WTF am I doing?

The playing field, 16 years later. Same players, different age? Different players altogether? Or is it a whole new game? Do I even know how to play anymore? The guy who asked for my number? Yeah Him. I gave him my number. Why? Because I could. Not because I thought he was the one. Not because I thought he'd sweep me off my feet or rock my world for a night. Just because I could. Because he asked and it is the natural thing a normal single woman would do. No. A single woman would have given him her home phone number. I gave him my cell. He smiled as thoughthe had some privileged information. I smiled because he had no idea that anyone with a computer had access to it as well.

My ex and I had an agreement. He did what he did, I did what I did. The rule was that none of it was to intervene with our life at home. No phone calls, no guests. Our home was sacred. At home we were a family. My view has not changed, even with him gone. My home is still sacred, we here are still a family. I will not allow any one to intervene. So, cell phone it is.

I am not a phone talker. Even as Belle, I choose not to talk on the phone. Belle brings forth a multitude of reasoning for this but for the most part; I simply don't like to spend much time on the phone. The next day, it rings. Belle doesn't answer her phone and by the same reaction, I don't either. I watch it ring. The screen lit up, it vibrates on the arm of my chair. And for some reason I panic. So I let my voicemail take over. I hear the tune play telling me I have a message. I picked it up with my sweaty palm, dialed my code and put it to my ear.

Now many thoughts go through my head as I listen to "You have 1 unheard message. Press 1 to hear your message". In that 2.5 seconds I wonder what he has said? I wonder if he has invited me out for coffee or if he jumped right to dinner. I wonder if he has invited me to his home, out for drinks or if he just called to say hi. Really I am just wondering what the f*** I am doing.

His voice is strong and confident. I like that in a man. Not just in my man, but any man. "Hi *****, it's *****. Just calling to say hi, sorry I missed you. I'll be home for most of the afternoon if you would like to give me a call back and if not, I will see you at work. Have a good day." Harmless. No pressure. No expectations. It seems safe to call him back. Do I call him back? Is it rude not to? Do I wait an hour or call right away? Is it presumptuous to call back right away? This is so stupid. I have no intention of dating him. Hell, I don't even have any intention of sleeping with him. If I am putting myself to the test and using him as my guinea pig then I must call him back or I have failed my own test. I can do this.

So, lying in his incredibly soft bed that night, :rolleyes: I stare at the ceiling. He is talking about some mind blowing experience he just had and I again find myself asking myself, “WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING?” This isn’t someone who will be leaving an envelope on the nightstand never expecting me to call again. This isn’t someone who knows the rules. This is someone from out there. A place where people date, get to know one another, share each other’s thoughts and dreams. This is someone who, very clearly, is open to having sex on the first “get together” (I refuse to use the term “date”) but yet is very likely to ask for something more from me than I am willing to give. Not to mention I will have to see this person most every day for the rest of my working life. I ask myself again, “WTF am I doing?”

I could segregate this entry, making several posts out of the 9 hours we spent together and perhaps I will in time as I grapple with the consequences of my actions. Yes, in this single world, there are consequences. It doesn’t work like Belle’s world out there. I realized that when I had the condom between my lips ready to apply it without using my hands and I look up to see this peculiar look on his face. Knowing I should have spent a little more time fooling around with the wrapper acting as though I had just a little less experience considering that I, to him, am a newly separated woman who had been married for 16 years and has four children. Odds are I haven’t used a condom in quite some time. Note to self……tone it down a notch….or 10.

So really......WTF am I doing?