Found my way back.....

I owe you all an apology for not being around much lately. You’ve all been so supportive and I leave you after all you have done for me. Truth is, I’ve had nothing pleasant to say and I was raised with the saying, “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all”. I have been on this emotional rollercoaster and scared to death of where I would end up if and when I ever got off. Funny thing is, I thought if I just keep myself busy, everything will go away…it has worked so well for most things in my life. But this just won’t go away so I have found myself learning something about me. I am human. I can be hurt, no matter how hard I try to protect myself from everyone that could hurt me and that I can’t keep running because eventually it will catch up with me, which it has.

So I am at the bottom, that rock bottom place I was so scared be. There is no denying it, that’s where I am. I can sugar coat it any way I like, telling you I will be okay and this too shall pass but the reality is I’d only be fooling myself. I am naked, staring into the mirror seeing someone I don’t even know. Have you ever been there? To not know who is looking back at you? I see someone old and tired and scared. In an instant, everything I thought I knew about myself was gone.

I am going about my life and I am doing okay, don’t get me wrong. But when I am alone, when it’s just me and my thoughts I am just that, very alone. And then I ask myself how it is that I have never let anyone in so I protect myself from being hurt yet I am hurting so badly and wished I had just one person beside me that I gave my trust to. The good thing to come out of this will hopefully be the realization that I can’t, or should I say don’t have to do this alone.
This is the first time in my life that someone has called to see if I am okay. The first time I have had someone say to me “I’m here just to listen, even if it’s to only hear you cry”. I didn’t realize just how much I have needed that, no matter how vulnerable it made me feel.

I won’t let life keep me down, my nana would never have wanted that for me. But I’m not pushing myself too hard to pick myself up either. I hope I haven’t disappointed any of you, I’m still here and promise to not be such a stranger. I think it’s time I stop feeling sorry for myself and be thankful to have what I do, not mourn for what I don’t. Now if I could just figure out how?