Monday, July 31, 2006

Just what is "love"?

What is “Love” anyway? I know, I am beating a dead horse here but just thought I’d give my personal view on the subject. People will debate this question, women have certainly given it much more thought but it has undoubtedly been on everyone’s mind at some point in their lives. Myself, I do not think there is a right or wrong answer.

I was chatting with a friend this morning. Well, the new high-tech way that very busy close friends talk nowadays….via email, and the subject came up. As a little girl playing with Barbies, love was Ken. The perfect man, looking good no matter where he was and what he wore. He would bend on one knee and kiss my hand and we would drive away together in a shiny sports car. I would look ravishing, my hair flowing in the wind. Somehow, that was love.

Growing up through my teens love was romance. Long walks on the beach, sipping wine by the fire and listening to him tell me everything I wanted to hear. We would have a house and babies and good jobs to take vacations to exotic places. Of course the cost of a mortgage, raising a family and the 300 % hike in gas rates never found its’ way into that dream! I never envisioned just how much work “love” would be. The fights over money, house cleaning and schedules just never seemed to enter my mind, it was all about sweet romance.

As an adult I have learned that for me, love is not an emotion but a state of mind. It is the acceptance of one another whole heartedly. It is not about looking ravishing all of the time but being at your worst and more comfortable than ever with one another. It is not all about the romance, the flutters in your stomach when you kiss. It is about having a real bad day and letting all of that go when you’re together. It’s about admitting your mistakes, making known your flaws and being accepted for all that makes you, you. It is him telling you the things you don’t want to hear and being thankful that he shared those thoughts with you.

To know if you have loved you have to feel heartache. The emptiness and the loneliness. If you have felt that then you have truly loved. Be thankful for that heartache as it shows you are capable of opening up yourself to love. It is a gift to be a part of, no matter how it works out in the end. It is a wonderful place for the mind to be.

Love, as an emotion is an intimidating concept for me. Emotions run deep but they are created by the environment around you, the atmosphere that you are in and combined with the biological make-up of your being. All of these things you have no control over, atmosphere, environment and biology therefore making emotion uncontrollable If I allow myself to believe love to be an emotion then I feel I would have to sympathize for those that kill for love, that a spouse that kills his wife out of jealousy is justified in doing so because emotion is so uncontrollable. Most like to feel that they have no control over who they love and thus consider it an emotion. I believe that you allow yourself to open up to someone. You make that conscious decision to become a part of someone else. You have that control, not the emotion. If we truly had no control over whom we loved society would be even more unstable. We would see fathers and daughters openly loving one another as husband and wife. Same for brothers and sisters, co-workers, neighbors and so forth. Yes, these things do go on but they are not the norm. Why is that? Because we know there are limits, boundaries to who we can love and who we cannot. We have that control. If we have that control then it could not possibly be an emotion because emotion is uncontrollable! See where I am going with this? Ok, it makes sense to me, perhaps not to all of you but just thought I’d share my complex view on this. So just what is love to you?

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Exploiting to succeed? NOT!

In speaking to someone with an interest in the business of escorting I found myself contemplating the many issues surrounding what I do. I was asked to speak of maintaing a personal life as well as running a business. In short our conversation focused around balance. Again, it’s another topic I have written about already so I will not go into more detail there.

But we also discussed why some make it and others do not. Why do I have the clients that I do and just what type of clients are they were questions that were raised. Is it possible to be in this business and not be exploitive? Absolutely!

I enjoy what I do but I do not flaunt it. I am complimented and recommended yet I do not let that overcome me. I am compared to others with great status in this business yet I remain humble. I am respected and for that I am truly thankful.

But those things are not easy to come by. They must be earned, I had to work for all of that. Not that it is not in my nature to give respect where it is due, or to just try to be a good person but there are some things in this business, just as any other that must be learned to be achieved. To learn when to speak up and when to say nothing at all is an essential art to master. There are times to be defensive when you feel you are being wronged. There are times to trust those that see you, to allow them to make their own judgement of you.

There are times to stick up for one another, to fight for what we do and the respect that should come with. Yet there are times to sit back and let others fight their battle, giving them the chance to show their confidence and independence.

To know just who to trust and whom to be leery of. There are some that would jump at the chance to bring you down but who are they? This is a business of some very gifted actors, it is an ability needed to pull this job off at times. But it is an even greater ability to be able to see through that. Knowing people, being able to read them and understand them is a definite asset. An art if you will.

I do believe that you cannot be respected by others unless you respect yourself. And how do you earn that respect before even meeting someone? That is where the work is. Yes, the reviews truly do have a strong presence in this business. I am glad there is such a service out there that allows for a part of me to be displayed before the public. It is a way to speak to those I have not met, a way to have them see that I am respected, confident and a good person. It is not the end all/be all for an escort but it is a great medium.

Pictures say a thousand words. I’m sure you’ve all heard this before and it is so true. I think by the way you display yourself in your pictures gives others a sense of who you are. To be naked is a beautiful thing but to display that in an indecent manner can leave some to question your self respect. As I do believe, you do not need to be exploitive to be successful.

Being pro-active in this business shows your respect for what you do. I support what I do, I wish it were more open and accepted. If I were ashamed to be an escort how could I respect myself for doing what I do not approve of? To say that you do not like this job but do it for money says a lot about how you think of yourself. The sacrifices made are not worth losing your self respect.

So here we are at sacrifices. Another topic we had touched on in our conversation about being respected in this business without being exploitive. We all have morals, lines we do not cross. In this business, being respected is hugely correlated to just how much of yourself you are willing to sacrifice in return for a dollar. You see some ladies out there, anything to please is what they say. Anything to make you happy. It sounds great, really it does but just think about that a moment. Yes, we all want to be pleased and to feel that every measure is being taken to ensure total satisfaction but shouldn’t there still be limits, restrictions?

Many women in this business are willing to sacrifice all that they believe in for the sake of a dollar. I see that as a sign of weakness and insecurity. It is ok to say no, to let others know that there are some things you do not enjoy or make you uncomfortable. A good time can be had by all and yet not involve making sacrifices. I feel it is not my job to give a client everything he asks for but to join him in a mutually satisfying experience. I feel that for him to enjoy, I have to be enjoying too. You can’t fake that each and every time without being called on it.

I do not want to be known as the one that satisfies each and every desire. Nor do I want to be though of as selfless. I have limits and boundaries because I respect myself and I know that I am more respected because of those limitations.

I know that my time in this business will be short lived. I am a realist that way. But I do hope I am able to leave behind a sense of direction for some of the ladies that will come after me. I hope they are able to know of me and others like me and be confident in running their business without being exploitive. Respect yourself and others will respect you.

Bending the rules

The things I wonder yet I know I dare not ask. This business is funny in the way that our relationships are formed. Let’s face it, we are not meeting one another under normal circumstances. Nor are we involved in a relationship that follows a natural course. We have a whole different set of rules here in our world.

While we do not like to consider our visits being part of a “relationship”, it is by all accounts just so, only we do not offer commitment as part of that arrangement. With everyone you meet you form some type of relationship with them, this business is no different. Yes, these relationships are on many different levels depending on the time you spend with someone but from the moment you first meet them a relationship has been formed.

It is by my choice, and a healthy one I think to keep these relationships emotionally distant. I have discussed this in prior blogs so I will not go in-depth with that but to say that even with all brick walls built around me, friendships have still formed.

But even these friendships do not equate to what the outside world would deem “normal”. There is no guidebook to the world of escorting so how do you know where the lines are? How do you be sure to not cross over, to protect others as well as yourself from having to become defensive and protect your personal life from colliding with your “other” life? These friends I have met mean a great deal to me. They know many personal things about my life. They offer advice, support and lend their ear so I can vent when I need to. But yet I do not call them on the phone. We do not meet daily for coffee. We do not do dinners with one another’s family nor do our children play together. By all accounts these are not normal friendships yet I consider them as equally important in my life.

I had recently crossed that line. It sounds crazy I know. Belle, the one that is cold and keeps her personal life at a distance from this business. The one that contracted with herself to not let these two lives collide. It was a different experience for me, yet a very comfortable one. First I have to say that in the time I have spent in this business I have allowed myself to be open to ideas. Criticism, thoughts, experiences…..these are all things that I have willingly accepted from others. Some have really impacted just how I have chosen to run my business. This friend has been just that for me.

Although I have not met with him in a way that I meet most gentlemen in this business, he is still someone that, in the normal course of my day I would not have met in the outside world. I suppose that in inviting him into my personal world would seem odd to most but it just seemed the natural thing to do. He met my children and we spent the day together. It was fun and we all enjoyed his company. It wasn’t about business and that was nice for a change. Sure, we chatted briefly about it but it was more about just hanging out and having a good time with a friend.

Even in my personal life, it is seldom I take time out with friends. I would say that most of my relationships formed outside of this business are that of acquaintances and not friends. I am not sure why that is, perhaps it is just that I have kept myself very family oriented and it is seldom I spend time with friends unless it involves an event where my kids are with me. It was nice to share that with him, to open up just a little, to show that I am just me and this is my life. What a wonderful life it is. So I want to thank him for being willing to share that with me. We had a great time and I hope to do it again.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

My first love

My first love. His name is Sandy and I truly thought I was going to marry him. He had thick black curly hair and a short stalky build. He made me laugh. That’s what I remember most about him, he made me laugh. My childhood wasn’t so great but not to my parent’s fault. They did their best by me but it was difficult none the less. But I had Sandy and he made things okay. We were kids then so it was a matter of holding hands at the park and a quick peck on the cheek every once in awhile. We didn’t know what we were doing then, we were only kids. I know now that we were being friends, learning a life experience that has carried me into my adulthood.

At nine, all I knew was that I would wake up and we’d walk to school together. Life was so simple then. I never questioned what he thought of me or where we would be a year from then. I just knew that each day he would be there. After school it was playing at the park. He would eat at my house, I would eat at his. His family took me on many day trips with them. We would head to Goldstream Park where streams of fish and lush forestry would go on for miles. We would hike up to the train tracks and tape a penny to the tracks. Before we left would retrieve our flattened pennies. It was simple fun.

Moving away from him, 5 years after we had met I experienced my first heartbreak. I was only 10 but I really hurt to know that our friendship was at an end. Sure, my parents told us we could write but it was the first time that Sandy would not be by my side. It is funny that those five years I had never analyzed our friendship. Kids just don’t do that sort of stuff. Relationships are formed, bonds are made and it is not complicated. To be a kid again!

So why is it that as we grow older we make things more complicated for ourselves? We like to assume that we mature as time goes by but really I think we know all that we need to at nine. No, not enough to hold a job or be a parent but just the basic principles of life. Then as we age we distort our knowledge. This “maturity” that we think we now have makes for many challenges in life. We have mastered the art of jealousy. We have created the need for control. We read into one another things that don’t exist. Instead of just accepting each other for who we are we try to change who we are. Sure, maturity is a sign of strength and interpersonal growth but in many ways it is a weakness.

I miss the days of innocence. The days when life was not complicated. The days when everything was so simple. I miss Sandy. I have seen him several times since I moved away. I hopped on a train when I was 14 and spent a week out west. I stayed a few days with him and his family. We went to Goldstream Park. And we put a penny on the tracks. I moved back out west when I was 18. And again we visited the park. We held hands and we kissed. Not that peck on the cheek that it used to be. We spent a lot of time together the few short months that I was there. He in a relationship, I was just getting to know my future husband at the time. But when we were together it was still so simple, uncomplicated. I know we will always share that special bond. As friends, childhood friends. He still calls me every birthday and I his, they are only 4 days apart. In my freezer is still a chocolate rose he gave me when I moved away. Our parents thought it was so cute. I still do.
I can’t stop the world but I can go back in my memories and visit a time that was less complicated. What a wonderful time that was.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Staying Grounded

I walked past her last night and she called me sexy! I walked away with a giddy grin and suddenly felt like a schoolgirl! But what a great feeling to feel so alive. Getting in this business was all about just that for me. Feeling alive again.

I know it sounds crazy as I am quite young, perhaps too young to feel that life is just passing you by. But that is what it had become for me for quite some time, like I was just existing. Life has taken an interesting curve for me. I am experiencing things in my life I never even knew I wanted to experience.

I am coming up on my first year in this business. It was about this time last year that I had started to explore the idea of becoming an escort. How much has changed since then, but in such a positive way. I think I have grown up so much both intellectually and spiritually. Yet I have managed to remain grounded and still appreciate the small things in life.

It sounds so simple to keep yourself grounded but in reality I can see how this business can change the person you were before working in the adult industry. You can see it in a lot of the ladies unfortunately. This business is very flattering so just how do you not let it go to your head? I am lucky that I have met a wonderful group of people in this business. They have treated me so well and yes, they keep me grounded.

It is funny that I find more security in myself within my work than I do in my personal life. You would think it would be the other way around. I have been very forward about me just being me. And that is what you get when you decide to spend time with me. Me. No show that I put on, just me. I feel comfortable to do that here. In my personal life I feel that there is this certain expectation to be a certain way. I am to live up to other people’s views of me and I feel that pressure. As Belle there is no pressure. Perhaps that is because I am so close with those in my personal life. My friends, family and coworkers have come to sum up just how I should be in life and it is very important for me not to let them down. As Belle, I am being summed up and I know that but I feel no pressure because of that. I know that I do not owe anyone anything, I can be me and I am accepted as being just that.

So how do I stay grounded then? Because that is just who I am. I am thankful for being accepted as I am. Sure there are reviews that try to sum up in a paragraph who I am and what could be expected of me but I do not feel any pressure from that. Why? Because I don’t pretend to be something I am not. If you start out trying to be someone else, you have to live up to that persona. You have to try to be that person all of the time. It’s not to say that it’s always a great time being me. I have my days, we all do but I do find a sense of relief that there is a place I can be that allows me to be myself. So when I reply to reviews and I say thanks for a wonderful time I do mean that. You are giving to me so much more that I am able to give to you.

Sunday, July 09, 2006


Fears. We all have them. I don’t care who you are, we all have them. Heights, the dark, thrill rides, spiders and for me…….driving.

I have many fears, fire being one of them. I will never touch a spider nor a mouse. I fear I make the wrong choices as a parent, I fear my kids will make wrong choices as they grow up. I fear many things but driving is beyond a rational fear for me, it is a phobia.

Here is a look into the crazy neurotic side of Belle. It can seem that I am together at the best of times. But put me in a vehicle (especially the highway) and inside I become an emotional wreck.

I was in an accident in ’98. My newly leased van was a write off, I was sandwiched between two other vehicles. I was six months expecting, traveling with my 4 year old daughter and my mother. Luckily my mother only suffered a few broken ribs and my self a fractured sternum. My daughter not a scratch, thank God. I did not like driving prior to the accident, I despised driving after.

To tell you just how much I fear the roads let me tell you how it affects my everyday life. First, I only make right hand turns unless I am at a light. Sounds crazy I know but it’s true. If I am on a side road and no other cars are around, a left may be negotiable. I never reverse unless it is out of my driveway. If I park at Walmart or the grocery store I will find a parking space that I can drive straight through. Even if it is at the very far end of the parking lot, I will not reverse.

Parallel parking? I think I had to do it for my driving test, have never done it since. I will park 5 blocks away if I have to but I will never parallel park. Changing lanes is another no-no for me. I will always be sure to pull into the lane I need to be in immediately and will not change lanes with any other cars around me. Do you have any idea what an inconvenience that is when you’re driving? If I have to make a right turn but I am in the left hand lane I will wait until I get to a light, make a left and turn around so I can go straight to get to the street I needed to turn right on! Now how crazy is that? Here is another example, just last night…….

I had a wonderful 6pm appointment. It was a great day and all was well in the world. I walk out of the hotel being very relaxed, a wonderful smile upon my face. I was running late for this appointment and had to find a parking space quick. I seldom drive myself to appointments because of my fear but I had to go to work right after this one so I drove. I find the only parking space in the hotel lot that is open on a Saturday night. I will deal with the “having to reverse” thing when I leave. Now it is time to leave. Beside me is A Yukon, the other side a Navigator. Behind me is a Windstar. I drive a Transport and the turn radius is terrible. I stand behind my car, light a smoke and evaluate just how I am going to do this. Already my palms start to sweat and my heart races. I finish my smoke and get in the van. I pull out, turning the van to the left. No go so I pull back in. I pull out turning the van to the right. No go so I pull back in. I do this about 6 more times then park and light a smoke. It has now been 20 mins in the parking lot! I call my driver. I chuckle at myself, or my stupidity…not sure which. Cars around me are waiting for me to pull out, there are no spaces left in the lot. I am asked if I am leaving and I sheepishly say “I don’t think so, I may just walk”. My driver sends one of his buddies to unpark my van. Feeling rather embarrassed I thank him and be on my way only 45 minutes after the appointment had ended. But it doesn’t end there! I now realize that the parking lot exit has a coin operated pay booth! No change on me and 3 cars behind me so I can’t back up. The toll is $13.00 so I have to go inside. I get out of my car, lock it up and head to the lobby, the cars behind me surely aren’t impressed! 3 people in line at Front desk, I get a token to get out (front desk sees I am clearly stressed and gives me the token for free) and head back to my van. Cars still waiting and I finally pull out of the parking lot an hour after walking into the lot! I need to get a life!

I am the worst back seat driver but I really should be in the back seat! I have been known to take the wheel from the driver once or twice from a driver that I would be comfortable yelling at! Otherwise I sit and do not talk much. Every second I am in a car I feel like the very next second I will be hit, or hit someone. It is an excruciating fear at all times. My heart races, my palms sweat and at times I can’t even breathe. I have medication I take which brings me to highway driving.

I have never driven a highway and have come to accept that I likely never will. But being a passenger on a highway is much worse for me. I am sure you are thinking it can’t get any worse than my city driving but it does. Any trip on a highway longer than 20 minutes I have to take medication to help alleviate my anxiety. Needless to say I do not leave the city much. My driver knows and understands my fear very well. A trip to Fort Erie is back roads. Anything longer has to be something I force myself to do and must be for a great cause. I can count on both hands the amount of times I have allowed myself to get out of Niagara. 1) A trip to Toronto last December to see Disney on Ice. 2) Several trips to HSBC arena to see my Canadiens play in Buffalo. 3) A visit to Medina US to see Thomas the Tank. 4) Several appointments at McMaster in Hamilton. 5) A few trips to Chantham/Windsor to visit family. That’s it, and neither trips had I been the driver.

I have flown, taken the bus or the train to many places but I avoid the highway at all costs! I hope to someday be rid of this fear as I live with it every minute of ever day. I am not too sure what has driven my fear all this time. I can only summarize that it comes from my lack of trust for others. I know I am a good driver but I do not trust others around me. Maybe that would be a good start to rehabilitating myself, I am not too sure. Yes, I have tried the counseling route for many years. I always seem to get the textbook, “Ok, so just sit in your car in the driveway and familiarize yourself with the car for a week. Then spend a week just turning the car on and letting it run. Then another just driving up and down your driveway….” Blah, blah, blah. So, if any of you have actually overcome an irrational fear please feel free to let me know how you did it. Or, if you find yourself fighting a similar battle I’d love to hear about that too, just tell me I am not going crazy!

Happy thoughts

It’s a beautiful day today. The sun is shining and there is life all around me. I have taken the time today to notice that a few flowers I planted in my new flower bed have now begun to bloom. I didn’t even notice the buds forming. I also noticed just how bad my siding looks. Was it always this dirty? And those eaves troughs, just when did they fill with leaves?

It seems that I have been too busy lately to pay attention to the things closest to me so today is the day to reflect on all that I have been missing. Now let’s get something clear here. I did not say it was a day to do anything about it, just to reflect on it all! While I am in a wonderful mood I would hate to spoil it by actually doing something productive.

There’s a wake boarding competition I’d like to go see today. And after that a smile I need to deliver to a very sweet gentleman. Then I think it will be some more reflecting. I like it when this mood strikes me. A day when nothing really goes wrong, all is right in the world and I just smile. I am usually of a carefree spirit but days like this especially so.

I don’t even think I will make it to the gym today. I go there to relax. I know, you think gym and assume I work out but I don’t. I love the jacuzzi and the sauna. Mostly for relaxation and I just don’t seem to need it today. Maybe a walk along the parkway is in order. An appointment at 6 leaves little time for much else. Not much to say today but that I feel so grateful, to be alive, to be healthy and to be smiling.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Just rambling........

Ok, here is the situation. As you all likely know, this business brought to me my first sexual experience with a woman. It was also my first experience with a threesome. I have written about these experiences and just how incredible they were for me.

I have wondered if those experiences would be so great if it were something I had encountered in my personal life. There are many advantages to being a “professional” when it comes to these sort of things. First of all you do not have the awkwardness that may be there otherwise. When being invited along for a duo call I am expected to act a certain way, do certain things. I am ok with that because I know what is expected of me. There is no “fear of the unknown” when I am visiting on a call. That allows me to relax and enjoy the experience.

Yes, the women I have had the pleasure of working with have been absolutely wonderful with me. They have been fun and playful and I have truly enjoyed myself. But did they like my company? Do they enjoy that sexual experience because they are getting paid to say that they do? I am sure you gents must ponder this question often, especially if you tend to visit with just a select few ladies. I am not experienced enough with women as of yet to know the difference.

Anyways, last night an opportunity presents itself. The gent…..a passionate sexual lover (self proclaimed) and the woman…a completely lesbian lover (I have yet to determine if she enjoys men but do not believe so). I was openly discussing fantasies, sexual ones of course. My fantasy may seem quite boring to some, especially considering the experiences I have shared with all of you. But it is my fantasy none the less. The woman was intrigued and very willingly offered to give me that fantasy. Funny thing is I had never imagined this fantasy to be played out by a woman. Now the gent has a fantasy of his own as he has yet to experience a ménage et trios. Now that I can certainly help him out with!

I know you all are likely wanting to hear this fantasy, I know how you yearn for details. I am sure it will be very disappointing as you will be expecting some amazing story of passion under the stars so I apologize for letting you down. Here it is:

We’re dressed up, quite formal but not evening gown attire. I picture myself in a one piece black pant suit, he is dressed in a relaxed fit suit and tie. (The tie is a must but not sure why). We are kissing in the middle of the room, the sweet aroma of a wonderful home cooked meal fills the room. Wine would be appropriate here but my drink of choice is a fuzzy navel. He is drinking a beer. Why? Because the smell of cognac turns my stomach! Anyways, back to the kissing. It is soft and passionate as we have longed for this moment. We are dressed for a night on the town but have no intentions of leaving this room. I have dressed for his eyes to admire as he has done the same for me.

He checks on our dinner that he has so tenderly prepared. I am still not too sure what dinner will be (I am a terrible cook) but he promises to satisfy my hunger. We retreat to the sofa. Some cuddling while soft music plays in the background. There is no rush tonight. I am at his mercy but a night like this is not to be rushed. We touch. We tease. We fondle. I speak of this often. I love to be teased, to build up to that wonderful moment. For me it is not about having many so-so orgasms but one amazing release. That is what this whole night is about. Through our clothes we grind against one another. I sit so close to him, his arm around me, my head against his side and we sit. I just want to enjoy this moment. The comfort and security that his arm around me gives. Dinner is ready and he leaves me to prepare our table. I lay back on the sofa, rest my head and close my eyes. I am relaxed and calm, so ready for tonight.

We eat a most delicious meal together. He feeds me, I feed him. We talk and we laugh, sharing our thoughts on life. I help him clear the table and we retire to the living area. We dance a very slow dance. I am not focusing on where my feet are (although I really should) but more so I am feeling the heat that we create. The feel of my cheek being pressed against his chest. I can hear his heart beat and his soft mumble of the tune we are swaying to.

We end up unclothed lying on the floor next to the fireplace. We have a chocolate fondue set up. I have never tried fondue before and it seems like the perfect moment to taste such sweetness. We have strawberries and bananas that again we feed to each other. The rest of the night just plays itself out. It’s not so much about the things we do next or how we do them. It is about the passion that I feel, the connection we have made. What makes this fantasy the perfect fantasy is the ending. I fall asleep in his arms.

So back to this opportunity I have been given. It is the fantasy plus one. Not only can I live out mine but I can give him his. This woman has taken quite an interest in me for some time and I am very curious what it would be like to be with her. Belle would jump at such an opportunity so why am I so reserved about it? Is it the fear of my two lives colliding? Maybe the reluctance is just that I am not sure what is expected of me, the fear of the unknown. It is odd to e as I try to convince myself that Belle and I really aren’t all that different in personality. We are, after all, the same person. But if this is so why do I have a hard time allowing myself these experiences in my personal life?

Now pondering this question 24 hrs later I think I may have figured it out. I learned something about myself since yesterday, something that my friends have been telling me for years but I just didn’t get it. My life has always been about others. Pleasing them and living up to their expectations. It sounds like a bad thing but really it isn’t. But there is a down side to all of that. In my quest for pleasing others I have somehow told myself that I do not deserve to be pleased. I know it sounds crazy but I have just always felt that it would be selfish to focus on the things I want in life.

By being Belle I have been able to justify my selfish needs. Yet at the same time I have told myself that it is Belle that can do these things and only Belle. Now I question myself. Is it really so wrong to want these things for myself, to accept the fact that Belle is me as I am her and that our needs are the same? Is it so wrong to let our worlds meet from time to time? Can that be done with the same sort of detachment that Belle has mastered? I thought that maybe by putting my thoughts out there that I would answer my own questions but it seems I am only creating more.

I wonder if any of you feel this conflict in your experiences as hobbiests. Do you act a different way or find that you are a different person within the hobby as opposed to your true nature outside of it? I am curious to hear your thoughts, please share!

No point really to this post as it was just what was on my mind, please excuse my ramblings! Stay tuned tomorrow when the rational Belle returns!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006


Competition. It sounds so negative as I see it in front of me. The word makes me feel uneasy, defensive and perhaps even a bit irritable. I know some will say that competition is healthy but in this business I just don’t see how it is so.

To me, competition only exists when there are two or more beings vying for the same product. So why do women feel that they are in competition with one another when it comes to the escort industry? I do not believe any of us are holding the master product, the key to every man’s innermost desires. We are unique just as the men that we see.

Just how could I possibly benefit from taking down the other ladies in this business to make me look good? Sure, I have personal opinions of a few that are not very favorable. But they are my personal opinions and I do not express those thoughts to anyone within the industry. If anything, to speak in ill terms of another escort could only portray me as insecure, lacking the confidence and maturity that I feel many may find to be my more attractive attributes.

There are many things that some ladies chose to do in this business that I do not agree with. In saying that I mean that their business practices would not be suitable for the way I choose to run my business. But who am I to say what the right or wrong way of doing things would be? I do things the way I do because they work for me. As I have said many times before, I am who I am. I am honest in saying that. Yes, my personality as “Belle” may be a little more outgoing and adventurous than how I am in my personal surroundings but I am still a good person no matter what persona I am wearing.

How do I benefit from saying that I do not need to work with the other ladies? To say that I am better than any of them, that I am so well liked by the gents that I have no need to befriend the ladies would be a very insulting shot to the industry. I have done so well in this business because of the ladies. I have had fun with them, not only while doing business with them but learning from them and about them while bantering on the boards and of course during our frequent meet and greets. I am not wanting to take their business from them but to help them promote their business. If they succeed, I succeed.

These things are an important part of our business. We do need each other and the sooner the others get to understand this concept the sooner it will become a more adventurous and fun industry to be involved in. I am not concerned if a lady works for an agency or is an Independent. There should not be that “line” there. We are all escorts. We are all equal in what we do. Men will argue that some do things better than others but that is what makes this business so beautiful! What would be the point if we all did/acted and looked the same?

It is amazing to me that some of these ladies chose not to attend events that I may be present at. It has been suggested that perhaps they are intimidated by me and I just can’t accept that to be the case. These women I have never met. We have never exchanged even so much as a glace at one another yet they have formed an opinion about me. How is that possible? Now perhaps their young age has something to do with it. Unfortunately it has to be accepted that many ladies in this business are fairly young and have little life experience. They should not be faulted for their innocence, in youth is beauty. But this is an adult industry and sometimes I get the impression that we are frolicking in the school yard. I can put up with a lot of things but ignorance is something I despise. Do not judge me through someone else’s eyes. Do not assume because someone has told you of me that you do not like what I stand for. Do not assume you know me because you have read a few words I have written. Do not put me down because others enjoy my company. I am here to have fun, not to compare numbers. I am here to be personally satisfied, not degraded. I am here to support, not to defend.

So to all of you gents that have your “favorite” ladies out there please encourage them to mingle. Ask them to join us for our meet and greets. Encourage them to meet us online for a chat. Most importantly, ask them to respect themselves and others in the industry! There is enough judgement to be passed when we leave this earth. Let’s put an end to competing against each other and put a little more focus on working with each other!