Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Dream

I had a dream, the kind of dream where you wake in a total euphoria. The kind of dream that seems so real you can still feel every breath, hear every whisper, taste everything there was to taste as though you are experiencing it first hand. In fact, the feeling so alive; so vivid; so fresh that I could not have imagined having tasted, smelled or heard such beautiful things prior to my dream. It was at the very least, an inspiration.

I don’t know what brought me here, in fact I am not quite sure just where I am but somehow the location seemed irrelevant as did the events surrounding the start of this moment. I am left with the impression that we were led here by sexual desire and that desire alone. Not what one would think of as love affair but simply a sexual experience. We were here to have sex, plain and simple. There was to be no intimacy or obligatory “spending the night over” drama. Just good unplanned sex; plain, simple and good. The opportunity arose and here we were.

I looked into his eyes, perhaps waiting for his approval. It was a moment that if it were to ever happen, now would be that time or it was never meant to be. We sat across from one another in a silent gaze, sharing equally in a defining moment of what would possibly transpire. It was brief, as short as the time it takes one to blink yet so vivid in my memory. In that blink of an eye we shared a conversation in which neither of us spoke.

I told him I wanted to feel his touch and that I was ready, that I would not regret going past this moment. He told me that he too, was ready. He said he was nervous but he knew this is what he wanted, he would not regret going past this moment. We knew it would come to this. We knew that one day we would be ready to experience one another in a way that we had only fantasized about in the past. And in this moment I think we both feared what would become of our lives after this blink yet feared even more what would become of us if we didn’t go there. And then he smiled. I leaned in and closed my eyes.

I never saw his face yet when I closed my eyes I knew I knew him and felt that he knew me too. Not just my name but who I am. I couldn’t relate my connection to him but he somehow made me feel safe. I got the sense that he was not alone, that he had a partner in his life. Perhaps that would explain his fear of going past the blink of an eye. Selfish on my part as I feared for what his life would be after this, and yet what he feared gave me security. As an afterthought, I am quite bothered by this, morally. But alas, there we were. Our lips had met; this was the point of no return. It was no use to worry the consequences of this kiss. It was done in the blink of an eye so with that thought I let any insecurities, any questions or doubt I may have had go.
The kiss. I had never felt anything like it. Nothing in my life has come close to the feeling that that kiss has left with me. Not my first kiss in sixth grade. Not the kiss from my high school sweetheart at our first school dance. Not the kiss I had on my wedding day. There was no emotional attachment to this kiss, no feelings of love or yearning to spend my life with the one who gave this kiss to me. It was a kiss of acceptance; a kiss from someone who knew me for me; someone who did not judge me nor criticize my thoughts; someone that although I could not know of his name, I knew that he knew everything about me. And yet even still, he wanted me. I don’t know how I got all of that from just one kiss, or how it could seem so real and leave me with such an impression. It was so soft, so passionate and yet emotionlessly safe. One would think that would leave a person empty yet I was left feeling so complete.

I don’t remember opening my eyes from that kiss until after we had both reached a most amazing orgasm. Trying to bring back every detail to my consciousness I can still feel his firm hands pressed against my ever-so-small breasts as I leant down to kiss him, grinding my hips into his groin. I can see myself leaning back in extreme pleasure, feeling my legs begin to quiver as I came, and then laying my head in his neck as I recovered. That first kiss was but a fraction of my dream and the sex that had followed that kiss remains just as vivid in my mind. Yet it was his lips against mine; that blink of an eye; his acceptance and sexual desire for me, and mine for him in that very moment that has left me feeling totally and completely euphoric. It wasn’t real and perhaps that was why it was so amazing. The fantasy of something that could never be, or could it?

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