Chemistry 101

I was never much for chemistry in school, hell; I was never one for school. I was too busy learning about life through living it. I learned the importance of chemistry. I may not have learned what happens when you put a flame to ammonium dichromate but I have learned what happens when you mix the chemistry of a man with the chemistry of a woman. But is that what it’s all about? Chemistry?

I am a sensual lover and find myself most aroused by someone of the like. And sensual is just that, being aroused by my senses. It is not just the feel of his fingers against my skin but the way his breathing changes when he reaches my thighs. It’s not just the heavy pant of his warm breath on my neck, but the taste of a bead of his sweat…he is physically reacting to his intense desire for me. That is arousing. He enters me and while it feels so splendid, it’s when I pull myself up to his chest and inhale his scent that I become most captivated. So, am I attracted to him because of his biological make-up and we’re just meant to be because chemistry says we mix well together or is it a conscious decision to be with him because of how he looks, the way he makes me laugh or the way he treats me?

I took my questions to the internet, trying to figure out just why we are attracted to certain people. Why does sex feel so different depending on the partner? Why do some things excite me with one and turn me off with another? What makes me decide the sex mood I am in, my mood prior to the prospect or is it his chemistry mixed with mine that promotes the urgency for sex?

I remember a time, lying in bed and feeling so aroused having my hand under my cheek on the pillow. We had been holding hands for hours, sitting in his father’s car listening to music the entire evening. We kissed and we caressed but it didn’t go any further than that. And as I lay in bed I could smell him in the palm of my hand. I felt aroused, calm, and safe. It gave me butterflies. I would not move my hand from my cheek; I wanted to drift off with my last conscious breath being of him. As I look back, I think we had some actual chemistry. His scent excited me yet calmed me. I instantly reacted to it without having prior thought of him. It was not until I lay my hand under my cheek that I instantly felt that rush.

But if that is the case and it’s really all about chemistry, then where does our personal preference come into play? I came upon one site that posed this example: You ask a woman everything she wants in a man and she will respond. “Honest, loyal, tall, dark haired, funny, blue eyes and loves movies”, then you put him in front of her and she says “He’s nice and all but we just didn’t click.. But yet he is everything she is looking for. Maybe it really is all about chemistry. Maybe I really don’t have as much control as I thought I did.

Another site I came across spelled out the chemistry part for me. Apparently I over produce PEA (phenyl ethylamine), Dopamine and nor epinephrine, a moderate amount of oxytocin and my body doesn’t even know how to produce endorphins let alone vasopressin. PEA is adrenaline; it keeps your heart racing and gives you that “infatuation” response. That, I know I am addicted to, that immediate rush when a man touches me, the excitement when you first have sex with someone. Oxytocin initiates the “cuddling”, it’s the sexual arousal brought on by a lover’s voice or even a sexual fantasy. It’s a calming hormone promoting the cuddling before, during and after sex. Endorphins prompt the “attachment” need, they calm and reassure with attachment. Yuck.

The last one I have to mention is actually a warning to all men and should be heeded. If your spouse ever tries to tell you that you are due for your yearly shot of vasopressin, run! This is a monogamy hormone. Take a shot of vasopressin and have sex, within 24 hours that mate will be the only one you will ever want again. Well, apparently it works that way for moles but it is a naturally producing hormone in humans. I wonder if this would be a good defense in family court.

So, what do you think? I used to think how I chose my partners was based solely on choice, a rational (ok not always) informed (ok, not always) conscious (yes, always….I think) decision. Now I’m not so sure. Maybe I should just have sex whenever I feel like it instead of trying to think it through. After all, I apparently have no control. Science is fact, I should trust science, it has been tried, tested and is fact. My ‘thinking things through’ on the other hand……..