The dreaded night

I am exhausted as I drag myself off to bed, eagerly anticipating the sleep I am so desperate for. I love my bed, its king sized mattress, down filled comforter and pillows make going to bed a welcoming event after a long day. I swarm myself inside, assuming the usual position of being on my stomach, cradling a king-sized pillow under my left side, left leg half-cocked, right arm tucked under my right side. It is so still outside the window at my head, I hear nothing. I close my eyes….and it begins.

‘Easter is next weekend isn’t it? What do I get the kids? I can’t believe I have yet to do any shopping. A TV for my daughter, maybe I’ll stop by the EBay store tomorrow. My son needs a bike, so does my daughter that wants a TV. Both were stolen last summer, do I spend the money knowing they are still not disciplined enough to keep them stored at the side of the house? The trampoline is falling apart, new netting needed at the very least but the frame has been welded a couple of times….maybe a whole new set?

Easter ’97, walked a few blocks (with my oldest) to Nana’s to wish her a Happy Easter. A brand new bike sitting in the kitchen. She was so excited. How sweet that was, I could not have afforded it, neither could Nana but she did it anyways. I am gong to miss her. No, I can’t go there, I need sleep tonight.

Work tomorrow, where did my two days off go? Wait a minute, is it Friday or Saturday? Whew, still have one more day off. One more day to catch up on laundry. A movie tomorrow night, Horton Hears a Who. I need to spend as much time as I can with the kids. Am I spending enough time with them? Too much time with one and not enough with the others? I got upset with them today over a messy house; I used to be a good mom. But I took them out this morning for breakfast and a tour of the Maple Farm, good moms do those things. We’re going to be okay. If I could only understand my son, if only my love was enough to make him okay. Are we going to be okay? Doctor’s appointment for him Monday morning, thankfully a cancellation came through. More tests, how will he be this time? Will I be leaving with a handful of prescriptions? Will he get the help he needs? Bleach his plunger in the morning; it’s been a week or so. Who would have ever thought Asperger’s? What kind of a name is that anyways? I need sleep……’

And that is my routine….night after night after night. I try the satellite radio, I try turning off my TV. I try the most boring infomercials, I try my Ipod. I try reading, I try a bath. If I have enough energy I even try my pocket rocket, sometimes I have to turn myself down as I’m just not in the mood. The night is so frustrating for me. The daytime seems better, I feel comforted by the sounds of life happening around me. I can sleep when I know people are at work, the neighbor is walking his dog and my kids are in school. The night is terrifying.

I dread the phone call. I know it’s coming and for some reason I fear it more in the still of the night. I dread my thoughts, I can’t turn them off. I lay there and think…and think and think. My thoughts are racing from my grocery list to re-evaluating my pension plan contribution to memories that just come to me out of the blue. There is no escaping my thoughts and I feel like I am driving myself crazy. I just need to sleep. Off to the kitchen; take the dreaded pill that I despise having to take, wishing I had taken it hours ago when I first lay my head down. I grab a glass of water and head to my computer until sleep is inevitable. I’m not going back to the still of the night until I know I will drift off into it. Which is about……now.