Thursday, November 15, 2007

Sexual deprivation....beware!

I've finally figured it out! It's not depression I am going through, nor a bout of simply feeling sorry for myself. No, what I am experiencing is sex withdrawl. Yes, apparently it is running rampid in the Niagara Region as people just aren't getting enough of it. It's most commonly seen in clients when thier favorite SP takes a hiatus, my case being quite rare in that I am the SP suffering sexual withdrawl symptoms. I've heard about this disease and it's quite traumatic.

Several clients of mine have come to me displaying the same characteristics in the past. Sleeplessness, mental cloudiness, irritability, restlessness all being primary but severe cases are accompanied with headaches (from constantly dwelling on the sex you're not having), unusual dreams of motels in obscure locations, obsessive/compulsive sexual thoughts involving most everyone around you and from time to time a case will present itself as Tourettes where sexual innuendoes are voiced inappropriately or even begins to act on those sexual compulsions like grabbing a stranger and thrusting oneself upon them. (As a side note....if this ever happens to you and the woman throwing herself at you is a 5'7" red head just oblige her....she's ill and has no control over her actions).

So, what is one to do who suffers from this condition? Is there a cure, even a home remedy to supress the symptoms? I used to dread turning 30. The thought of being "thirty-something" terified the hell out of me. When I was twenty-something, thirty was old! But I can honestly say I did not have this sexual appetiete then that I do now. I would listen often to gents who dabble in the hobby from time to time. Most are unable to frequent the company of an escort as often as they would like be it for reasons of money, family or time and quite often would say that the duration between visits are so hard because the hobby is addicting. I now understand what they meant. It's not much different from my perpective either. Giving up sex AND smoking was a little too much to ask of myself so one of them has to give. Smoking is bad for my health, sex on the other hand.......

back to school...and other random musings

Have any of you realized that there is just 1 week left before kids hit the books? Or have you all realized it and I am the only one that is pulling her head out of her ass wondering where the summer went? This week was crazy getting my kids ready. Books, pencils, erasers, calculators (yes a requirement now, remember the days of sneaking them into class? Gawd that made me sound old ) and for my 13 year old......her high school uniform. I tell ya, working for a living sucks.... as does the pay.

It didn't take long to remind myself of what it is like to bargain shop, cut coupons and plan ahead for costly occasions and school is no exception! Not that I have ever been one to spend money frivilously, but it was kinda nice to not spend the better part of my days balancing a chequebook. If something was needed, I bought it...that day. No crunching the numbers by giving up the Gilette triple blade razors and going with disposables so the kids could eat pizza once a week for the month. While I will never forget my days of welfare and food banks, I will also never forget my days of spur of the moment shopping...... just because I could. All in all I will always be thankful for things I never had and things I have no more. It's what keeps me driven, keeps me grounded and gives balance to my life. What am I saying......working for a living sucks, no matter how I look at it!

So, the oldest of mine has to adjust to the Catholic uniform thing now. Stop right there, this is my daughter okay? She's not impressed by the shirt being tucked in nor the polishable black shoes that are mandatory. 2 hours were spent in the school clothing shop. She whined, I smiled. Why is it us mother's take such pleasure in our teenager's pain? Oh yes, now I remember. Perhaps because any time we give them crap about something we hear the same old "I don't care" routine. I am pleased to see there is something that she cares about. Whine away oh hormonal one, whine away.

My house is still a disaster. Well, my kitchen anyways. It's been two months and I can't get hold of my electrician. There is not another step I can take without having the wiring completed. Although I took matters in my own hands because I was sick of trying to maneuver around the room. I have two doorways in the kitchen, one I needed to close off to make the kitchen more functional. Promises were made to get it done many months ago and it's still not done so I fixed the problem myself. No, I don't know how to build a wall but I bought a sheet of drywall and put it over the doorway to cover it up and put my fridge in front of it for now. Atleast I can access all of my cabinets now without a ladder and entering my kitchen no longer runs the risk of a slab of granite shanking your side. It's only been almost 6 moths I've been working on this damn room!

Work is good, it's my place for mental relief. I need to work 8 hours just to keep my sanity some days. I don't have to think about anything really and that is a blessing. The worst time for me is as I'm laying in bed. I think too much and end up waking more tired than when I layed down. So long as my plan to never sleep and work 22 hours of the day holds up I should be just fine. Any other suggestions? Between doctors, kids, school, smoking and the Homers of the world I really do feel at times that I am losing my mind. Surely I will have to sleep sometime.

I have a few entries coming up, notably the fact that Belle is now 2 and also an interesting commentary about another blog I recently stumbled across. It seems I am not the only blogger out there just trying to get through the journey unscathed. Her writing was quite interesting and hopefully I will get to posting about it in the next day or two. As for right now, I am off to bed. Not to sleep, no, that seldom happens. I will undress, slip under my duvet, group my kingsized down-filled pillow into my stomach and I will think. I will tell myself to stop it, that I need to sleep but without a doubt, and hour from the time I lay my head I will still be there fighting to get some shuteye. Once I do drift off I will have some outrageous dream (surely due to the random thoughts before drifting off) then wake up unsettled. And so it goes.

Meaningless sex

I have been venturing out with my writing, extending my possibilities to include some freelancing. While doing research for an article I came across a very interesting website dedicated to erotic writers. In the forum section the question was raised, “What are your thoughts on meaningless sex?”

Well, needless to say I had a few opinions on the topic. As I read through the replies, keeping in mind that this is an aspiring writer’s website I was appalled at the close-minded responses! The imagination of one’s mind is limitless, so why is it that time and time again when it comes to topics like this that are so intimate and personal, can writers not seem to delve a little deeper without becoming so defensive to answer in a tone that may step outside of what would be expected? Is that not what makes a great writer? To write so passionately that your readers are drawn into your world, where they feel a part of each letter you have typed? How are you able to do this if you cannot believe in what you write?

This, I suppose, is why I do not care for love stories. Quite frankly, they are boring and they certainly are not any more a part of reality than would be a story of two strangers meeting in a hotel room and having the most passionate sexual relationship. Okay, the latter may be a reality for some of us. But for some reason the typical love story that sells is all about beaches, blue skies, rose petals on the bed sheets and an “I love you” after sex. Anyways, back to the question of meaningless sex. Here are a few responses I read:

"Acting on the belief that sex is meaningless or that sex is just sex just might wreck your life, give you a life crisis you don't want, impact your life in ways you might not want, or just ruin you life."

"I understand the principle of meaningless sex but I'm not absolutely sure it can be applied universally without any pre-conditions."

"If I don't feel something for the person I'm not going to have sex with them. For the people that need attention get a dog and have some respect for yourself."

"Don't do it. It will leave you feeling even more lonely and empty."

"I cannot agree that for women there can be 'meaningless sex'. Even a hooker has some emotional involvement."

This one was the best:

"Sex with some one other than my husband? Trusting some one enough to get naked in front of them? Fumbling though foreplay wondering how hard is too hard for this particular cock? Wondering weather some of my little tricks are a bit too exotic and whether he's going to think I'm a slut because I know so much? Putting up with a lover that doesn't know what I want? NO THANKS!"

Of course, there were a few that did seem to “get it”. One even made a very valid point that if it was meaningless we wouldn’t bother to do it, therefore to some degree all sex has meaning. I suppose meaningless may be the wrong word to explain the type of sexual encounters in escorting but let me ask you…..“What does meaningless sex mean to you? Is it possible? Do you hold any emotional attachment to your casual sex partners, paid or not?”

Simple question: You or them?

I need some advice here. I know you have all found yourself in my shoes at least once in your lifetime so there is no excuse to not respond to this post! Here's the situation. Belle, while living a legal lifestyle has chosen a lifestyle that is frowned upon in society. I made a conscious decision 2 years ago to not hide escorting from those in my personal life. With that being said I will point out that I never made it a point to openly discuss with friends or family my decision to become an escort, but when questioned about my activities I never denied it nor did I try to explain it away by pleading that it was my only option at the time. In doing so, I have lost alot that has meant alot. Not only the respect of my family, but any relationship I had with them prior to their knowledge of Belle.

In return for what I lost, I gained self respect. I have talked alot about this so I wont go into any further deatil about how wonderful escorting has been to my life in a very personal way. With my marriage falling apart my fear was that my experiences as Belle would lead to a battle in the courts about my parenting skills, hence my abrupt retirement. My kids are my life and I need to protect them as I always have and always will. I have been assured by my lawyer that I could face no legal recourse for escorting and could not face losing my children based solely on that circumstance. I did not find his words to be any more comforting though. In November when my mother and sister were made aware of Belle, they called the authorities. It was never brought up to me, the topic was never discussed. FACS made their rounds and determined my kids were very well adjusted children. I provide a safe home, warm clothing and all other necessities as expected of any parent. I did not fear their evaluation as I have never doubted myself as a mother. I screw up, yes. But I always do my best for them.

So my question is this. What if your SO, your mother, your co-workers, your neighbors, your friends discovered what you dabble in from time to time. I think I know the answer, and there is no right or wrong answer but I am wondering if I took my "I am woman hear me roar" routine a little too far. Is it wrong that I stand by my decision to be an escort? Did I get too caught up in this new person I have found within myself and give up more that what I should have been willing to give up?

Where do we draw the line between standing up for what we believe in, even when it hurts those closest to us? Do we protect them, or ourselves? I am not saying that each of you that are married should be running to your spouses and confessing your activities. Sometimes the truth isn't the best policy. I am just saying, have you not had times in your life when you went against the grain because it was something you need to do for yourself even though it would be met with some conflict in your life? Just looking for some thoughts out there is all.

A woman's thread

Now being made aware of my morality I began to panic a few weeks ago when my left breast became tender to the touch. I left it until Monday when I finally boked an apointment with my family doctor. He didn't seem too concerned but set up a mammogram and ultrasound appointment just to check things out. I'm sure things are fine, likely a pulled muscle but I have to tell you about the visit for the mammogram.

I spent the 20 minutes in the waiting room kind of chuckling at the thought of a nurse trying to find enough breats tissue to compress in the boob vice. My name is called and I am shown the changing area where I was handed a gown. Dressed appropriately the technician leads me into the room and asks me to remove the gown. She likely expected me to be nervous so as she was preparing the films she talked me through the process. Little does she know I am more than comfortable being naked in the presence of another woman.

I told her she was about to face a challenge as I was giving her little to work with. "No worries" she responds, again probably trying to make me feel less self conscious. So. I am standing at the machiene. For those of you that have never had the pleasure of breast screening, you remain standing, the technician places your breast on a metal plate and uses her foot to control a pedal that lowers the upper plate onto the top of your breast, compressing the tissue to be xrayed.

I walk up to the plate and all I am able to rest on the plate is a perky nipple. It was kinda funny actually, I had to ask her if I should pull it a little or what she neded me to do. "Just relax and I will position you" she says. "Ok, if you insist" I thought. So there I stood while she fondled my breast. Ok, she was doing her job but it felt like fondling to me. In fact, I found this process so amusing I tried to drag it on as long as I could. She had me bending over slighly, lowering my shoulder as she stood at my side grabbing tissue from what felt like my collar bone area just to get some flesh on the plate. Pulling tightly she managed to get enough skin to press between the plates as she stepped on the pedal to begin the compression. Although I think she cheated. She was pulling so damn hard I am sure much of that flesh was borrowed from my cheeks.

She walked away to take the picture just as I was looking down to see my nipple squashed against the upper plastic plate. I wouldn't say the experience was totally enjoyable but it did turn me on a little. I mean, I have never been into bondage or S&M by any means but what's the harm in a little resistance? It would have been much more enjoyable had I another woman knelt down below me to counteract the nipple stimulation but even without, it was something I did not expect to find arousing. Problem now is, I think I lost a size from the time I walked into the office. Any more of those and I will have to change my name to Bill.Now on Thursday I get to have my breasts fondled yet again during my ultrasound. Rumour has it it is a much more intimate setting and the technician brings her own heated KY Jelly! Wonder if I'm allowed to bring my pocket rocket? Yes, this is what my life has come to since leaving escorting. Any bets on how long my retirement will last? Likely not any longer than this smoking BS. When I start to fantasize about medical imaging equipment I think I need to draw the line!

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Family Reunion

Family Reunion
It’s a tradition in our family, as it is in many to hold a reunion every couple of years. New marriages, babies, little girls becoming young ladies, little boys becoming young men. And in our family it is all centered around my Great-Grandmother. My hero, my idol and my biggest supporter, I just love her so much. It so happens that this year’s family reunion falls on her 95th birthday this coming Saturday.
I’ve been to every reunion our family has held. It’s full of water games for the kids and a very competitive horseshoe game between the adults. Plenty to eat and even more to drink, we spend the entire day catching up on what’s been happening our lives. Our family is a big one and we have always been very close. I take my kids to my Grandmother’s to visit with her and my Great-Grandmother as often as possible and we are always spoiled with homemade cakes, pies and cookies washed down with a cold glass of milk.
My Great-Nana will spend hours telling stories about what is going on in the family. Her mind is healthier than the rest of our younger brood. She knows who is marrying who, the name of our third cousins new born, the towns in which each of our extended families have moved to. The mail that is delivered each day is full of cards and letters from friends whom she used to live next to when in Arizona 50+ years ago. She writes a letter every day, sometimes I am the lucky one to hear from her.
I named my baby after her and although the name means “Uncertain, bitter” it certainly does not hold true for either. I named my daughter after her because of everything my Great-Nana stands for in my life. She takes life in stride and rolls with the punches. She has been through the good and the bad in her lifetime but has never let the pitfalls bring her down. She gives that unconditional love we all yearn for. Truly an amazing woman, I am so blessed to have my children grow to know her and have her in their lives. So this reunion is extra special for me and my kids. It is another year to be thankful for the wonderful family that all began with my Great-Nana.
So why am I dreading it? Because our family just isn’t what it used to be. I could blame it on Belle but I refuse to. Because I think no matter how others perceive my life to have been as Belle, their judgment of me…who I am, should not be clouded by Belle’s activities. Something some people in my family cannot accept. My mother and sister became aware of Belle’s lifestyle just before Christmas last year. They made their disapproval quite apparent when they called the government agency to check on my kids. I haven’t spoken to them since. It gets a little more complicated than that and maybe someday I can explain it better but suffice to say that they considered me a bad mother because I chose to provide escort services for money. I won’t say I chose to be an escort because really, I don’t think that defines who someone is but something someone does. Looking at it from that perspective I don’t see how I have changed entirely as a person, that escorting had suddenly made me an unfit parent when for 14 years both my mother and my sister prided me for how well I have always taken care of my kids. I despise ignorance.
I haven’t discussed this issue with my Nana or my Great-Nana because even though I know they are aware of Belle…..they don’t care. They may be concerned for me and not fully understand, but they would never turn their backs on me. It’s that unconditional love we all yearn for. We don’t need to talk about it because it would never affect our relationship with each other. I still love them and they still love me.
But being at this upcoming family reunion I know there will be tension. I spent an hour on the phone last week with a cousin of mine. We seldom talk until family events like these and we need to work out the details. Why is it there is always someone who loves to gossip in every family? You know the ones. They are the first to spread the news that so and so have split up, Uncle Jimmy got fired cause of his drinking, Aunt Janet’s boy is in rehab……there is always one and my family is no exception. Well, I finally got the scoop. Of course, without surprise it was all about me. Yes, my entire family knows about Belle. I was the talk of the family at the Christmas dinner I missed out on last year, and the conversation still seems to flow as freshly now as it did then. And this is what I have to face when I show up on Saturday with a gift for my Great-Nana and 4 kids in tow.
It’s not supposed to be like this, you know? It is so frustrating because I want to scream to the world about just how good I feel about my life and all of the good things Belle has brought to my life but I know I would never be understood. To “them” I am just another street walker lowering myself to the sexual demands of a lower class society to make a quick buck. “It’s not like that” I want to say but I know it would fall on deaf ears.
The funny thing is, I still don’t regret it….even with everything I have lost, I have still gained so much more. I know you say “family is everything” and it is, I am with you on that thought. But family should be above this sort of thing. My brother is a drunk and a drug addict. I love him and will support him when he needs me. I don’t have to approve of his lifestyle. That is what family is about.
So I thought about Saturday and just how I should play it all out. I could show up with my head held high, smile and pretend that everything is okay. I could swim with the kids and sit next to my Great-Nana listening to her tell stories of who is who. Maybe even play a game or two of horse shoes….or I could…..

Show up with the 6inch thigh high heeled boots, leather mini skirt and leopard print tank top and bright red lipstick. I have even contemplated how the conversation would go with my cousin when I first arrive. Talk about phoney people looking for good gossip, she is one of them. Just which personality I should play is the question:

Cousin: Why are you late? Kids slowing you down lately or what?
Belle: Sorry, I had a 3 hr at the KW and had to run home and wash the dribble off my face. Then I had to take the condoms and PR out of my purse to make room for the birthday card. Got here as quick as I could.
Me: Yeah, little Johhny had a scrape and couldn’t find a band-aid. What a great set-up, looks like you’ve been busy!
Cousin: Yeah, well anything for Great-Nana. Wait till you see the beautiful gift I made for her, she’ll love it!
Belle: I’ve been so busy with John’s the past week I didn’t have time to make anything but I stopped in at the liquidation place on the corner where I stand every night and picked her up a foot massager. Only cost me a BJ, and you know me, love a bargain!
Me: How thoughtful of you, Nana loves gifts from the heart. With work and kids I wished I had the time for that but the kids did make her a beautiful card and we picked some flowers for her out in the yard this morning. So, how has the Hubby been?
Cousin: Never see him, he’s been working so hard to pay off the new car but as long as he’s bringing home the money I won’t complain! How about you and…..oh, sorry. How are the kids with all of that anyways?
Belle: I dunno, they seem ok but I never ask them. Hard enough dealing with feeding them let alone dealing with their feelings and shit. FACS says they are ok so I guess they must be. I still have em, for now anyways. Wow, look at Jenny’s new beau. He looks rich, excuse me while I go introduce my services……
Me: They are doing great thanks. Getting big, enjoying the summer and dreading going back to school. Is that Jenny’s new husband? She looks so happy with him! Excuse me while I go introduce my serv…….myself.

Oh the fun I could have! But alas, for the sake of my kids and the family that I do respect I will behave…but boy do I miss Belle! Wish me luck, I’ll let you know how it goes

Don't put off the dentist!

If you are anything like me, you get a reminder call from the dentist's office and cancel the appointment stating some business meeting that has you out of town or your dog goes in for surgery that day or some other crazy damned excuse to stop them from calling for the next month or so. After putting it off for almost a year I gathered up my nerve to finally go in for my cleaning. Don't get me wrong, my dentist is the most wonderful dentist any nervous patient could ask for but my teeth are so sensitive that just a simple cleaning requires me to have my mouth frozen. Now between visiting with clients (just imagine an SP walking in your room with her mouth frozen) and work, going 4 hours with a frozen mouth just doesn't fit well in my schedule. Ok, it's a poor excuse but it proved a costly lesson recently.

In March I finally made it into the hygenist's chair. It was a complete work up with x-rays and that thing where they prod your gums and call out numbers. Just what do they call that anyways? I have known for some time now that I have a problem with bone loss and this is always an issue when I go for these visits. Numbers of 10 and 11 when healthy numbers for the gums are 2's and 3's. I know, this may sound silly...I wished I knew how to explain it better. Anyways, the hygenist finished her cleaning and told me the Dr. would be in in just a minute to talk with me. Nothing seemed outside of the norm until he walked in and as he started to take a look around my mouth the hygenist commented to him something about the "buccal mucosa". He said he had noticed that and spent the next few minutes quietly scraping around the insides of my cheeks and gum line.

After doing so he sat up and asked if I have any odd habits. Cheek biting? Chewing on objects?. No to both. Chronic gum chewing? Yes. He explained that I had a "small white patch" on the inside of my left cheek. Likely it was nothing but he wanted to send me to an oral surgeon to have it looked at. He didn't seem too concerned so I wasn't either, although the weeks of waiting to get into the doctor was a little frustrating. Finally the day came and I found myself sitting in the office of the oral surgeon having a biopsy taken of what he referred to as a "rather large lesion". Now I was nervous. A white patch I could handle. A lesion I dould not although he assured me it was just clinical talk.

One week later and I am called into his office to discuss the results of my biopsy. "What you have is termed squamous cell carcinoma". I had no idea what squamous cell meant but I knew carcinoma meant cancer. That's all I heard that day really. He talked a bit about my smoking and gum chewing habits and then tried to explain how carcinoma works within the body. I just focused on what to do next. You would think it would be immediate treatment but no, it was a matter of doing some testing before treatment would be given. First he explained that I would need an exploratory done to see just how far, if at all the cancer has spread, This would involve an endoscopy. A very simple procedure placing a camera down my throat. This could be done while I was awake but the chicken shit I am, I opted to have it done while I was asleep. Some of you may know me to be calm and relaxed by nature but when it comes to these things I say knock me out because I become a nervous wreck.

So, 2 weeks later I was put out and the camera was rolling. From there I only remember waking up and feeling ill to my stomach. I was given some gravol and was a little groggy still when the doctor came in. He asked what my plans were for the rest of the evening. I was scared then, knowing that I was supposed to be released by 1pm and at home to meet my kids when they got home from school. Then he asked me about work and my schedule for the next few days. When I asked him why he asked my permission to put me out again as he had found a few lesions on the back of my throat he wanted to biopsy and at the same time remove the lesion on my cheek. I cried. Then I asked for my purse so I could call my kids father and be sure he would take care of the kids until I got home and help out through the weekend. That settled and I was back in having the lesion removed.

Everything went very well and once I was awake and steady I was told to go home and wait for the new biopsy results to come in, likely about 10 days. It was hard for me after I was at home. It's the wait that was the hardest. And me......I keep to myself when I am upset. I can't talk about it, but I had no problem crying myself through it. I don't want mean for that to sound sad because it really wasn't that sad. It was healthy for me to cry as it is not something I do often and it showed that I was dealing with something for once instead of just brushing it under the carpet pretending it wasn't happening as I do most things in my life. But I still had to deal with it on my own. I only had to wait 7 days.

Surprisingly when the biopsy results came in they were more promising than the first. I have a condition called Lichenoid Mucositis. It's causes are many including gum chewing and smoking. It produces lesions of varying description but the good news is that seldom do these lesions evolve into squamous cell carcinomas. More good news was that it appears the lesion he removed from my cheek was complete and surrounded by healthy cells. This condition is incurable but may come and go over the years. It will involve another surgery to remove and biopsy a few more lesions that have spread to my right cheek as well as the 2 on my throat. It will also require me to make continuous visits to be aware of any new lesions but it was very promising to learn that my primary condition is not oral cancer as originally thought. For that I am very thankful. I have been doing my best to stick to my doctors recomendations. Cut down on the smoking, chew fruit flavored gum as cinnamon and spearmint can cause somewhat of an allergic reaction to this condition and keep myself as stress free as possible. Lighten my schedule and keep smiling. That part is not a problem for me. I will always find a reason to smile.

So, the moral of this very long story? Don't put off the dentist! He may have some scary sounding tools in that room of his that can put you off, but cavities may not be the only thing he notices that you wouldn't otherwise. Thee lesions, they are small and they are under the skin. They don't hurt, I can't feel them at all. If it wasn't for my regular cleaning, I would have had no idea. The odd thing is that this condition is very common so when your dentist office calls to reminding you of your upcoming appointment, tell them you will be can afford to wait, you cannot.

What happened to my house?

I have been quite busy since announcing my retirement as Belle and just this weekend have finally had the chance to sit and relax. Sounds like a good thing right? No, definately not! My question is....what the hell happened to my house while Belle was off doing her thing? I don't mean just basic housekeeping issues....I mean everything is falling apart! Paint on the outside brick is in need of a new coat not to mention all of my basebards inside could use one too. My rails on my kingsized bed have collapsed (how I wish it was from being to rough), my carpet in my room is in desperate need of replacing. My kitchen is still half done which didn't really bother me till now since I have no choice but to sit at home and look at it.

My chimney is missing the animal guard at the top and my flue needs to be repaired. I have a leak in my basement....coming from the ceiling. When the f*&% did that happen? The contractors that started to work on my house forgot they removed a duct where they made a cutout in my wall so I have no heat/air being sent to my upstairs. My shut off valve on the bathroom sink is leaking...which may explain the water in the basement. I don't have any flowers in my did I forget to plant flowers? The kids trampoline is missing half the springs, I found 2 when I cut the grass. The pool was green, wasn't it just 2 days ago I put chlorine in it? How did I not notice everything falling apart around me?

I never realized just how busy I kept myself until I stopped being so busy. I think I prefer being busy! Now I have to keep busy because being busy kept me from seeing things I should have been doing if I wasn't so busy. The countdown to Disney officially begins today, I need a vacation! 48 days to go. I am giving myself 48 days to get my house back in order because the last thing I want to do when coming home from the house of mouse is be busy or even think about the things I should be doing to keep busy. But for right now.....I think I'll just go to bed.:rolleyes:

The Beauty of Rain

The beauty of rain. I do love to hear the rain coming down against the windows, watching the droplets make their indirect paths down to the pane and out of sight. Or the sound of a car being driven past my home as I listen to the thrust of the water being splashed up the side walls and getting hurled to the sidewalk. I love to listen as the wind picks up and I can hear the trees swaying outside, the rain landing on the leaves oftentimes with a force strong enough to send them free falling to the ground. The rain is so peaceful and beautiful but not only for what it looks or sounds like outside but for the moments it creates in my home.

The rain starts outside and my life stops inside. It is as though the rain stops time to allow for precious moments to be had. I grab a blanket, a soft cuddly one and round up my kids in the living room. The summer weather tends to send everyone in their opposite ways. One child may visit a friend’s house down the street, another in the pool in the back yard, one riding a bike around the neighborhood while another takes a time out to watch Much Music videos in the cool air conditioning. It is seldom we have those bonding moments that we are able to share in the winter. It is a wonderful thing, to see my kids spread out in the summer; developing friendships with kids and gaining a bit of independence. But I still look forward to rainy days like today.

We put on a movie and do nothing at all. It is times like these that I want to hold on to as my kids grow. They talk about life, their lives through their eyes and it opens me up to just how simple things really are for them. “Can’t you just tell work that your kids want you to stay home Mommy?”, my five year old asked. “Ah, if life we like that sweetheart”. Yes, life is very simple to them. “Mom, can we have breakfast for supper tonight?”. “Well, breakfast is for the morning honey, don’t ya think”. “Well, why do we have to eat Mickey waffles only in the morning?”. “Good question, why do we? Mickey waffles for supper it is!”. I live for days like today.

We are so quick to moan when it rains. The plans that get cancelled, the errands we had to run but it’s just too wet out. We want to weed the garden, swim in the pool, go for a walk….many things, and they are good things…..but isn’t it nice when mother nature just turns around and says to us “Today is a time out day”? I love being outside alone with my thoughts working about the yard or watching the kids play but I love these moments too. We get too busy sometimes and it’s nice to just lay under that cozy blanket watching a movie about some fantasy land you can only see by using your imagination and having the tiniest arms and baby hands wrapped around you. Thinking about nothing except the fact that you are having breakfast for dinner and wondering if you have marshmallows to toss in their hot chocolate just to see the smiles of surprise on their faces. I hope it rains tomorrow.

Parents of teens: Please read!

Teens today are no smarter than the teens of yesterday. And protecting them isn’t any easier. I’m learning this as I attempt to successfully raise a teenage daughter. The wonderful age of the internet. I love it not only for its ease of use in this business but for keeping in contact with friends, school projects when time to get to a library is limited and searching out a business website or product I may be interested in. It has its uses, if one, it’s one thousand of them. The world wide web keeps our world connected but the other day it could have torn me apart.

I am writing this to all parents of teenage children. I thought I was doing everything right. My daughter’s computer next to mine in the dining room. In passing I would always peer over her shoulder to see who she is talking to. I have talked at great length with her the danger of internet predators. We have watched T.V. programmes about the issue and just how serious it is. I have preached, prodded and thankfully prayed that she be safe. Someone was listening to my prayer.

I saw her chatting on a Sunday afternoon and walked over to see who she was chatting with. There was a conversation screen on the monitor, someone complaining about a baby cousin’s birthday party he had to go to. He had asked my daughter if she wanted to help him out, she thought he was joking and replied “No Thanks LOL”. I asked who it was she was talking to as these kids all use silly handles and there was no display picture to view. She said it was her “EX”. Assuming it was the boy she had “dated” recently whom had been to our house for a few dinners and played some fooseball I suggested she go along and help him out. They agreed to meet outside a Tim Horton’s and I had arranged to have her father drive her as I was on my way out.

After dropping her off he was headed to the park with our other children when he realized the name she gave in the car did not ring a bell so he turned around to question her about it. As he was pulling in he noticed a guy get out of his car in the parking lot, light a smoke and walk around the building. Her dad walked up to her and questioned about who she was meeting. Knowing she was caught she admitted she had never met him before but had talked a lot to him online. Naturally her dad flipped out giving her a lecture about meeting someone this way and what she could have possibly been getting herself into. He made a scene which embarrassed her but justifiably so.

When I came home later that evening her father told me what happened. I have a chat program installed on her computer where I can view her chat conversations so I checked it out. Even after the lecture her father gave her she still sent this person an email apologizing for leaving and gave a false description of what she was wearing so that if he had in fact been there he would not think it was her that was being taken away by her raging father. He replied saying he had left before she arrived but that they would get together soon.

Now, it could very well have been a 13 year old kid….but it could well have been the 40 yr old man having a smoke who drove away without even gong into the store. What a scary thought to think that you have done all the right things and put that trust in your children to make the right decisions then they go off and do something so foolish. It was a reality check that teens are no different now than when we were there. They still know it all, can take care of themselves and have parents that just don’t know what it’s like to be 13. In fact…..I am so out of touch with what it’s like to be 13 that I now have my 13 year old doing laundry, yard work, painting…any work I can find for her to do the entire summer. I have made her replace her computer for a book she must have read by the time school let’s in and the phone replaced by a pen and paper for her to journal her wonderful summer spent at home with mom. I sense some great bonding time up and coming. :rolleyes:

Parents…..please be nosey. Read their emails, know who they are talking to, question where they are going when they leave the house. It’s not an invasion of their privacy, it’s our job as parents. I would rather have my daughter around to hate me than not have her around at all.

My Life Series: Divorce

I grew up, like hundreds of thousands of other kids in a broken home. I don’t remember much of life before the divorce. I don’t remember family vacations, Christmases, birthday parties or any event that a child growing up in a stable home would have memories of. I feel robbed of so much and am still, even as an adult very bitter for what I lost.

I was 13 when my parents split. I knew things were not good but I never remember things being bad save for coming down stairs several years prior and seeing my father’s belongings packed and stacked in a hallway. There was no fighting, but I knew things were not right. My parents did not hug nor kiss. They didn’t exchange “I love you’s” when they left the house or hung up the phone. I was lucky to not have had to witness violence or abuse in my childhood home but it was what I did not witness that has made moving on in my life a difficult thing to do.
I didn’t see love.

I am sure my parents loved each other, but they never showed it. My father is a quiet man. He accepts things as they are and keeps his thoughts and emotions to himself as most men do. I know he loves me, but I cannot recall him ever saying it. My mom….well she had her moments. I am sure with the divorce she was lost, something I can relate to now being a divorcee myself. She drank a lot, or should I say a lot more than she did prior to my father leaving. But I cannot fault her for that. Not the best way to handle things but perhaps her defense mechanism to protect her from the pain of having her world being turned upside down.

At 13, I saw her as a drunk. A self absorbed woman who spent too much time waddling in her own self pity to notice that her three children were suffering her pain too. At 32, I see a woman who felt abandoned, alone and likely scared to death having to raise 3 children who were now from a broken home. She had become a statistic. No one likes to be reduced to a number.

I chose to live with my father. At 14 my dad went to court and was granted custody of me. I always felt, and still do to this day a special bond with my dad. He never said much, yet in his silence he said everything. He worried for me yet never pressured me. He let me screw up and accepted the hell I put him through to allow me to learn from my mistakes…..and I made many from them. But because the sacrifices he made for me, I am who I am today.

Now, I look at my four children and I hurt for them. I know kids are resilient, I know they will learn to adjust and I know that this has become the norm for many children. My anger comes from the fact that it shouldn’t be so. My kids shouldn’t have to learn to adjust. They shouldn’t have to be resilient. They shouldn’t be reduced to a number. I don’t know what my parents went through prior to their divorce but I do know that their marriage was not given up on easily. And I know my marriage is much the same. I tried, Lord knows I tried to keep a happy healthy home for my children. But I had to break that cycle.

I realized just how much my marriage was that of my parents. No hugs, no kisses. No “I love you’s”, no sleeping in the same bed. There may have been love there on some level but to my children it must have seemed loveless. I did not want my three girls to think this is what a marriage was about. I didn’t want them to settle for less but to have belief in the dream.

What I wonder now is if I will ever stop mourning that loss. Will I ever be okay with the fact that my marriage failed? I know I did all I could and I also know that no matter how much I loved him or he loved me it just simply wasn’t enough and that walking away was the best thing I could have done. I don’t regret the decision but will I ever stop wishing it could have been different?


A few reflections since announcing my departure from the business. This first one was an odd irony I encountered at an industry party a few days ago. I was excited to be there to see the many faces I have met if only briefly, through escorting. I wanted the chance to say thanks, share a laugh or two and part ways knowing all was said that I wanted to be said. And for the most part, it was a most pleasant day.

Typically at these events it starts off with one drink and ends up with me likely being naked. It is me, my carefree Belle self. It is business, advertising of who I am and what I stand for as Belle. It is a time to give my appreciation for those that have trusted me as an independent escort, a time for me to lose my inhibitions and let my hair down. This party was a little different. There was no advertising, in fact there was no drinking and no getting naked….on my part anyways. While I wasn’t feeling that well the day of, I wanted to just sit back and reflect on the positive changes this business has brought to my life.

All faces were welcoming to see until one prior client approached me to give me his door fee for the party as I had volunteered to do the collecting. I looked up to see the face of the man who just so happened to be my very first client as an escort. Perhaps you remember the blog entry I made dedicated to that very experience. It was not a pleasant one, in fact it was just the opposite. Let me tell you the history of this guy, a brief recap of my first appointment to now.
My first call with the agency I joined and I was warned by the owner that he can be aggressive and to hold my ground. I was scared. Scared to be doing this for the first time, scared to possibly encounter a situation I have feared all my life….having to stand up for myself. I walked in and quickly realized the type of experience he was looking for I was not willing to be a part of. He demanded that I ask permission to touch him and to not do anything until he told me so.

He told me to stand in front of him and let him undress me with my hands behind my back. I was nervous, I didn’t know what to do so at first I went along with his little game. He talked about this being my first call, the agency told him prior to booking me. He made me beg to kiss him, then to take his lead and move from his lips down his body. I was going along with this until he asked to call me his “submissive bitch” and requested he use nipple clamps on me. I flatly refused and a conversation ensued about how I need to please the client. I left that room with a small victory. I said no, something I had never done before….but I also allowed things to happen that I was not comfortable with and for that I was disappointed in myself. My first week held a few of these encounters, moments that I walked out being disappointed in myself.

A few days later I was sent to see him again. I did not realize it until he answered the door. To my amazement, I took the call and I walked in there with a much stronger “don’t f*** with me” attitude. He tried the same things again, the submissive role play, the name calling, the nipple clamps and I denied him all of the above. I left early and told my driver I refuse to see him again. He did not like taking no for an answer, told me to never smoke within hours of seeing him and so on. I decided then, that I am who I am. I will have my boundaries and I will not step outside of them for anyone no matter the money being offered. I am proud to say that the conviction I made that night stayed with me for the remaining 20 months in the business.

A few months after being independent of an agency, I get a voice mail. The voice I will never forget. It was him and he had the nerve to give me a different name and request to see me. I was so mad that he would have the nerve to be so ignorant. He knew I would refuse to see him and I did, of course. Next was an industry party where he showed up. He just sat there, the table behind mine and stared. We never spoke but I was unnerved by his presence. One year later, due to driver issues for a month or so I joined an agency part time until I settled the issues. My first night I get 3 calls as soon as I book on. As I finish the second call I hop in with the driver and light a cigarette. The driver asks that I put it out and tells me I have another call and the guy asked I do not smoke prior. My guard went up and I just knew it was him.

The guy goes by the name John235 on the review boards but he also introduces himself as “John from ****” referring to another review board. I asked the driver to call the dispatcher and ask what name he gave when he booked. Sure enough it was him! I explained to the driver my experience with him and once she realized who he was she knew he was also banned from 2 agencies for his aggressiveness with women. He was denied my call and told he was banned from the agency. Lo and behold, I get a private message from him. For the first time ever, I am going to share those messages publicly. The final messages went as follows:

Originally Posted by John235 Bell I was your first call with (agency name edited) I have seen you maybe 4 times or so We have always had a good call and i am not aware of ever having any problem I tried to book you Saturday through (agency name edited) and when time was getting late they told me you said you had a problem with me and that you would not see me and that i am now band from (them) What is that all about? I am very respected and have many ladies you can check for reference ***** and **** did a call with me @ (agency and ladies names edited) as well as many others. I have always respected you and regard my reputation with the agencies. I have never had a problem with any ladies ever and I always treat everyone with respect. I had a problem with (agency owner name edited) many years ago at (agency name edited) that was going back maybe 8 or more years and it was a (agency owner) issue not a lady issue. Please talk to me so I can resolve this.You can email me at (email edited)[/color]

My response:

On the contrary, I am aware of many problems you have had with the agencies. (Agency name edited) had you banned, most of the girls refused to see you there. My first call with you I was very uncomfortable with you and I made you aware of that. You asked to call me "Your submissive little bitch" and then requested we used nipple clamps. I said no to both. You then proceeded to tell me I had to ask your permission to do anything to you. You then complained of my smoking...first visit...fair enough as you didn't know any better.

I saw you the next week through (agency name edited) and was terrified but being new with the business I stayed. You complained of my smoking...knowing I am a smoker. No reason to complain this time! When I got out of that call I asked (agency owners names edited) to not send me to you again. You called me as an indy and used a different name to see you as you knew I would turn you away. That was very disrespectful and ignorant!

I am at a point in this business that I do not have to put myself in situations that I am uncomfortable in. You feel the need to be powerful and in control of a woman. I find that demeaning and will not put myself in that environment again. I would apologize if I felt I did something wrong but standing up for myself does not constitute an apology.

He was not happy. His response:

BDSM ________________________________________Belle
I am quite surprised at your response. You are in a profession that most people do not understand. When a person with out knowledge is asked about your profession they say that women are forced into it or are drug users they are degraded ect. Having been with you and having read what you have written on your site and on blogs you understand this industries and the men who see women better then most anyone. I have been involved in this for a very long time. So I speak from experience that you are unique and among the best in the industry.
When it comes to BDSM there is a whole culture and a industry of it’s own. It is not degrading to women those women who are involved in roles weather submissive, dominate or switch do so with respect and are proud of how they feel about there role. When a sub be it a man or a women partakes in this culture they do so with an understanding of them self and it is not degrading. Those in dominate roles as master get the power of master from the sub in fact it is the sub who is in control as they give the power in an exchange to the master. In this practice this is how the safty is maintained and those of us go to great lengths to insure safe words and an understanding of this.

In our meetings I have expressed that I respect your comfort and I have never asked you to do anything you feel uncomfortable with. I am sorry that you might not have experience or knowledge of BDSM and that just by my asking you got scared or misunderstood my intentions. But I believe that if you think about the times we meet you will recall that I did express that I explained this concept and that I never ask you to do this if you are not comfortable. In fact you expressed that you are not comfortable with this and I did not press it.

I have learned that it is best to do this with women who understand this culture and when I desire this I will do it with women like (escort name edited) who are very comfortable with this. Or I will go to places in Toronto the specialize in this.

To have me banned do to your misunderstanding I feel is not correct I would ask that you speak to (escorts names edited) and the owners of (agency name edited) and have my name cleared. I have never asked anyone to do anything they are not comfortable with and respect the women I am with. BDSM is not a control over women thing it is a culture of it’s own and women who partake do so of there own desire the power they allow the masters they are with comes form them and the masters respect this. Safe guide lines are always followed. I am sorry for any misunderstanding

Please think about this and consider clearing my name.

Ummm, excuse me? My misunderstanding? No misunderstanding. I have nothing against BDSM, I simply choose not to be part of it. And the point is, that is my decision. To repeatedly ask to see me (I am assuming because he sensed my insecurity and that he felt he could wear me down) knowing I was not comfortable with what he was in to shows his lack of respect for women in this industry. What I have a problem with is guys like this that take advantage of new girls trying to spring upon them requests for services that are certainly not par for the course. It is wrong. These things should be discussed and mutually agreed upon prior to meeting with someone. Of course with my big mouth I could not let this one go. Unfortunately I do not have a copy of the pm I sent him responding to the above but I know I told him everything as I have written here.

It disgusted me that he considers himself an expert in BDSM yet does not seek those services from escorts that specialize in that that service….even worse that he seeks out unassuming ladies in hopes that his control over them is not a “role play” but that he truly does have that control over her. It simply makes me sick. His final message to me was a half-hearted apology.

So, back to the party. This to me was his final stage of the game. In his twisted mind I think it is part of his fantasy. To be my first call and intimidate me the way he knew he could. To call for me again, and yet again to remind me of who he is, it was like his attempt of keeping that fear of him in me. To call for me at the second agency on my first night with them, to play out in his head the irony of my first call with him being my very first appointment. To show up at the party, the final party I will be attending when no one even knows who this guy is, to walk up to me and hand me his door fee with a big grin on his face….it seemed all part of a game. He just paced the parking lot, not talking to anyone, just paced and paced. Only, I didn’t fear him. In fact, I looked at him as a sick pathetic soul. A loser. A low life.

I told others at the party who he was. I wanted him alienated but unfortunately I didn’t get the word out fast enough. He ended up seeing a girl but thankfully she had more confidence in herself than I did when I saw him. She walked out after 20 minutes refusing to have anything to do with him and expressed her concern for his aggressiveness. I later find out he used another name to get into the party. He knew he was not welcome, he knew he was banned. He showed up anyways. Because of that, because of his lack of respect for women and the industry I have no problem exposing him here. Behaviour like this may be harmless to some but to a woman in the industry it is creepy and creepy is not what it should be about.

I won this game, but I don’t want to play it ever again. It is one of few things I will not miss about this business. The weeding out, the nervousness when meeting someone, the being asked to do things I am uncomfortable with doing. Yes, it may be part of the business and I understand that. But like any business, there is a down side. John235 is the downside.

The time has come

Well, as I have said before…”Here for a good time, not a long time”. Good times were had and now it is time for me to move on. I think we should name this week the week of the dearly departed. Seeing such wonderful ladies announce their departure from this business, I realize that my time too has come. But I am leaving with no regrets, lessons learned, friends gained and a renewed sense of who I am and where I am headed in life. For that I will be forever grateful to all of you.

I created Belle in August 2005. She became someone I had always wanted to be. Confident, sexual, carefree, spontaneous and adventurous. I wanted her to take me places I have never seen, allow me to do things I have never done. I wanted her to take me away from reality and give me the fantasy all women dream of. I wanted to feel desired, cared for, wanted as a woman. I wanted to feel passion, be a part of that passion, give into that passion. I wanted an escape, a glimpse into the world beyond my own.

While Belle gave me everything I was looking for, she also gave me so much more. Things that not only did I not expect, but did not know I was looking for. She opened my eyes to what the world has to offer me. I now have an inner strength to face the world instead of cowering to its wrath. All in all, I found me. Now it’s time to see just what I can do out there.
I’m not one for long goodbyes so just let me say thanks for the ones that took the time to get to know me and open your lives up to me. I won’t mention any names, you all know who you are. I will often look back and smile at the memories you have given me. No regrets, just smiles and lots of them.

For those of you that have followed my rambling blog, thank you for listening. In the next few days my website will be no longer of use other than the main page being my blog which I hope I will still be writing years from now. My contact info, schedule, pictures and all forums will become a thing of my past, a very memorable one. I can’t tell you how much fun it has been to banter back and forth about the business, life and love. I hope some of you stick around to see where this next phase takes me.

I posted a contest of sorts a couple of months ago on my website. I asked for anyone reading to submit a perfect date scenario. My intent was to experience something I am not ready for in my personal life yet so desperately need to be a part of. Just one evening, no money exchange. The kind of date you would plan the night you propose to your loved one. I am excited to live out that “date” and have decided that that evening will be my last experience as Belle. What a perfect way to end this leg of my journey.

So, that being said, while an official date has not been set I can be sure in saying that Friday, July 13th will be my final day. Thanks again, kisses to all of you!

xoxo Belle



An attractive man but one who does not spend 10 minutes grooming himself to look better than me after hours of grooming. Must be manly but with a sensitive side. Meaning, he can cry during “City of Angels” but not when he stubbs his toe. He must tell me the things I want to hear if he really means it and never tell me when he doesn’t. I don’t expect him to promise me the world but a planet or two would be nice. He must love to drive and put up with me in the passenger seat while I yell at him to slow down…with a smile the entire time. He must keep country playing on the car radio and only listen to his favorite music in the garage where I will send him when he gets on my nerves. Likely twice daily.

He must love to cook and BBQ in the summer and never expect me to do either. He must be self sufficient and have a job that works around my schedule. He must know when to say nice comforting things yet also know when to shut the fuck up. He must not require a lot of effort to make happy and be confident enough to know I want him yet not over confident where he becomes an arrogant prick. Combs in the back pocket are a no-no. He must not snore, unless I fall asleep before he does. In fact, he must massage me to sleep every night before he even thinks of resting his weary eyes. Hey, this IS my ad you know!

He must enjoy long walks. Not at the beach necessarily but hikes through forests looking for Tupperware containers filled with other people’s junk. He must not fear anything but my wrath. Spiders and snakes must be his friends, friends that he never brings home. Heck even human friends he must never bring home unless I really like them and he plans on sharing our bed with them. He MUST love the Habs. He can have a hobby or two of his own, including escorts as long as he invites me and I approve of his pick of the litter.

He must never come home in a drunken stupor unless I have been with him the entire evening. If there is a night he doesn’t come home he must pick up his belongings at the curbside prior to 8am. He must not beg to have a dog, or any pet for that matter. If he wants to take care of something…..hell….that’s what I am here for! He must never be upset when I spend money and understand that he is not allowed to spend any because I spent it all. He must never come home without a Timmy’s for me. On hot summer days a Mint Chocolate Iced Cappuccino will suffice. He must give me sex when I want it and not ask for it when I don’t. He must not look at another woman unless I comment on how hot she is first. And lastly, he must be able to read my mind.

Apply within.

Did I do that?

I am going to write this blog knowing full well that I will lose all dignity but I am at a stage in the game where I feel comfortable enough to laugh and say “Ah well”. So here goes. Last night…..I peed the bed! Yes, I woke in the night, in the middle of a nightmare to realize the toilet I dreamt I was sitting on was really my bed. Although I woke just a moment later than I would have rathered, it was late enough to officially count myself as a bed wetter. I am hoping at least some of you can relate to this or I am going to be really embarrassed.

This is where I realized that I take my role as an escort too seriously. That, and the fact that I am aging and this is what I have to look forward to down the road. The nightmare. I was at an industry party. It wasn’t a public place kind of meet and greet, more like a house party for us few that hang out. There were no scheduled appointments, it was just to be a night of simply drinking and chatting it up. Surprisingly, I got a little intoxicated and felt the need to remove some clothing. Things were getting heated, the guys and the ladies feeling frisky and lacking any inhibitions. Piece by piece the clothes were coming off. I was so horny, going back to my previous blog about just wanting to get laid. I was being a tease, working up the room. Hands were exploring and just as the guy I was drooling over was about to place his hand between my thighs I realized I didn’t shave before leaving the house!

Total horror took over. OMG, this guy is going to feel stubble! I was so embarrassed and quickly closed my legs together and ran to the washroom. I tore apart the medicine cabinet, the vanity, the linen closet…every nook and cranny of this lavatory in hopes of finding a razor. He was knocking on the door asking if I was okay. I was so humiliated I told him I had drank too much and was feeling ill. But I was horny and I wasn’t about to leave without being satisfied. Talk about being all about me!

I asked him to bring me my purse and when he did, I shut the door and opened up my purse to find my tweezers. One by one I sat there, wincing in pain until I was smooth as a baby’s bottom. Barely able to move I made my way to the toilet prior to leaving the washroom. This is when I woke up. Now the timing was good…and very bad! I only dribbled and had I waited any longer, well….no need to go any further with that. BUT…I went through the pain of tweezing my most intimate areas and I didn’t get to reap my reward! I woke up wet, for more reasons than I care to think about and horny as hell at 3am. Of course I did what any horny woman would do. I ran the tub and masturbated. The first time took no effort as I was practically there. It was the second one that satisfied me before heading back to bed.

Lesson learned? Hair dye before bed is a no-no. From now on I will dye my hair in the morning so I can be horny as hell and not have to take care of it myself! Don’t be scared the next time you see me if I have green hair and a pocket rocket in hand. Just keep me busy cause if I fall asleep you will see just how wet I can really get! Omg, what has my blog come to?

Ever just want to F***?

Have you ever wanted sex so bad that it physically hurt? I mean that torturous “I have to have it now” feeling? I know I talk so much about me being all about passion and sensuality only because as an SP, that is the only clientele I wish to spend time with. But I AM human, I AM a woman and lately…..I just want to get f****d. It sounds so crude I can’t even type it but I really do just want to have it all about sex and how many times I can get off, how many times he can get off and how many ways we can figure how to get there. God am I ever going to regret this post after I’ve had some sleep!

I worked tonight not only putting in my eight hours but did two hours of overtime….and I spent the entire time thinking about sex. It may sound normal for some of you but it’s not the norm for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex…..but I don’t normally fantasize about it like I have all night. I imagined one of my customers naked, not even giving up his first name. He just pushed me down to the floor, ripped my clothes off and gave it to me like I really wanted him to. I’m sure he knew I was thinking something, I could tell the look in my eyes made him nervous. Poor guy, if he only knew!

I imagined cornering one of my coworkers who seems so sweet and innocent up against a wall. I grabbed her hands, pinned them above her head and just started kissing her in the break room. I could feel her resist me, a feeble attempt to convince herself she did not like it. But as the kiss lingered I could feel her hands go limp under mine, her lips loosened up and she gave in to her curiosity of what it would feel like to kiss a woman. This thought kept me wet most of the evening.

I imagined the men who have given me my fantasies since I have been escorting. The men that have tried new things with me, who I have tried new things with. And then I relived them while my customers bitched at me all night. I don’t think they appreciated my smile back to them. It took everything I had to not touch myself.

My breaks came and I rushed to the ladies room. I was soaked each time and could not wait to taste myself. I never got myself off, just sat there and played for a minute or two before joining my fellow associates. Sex was everywhere I looked. Men, women, couples….I pictured myself having sex with them all. Well, maybe not all as there were a few that just did not do it for me. But I was so damn horny that almost everyone was a target of my desire. I was having sex on the staircase, outside on the picnic tables where I would have my cigarette, in the ladies room on the huge countertop with the mirror reflecting all things I could not see. I was so horny, it hurt.
Now it’s not like I haven’t been getting any, I have. And it’s been good. I have left feeling satisfied only to have that ache return moments later. It’s fun, but it’s frustrating. I wished I could just grab a man that I want badly and just do it. No questions, no rationalizing, no objections. We just F***. Just because we felt like it. Hell, even if he doesn’t feel like it, we do it cause I feel like it! Damn that sounds so selfish but hey, it’s my blog and I can be selfish when I want to be!

Ok, I’m going to bed with my pocket rocket now to see what else I can fantasize about. And hopefully I fall asleep right after. I know I’ll only have about ten minutes before that sex freak overcomes me again. And when I wake up, the first thing I am going to do is delete this post!

The Voice in the Woods

Today was the first time in a long time that I actually felt like I wanted someone in my life. It should have been a great feeling I would have thought; to not want to be alone. I found a peaceful place to read a book while I was geocaching last week so I went back to revisit today, just for a casual stroll. I was a little too antsy to bring a book as my mind has been racing with all that has been going on in my life as of late. A mindset not ideal for delving into a complicated plot. So I just walked.

This is my happy place, the great outdoors. I feel connected and a sense of well-being overcomes me as I take in the sunlight that creeps through the tree cover above. It has always been my place to be alone, to clear my mind, to connect with who I am. I have never an intrusion here, so I was left feeling a little betrayed by my thoughts today. I felt solemn as I walked alone. I appreciated the silence but wished I had someone to share that same appreciation for the silence. This is my place dammit, my feel good place. My place where my life is not to be intruded upon. Yes, I felt betrayed by those thoughts.

We live in a world where society dictates who we should be, how we should act, what we should think. Society tells us we need love in our lives, that we cannot be happy alone. Society dictates what constitutes the norm and God forbid we live our lives outside of its expectations. Society says we should cry when times are tough, we should reach out when we feel alone. I say “Fuck society” and I venture outdoors. I like taking time out alone when I am feeling overwhelmed. When I am grumpy or angry or those days that I hate the world and feel lost, I need to be alone. I need to walk, to connect myself with the basics, with the roots of where we all come from. I find my happy place alone in nature, needing to surround myself with trees, water and silence. What I don’t need here is some nagging voice telling me there should be someone walking alongside me.

If I want to take the path to the right, I take it. I don’t want to compromise with anyone. I don’t want to justify why I want to veer to the right. I just do it because I feel like doing it. If I see a nice spot to just sit and think, I sit and think. I don’t want to explain what I am thinking about nor do I care to have my thoughts interrupted by someone else’s breathing beside me. I just want to think, by myself, about nothing or maybe about everything. Who cares? It’s my happy place and I can do here what I want to! So why the hell am I being interrupted by this annoying squeaky voice telling me I should be sharing this moment with someone? Who the fuck let society in here dammit?

There is nothing sane in here. Nothing makes sense. I don’t think like society expects me to, I don’t act like society expects me to, I am not who society expects me to be. But that is the beauty of my happy place. I don’t have to be! So why the hell did society follow me in here? I am not a conformist (in case any of you have not noticed). I refuse to accept that I need someone in my life to hold my hand. And most times I believe it, most times. But today really bothered me none the less. I feel strong for the first time in my life. I feel confident and in control. I own myself, nobody else has title on me. And no one, including that damn nagging voice, has any right to tell me I should live my life otherwise.

You likely know of the saying “That which does not destroy us makes us stronger”. It was a quote by Friedrich Nietzsche. What you may not know is that he wrote another aphorism. "The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself". I love that quote and can relate to what he is saying. Of course, he was mentally ill and institutionalized at the time of his death.:rolleyes:

Saturday, May 05, 2007


I have to say that I think masturbation is under rated and does not get the respect that the act deserves. We joke about having to please ourselves when there is no other option available but to be honest, some of my most pleasurable sexual moments have been when I have pleased myself. This is all about the greatness of masturbation:

I can make love with any man I so choose. I can hear Nicholas cage whisper in my ear, telling me he lusts for my body to be pressed against his. I can throw a coworker on the lunch room table in the middle of the day and engage in wild passionate sex all the while knowing this would never be a reality.

I can say what I want to who I want and not risk a damn thing by doing it. There is no rejection while masturbating. I am the screenwriter, the producer, the director and the actor. It’s my show, anything goes. If I want to be the star, I’m the star. If I want to be the supporting actress, then I am it. If I want to be the one who gets seduced by the sexiest man of my dreams then I let him seduce me.

Masturbation is my chance to explore sexual fantasies, things I do not find myself wanting to do in reality but just to close my eyes and experience how I imagine them to be. To be touched in just the right way, to be kissed like I have never been kissed before. There is nothing that can go wrong when it is just me, my body and my imagination. I let my imagination take me to places I would never go with another. It’s that chance to be uninhibited, to have an audience watch you perform, to be the desire of another that you know would never be.

But then, I can recreate my most erotic encounters through masturbation. Those times when I never wanted that moment to end. You know the way you feel just prior to orgasm where you don’t want it to end? I can keep myself there in that moment, hold it there in my mind and focus on just how wonderful it feels. I am in control, keeping myself from going over the edge.
Dangling there, I keep myself in that moment. Yes, masturbation is a wonderful thing.

My place of preference for masturbation is the bath. I love to lay there immersed in hot water, bubbles covering my body. I close my eyes and clear my mind of everything weighing me down. I can sometimes relax myself so well that I have fallen asleep. It’s just prior to that sleep state that I find I most able to enjoy a moment of self arousal. It’s hot and sweaty, I am relaxed and find that here, my mind is more open to sexual stimulation.

Sometimes I just like to get myself off to help me sleep. Then it’s not a matter of being relaxed and sensual but quick and to the point. It’s imagining a stranger coming out of no where, unbuttoning my jeans and pulling them to the floor. There is no foreplay, no whispering in my ear. He wants me, I want him. Straight to the points he lays me on the floor next to my jeans and gives it to me. We are both rushed, our lives awaiting our return. It’s all about the destination. Who cares how we get there, as long as we do. It’s intense and it’s quick. Those times can be just as sweet as any other.

Another bonus to masturbation….I get what I want, how I want it. There is no tending to another’s needs, catering to the mood they are in. It’s perfect each and every time. I do exactly what I want to do, he does exactly what I want him to do. I can imagine him being in a state no other woman has brought him to. I am his one, his only, his best. He has never had it as good as I am giving it to him. Yes, I am the star. C’mon now, we have all gotten ourselves off to this one at one time or another!

Masturbation truly is a wonderful thing. Don’t cheapen its significance by getting off just because there isn’t another heartbeat in the room. Make it an experience to remember. Live out your fantasies. Have sex with your neighbor, your boss, the hottie at the gym. Have sex any where you want, any way you want it and with whom ever you want to. Keep those most amazing sexual experiences alive by reliving them over and over again. Feel again the kiss, the moment your bodies connect, the aching pulse as you prepare to release. Yes, sex with another is great but masturbation should not be left in its wake. And the bet part is that when you drift off to sleep after masturbation….you’re not fighting anyone for the covers!

My Life Series: Drugs

I can still taste the drip. Slowly from the back of my nose it makes its way down my throat. It has such a sour taste yet its feel is so sweet. It is the assurance that the ultimate high is to come. This is the moment I live for. The moment when I feel reality drift away. I find myself in a place where I am untouchable. No one can hurt me here. For the next hour, two if it’s a good line, I am ruler of my world. Those things people say about me, they don’t hurt. Those hurtful things I say about myself, they don’t hurt me here.

No, this is my place. Here, I can talk to anyone without fearing I will say something wrong. I am alive here and more importantly, I feel worthy to be alive here. When that drip begins its travel, I begin to dream of all I want to be and believe it may happen one day. I imagine being a stewardess for a large airline. I picture myself giving the emergency preparedness speech. I have always wanted to do that. “Please note the exits at the rear (point) mid (point) and front (point) sections of the aircraft….” Yes, I would dream that was me.

Sometimes I am a teacher. 30 little faces looking up at me, soaking up every word I speak to them. I would imagine field trips, showing them the world. Teaching them how to make friends, not to bully and try to explain why there are three ways to spell “two, to and too”. Other times I am just somebody. I could never figure out who that somebody was but I just wanted to make my mark, change someone’s life, make a difference in the world even if in some small way.
But as I come down I realize I am not a stewardess nor a teacher but a coke head. I’m not changing any lives, just ruining my own. No field trips, just the field I sleep in. Bullies are everywhere, it’s a dog eat dog world out here. And the worst part is, the only exit I have is that line, the sour drip, the burning in my nose.

The above was my life for thankfully, a very short time. I knew it wasn’t me. I knew it wasn’t who I wanted to be. My friends were all addicts. I'd look around me and see parents stoned in front of their children. I would see people living off the food bank because their last bill had to be used for snorting. I knew that would have been me had I continued down that path. But I don’t regret that time in my life as it drove me to feel the way I did stoned….sober. I got that glimpse of being carefree. I could feel what it was like to be confident. I had the sense to know I could get that feeling from living life. I didn't know how, but I knew it was out there. And I am there now, without the cocaine. I think I knew one day I could do it. I wouldn’t have fought so hard for a better life otherwise.

I think we are so quick to say that life is out of our control but I know as I look back on my life I realize that most of my ups and downs were a result of choices I made. I controlled my life, even when I thought I had none. I chose to snort. I chose to stop. We chose to live the lives we live.
I hope I am not naive in thinking that drugs are not as prevalent with teens as they were back then. Wow, I talk like back then was so long ago but really just a short 15 years ago. But it seems kids dabble in drugs a little later in their teens as opposed to us kids who were smoking pot at 12. For my sanity’s sake, raising a teenage daughter, I really hope that’s the case.

My Life Series: Depression, The End

I wont go into great detail here but it is something I must talk about it. I don't believe my intention was to end it all, or I am sure I would have done it. I just wanted to sleep, a very long time. After being released I kept refilling my prescriptions even though I was not taking them. Then one night I took them all. I remember being in a police cruiser, the back of it, kicking and screaming. My landlord had called them. This was different, this visit to the hospital. I wasn't admitted to Pshychiatry but to ICU. I woke up to my family in the room and wondered what was going on. What scared me was I could not feel my legs. I had lost feeling from my mid section down. This led to 13 months of therapy before I could stand on my own two feet again. But that was my road to recovery. Quite frankly it scared the shit out of me.

I never went back to the Morris wing. I wanted a better life. I took the scenic route, but I got there. I learned what I could handle and what I could not. I learned my triggers and most importantly, I learned what depression was. I don't think depression ever goes away. I know that I do not handle stress like most do because of my experience with depression. My fear of living that life again is so great that now, I can't feel. My mind doesn't let me go there. If something hurts, I turn it off. No, I don't deal with things that way but I am surviving...and doing so happily so it works for me.

Then I met my husband and I quickly learned to respect my father for all that I put him through. My husband was a victim of circumstance and a shitty childhood that he could not let go. The depression he suffered not only ruined his life but our marriage. No, I will not shun my part in the marriage breakdown but ultimately it was my inability to cater to his depression that did it. One thing we must learn as a society dealing with those suffering from depression is that we cannot enable them. It's either shit, or get off the pot. My husband would do neither so I got off the pot. Or is it, I shit? Either or, I had to leave. He would not help himself, no motivation to live a better life. Because of that he held me back from my life. I had to live his disability and I could do it no longer. I'm still here for him and I still press him to get help but I don't live his life anymore. He gets suicidal, I tell him to do it. Cold? No, not at all. He is looking for attention as I was all those years. I now tell him to get help or don't come crying to me....literally.

Depression is a horrible disease. It's not like a broken bone that is guaranteed to heal in six weeks. We need to talk about it and help those who suffer from it. But we also need to force them to deal with life. Not with hospitals, not with drugs but with a motivation for a better life. It may not kill them in the literal sense but it WILL kill their spirit, and who wants to live without a spirit? It can be beat and there is so much to life after depression. But I also know it will always be a part of me. Depression was my first introduction to myself. It made me aware of who I am and I think was the start of the journey I am on today. It is a marker in my life of a place I never want to go again. It keeps things in perspective for me and I need that.

If you know of someone suffering with depression, befriend them. Be there for them, hug them and lend your ear to them. But don’t be afraid to tell them to shit or get off the pot. Sometimes it’s the push they need to get on with life. As a side note, I have no qualification to professionally give that advice. I just know that I could have been spared a lot of BS many years ago had I had someone there to give me a dose of my own medicine. But then again, I never would have learned how to do a wheelie in a wheel chair either. :P

My life series: Depression Part 2

It was pretty routine, breakfast, meds, lunch, meds, dinner, meds. Day in, day out for 8 months. I opened up a little in that time but not to the staff. It was the patients I was most drawn to…surprisingly many of them just slightly older than myself. They understood what a bad day meant. They didn’t push me to talk. If I wanted to sleep, they let me sleep. But we did talk and I know now just how much I needed their companionship.

There was an older guy in there. His name was Charlie and he was very musically inclined. He’d sing and strum his guitar in the evenings as we all sat in the smoke room. I taped him one day just before I was released. I still have that tape to this day. I will never forget his voice. Then there was the married couple, both of them drug addicts. They came and went throughout my eight months stay. It was them who taught me how to play euchre, a game that became a daily routine…again in the smoke room. They both overdosed together about 10 years later. It could not have been a more perfect ending for them though, they lived and breathed one another in life and I’m sure they are together in death.

Then there was a guy I eventually fell in lust with. I’ve never spoken of him before but he was my crutch for a very long time. His name was Kipp and he lived for red socks. Yes, it was his way of keeping sane. Apparently his social worker once told him, “Go to your room and find something there to live for and think of that item on the days you feel unbearably suicidal”. He chose red socks.

There was a divorced woman whom I grew quite close to. Alcohol and depression were her sentence. I went to school with her youngest daughter. Long story short….she later married my father. There was a young messed up teen Amy. Her sentence was a life sentence. Bad hit of acid and she never came out of the “trip”. Didn’t know her name and always stole my toothbrush. Sad story, hers was. That was and will be her life for ever. Thankfully mine has a happy ending.

It was a different life in there, being isolated from the world. It was safe, no one could hurt me there. If I was feeling things I didn’t want to feel I would tell my doctor and he’d double up my meds. I had control, even when I really didn’t have any. Atleast, I felt like I had control. Months passed me by, months of white walls, waking up in the night to the screams of a new admission. Then I met Crystal. Don’t let the name fool you. On the birth certificate the name really read : “Daniel”. The biggest issue there? Which washroom should it use. Staff agreed that either/or was appropriate. Crystal was the “freak” of the group. You’d think Bob was but no, he was harmless entertainment. Crystal was just plain…..ok, not fair for me to judge.

Crystal would do my nails, fix my hair and tell me wild crazy stories of life on the streets. Crystal was known for “cutting”. Overdosing on Secanol and using a razor blade to slice his/her body. I’ll never forget walking into the washroom to see blood all over the tiled floor, Crystal slumped over the toilet. Scheduled for a sex change, he/she was in the midst of gender transformation. Very confused, very lost but somehow made me feel so much better about myself.

Then there was Jennifer, who is still my best (and only) true friend from my early years. She and I shared very much a similar childhood so we could relate to one another. Our paths have crossed several times over the years and we still talk atleast monthly. She saved me from myself. I’m not too sure how, but I know she did and I will be forever grateful to her for that. Ok, a little off topic.

I don’t think, even after eight months of being institutionalized I fully understood depression. I knew I hated life, I knew I hated myself but I also knew I’d never have the balls to end it. I was finally released and thought I could put the experience behind me. What I did not think about was what I had to deal with when I went home. Now I was the freak. Of course, the only one in my circle of friends who was certifiably crazy. The gossip of the neighbour hood, the gossip of school and now I found myself totally alienated. I had never thought about what I was missing while I was on the inside. The reality hit me that my life was about to change, and not for the better.

I tried going back to school. Aside from my boyfriend who still held my hand in public, no one would speak to me. I heard them whisper when I walked past them. Friends I had known for years totally alienated me. I never felt so alone. So, it was back to the cemetery. Day, night, next day, next night. I would nap there in the sun. I would eat my lunch there. I was obsessed and quite obviously out of control. My father had me re-admitted after three months of dealing with his rebellious teenager.

Same people, give or take a few. But this stay was not a vacation like the last one. What scared me most was I was comfortable being there. It had become my comfort zone. Again, no one could hurt me there and I didn’t have to feel. Feeling sorry for myself, I spiraled down….way down. Now I was depressed. I cried all day and became quite physically ill. I did become educated though in pharmaceuticals. It was a drug store, a live in drug store. This time there was no therapy. It was all about meds, but they worked. I was numb.

I was eventually allowed day passes. I could walk around the hospital grounds, visit the coffe shop and slowly integrate myself into society. I had a tutor from school who would visit me twice a week to keep me abreast on my studies. Although, I really didn’t care. Long story short….for the next 2.5 years I spent about 6 months in total out of hospital. I was dependant. I needed those white walls to survive. Each time I left, I returned more messed up. Then I tried to end it all.

My life series: Intro

My life series. I am going to venture out a little with my blog. A big part of my writing is for you to get to know me as something more than just an escort. For me to hopefully shed some positive light on escorting by opening up my life for you to see through my eyes. To better understand why I do what I do and how important these experiences are for me. As I reflect on where I was, where I am now and where I hope to be in life I realize that this journey for me started long before escorting. I am just now starting to correlate life events, moments in my time and how they have directly or indirectly paved this road I am traveling. I have given you a bit of insight into the friends and the loves in my life that have profoundly influenced me but have never really painted the whole picture.

Life. We all must deal with general issues in life. These things are not specific to you or I, there is no one that is exempt from these things. Life throws at us issues that we, as a society must face all of the time. I have made a pact with myself to not let these events take over my life. I am learning to own my life, accept my faults in life and in return I find I am gaining control of my life. I have never felt in control before. I have always played the victim, the one that cries “Oh poor me”. The one to always make the claim that no matter where I seem to be, that imaginary black cloud follows.

I have looked real deep lately to see what I do not like about myself. Things that I know I need to change if I am to better my place in life. Things that limit me from going after my dreams or that have impacted my life in a negative way to where it has hindered me from moving forward. Things that can be fixed without surgery of course. And I found that everything I want to change, from the way I think to the way I feel and act, I can relate to a life event or life issue that has made me that way. So I figure, if I can work through or at least better understand my part in those events, perhaps I can move past them and become a better, happier and more grounded person for it.

I will title each blog entry relating to these issues, “Life Series.....(topic)” so that if you are not interested in reading these entries you can skip over the posts. They certainly won’t have the sexual erotica that has come to be expected of my usual writings. Please don’t feel the need to read them, discuss them or give them a second thought. It’s simply a “me” process, moving forward one baby step at a time. If anything, I hope it inspires some of you to do something of the same. If you’re unhappy, don’t accept it….change it. Make a conscious effort to give yourself a better life. Take control, we all deserve that much.

These entries certainly will not replace my usual writing by any means. I need to reflect on Belle’s experiences just as much as I need to reflect on my personal experiences. I hope in my writing, you will find a way to relate at times to the things I am trying to say and if anything, simply continue to respect that there is no right or wrong. I write about my life through my eyes and as most of you have already become aware… eyes tend to be a little clouded over at times.


My Life Series: Depression Part 1

My life series: Depression Part 1

Have you ever been treated for depression? Have you ever had a loved one who has been treated for depression? I think most of you can answer yes to either/or. Depression is finally being talked about. It is being recognized for what it is….a disability. It disables your thinking, your ability to function at times. It damn near killed me as a teen and played a very large part in the breakdown of my marriage. Because it has played a major role in my life, it is something I feel worthy to dedicate a blog entry to.

I was sound asleep in my bed. No, it wasn’t even my bed but it was the bed I slept in for about a year. My father had custody of me, we lived in a motel. It sounds horrible but really, it was alright. We had a kitchenette, it was close to where my younger siblings lived and very near to my friends and school. So I was sleeping, when I heard my father come in fairly late. I was 14 at the time, my first year of high school.

My father was a fire truck chaser. Some of you may have had Dads like this, or are those kind of dads. The ones who listen faithfully to that police radio (although I don’t think this is as easy as it was back then). He’d listen to police chases and when he happened to catch an address for a fire near-by we’d hop in the car and go. It must have been not too long after I drifted off when he came into my room. He mumbled something about a shooting, a 14 year old in our town. I went back to sleep without computing much of what he said.

The next day I caught the bus to school. I skipped first class as I always did and walked to the coffee shop around the corner. I waited for my boyfriend who had a second period spare. There were a group of kids mingling around the doors, some crying and others just looking devastated. The story was that a very good friend of ours and his buddy were playing with a BB gun that our friend was given that night as a birthday gift from his father. The gun accidentally discharged and shot him in the chest. He died instantly. His life ended that night and at that moment I wished mine had too.

I didn’t know what was happening to me. I spent weeks visiting his grave site. I’d read to him, we always wrote poetry together. Times were much different then. From morning to night I would visit with him, I just couldn’t let him go. I had never dealt with death before. I certainly wasn’t doing it now. I’d go to school once or twice a week but I wasn’t really there. Then I lost it. I was in the girl’s washroom. I started to cry and I could not stop. I don’t remember this moment but was told I just began screaming.

The school nurse came in, an ambulance was called and when I arrived at the hospital my father was there. I was admitted to the psychiatric unit for depression. My dad stayed with me for a few hours. I really didn’t know why I was there, but at the time I really didn’t know what had happened at the school. I had totally blacked out. I chalk it up to a mental overload. My mind just shut down, I could not take any more. It sounds crazy, I mean what kind of stress can a 14yr old have? No bills, no car, no pressure. All I know is at the time life didn’t feel so black and white.

So that night I found myself sleeping (a drugged sleep this time) in yet again, a bed that wasn’t mine but became my place of rest for the next eight months. This is when I learned what depression was all about. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. A doctor visited me every day to order a new set of medications that were to make life more bearable. But the reality was that I was in some horrible place with people much worse off than I have ever been, even at my lowest point. I was surrounded by alcoholics, drug addicts and even a guy named Bob who swore he was Christ. I did have some fun with him. No, not that kind of fun…. sex with God? I could never!

The next eight months was a lot of group therapy and one on one counseling with a social worker. She was so phony, I saw right through her. It was pointless for me to be there but I did learn a lot about life in a short amount of time. I was a phase three which meant I was not allowed my own clothing. Nor was I allowed a razor or any electrical item with a cord. They called it the “suicide watch”. My fun was limited to hiding in closets and under beds when it was time for my 15 minute check-ins by the nursing staff. The rest of my time was spent in the smoking room. Yes, a smoking room dedicated to us on the Morris wing only. Could you imagine 30 psychotics going through nicotine withdrawls? I’m sure it was in their best interests.
My father would visit me every day, as did my boyfriend. What a dating experience that was! Bet noone could ever top that one. But, he stuck by me.

We never talked about why I was in there really. He was just there and it was comforting that he was. Most times I was stoned. It was easier to keep me drugged then to actually work through the issues that brought me there I suppose. I was stubborn. I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to get better. I just wanted to wallow in my own self pity just a while longer. So that I did.