Thursday, December 28, 2006

Here for a good time.......

I am having a moment of weakness. Yes, even I am capable of such. I cannot remember the last time I had a moment like this. Perhaps it stems from this new contract I have made with myself . I know this all seems so recent, my blogs about transition and change but it has been a slow process that I am just now able to share with you. It has been months of contemplating my life . Trying to put it all into perspective, trying to connect my thoughts and my emotions. I have not allowed myself to feel for so long and now that I have given myself the okay to do so, things in my life seem so confusing. It’s not simple, the way my life has been. It’s quite complicated and I am scared to death, to be quite honest.

I am scared because I don’t know what to expect. When you block others out you don’t care. You know life will be predictable. You wake up alone, you go to bed alone. You know next week you will wake up alone, go to bed alone. Next month, you will wake up alone, go to bed alone. The phone doesn’t ring aside from clients, the email box is empty aside from clients and the only thoughts you have are what to pick up for dinner aside from what time your next appointment with a client is. You know what to expect and you don’t care. It’s safe and it’s guaranteed.

The thing is, I have made my life strictly family and business. I have considered anything personal as a sign of weakness. But in reality I have come to see that in fact my fear of getting personal is my true sign of weakness. I do not have the strength in me to take risks, the confidence to rebound if I get hurt or the trust in others to let go. One year ago, even six months ago I couldn’t have cared about those things. Being at my crossroads in life I know I have to accept that my life is changing and I must learn to change with it.

I have learned some things about myself these past few months that I never wanted to know. I know I do not want to be alone the rest of my life. I know I need someone to witness my life….my accomplishments, my failures, my laughter and my tears… yes, I do hope to cry someday. But I also know I want the dream. I want a man that can be honest with me . I want a man who will share his life with me, open up to me and make me feel safe enough to do the same in return. I want a man that shares the same goals in life, the same dreams and wants to travel in the same adventures as I. Is that life in the stars for me, I’m not so sure but I do know that when I m ready, I won’t settle for anything less again.

And then I contemplate this business and its’ effect on my 10 year plan. I know I will have to explain my journey as an escort at some point to a significant other. Will it ever be understood? Will it ever be accepted? It is a big part of my journey to become who I am today and I will never be ashamed of it, just the opposite. But will he be able to understand just how much it has meant to me and be happy for me to have had such wonderful experiences? Do I just start out the first date by telling him what I did before I met him? I can’t hide it, I don’t want to hide it but will I ever find a man willing to accept it?

I never really thought about things like that when I considered escorting. But the reality is that I am proud of Belle. I like feeling the way I do about life as escorting has given me a new outlook so to speak. But it is not who I am, it is what I do. I know in these circles I will always be Belle. There is no escaping that. There is no way to carry on within this group as anything else but. I also know when I am ready to make that break, when Belle has become all that she can be that I must break those circles too. Something that will be very hard to do. Something I am not so sure my heart will be willing to let me do.

I suppose the point I am trying to make in all of this rambling is, will I ever be able to be me again? Belle was supposed to be a compliment to me but I am realizing that she has become me. In some ways this is a blessing, in other ways a curse. There will come a time I need to let her go, is that going to be possible? Will I ever be able to live a “normal” life again? You know, the life where a man asks to kiss me as opposed to assuming I will have sex with him within the first hour of meeting. Normal being where I never accept money for my time yet am able to give it out of my own free will. Normal to the point that a man will not rate the experience with me and share it with hundreds of others but keep it private as it was an intimate time we shared. Normal where my stomach is full of butterflies because I am falling in love with him not because I worry if he is going to hurt me in some way.

I truly wonder if any woman has been able to walk away and never look back. To not have this business creep up on her everywhere she turns. Yes, it is a fun time, a time for learning about one’s self and letting go of your inhibitions but it is not a lifetime. A good time, but not a lifetime. Or is it?

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

My sex resolutions for 2007

New Year’s resolutions are overrated if you ask me! I have decided to put a spin on the term and lighten it up just a little bit. Yes, I will make those usual goals of taking better care of myself and blah, blah, blah but I am going to add to that……..10 places I want to have sex in the new year.

1) I love nature. I want to have sex under the stars. I love the night air, the quietness of world around me. It is peaceful, tranquil and a perfect setting for sex!
2) Ok, so I really love nature! I have to add this one to the above. I want to have sex in a field somewhere. The sun shining, a slight breeze passing over our naked bodies. Not wide open for all to see though. An area secluded enough that we can take our time, relax and enjoy the moment.
3) During a thunderstorm. I am terrified of thunderstorms. I want to lay in the rain and hear the thunder rumble. What a way to get over that fear!
4) It is said that a sauna deprives your brain of oxygen which in turn heightens your senses. This would be a perfect place. The thought of 2 naked slippery bodies in that kind of heat really turns me on. A definite must!
5) The waves are rolling, the boat is swaying. Ever done it on a boat? Want to? I sure do! Especially on the deck, at night during a thunderstorm. Well, maybe not the thunderstorm!
6) Ok, risking my reputation on this one. I have always wanted to visit a swinger’s club. The intrigue of the unknown perhaps but another must-do on my list.
7) Next to a campfire, snuggled in sleeping bags. I love camping and there would be nothing better after a day of hiking and fishing then to relax by the fire and get it on!
8) Not sure if this counts but I’ll add it anyways. Unexpected sex. Can’t say where or when it would be but a situation where I would least expect it and the opportunity arises!
9) Sex on the beach. I hear it’s not all it’s cracked up to be but just the thought of it turns me on.
10) On a living room floor in front of the fire. Yes, that slow intimate sex usually reserved for couples in love. Hey, I can still be a romantic you know!

That’s it….for now. Not an intellectual post by any means but I got real wet thinking it up! Cheers to 2007!

SP of the Year

“SP of the Year”. My newest title, humbling yet not an asset I am about to add to my resume under “Greatest Accopmlishments”! I read the post on the reiview board about a month or so ago that hobbyists were asked to vote for their top 5 service providers in the Niagara Region. I had mixed feelings about this as I worried some feelings would be hurt. And just how do you rate a service provider? What do you base your vote on? Best BJ? Best kisser? Best……you see where I am going with this. I am very humbled by being chosen but for unselfish reasons. I think there is something to be said here, something I have been trying to get out there since Belle was introduced to the industry.

It’s not about the size of her chest. It’s not about her age. It’s not about her young toned body. It’s about the experience that she provides for you. It’s not about taking a few hundred poses spread eagle but leaving something to the imagination. It’s not about being known to do anything she is asked to do but having the class to have limits. It’s not about you enjoying yourself, but her wanting to share the experience with you. It is about being honest, being true to yourself and trying to get back from the clients as much as she gives. It’s about enjoying what she does and keeping the hobby fun.

I know some may see this as just a cute fun little game. Yes, let’s vote for the best **** in town. Let’s humor her ego, make these women feel good and maybe we’ll score a few brownie points with them. And yes, it is cute and fun but it truly means a lot more than that to me. I don’t believe it has anything to do with one service being better than another so much as it is to say that “I get it”. I get what you are looking for, as I am looking for those same things. I understand what our time together represents in your life because it is the same representation in mine. I need this journey in my life right now and I know that many of you need it too.

I need to feel wanted by a man, you need to feel wanted by a woman. I need to be kissed like I am hungered for, you need to feel that hunger as well. I need to be touched, caressed and fondled by a man that can appreciate the passion those moments create, you need to touch and caress and fondle to be a part of that passion. We are in search of the same things in this business and it is only because of that, that I was voted for.

It is not a knock against the other ladies in this business, but a compliment to them. I envy them for not being chosen. They have lives outside of this business that likely give them what I am searching for. They have someone to share that passion with, someone to want them and to need them. They have someone to hold them, kiss them and give to them what I turn to you to get out of life. That is something these ladies should be proud of and thankful for. I can only hope that this time next year it is not me being named as ‘Sp of the year”, that perhaps I may find that one person that can give me everything I am searching for.

The irony in the timing is so very bizarre to me. This Christmas was hard for me. Yes, changes. The part of those changes is my family discovering what I have chosen to do. Escorting is something I worked hard to protect them from. Not to protect me from, but them. I know they could never understand why I do what I do. Sure, they could reason with the money I suppose but they would see escorting as a sacrifice and I know there would be no way to justify the greatness of it all in their eyes. They are hurt, disappointed and have shunned me because of it. It was the start in a riff between them and I. It has snowballed since then with other circumstances but it is what it is and my decisions within this business have cost me a lot as far as family goes. I could have quit. I could have walked away and begged my family for forgiveness but why? I have done nothing wrong and I would begrudging myself if I were to end Belle and all that she stands for.

I am at a time in my life I have to think of me, my wants and needs in life. I can’t sacrifice those things for the sake of someone else, even if it means my family turns their back on me. I have spent my life living for others, doing what is expected of me. This is the first time in my life I have done something for me. And it feels good. I can’t change how they feel about what I do but can only hope they learn to understand it or accept it at the very least.

So being chosen as Sp of the Year means a lot to me tonight. You all get it. You recognize just how much I have put into this business to get out of it what I do. You respect my limits and boundaries, and more importantly you respect my decision to do what I do. You have shown me that I am doing ok, that I am giving you what you need and you are happy to give me what I need. My life demanded that reinforcement. Thank you for the acknowledgement that I am doing things right and that you support my journey wherever it may lead.

Friday, December 22, 2006

My 10 year plan

I am a planner. I plan everything I do. Seldom do things go as planned but I keep planning anyways. I was asked recently where I saw myself in 10 years. It was a simple question but one I didn’t have an answer to. It all comes back to change. Changes in my life that have a huge effect on my 10 year plan. And again I find Belle opening up a lot of doors for me.

My life was set. I decided a very long time ago to put my needs aside for the sake of those that depend on me. I accepted the fact that my life was not my own and that my needs were to be placed on the back burner until a time that my life once again becomes all about me. It was an easy decision really and so that has been me for the past 14 years. I work, I tend to the home and I take care of others. It was cut and dry, a plan that was simple. That is when I stopped searching for answers. I stopped wondering what I wanted out of life. I stopped wishing things were different and accepted them as they were. It made life easy though. I became a coward. I bailed out on life, 14 years of just going through the motions.

I am a strong believer in the adage that everything happens for a reason. I have learned through life’s upsets that you must find the positive in everything thrown your way. And this is where I find myself today. I was not ready for my life to turn around. It was not part of my 10 year plan. But it is what it is. I have no control over it, it is a change I was not prepared for but now I must find the positive. Sure, I could sit here and feel sorry for myself, wishing things were different and not to say that that thought didn’t cross my mind, it’s just not my style. I don’t want to be a coward anymore. I am not going to bail out on life, my life.

So, my 10 year plan. Is it really necessary to have a 10 year plan? For me, yes. I need goals to be set. I am at a time in my life where I feel the need to be working towards something. I am a realist, so my goals would never be unattainable but I do like a challenge. I am ready for that in my life. I need to go after things I never thought I deserved. Go after things I never thought I would want or need, go after things that I envy in others. In doing this I know I will need to take risks along the way. And that will be my first challenge.

In 10 years I want to be strong. I want to be confident in my life, safe and secure. I want to be doing things for me. But how do I get there? How do I stop being a coward and go after what I want in life? I have realized over the past little while that I cannot do it on my own. I look at my life and what I have accomplished in my 32 short years and I pat myself on the back. I am proud for what I have overcome and I can say I did it all on my own. That is a great feeling, to be able to say I did it and I did it all on my own. But I do not have anyone to share that with because I never let anyone help me along the way. What good is a pat on the back when there is noone there to recognize it? Noone to say “I am proud of you”, noone to say “You fought like hell and you made it out on top”. I don’t need anyone to do that for me, but it would be nice to have had someone there to take notice.

So my 10 year plan will involve people. I don’t want to go through life feeling like I do not need anyone anymore. I am not sure just how much I will allow myself to lean on these people but I do hope that by letting them in I will learn to trust. I love to write. In the next 10 years I plan to pursue that dream. I am not expecting to be on the best seller’s list by then, but I do want to go after that dream. Writing this blog has been so much fun. It has been something in my life this past year that has been personally rewarding. I have learned a lot of myself and I want to expand on that. I don’t know where it will take me but I do know I have to find out.

I want to travel. Not necessarily to grand places like Paris necessarily but to go tobogganing in Maine, visit Alcatraz in San Francisco, be a part of a powwow in Montana, see a Habs game in Montreal, climb the tree tops in Costa Rica, ski in the Alps, visit my home town in Sooke, B.C., spend a summer in a motor home touring warm hot places stopping in campgrounds for campfires and hikes through state parks. There is so much out there I want to do and see. Simple, but wondrous things.

It will be a plan that will come together because of Belle. She has opened my eyes to a whole new world. New experiences and a new found zest for life. I feel alive again because of her and while I know her time in this business will be short lived, there will always be that bit of her inside of me, pushing me at times I want to bail and be the driving force behind going after what I want in life.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

"Belle De Jour" rant....

Belle de Jour. Have any of you ever read her books or viewed her blog? The story is this. She claims to be a “High end London Courtesan”. She writes anonymously under the name “Belle De Jour”. There has been quite a controversy over just who she really is. There have been several claims that her true identity has been outted. Some feel she is a 33 year old journalist who resides in the UK, others have the inkling she is actually a “he”, a 42 year old “he” that has been known to write under female names in the past. Both have been known to write in similar style and about similar topics. My view? She is not who or what she claims to be.

I do not make this judgement on a literary basis as I am not a professional author by any means but from one escort reading of another, I have problems with her claim. I suppose “high end” can be described about as many ways as “GFE” could be, its’ definition not written in stone. But to me, to call yourself “A high end courtesan” there should be a high level of self respect, something her writing shows little of.

The way I see it, there are a few classes you will see within the escorting industry. The "entry level” girls are the ones without a voice. They share the same characteristics as the “cash and grab” girls. Anything goes. Do to them what you wish, they will be sure to let you get away with almost anything. Dirty, kinky, sub, dom, roleplay, whatever you desire. Is there something wrong with that? Not necessarily. But there is when she does not enjoy it. When an escort has no limits, no barriers that are not to be crossed, when she sacrifices her morals for the sake of a buck, then there is a problem with that and I would not consider her to be a “high end call girl”.

Could I make a lot more money if I allowed men to perform facials, or to have them demean me by calling me their “bitch, slut or whore”? Absolutely! I turn down calls like this quite often. Because I have limits, lines that are not to be crossed. I do not believe to be good as an escort you have to give to a man’s every whim. But that is just my opinion and I know many will disagree, mostly the men I have turned down!

BDJ (Belle De Jour) continues to write about allowing men to gag her with their penises, talk to her like a whore and treat her in a way I would never think to allow. She then writes about how pathetic these people are, how she can justify these acts with the monetary gain at the end. I just don’t see a high end call girl openly admitting to such lack of self respect. If she enjoyed the acts I would feel differently, but she despises them. Yet she shows up for the next call to do it all again.

She looks at her clients as money and that disturbs me. No, it does not mean escorts don’t think that way as I know the vast majority do. But a high end courtesan, I would think, have a better understanding of the men that participate in the hobby. To ridicule them, just what do you say about yourself? It is frustrating to be a part of this business and constantly feel the need to further define this business. Yes, it can be cold and mechanical but it can also be warm and passionate. When a self described high class courtesan writes a book demeaning the men and demoralizing her profession it angers me as it feeds to the ignorance of society.

But that is what sells. Who wants to read about how escorts help marriages. How we satisfy men in a way (for whatever reason) their wives cannot. Who wants to read that that an escort can actually become a better person because of this business, that she can find herself, gain confidence in herself and learn more of herself than any office job could ever teach her. Who wants to read of the lonely gentlemen that just want someone to talk to, to hold naked in bed. No, that stuff doesn’t sell. People want to read about the kink, the risqué, the fantasies. They want to believe this business is dirty, immoral and sinful. And because of that society will likely never open up to the possibility that this industry may not be so bad after all.

I am not naive, I know what else goes on within this business. I also know that I will never change how society sees girls like me. But it doesn’t stop me from wishing it could be different and it certainly doesn’t stop me from cursing women like “Belle De Jour” who just don’t get it.

Business and Pleasure?

My life. To sum it all up, in case you have not gathered from previous entries, my life has been quite solitary. Do not feel bad for me as I have willingly made my life that way, it has been by choice. But I am beginning to realize just what I have been missing in my life for so many years. I have had many acquaintances and short term friendships but it is just recently, and through this business that I have come to realize just how great friendships are.

I have attended many industry functions in the past year. Review board parties, Christmas parties, Halloween parties, house parties, football events and wine tours. I have always looked at these events as a means of advertising my business. No, I am not selling myself but I am promoting who I am. I try to be on my best behavior (Ok, so I have been a little lax at that lately) but I do try to show that yes, I am just an average everyday, girl- next-door kind of woman who truly enjoys entertaining men. But something has happened along the way, something I never expected to happen in this business. I have made some great friends.

I wasn’t looking to make friends, I wasn’t hoping to become someone’s friend. I wasn’t even feeling deprived with the fact that I have not allowed myself to feel the need for friends. But yet I find myself feeling safe with the fact that I can call some of these people just that, friends. It is amazing really. The fact that we all know so little about one another. We chat online, we send messages back and forth. We ask about the kids even though we do not know their names. We ask about work yet we do not know just where that work is. We ask about vacations, but never discuss who is accompanying their travels. We accept one another for what they are willing to give to us and never ask for anything more that what one is willing to put forth.

But ultimately isn’t that what friendships should be, to accept someone at face value? To enjoy their company, have some laughs and never require more than what they are willing to give? Many outside of our group looking in seem to feel that friendships within this industry are impossible. I do not understand this. Why is it that society thinks what we do as escorts and hobbyists is wrong because it is just sex. Sex should be reserved for people who know one another, for friends. Then you have people who participate in this hobby that feel it should be kept as a strictly sexual relationship, not a friendship.

Perhaps for some it is hard to understand. To have a business relationship that is based on sex yet have a friendship outside of that arrangement seems inconceivable. But it is possible. And I am very thankful for those friendships that have formed. With escorting being such a big part of my life it is great to share that with these friends. Friends who will not judge me for what I do, accept my need for privacy when I cannot give anything more than I do and take joy in my journey with me. I don’t need to know their names or where they live and work. I just need them to take me as I am, and they do.
That is friendship.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Embarassing Moments

The things Escorts won’t tell you!

Being at the top of your game isn’t always easy. Neither is being classy 100% of the time. If she is any good at what she does, you won’t even notice the things I am going to talk about here…..I am not so graceful…….

1) We’re in the midst of passion. Both of us panting, I am laying on my back with one arm above my head. He works his way down between my thighs, his tongue so welcoming. He knows just how I like it, that perfect spot just below my clit. I am getting caught up in the moment, my head moving from side to side trying to control my lower body. I raise my head in hopes of watching him taste
me when I notice my hair has been tangled in my watch. Yes, he is there giving me that amazing tongue lashing and now I am distracted by the knot in my head. I pull my head away from my arm, boy did that hurt. I let out a whimper, that turns him on more. I sway my hips from side to side, up and down to keep him focused on what he is doing….to keep him distracted. I manage to raise my other arm and try to work out the knot. I am only making it worse. I undo my watch, leave it attached to my hair and focus enough to have him get me off. I please him in return (never leave a man unsatisfied!), and head to the bathroom to remove my watch from my hair

2) Condom issues really suck! I’m the professional, I should know how to do this right? Ever try to put a condom on backwards? Ever try to do it backwards with your mouth? Don’t….cause you’ll just look like an ass! I try to put the condom on without using my hands most of the time. Men find this erotic, but I do it this way to draw less attention to the “not-so-natural” feel of the business we are participating in. He’s of “slightly above average” size, anything above average can be difficult to apply this way. It’s a matter of placing the tip in my mouth and putting a lot of pressure with my lips around his head and work it slowly to the base. Usually it can look pretty hot, except when backwards. Yes, I sit with the tip in my mouth and purse my lips. It is giving me a hard time getting started, sometimes the ridge of the rim causes this so I don’t panic. Harder, tighter I barely get the rubber over his head. I work furiously to get it to slide down his shaft. I bring my hands in to help out as I work my head from side to side but finally have to admit defeat. I know I have to remove it and apply a new one. Slowly (and trying to be very erotic as I do this) I begin working it off the ridge of his penis. I straighten up in a better position to grab a new one when I am ready and there it is again…..that damn hair. I somehow managed to entangle a fair amount of hair around his penis and into the condomn! You do not know embarrassment until you have been in a moment like this! I managed to get the condom off of him and separate my hair from him but I had to actually get his help to untangle the condom from my hair! Good thing it was chocolate, it made for a few uneasy jokes while he fixed me up.Ugh, why do I bother? *wink*wink

3) Gifts. I just don’t know how to accept these, literally! He sees me quite regularly, we have a great time together and every once in awhile he will bring me small gifts. Very sweet of him but it embarrasses me every time! We were already undressed, I am on the bed, the sheets are drawn and he announces he has a gift for me. I close my eyes and he places something cold and plastic in my hand. (Get your mind out of the gutter, this is a family blog!) Not realizing how heavy it was as he was still holding on to it partially I was just opening my eyes and trying to sit up. He lets go and before I know it I am covered in dirt! Yes, he brought me a beautiful plant and I was now wearing it and its’ soil over my body! Sounds hot you think? Not! Mud maybe, but soil with white fertilizer rocks…..definitely not! He’s hard, I’m wet and the bed and I are in need of cleaning up! I apologize profusely and head into the shower as he takes care of the bed. Just when I think this cannot get any worse I hop out of the shower, grab a towel and head to the bedroom to see a houseman standing in the room with clean sheets! Me naked, the sheets needing changing (please note the sheets are discolored to possibly lead one to believe that there was a recent trip to the islands) and this is all I could think of. Not much happened that night but a lot of nervous chuckles! Yes, believe it or not he continues to see me!

4) It’s 10 minutes prior to a scheduled appointment. I am running late…I HATE being late. A phone call from a mom that will only call at times like this. Plus I couldn’t figure out what to wear and blah, blah, blah. So yes, I am running late. I make one last stop in my bedroom to grab my heels, grab my coat off the coat stand and dart out the door. My driver scurries me off and I light a smoke. What a crazy day was all I could think. I’m headed to the Niagara Hilton, one hotel I dread as I have to walk right past front desk. Where is Nick? I like seeing Nick, he’s great and never gives us ladies a hard time. Why can’t all hotels have a Nick? I put out my smoke, pop in a cinnamon strip to cover my smoke breath and try to pull myself together to walk into the lobby. I try to look classy, not sleezy and tonight am impressed with my choice of attire, for being pulled together last minute. As I am walking through the lobby I am thinking “I look all right!” Until something just doesn’t feel right. A few more steps and I look down. I realize with horror that I have 2 different heels on! Yes, one left…one right… black and one brown! One ¼ inch heel, One ½ inch heel! I am lopsided walking through the Hilton and past front desk! OMG, I cannot tell you how much I dread this call! I am in the elevator, so are about 7 other people. I still have to make it down the hall and into the room, and then I just may never leave because I have to somehow get back to my driver! I walk in and kiss him right away. Keeping his eyes distracted I keep the kiss going long enough to kick off my shoes and throw my sweater over top of them! Getting out of there? I called the driver to have him meet me at the back door. I took the stairs down, about 12 flights to meet him out back! Boy do I feel like an ass! Can’t dress me up let alone take me out!

5) I think every escort will have a story like this one. You have a “board name”, you have a room number. You knock on the door, he seems happy so you walk in. You wrap your arms around him, give him a kiss and ask him how his night is. “Very good” he replies and then carries on to say he was expecting pizza. No, he did not order a lady to his door, he ordered pizza! Note to self….double check the room number before you knock! He was really great about it though. He had figured his buddies had set him up, he just divorced his wife. I closed the door, we made out for a few minutes, I wished him the best of luck with women in the future and then backed out the door. He just stared at me with a sheepish grin, the door slightly open and watched me knock on the door beside his. I walked in and he was still standing there. I made sure to be extra loud for that hour as I doubt he was eating pizza! Embarrassing at first yes, but this one turned out to be quite fun! I’ve heard of worse, the wife sitting in the other room etc so this one wasn’t so bad at all! I should have left my number behind, he was a great kisser!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Christmas Spirit

I got to thinking tonight. I know, I should really stop that. But tonight there is no Peter Gabrielle and no Icewine so I should get through this one unscathed. Christmas is upon us, creeping up sooner than many care to acknowledge. The holiday season seems to bring mixed emotions to people, depending on where you are at in your life. I have had the chance to talk with a lot of clients recently about their views and what the season holds for them. I almost feel guilty that I am so blessed, but I didn’t start out this holiday season with such high esteem.

It goes back to changes. A lot of changes that have left me in a different place this year. Old traditions must come to an end and it is up to me to create new ones. Change is good, it keeps things refreshing but some things I fight hard to keep the same. Christmas traditions have been one of those things. It has always been about family, catching up, great laughs and bonding. When those bonds have been severed it changes the foundation of such traditions.

I love Christmas, it has grown almost larger than life in my soul. I love the shopping, the music, the lights and the trees. I love the greetings, the smiles, the snow, the giddy feeling I get when I fantasize about Christmas Day. But I am not a fan of unexpected change. When it’s on my terms I am okay with it, but not when it involves something beyond my control. This year I have been reserved, trying to fight that urge to hide under the sheets until it’s over. It’s not like me and I anger at myself for allowing me to let something I have no control over, control me.

It’s self pity, something I don’t give in to often. It’s wasted energy, a useless emotion. It serves no purpose but to self destruct and I have allowed it to become a part of me. I am angry that I have lost so much this year, even more angry that I have depended so much on what I have lost. If I didn’t depend, I wouldn’t pity. It’s that simple. So here it is, Christmas around the corner and I am angry. I am angry and hurt and angry for being angry. Until tonight.

I shared with many people, some not even knowing who I am, pictures of my Christmas tree. It has quite noticeably been decorated by my children and it is the most beautiful tree I have ever seen. And I realized that I was the envy of so many. They were envious that I have kids to share Christmas with. They were envious that my lights were set up, garland hanging from my fireplace mantel. They were envious that that tree would shine bright every night for the next month or so and that I would have my children to share it with every night. They were envious that Christmas morning I will wake to eager children with grins from ear to ear anticipating what Santa had left for them. They were envious of me.

Here I am wallowing in self pity and people are envious of me. I felt guilty, so guilty for not seeing just how lucky I truly am. I have been blessed with a wonderful life. Even with lifelong traditions being broken, I am blessed to be able to make new ones and have my children to share that with. I will not wake Christmas morning alone like so many will. I will enjoy a beautiful home cooked Christmas turkey unlike so many. My children will have many gifts to open, something that is a gift in itself as many children will not have that luxury. I truly am blessed.

So I want to dedicate this blog entry to those of you that will be wanting and needing, this Christmas. Thank you for reminding me just how lucky I really am. Thank you for waking me up and bringing back my Christmas Spirit. I have no reason to pray for me this holiday season but I promise I will pray for all of you. I will pray for love, for happiness and for all of you to be able to have the chance I have this Christmas….to make new traditions.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

I am not a bad girl.....really!

Is it wrong to want things that others may consider improper or dirty? To fantasize about things good girls should never think of? Men dream of two women, something that is quite often realized in this business. What about a woman wanting to be with two men? Most shun at the thought that a woman would find herself excited by that. What about 3 men? Now that’s just sleezy, right? Why is society so quick to accept a man’s sexual desires yet a woman is not entitled have them?

We are in a new generation of equality. Equality in the workforce was a huge breakthrough for the woman’s movement. Women can vote, even hold office. Women can be judges, police officers and firefighters. But women are still stigmatized when it comes to sexual preferences. Yes, lesbians are “out” now which also allows for a greater acceptance for 2 women to be with a man. But we have yet to cross the line with accepting that a woman may fantasize about the pleasure to be experienced when being pleased by multiple men.

Am I dirty because I want to kiss a man and at the same time have another feel just how wet that kiss makes me? I don’t think that should make me a disgraceful part of society but a highly sexual woman who craves new sexual experiences. I am very aware of my body, I know what I like. I think that threatens a lot of women. I will ask for what I enjoy just as I would hope the same from my partner or partners. Sex for me is so much an intellectual journey. It’s in the mind, created through imagination and its’ erotica is so much more heightened when you tap into it. Yes, it is expressed in a physical manner but for me it’s all in letting my mind take me to another place.

I would like to be in a situation where men are wanting me to please them, wanting for me to touch them, to arouse them. Multiple women, multiple men in an environment that is safe to let go of inhibitions. The type of scene where nakedness surrounds me. Not wild and crazy sex but purely passionate exploring, taunting and pleasing. It goes back to my belief that sex is to be shared, admired and respected. Yes, it is wonderful for a man and a woman to make love. It sounds so romantic to say “we just made love”. But making love sounds so personal and intimate. When you say “we just had sex” it sounds so cold and empty. To say “we just had a gang bang” sounds dirty and crude. I want touch, I want lips pressed against mine. I want to totally lose myself in the experience. I want to make them want me, that urge so strong. Their desire my pleasure. Is that so wrong?

I want to pour wine down a man’s chest and taste his sweat mixed within it. I want to grasp on to him and feel his lust for me. I want a woman there to watch us, another man to fondle my nipples. I want to kiss her as I feel them pressed against me. I want to watch him taste her as I bring her nipples to erection. I want him to help me taste myself. To slide his fingers through my thighs and bring them to my lips. We taste together. It’s not crude, it’s not dirty. It’s simply sexual exploration. It’s my ultimate journey, my ultimate destination. I own it, it is mine.

I am young and I am single but I am mature and true to myself. I am at a time in my life that I need to discover me. I need to never look back and wish I had learned to live. I am living now, exploring the world and the people within it. It’s about new experiences, branching out and becoming aware of the beauty and passion we all have hidden somewhere. I want to share it, flaunt it and be close to it. Again, it’s not dirty and it’s not wrong. It’s my fantasy. Someday,……..someday I hope to be a part of it, to feel what it would be like. The music playing, friends sharing drinks and slowly undressing one another. A room full of sexual energy. I know I will, I am sure of that. After all, I have played out each of my fantasies so far!