Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Story time

Time to tell you a little story. Grab a coffee, sit back, put your feet up and let me take you back to a time in my life. It’s personal, in fact the most personal I think I have ever been with any of you but since a great many of you have been such a big part of my journey I feel it only fair to share. It has nothing to do with escorting and everything to do with me. Nothing juicy, nothing erotic and for that I apologize but tonight I am simply reflecting. I am going to go back to my late teens. 18 years old and I met a guy. He was so handsome and I was head over heels for him. I was working midnights at Tim Horton’s on Old Island Highway in Victoria B.C.. He was what I dreamed of as a little girl. Tall, handsome and said all of the right things to sweep me off my feet.

I wanted to get married and have kids. That was my dream. I moved in with him and his brother just two weeks after we met. He gave me everything I needed at the time. I needed approval, acceptance, and praise. He showered me with compliments, we had sex twice a day and life was good. I was young and needy. You ladies know what it is like when you are young. You know nothing about life, love, relationships. Everything is so superficial.

Just one month later and I was pregnant. I was happy, elated that I was to have something of my very own. Yes, I looked at my baby as a possession. Someone that needed me, could not survive without me and loved me unconditionally. I was selfish. I wanted that baby for me. I did not try to get pregnant, but I didn’t try to stop it and I was happy. I pictured a “Happy Ever After”, the dream, the fairy tale.

We had a rocky road for several years. I moved back to Niagara and he followed. We set up home and life was still good. Our baby was born and we were a family. I loved becoming a mom. It was the prize, the title, the answer to finding my identity. After five years, the flame was snuffed out. There was no more sex. When I say no more, I mean there was no interest. Yes, I did it to keep him. I needed to hold on to that dream. If I lost him, I lost me. We had more children, beautiful children and I started to find myself in them. I knew I had lost him. But I had to keep that lie for my children. They were now my life, my everything. When they hurt, I died inside. There is no greater pain.

We married seven years after we met. It was a shot gun wedding, but had to do it for my children. The marriage was a final attempt to keep up the lie. Definitely not a reason to get married! Divorce was inevitable from the start but I was willing to accept that I would sacrifice all of me for my children. I would not travel, I would not go back to school, I would not live but for my children. That is what a parent does. I needed to give them that. I felt I belonged with that ring on my finger. I had a place in life. I was always searching for that place. I thought by wearing that ring it at least would appear to others that life was good when it was no longer. I was willing to accept that this was my life and I didn’t look back. I wouldn’t let myself wish things were different, couldn’t think of anything on the outside. This was my box and as long as my kids were happy, I was happy. Perhaps I could believe it myself.

What was supposed to be something to help me find my identity turned out to be something that took my identity away. I was no longer me. I was a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister…I was something to everyone, always a title but never just me. But I was okay with that because I was giving to my children everything they deserved. Those few that knew me enough to figure it out begged me to leave. There was no spark in my eyes. My soul was empty and I was hurting. I cried, I cried and I cried. I cried because I knew it had to end. I knew I had to face my children. I let them down, I failed at giving them the life that I fought so hard to give them. But it was out of my control. Sometimes things happen and there is not a damn thing we can do about it. This was one of those times.

So I sat there with my children and I cried. I tried to be strong, my older ones tried to be strong but in the end we all cried. The next morning and my kids woke to me sitting in the living room. Life was going to be different now, little did I know it would get better. I did not grieve for losing my marriage. I had had years to do that. It was over before it began. For the first time in my life I felt a sense of relief. I was able to start over. I could have cried with my children now but I sat them down and said “This is going to be fun!” If I took on the tone of defeat, they would too. And that would make them what I had been all my life. Needy and always looking for someone to accept them. I refuse to lead them into that life. No, this was going to be a journey for all of us. And thus far it has been a great one. They wake up and go to bed each day smiling. I can’t say they always did that before. And me? Most days I do too.

Timing is everything and I know I was meant to be on this journey right now. I can see outside of the box. I have been able to travel. It sounds so simple to most I assume but for me is exhilarating. It is freedom. To hop on a plane to another land, new experiences, new dreams. Some things that you will see me write about in the next few entries. Truly something that just six months ago I had never thought I would do. I have been learning about life and what I want in mine. I have been learning about myself. Learning that I don’t need someone to accept me, I need to accept me. I don’t need someone to praise me, I need to praise myself. And I do. I praise myself for not giving up and going after what I want in life. I praise myself for being able to give my children the same hopes and dreams.

Do I write this for you to give me praise? Not at all. In fact it is in hopes that someone within the 1,000 hits I get a week to this site is lost within themselves. Victim of circumstance so to speak. I know there is, I have read the emails. There is life and promise within yourself. Just do some searching. It is amazing what lies for you beyond that box!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Belle is venting, duck!

I think I have posted in a previous entry that I just can not be Belle all of the time! She is annoyingly sweet, revoltingly nice to everyone and is so humble I want to puke at times! So I have put Belle away for the night and I am going to vent. I am only human and yes, there are times I just get down right pissed off!

I have spent so much time writing entries about the wonderful side to escorting. The compliments, the friendships, the travels, the sex, the money. Well, here is a dose of the bullshit. The being nice when all you want to say is “Fuck you”. Supporting the women in the industry when you’d love to bring them down. Being attacked in public forum and not wanting to risk your reputation by standing up for yourself. Showering 2-5 times a day, shaving 2x a day. Making sure you are stocked with flavored condoms before you leave the house. Sneaking out of the house to check phone messages, hours on the computer trying to keep up an image when at times you don’t care to be nice.

Working out appointments between dance classes and doctors appointments. Going out in the rain and snow in heels and a see through shirt because you’re not good enough to show up in slacks and a sweater. Listening to guys tell you how great you are only in the hopes of bargaining a discounted rate. Unwarranted advice about how you should run your business, being condemned for not being you….when the “you” they are talking about isn’t even you! Being told how to dress, to wear perfume, to not wear perfume. To wear the black bra, the red panties, the white garter and the grey silk thong all within 5 hours!

Knocking on the door to find he has given you the wrong room number, having to tell guys that I won’t suck their toes and I reserve my urinating for private moments, preferably in a washroom. Having to ask to shower alone, the smell of KW soap, the coldness of crisp sheets in a minus 10 degree room. Smiling on days I just want to cry. Having wild crazy sex when I just want to feel a man’s arms around me. Trying to make everyone happy but feeling you have failed them all. Pretending you have such great control over your life when in reality you are falling apart.

Leaving my pocket rocket behind, leaving my condoms behind. Running late, being lied to by guys that think I don’t know any better. Worrying that I offend my clients, fearing I am not being true to myself. Getting paid to be Belle but knowing that time with just me can’t even be given away for free. Wanting time at the gym to work out and feel good but can barely find the time to eat. Finally get to the gym, renew my membership to realize my credit card is declined. Call to realize I paid $150 and not the $1500 I thought I did last week. Go home, check the bank account to realize I not only underpaid my credit card but my newspaper subscription is good until 2010.

Stopping off at the grocery store to pick up a few “must haves” for dinner, then to an appointment and back home to cook a dinner that you then realize you still didn’t get what you need at the store. Getting dressed at 11 am for an appointment, which shouldn’t be hard save for the fact that since my divorce I haven’t been able to sleep more than an hour at a time. Writing blogs like this when I know I am emotionally motivated and should just go to bed and sleep on it! AAARRRRGGGG!!!! Sweet dreams everyone!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Making love

Making love. It’s a beautiful term. It sounds so romantic and passionate but do you have to be in love with someone to make love with them? I am not one that falls for the sweetness of romance. I don’t allow myself to get caught up in that moment and have it lead to the possibility of undying love but I do enjoy those moments that come as close as I will let it, to making love.

These moments are a rare occurrence for me. Times that I completely let go of my surrounding. I let go of Belle and the show she puts on. I let go of the fact that I am in bed naked with a stranger. I let go of the fact that I am being paid to be there with him. In fact, these moments cause me to feel almost guilty for collecting when I leave. I say almost simply because when I collect I am safe. It is a business transaction and at times like this especially, I need to keep that in perspective.

I met a man recently. A man with a smile that would make any woman melt. His eyes so intense I could feel him looking right through me. A man who, when standing next to me, would make my legs tremble. A man I knew I had to be naked with. He gave to me a fantasy I never knew I yearned for. I suppose I can’t really call it a fantasy because it was not an experience I had dreamed of but if I were to have had a fantasy, this would have been it!

I was at an event recently, an event he was attending as well. It was unrelated to this business but I suppose technically we would not have met if it were not for my connections I have made from within. It was an informal meet which left me plenty of time to spend with him. We had only met hours earlier and I found myself desperately hanging on his every word, my thoughts drifting to visions of him undressing for me. I could feel his breath on my lips when he spoke, even though we were not in a close enough proximity for that to be possible. Damn do I ever love my imagination.

We were to be attending this event for 5 days. Five days of trembling, heart pounding, sweat inducing thoughts. He would be talking of the weather, I would be thinking sex. He would talk about the sights of the city, I would be thinking sex. It was such torture, such wonderful torture. Oxymoron? Perhaps. But I could not stop imagining the two of us, a bed and all of the time in the world.

We would tease each other with words, enticing one another to the point of us both being sure that at some point during this event we would follow through with our desires. It was fun to wake every day and go to sleep every night wanting him, feeling him and just wishing he’d come close enough to me to feel his body against mine. Our third day and he did just that. It was a simple brush of his hand down my arm. Innocent to most but erotic to me. I went to bed that night feeling his touch. It wasn’t much but yet it was everything. I woke up early on the fourth morning of my stay and could hear him sleeping just a few feet from where I stood. I could have likely walked into his room and had my way with him right then and there. I sat at the table and just listened. I closed my eyes and imagined the things I would do to him, the things he would do to me. For one hour I just sat there.

As I heard him stir I headed outside for some fresh air. It was awkward for me. As Belle I have no problem being sexually aggressive. I enjoy being blunt about what I want. I love to walk up to a man and tell him I want him to f*** me. But this was not the place nor the time for Belle. And quite frankly, I am glad she wasn’t there. I liked feeling shy again. I liked the anticipation, the “not knowing” what would or would not happen during our time together. He made me feel like me again and it’s been a long time since I have been able to fully connect with myself that way.

My last night. It was now or never. I knew we’d likely never see each other again. I knew it had to happen. This was something I could not leave without regret and I don’t believe in regrets. I was waiting for him to make that first move. Just like kids in high school, it wouldn’t have been the great experience that it turned out to be if I had made that move. I needed to know that he wanted me like I wanted him. And he indeed wanted me.

He came out wearing jeans, his chest bare. My body trembled and I felt that awkward feeling once again. If I didn’t escape this moment I would have made a fool of myself by acting on impulse. If this was to happen it would be because we wanted it to, not because I threw myself at him. I don’t think I could have him sit across from me and hold a conversation with him. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t even think….aside from thinking how badly I wanted him to touch me, to hold my head against his bare chest and yes, make love to me.

So that brings me back to the term “making love”. I don’t know him aside from what I have learned these past few days. I don’t know his goals in life, his experiences that have lead him to where he is at in his life. He doesn’t know of my fears or my joys in life. We know nothing of one another besides the apparent fact that there is a strong connection that needs to be made tonight. Can we make love without being in love?

I stood to walk outside, my escape from an awkward moment. He took hold of my hand as I passed him and I knew there would be no more waiting. This would be it, the moment I have agonized over since meeting him just a few short hours prior. He led me to his room. This was the first time I had been led by the hand to a man’s bed. It made me want him even more. I didn’t think that would be possible. I undressed and lay myself upon the bed, my naked body writhing in anticipation as I watched him undress. He hovered atop my body and I placed my arms on his chest. I wanted to close my eyes so I could memorize the feel of his skin but his eyes drew me in. There was something in the way he looked at me, something I have not seen in a man’s eyes before. I still am not too sure just what it was but I know I will never forget that moment.

He bent down to kiss me. I had to close my eyes. I didn’t want to be aware of anything around me, be aware of anything but the taste of his tongue, his kiss. We spent the evening fondling each other. I can still feel his hands running up and down my back as I moved my body up and down his. We took our time, we were in no rush. There was no driver waiting for me, no cell phones to go off telling us our time was up. It was just him and I, naked, and all of the time in the world. Yes, the sex was amazing but not for reasons you would think. It wouldn’t have been so wonderful without the smile I would see when I looked down at him. It wouldn’t have been so wonderful without the look in his eyes I would see as I looked up at him. It wouldn’t have been so wonderful if I had made the first move. And it wouldn’t have been so wonderful if I collected at the end. This was not a show. It was just the two of us doing what a man and a woman were meant to do. I left his room feeling safe. Something I didn’t think would be possible. Something I have fought so hard to feel. I let go, I opened myself up, I did not collect and I still felt safe.

So, is it possible to make love without being in love? If making love is being in a place of pure ecstasy and not wanting to be with anyone else in that moment, then yes, we made love. If making love is letting go to the point that you have forgotten how and why you are there, just knowing that you do not want the moment to end, then yes we made love. I don’t love him, he does not love me but I have do doubt we made love that night.

Sunday, January 14, 2007


I’ll be the first to admit that this entry is strictly me thinking out loud. Another entry written out of my usual form yet something I felt I needed to say. Although most of my writings are for you, this one is for me....

Ever say the wrong thing to someone? The one thing that you know after you say it is there is no taking it back. There is no fixing it, no explaining it. It has been said and there is nothing you can do about it. Why do we do things like that to ourselves? As an escort, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes we forget our role we are expected to play out for all of you. This goes back to a few entries ago, making friendships within the business. When does the role of “escort” end and the role of “friend” come into play? How do you differentiate the two and know when it is appropriate to be either/or?

The one thing I love in this business is having others to share this experience with. People to talk to and relate to. To be able to share with others who understand and respect what I do. The one thing I hate in this business is the same thing that I love about this business. Sometimes the roles get crossed and things about the business may be said that can and will offend and hurt others. It just strengthens my wonder if friendships can be made from within. Maybe it should be kept strictly business. Maybe I have no right crossing those lines. Perhaps I should not toggle between the two. Perhaps I should not get too close in a way that I leave myself open to such situations, or to leave any of you open to such situations. Not get too close in a way that leaves me feeling like I do tonight.

My very first post to all of you on the review boards was that I take pleasure in making others happy. That is my gift to all of you, my gift to me as well. I have taken great pride in knowing that in some small way I have made an hour of your day a little brighter, two hours of your day a little brighter and for some every day a little brighter. That is my intent, my pleasure and my job. My job is not to involve myself with any of you in any other way. But I am human and at times I go against my better judgment in search of something more outside of Belle. Now I realize just how selfish that can sometimes be.

Is it possible that I can have amazing sex with you one day then talk about the weather the next day and not have you offended that I do not wish to discuss our encounter? It seems so simple to me but I do not see this world from your eyes. I can keep the two identities separate, I have to…but can you? Yes, I love sex and I love my job but just like any of you, when my job is done…it’s done. Is it wrong that I am not Belle all of the time? Is it wrong to ask of you to respect that?

When I first started out as an escort I had very clear lines. Nothing personal, my time always paid for and I gave nothing of myself personally. It was fun and it was simple. But I needed more, I wanted more. I never expected to meet people whom I would want to give anything more of myself to. For me to be confused by that is okay, but for you to be confused by that is not right. Just how am I to know what you expect of me if you do not tell me? Should I assume that when you strike up a conversation with me you are expecting Belle? Do I have a problem with that if that is what you are expecting? No, absolutely not. But I do have a problem with reading between the lines.

As Belle I try very hard to not assume I am anything but Belle to you. Some seem to get offended if I step outside of Belle, some get offended if I don't. I am good at many things, reading minds is not one of them. I don't play games. I try to be very honest and upfront about who I am and what I am willing to give. I wish some had the respect to do the same.

So in keeping this a short entry tonight just let me say that at any given time you happen to see me, either in person or online please tell me who the **** you’d like to talk to! It would make things so much easier for me. I will know what you expect from me this way and I can be sure not to cross the lines or disappoint you in any way. And to the one who inspired this blog entry, I apologize for being me.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

People watching

Observing people. This is something I love to do when I am out. It doesn’t matter where I am be it work, vacation or just wandering the streets window shopping. I always wonder where their minds are. Where are they headed, where have they just come from? Are they like me and just out for some fresh air or are they frantically searching for that one thing that every store seems to be out of? What is their story? Children? School? Spouse? Kids? None of these things really matter to me, just a part of people watching.

I went for a walk today, finding myself in need of clearing my mind. I went along the parkway for some alone time then found myself peering through store windows and wondering something I had never thought of before. What do these people think of me as they pass by? I have always wondered about others but never gave thought to what they think when they see me. Do they size me up in a similar way? Do I look like I am single or married? Do I look like I am shopping for a birthday gift for my best friend or am I more the tourist type looking for that brand name pair of jeans that fits just right? Judging by my jeans and sweater I’d say the latter is unlikely.

Do they see that I am a mother or do I look like I have yet to find my niche in life? Do they see me as wandering aimlessly or do I appear to have a purpose? Is it obvious that I just needed to get out of the house? I am beyond the years of feeling a need to dress to impress others. Does that mean I have become one of those women who has “let herself go”? My hair is in a pony, yes it’s brushed but I didn’t really fuss before leaving the house. Do they see me as unkempt? Do they see me as holding a well paid professional job or a woman who would accept money for sex? Think they’d ever guess that I do both? I laugh at the thought.

I wonder what it would be like to set up a booth on the corner and ask these people to fill out a quick questionnaire about what they think my story is. Of course I’d hang a sign just above advertising kisses for 25 cents. There are some really cute ones (yes, male and female) out and about this afternoon. I am curious how others on the street perceive me. Would they guess that I went to University? Would they expect that I had dropped out to be a mom? Would they see my struggles? Would they see my triumphs? I do see that in people, or should I say that some people give off such indications. It’s their eyes. Are they bright and open or worn and heavy? I do my best to smile at others as I pass them, whether they return that smile or not says a lot. I do it because you never know just how much someone might need that smile in their life. I may have just made their day. That makes me feel good. Many, I have noticed, return that smile out of obligation. You can tell in their smile if they are happy with themselves.

I tend to just stroll on days like this. I take my time, a sort of sway as I walk. Have you ever watched people as they walk? No, I don’t mean checking out their asses, I mean reading into their walk and trying to figure out their mood by just that. I like watching the ladies that appear confident. Their steps are deliberate and with intent. They know what they want and they are comfortable with who they are. I feel sad for the ones who drag their feet to keep up with their bodies. Their steps are light, their knees too bent. It spells despair to me and I feel for them. Then you have the men that think they are everything and more. Their swaggered form, the thrust of their hips as they walk. I feel sad for these ones too, but I laugh at these guys where I would never do that to the feet draggers.

I try not to judge people by their clothes or their cars. I don’t think those things say anything about the type of person they are. Those things only talk of what society has made them to be. It’s their eyes, their walk, their stature that speaks volumes. Sure, when I am at the clubs or industry events I could likely be pegged as an escort. My eyes, my walk, my body language would all suggest so. But today, just window shopping I would size myself up as being okay. I’m okay with me and the life I have made for myself. That’s all I really want in life, just to be okay and if that is the worst that people perceive me to be then I must be doing alright.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Music and me

Music has always been a big part of my life. I enjoy listening to the radio while I am driving about but I have never had an appreciation for it like I have acquired these past few months. I imagine it has something to do with life experiences. I hear the words now, I can relate to what is being said. It’s not just about a good beat or a song that has a good ring to it. I can feel it. I can close my eyes and be close to it. It sounds corny I suppose but I welcome my connection to it.

I grew up with Country, but not a genre I spent much time listening to until recent years. I find it amazing how that music can change my mood. How I can reflect upon a set of words and feel motivated about life. It can make me smile about my life when there doesn’t seem much to smile for. It can take me to places I have never been. I can see mountains I have never seen before. I can feel love I have never felt before, cry tears I have never let myself cry before. I can see behind my eyelids oceans that stretch for miles. I can picture California on a winter day. I can imagine driving through country roads stopping to take a nap along Shenandoah river. I can be slow dancing in the dark or feel the golden sun in San Francisco. I can be anywhere I want to be, doing anything I want to do. Just turn on the radio and close my eyes.

It’s an escape for me in a way. To stop my own thoughts and live in another’s.. Songs that I have heard for so many years but I have never listened to. Maybe it’s just age. A maturity now that I didn’t have ten years ago, a better understanding of life that I can now relate to the music I listen to. It has been helping me to sort out my life. Thanking God for unanswered prayers, oh the things I prayed for! Yes, a Louisville slugger through the headlights had crossed my mind once or twice. Reba helped me spread my wings or at least gave me the inspiration to do it through her song “Is there life out there?” Music can be very powerful and inspiring if you let it be.

I came across a song that I fell in love with. Funny thing is it’s in Cantonese. A song by Andy Hui that I accidentally downloaded but is the most beautiful song I have ever heard. I lost the download when I reformatted my computer and have yet to find another one but I play it in my mind all of the time. It is not in English yet it makes sense to me. That is the beauty of music.

I live in a world that I cannot open up. I know I have talked of this so much lately but it is something I am so conflicted with. Music lets me feel. I can vent and be angry, I can feel hurt and sad, I can feel like I am on top of the world. I can feel all of that and not have to share it with anyone. I do not have to feel embarrassed by being weak, I do not have to feel ashamed by admitting my failures and I do not have to be knocked down when I’m feeling like I have the world by the b***.

Am I crazy, or do any of you feel a similar connection to music? Most people enjoy it but do you ever listen to it? Do you ever let it take you places you would want to be? I hope you do, even if in some small way. It’s an escape, a get-away. We all need to get away sometimes. It doesn’t take a trip to some far off place, just turn on the radio and close your eyes.

Thursday, January 04, 2007


I had always thought that I have been able to keep a good balance in this business. I have wanted to think that I have remained grounded and kept humble at a time that I could have very easily become egotistical. And then I felt rejection and realized my ego has gotten the better of me.

This business is too easy. Too easy to get what you want without having to lay out the rules. It’s unspoken but it’s understood that the affiliation everyone has with one another in this trade is sex. I don’t have to ask for it, it comes to me. I don’t have to play the games to get it, it comes to me. I don’t have to send signals in hopes of getting some, it simply comes to me. I can get it when I want it and as often as I want it. I get emails every day where people are asking me for it. It is very flattering to feel desired or wanted by someone, even so far as to say almost everyone. So much so that you become detached from reality. That is what this business has done to me. I have become egotistical.

Now a statement like that certainly isn’t in my best interest to disclose, but it is true. I have become accustomed to people talking in praise of me all of the time, putting me on a pedestal that I really deserved to have pulled out from under me. Yes, I have been rejected….this past week has been all about being rejected! But I needed that persecution to remind myself of who I was when this journey started. But damn, could I not have learned such a lesson in a less humiliating way?

I don’t know how you guys do it but I most definitely have a better understanding of what dating is like in the real world. Keep in mind I have been out of the dating scene since I was 18. That means I am 14 years out of the loop and at the rate I’m going it may be another 14 before I find my way in. I just finished a five day prowl to find myself a woman. Not a woman in the business, no. I wanted to just walk into a bar as me and leave with a woman. Simple? …….NOT! While I did manage to get a kiss from one or two I left the bar each night, womanless.

I realized while I was prowling just how lucky I have been. I have been able to live out sexual fantasies in an environment that I have not had to risk jeopardizing my life outside of this business. While I was approaching the women at the bars I could sense their unease. This was their stomping ground so to speak. They were surrounded by friends, known faces, people that could judge them and therefore not allow them to explore sexual taboos. I had almost forgotten what that environment was like. I have spent so much of this past year surrounded by people that accept my sexuality and respect my need for new experiences. It’s not easy to take what I have gained as Belle and apply that outside of the trade, something I am going to have to learn to accept.

I have become accustomed to voicing what I want and how I want it. It has become natural for me to be open about my sexual experiences and being able to share them with everyone. The outside world doesn’t take too well to sexually aggressive women. Something I was reminded of over and over again on my prowl. So now I am faced with with two problems. One, I have to learn how to handle rejection. I don’t take risks in life or open up at times I likely should because I fear rejection. It’s humiliating to put myself on the line and face that possibility. But I also know that if I don’t go after things I want in life I am going to miss out on many great opportunities. So it’s a matter of finding balance, a happy medium where I can comfortably pursue things I want in my life yet have the confidence in me to accept the possibility of rejection. And second, learning how to incorporate Belle into my life. I still cannot be one and the same. Situations that I am uncomfortable or unfamiliar with I automatically shut off and let Belle take over.

While I love her zest for life and her self confidence, her personality just won’t cut it in my world. Not just my world, but the real world. The world outside of this business. Instead of becoming a different person, I have become 2 different people. I need to blend the two into someone I can live with, respect and be proud of. Again, just as I have said many times, it’s a matter of keeping the right balance. Not always an easy thing to do.

So after this week is said and done I find myself unsatisfied sexually but I gained more than what an orgasm could have given me. I found myself off the pedestal and back on firm ground, reminding myself that I am just like any other. We’re all looking for that balance in our lives and rejection is something we must be willing to face unless we are willing to just sit back and let life pass us by. I don't want that to be me anymore.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Things to do in 2007

I know you would all like to think I am superficial, after all I am an escort…but I do have a few goals I would like to reach this year that don’t involve sex at all! So feel free to skip past this blog entry as it won’t be as interesting as my last top ten!

I am going to name this year the year of the Farfalle. A symbol of transformation which is really what I am hoping to make this year all about. While 2006 was a paramount year for me in terms of finding myself I am looking forward to this coming year where I can learn how to integrate Belle into my life. I have worked to keep the two lives so separate from one another but I have to wonder why.

Belle has provided me with memories I hope to never forget. I have never had so much fun nor felt so free since I have discovered her. I know I have talked so much of Belle and I like we are separate entities and just now have realized how silly that is. I was making excuses for wanting to experience all that I have. Perhaps I was feeling guilty or ashamed that for once I was doing things for me. If I passed that onus onto Belle I did not have to accept that a part of me was feeling trapped in life. I didn’t want to acknowledge that it’s time for me to risk a little bit of myself. I know what I need in life, I know what I want out of life and now it is just a matter of going after it all in a way that I still feel safe. That is my goal for 2007.

So, here is my list of “Things to Do” in 2007.

1) Build my back deck and fence. Ok, not much of a resolution, more like a chore I guess to some but there is a reason why this is so important to me. I need a deck and I need a fence. Not a want, but a need. I have no idea how to do this. This is a project that I need to do because I will have to ask for help. I have never asked for help, another sign of weakness to me. I am hoping this will be a start to accepting that while I may find a way to do things on my own, I don’t have to.

2) Drive on the highway. This one scares the hell out of me but I have to rid my life of so many restrictions. This one small thing is holding me back from so much and I know if I were to overcome this fear it will help me to have confidence in my ability to do the impossible. That when I am faced with something in life that seems intimidating I know I have it in me to get through it. We all need that reassurance, don’t we?

3) Submit a piece of my writing to a publisher of some sort. This is something I have always wanted to do. I love to write, it is the only way I know how to express myself and while I hope that changes this year I want to go after my dream.

4) Tell someone who I truly care about that I truly care about them. Sounds so simple but it rates right up there with “next to impossible” for me. I can write it, but I can’t say it. I lost 14 years of my life because I couldn’t say it, I’m not about to risk losing another 14.

5) Dream. It has always seemed so childish to me to lay in bed and dream of things that will likely never come to be. But what is the harm in reaching for the stars? I want to imagine myself being in places I will likely never travel doing things I will likely never have the neve to do. I figure if I dream hard enough I may just go after some of those things.

6) Let go. Let go of everything holding me back. I have let my past haunt me long enough and now I need to accept it for what it is and move on. I have been so hard on myself for things I have done and the person I used to be. I know I cannot move forward if I don’t let go.

7) Travel. Again, not to exotic places but places that will open my eyes to all the world has to offer. I have spent so much of my life looking at the world through my living room window. I know there is so much beyond that, now I am ready to see it.

8) Disney World…again! But it will be a different vacation as I want to do this with friends. I will be going later in the year with my children but I want to spend a few days there to be a kid myself. To run from ride to ride, meet all of my favorite characters and maybe even do a little shopping!

9) Let others in. I have been working on this through the end of 2006 but I know I have a long way to go. I shut down when I know there is someone standing at my door wanting in. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to share my life and my experiences with people close to me. They can’t get close if I don’t let them.

10) I want to feel butterflies……farfalles. I think this one speaks for itself.