Thursday, December 28, 2006

Here for a good time.......

I am having a moment of weakness. Yes, even I am capable of such. I cannot remember the last time I had a moment like this. Perhaps it stems from this new contract I have made with myself . I know this all seems so recent, my blogs about transition and change but it has been a slow process that I am just now able to share with you. It has been months of contemplating my life . Trying to put it all into perspective, trying to connect my thoughts and my emotions. I have not allowed myself to feel for so long and now that I have given myself the okay to do so, things in my life seem so confusing. It’s not simple, the way my life has been. It’s quite complicated and I am scared to death, to be quite honest.

I am scared because I don’t know what to expect. When you block others out you don’t care. You know life will be predictable. You wake up alone, you go to bed alone. You know next week you will wake up alone, go to bed alone. Next month, you will wake up alone, go to bed alone. The phone doesn’t ring aside from clients, the email box is empty aside from clients and the only thoughts you have are what to pick up for dinner aside from what time your next appointment with a client is. You know what to expect and you don’t care. It’s safe and it’s guaranteed.

The thing is, I have made my life strictly family and business. I have considered anything personal as a sign of weakness. But in reality I have come to see that in fact my fear of getting personal is my true sign of weakness. I do not have the strength in me to take risks, the confidence to rebound if I get hurt or the trust in others to let go. One year ago, even six months ago I couldn’t have cared about those things. Being at my crossroads in life I know I have to accept that my life is changing and I must learn to change with it.

I have learned some things about myself these past few months that I never wanted to know. I know I do not want to be alone the rest of my life. I know I need someone to witness my life….my accomplishments, my failures, my laughter and my tears… yes, I do hope to cry someday. But I also know I want the dream. I want a man that can be honest with me . I want a man who will share his life with me, open up to me and make me feel safe enough to do the same in return. I want a man that shares the same goals in life, the same dreams and wants to travel in the same adventures as I. Is that life in the stars for me, I’m not so sure but I do know that when I m ready, I won’t settle for anything less again.

And then I contemplate this business and its’ effect on my 10 year plan. I know I will have to explain my journey as an escort at some point to a significant other. Will it ever be understood? Will it ever be accepted? It is a big part of my journey to become who I am today and I will never be ashamed of it, just the opposite. But will he be able to understand just how much it has meant to me and be happy for me to have had such wonderful experiences? Do I just start out the first date by telling him what I did before I met him? I can’t hide it, I don’t want to hide it but will I ever find a man willing to accept it?

I never really thought about things like that when I considered escorting. But the reality is that I am proud of Belle. I like feeling the way I do about life as escorting has given me a new outlook so to speak. But it is not who I am, it is what I do. I know in these circles I will always be Belle. There is no escaping that. There is no way to carry on within this group as anything else but. I also know when I am ready to make that break, when Belle has become all that she can be that I must break those circles too. Something that will be very hard to do. Something I am not so sure my heart will be willing to let me do.

I suppose the point I am trying to make in all of this rambling is, will I ever be able to be me again? Belle was supposed to be a compliment to me but I am realizing that she has become me. In some ways this is a blessing, in other ways a curse. There will come a time I need to let her go, is that going to be possible? Will I ever be able to live a “normal” life again? You know, the life where a man asks to kiss me as opposed to assuming I will have sex with him within the first hour of meeting. Normal being where I never accept money for my time yet am able to give it out of my own free will. Normal to the point that a man will not rate the experience with me and share it with hundreds of others but keep it private as it was an intimate time we shared. Normal where my stomach is full of butterflies because I am falling in love with him not because I worry if he is going to hurt me in some way.

I truly wonder if any woman has been able to walk away and never look back. To not have this business creep up on her everywhere she turns. Yes, it is a fun time, a time for learning about one’s self and letting go of your inhibitions but it is not a lifetime. A good time, but not a lifetime. Or is it?

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

My sex resolutions for 2007

New Year’s resolutions are overrated if you ask me! I have decided to put a spin on the term and lighten it up just a little bit. Yes, I will make those usual goals of taking better care of myself and blah, blah, blah but I am going to add to that……..10 places I want to have sex in the new year.

1) I love nature. I want to have sex under the stars. I love the night air, the quietness of world around me. It is peaceful, tranquil and a perfect setting for sex!
2) Ok, so I really love nature! I have to add this one to the above. I want to have sex in a field somewhere. The sun shining, a slight breeze passing over our naked bodies. Not wide open for all to see though. An area secluded enough that we can take our time, relax and enjoy the moment.
3) During a thunderstorm. I am terrified of thunderstorms. I want to lay in the rain and hear the thunder rumble. What a way to get over that fear!
4) It is said that a sauna deprives your brain of oxygen which in turn heightens your senses. This would be a perfect place. The thought of 2 naked slippery bodies in that kind of heat really turns me on. A definite must!
5) The waves are rolling, the boat is swaying. Ever done it on a boat? Want to? I sure do! Especially on the deck, at night during a thunderstorm. Well, maybe not the thunderstorm!
6) Ok, risking my reputation on this one. I have always wanted to visit a swinger’s club. The intrigue of the unknown perhaps but another must-do on my list.
7) Next to a campfire, snuggled in sleeping bags. I love camping and there would be nothing better after a day of hiking and fishing then to relax by the fire and get it on!
8) Not sure if this counts but I’ll add it anyways. Unexpected sex. Can’t say where or when it would be but a situation where I would least expect it and the opportunity arises!
9) Sex on the beach. I hear it’s not all it’s cracked up to be but just the thought of it turns me on.
10) On a living room floor in front of the fire. Yes, that slow intimate sex usually reserved for couples in love. Hey, I can still be a romantic you know!

That’s it….for now. Not an intellectual post by any means but I got real wet thinking it up! Cheers to 2007!

SP of the Year

“SP of the Year”. My newest title, humbling yet not an asset I am about to add to my resume under “Greatest Accopmlishments”! I read the post on the reiview board about a month or so ago that hobbyists were asked to vote for their top 5 service providers in the Niagara Region. I had mixed feelings about this as I worried some feelings would be hurt. And just how do you rate a service provider? What do you base your vote on? Best BJ? Best kisser? Best……you see where I am going with this. I am very humbled by being chosen but for unselfish reasons. I think there is something to be said here, something I have been trying to get out there since Belle was introduced to the industry.

It’s not about the size of her chest. It’s not about her age. It’s not about her young toned body. It’s about the experience that she provides for you. It’s not about taking a few hundred poses spread eagle but leaving something to the imagination. It’s not about being known to do anything she is asked to do but having the class to have limits. It’s not about you enjoying yourself, but her wanting to share the experience with you. It is about being honest, being true to yourself and trying to get back from the clients as much as she gives. It’s about enjoying what she does and keeping the hobby fun.

I know some may see this as just a cute fun little game. Yes, let’s vote for the best **** in town. Let’s humor her ego, make these women feel good and maybe we’ll score a few brownie points with them. And yes, it is cute and fun but it truly means a lot more than that to me. I don’t believe it has anything to do with one service being better than another so much as it is to say that “I get it”. I get what you are looking for, as I am looking for those same things. I understand what our time together represents in your life because it is the same representation in mine. I need this journey in my life right now and I know that many of you need it too.

I need to feel wanted by a man, you need to feel wanted by a woman. I need to be kissed like I am hungered for, you need to feel that hunger as well. I need to be touched, caressed and fondled by a man that can appreciate the passion those moments create, you need to touch and caress and fondle to be a part of that passion. We are in search of the same things in this business and it is only because of that, that I was voted for.

It is not a knock against the other ladies in this business, but a compliment to them. I envy them for not being chosen. They have lives outside of this business that likely give them what I am searching for. They have someone to share that passion with, someone to want them and to need them. They have someone to hold them, kiss them and give to them what I turn to you to get out of life. That is something these ladies should be proud of and thankful for. I can only hope that this time next year it is not me being named as ‘Sp of the year”, that perhaps I may find that one person that can give me everything I am searching for.

The irony in the timing is so very bizarre to me. This Christmas was hard for me. Yes, changes. The part of those changes is my family discovering what I have chosen to do. Escorting is something I worked hard to protect them from. Not to protect me from, but them. I know they could never understand why I do what I do. Sure, they could reason with the money I suppose but they would see escorting as a sacrifice and I know there would be no way to justify the greatness of it all in their eyes. They are hurt, disappointed and have shunned me because of it. It was the start in a riff between them and I. It has snowballed since then with other circumstances but it is what it is and my decisions within this business have cost me a lot as far as family goes. I could have quit. I could have walked away and begged my family for forgiveness but why? I have done nothing wrong and I would begrudging myself if I were to end Belle and all that she stands for.

I am at a time in my life I have to think of me, my wants and needs in life. I can’t sacrifice those things for the sake of someone else, even if it means my family turns their back on me. I have spent my life living for others, doing what is expected of me. This is the first time in my life I have done something for me. And it feels good. I can’t change how they feel about what I do but can only hope they learn to understand it or accept it at the very least.

So being chosen as Sp of the Year means a lot to me tonight. You all get it. You recognize just how much I have put into this business to get out of it what I do. You respect my limits and boundaries, and more importantly you respect my decision to do what I do. You have shown me that I am doing ok, that I am giving you what you need and you are happy to give me what I need. My life demanded that reinforcement. Thank you for the acknowledgement that I am doing things right and that you support my journey wherever it may lead.

Friday, December 22, 2006

My 10 year plan

I am a planner. I plan everything I do. Seldom do things go as planned but I keep planning anyways. I was asked recently where I saw myself in 10 years. It was a simple question but one I didn’t have an answer to. It all comes back to change. Changes in my life that have a huge effect on my 10 year plan. And again I find Belle opening up a lot of doors for me.

My life was set. I decided a very long time ago to put my needs aside for the sake of those that depend on me. I accepted the fact that my life was not my own and that my needs were to be placed on the back burner until a time that my life once again becomes all about me. It was an easy decision really and so that has been me for the past 14 years. I work, I tend to the home and I take care of others. It was cut and dry, a plan that was simple. That is when I stopped searching for answers. I stopped wondering what I wanted out of life. I stopped wishing things were different and accepted them as they were. It made life easy though. I became a coward. I bailed out on life, 14 years of just going through the motions.

I am a strong believer in the adage that everything happens for a reason. I have learned through life’s upsets that you must find the positive in everything thrown your way. And this is where I find myself today. I was not ready for my life to turn around. It was not part of my 10 year plan. But it is what it is. I have no control over it, it is a change I was not prepared for but now I must find the positive. Sure, I could sit here and feel sorry for myself, wishing things were different and not to say that that thought didn’t cross my mind, it’s just not my style. I don’t want to be a coward anymore. I am not going to bail out on life, my life.

So, my 10 year plan. Is it really necessary to have a 10 year plan? For me, yes. I need goals to be set. I am at a time in my life where I feel the need to be working towards something. I am a realist, so my goals would never be unattainable but I do like a challenge. I am ready for that in my life. I need to go after things I never thought I deserved. Go after things I never thought I would want or need, go after things that I envy in others. In doing this I know I will need to take risks along the way. And that will be my first challenge.

In 10 years I want to be strong. I want to be confident in my life, safe and secure. I want to be doing things for me. But how do I get there? How do I stop being a coward and go after what I want in life? I have realized over the past little while that I cannot do it on my own. I look at my life and what I have accomplished in my 32 short years and I pat myself on the back. I am proud for what I have overcome and I can say I did it all on my own. That is a great feeling, to be able to say I did it and I did it all on my own. But I do not have anyone to share that with because I never let anyone help me along the way. What good is a pat on the back when there is noone there to recognize it? Noone to say “I am proud of you”, noone to say “You fought like hell and you made it out on top”. I don’t need anyone to do that for me, but it would be nice to have had someone there to take notice.

So my 10 year plan will involve people. I don’t want to go through life feeling like I do not need anyone anymore. I am not sure just how much I will allow myself to lean on these people but I do hope that by letting them in I will learn to trust. I love to write. In the next 10 years I plan to pursue that dream. I am not expecting to be on the best seller’s list by then, but I do want to go after that dream. Writing this blog has been so much fun. It has been something in my life this past year that has been personally rewarding. I have learned a lot of myself and I want to expand on that. I don’t know where it will take me but I do know I have to find out.

I want to travel. Not necessarily to grand places like Paris necessarily but to go tobogganing in Maine, visit Alcatraz in San Francisco, be a part of a powwow in Montana, see a Habs game in Montreal, climb the tree tops in Costa Rica, ski in the Alps, visit my home town in Sooke, B.C., spend a summer in a motor home touring warm hot places stopping in campgrounds for campfires and hikes through state parks. There is so much out there I want to do and see. Simple, but wondrous things.

It will be a plan that will come together because of Belle. She has opened my eyes to a whole new world. New experiences and a new found zest for life. I feel alive again because of her and while I know her time in this business will be short lived, there will always be that bit of her inside of me, pushing me at times I want to bail and be the driving force behind going after what I want in life.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

"Belle De Jour" rant....

Belle de Jour. Have any of you ever read her books or viewed her blog? The story is this. She claims to be a “High end London Courtesan”. She writes anonymously under the name “Belle De Jour”. There has been quite a controversy over just who she really is. There have been several claims that her true identity has been outted. Some feel she is a 33 year old journalist who resides in the UK, others have the inkling she is actually a “he”, a 42 year old “he” that has been known to write under female names in the past. Both have been known to write in similar style and about similar topics. My view? She is not who or what she claims to be.

I do not make this judgement on a literary basis as I am not a professional author by any means but from one escort reading of another, I have problems with her claim. I suppose “high end” can be described about as many ways as “GFE” could be, its’ definition not written in stone. But to me, to call yourself “A high end courtesan” there should be a high level of self respect, something her writing shows little of.

The way I see it, there are a few classes you will see within the escorting industry. The "entry level” girls are the ones without a voice. They share the same characteristics as the “cash and grab” girls. Anything goes. Do to them what you wish, they will be sure to let you get away with almost anything. Dirty, kinky, sub, dom, roleplay, whatever you desire. Is there something wrong with that? Not necessarily. But there is when she does not enjoy it. When an escort has no limits, no barriers that are not to be crossed, when she sacrifices her morals for the sake of a buck, then there is a problem with that and I would not consider her to be a “high end call girl”.

Could I make a lot more money if I allowed men to perform facials, or to have them demean me by calling me their “bitch, slut or whore”? Absolutely! I turn down calls like this quite often. Because I have limits, lines that are not to be crossed. I do not believe to be good as an escort you have to give to a man’s every whim. But that is just my opinion and I know many will disagree, mostly the men I have turned down!

BDJ (Belle De Jour) continues to write about allowing men to gag her with their penises, talk to her like a whore and treat her in a way I would never think to allow. She then writes about how pathetic these people are, how she can justify these acts with the monetary gain at the end. I just don’t see a high end call girl openly admitting to such lack of self respect. If she enjoyed the acts I would feel differently, but she despises them. Yet she shows up for the next call to do it all again.

She looks at her clients as money and that disturbs me. No, it does not mean escorts don’t think that way as I know the vast majority do. But a high end courtesan, I would think, have a better understanding of the men that participate in the hobby. To ridicule them, just what do you say about yourself? It is frustrating to be a part of this business and constantly feel the need to further define this business. Yes, it can be cold and mechanical but it can also be warm and passionate. When a self described high class courtesan writes a book demeaning the men and demoralizing her profession it angers me as it feeds to the ignorance of society.

But that is what sells. Who wants to read about how escorts help marriages. How we satisfy men in a way (for whatever reason) their wives cannot. Who wants to read that that an escort can actually become a better person because of this business, that she can find herself, gain confidence in herself and learn more of herself than any office job could ever teach her. Who wants to read of the lonely gentlemen that just want someone to talk to, to hold naked in bed. No, that stuff doesn’t sell. People want to read about the kink, the risqué, the fantasies. They want to believe this business is dirty, immoral and sinful. And because of that society will likely never open up to the possibility that this industry may not be so bad after all.

I am not naive, I know what else goes on within this business. I also know that I will never change how society sees girls like me. But it doesn’t stop me from wishing it could be different and it certainly doesn’t stop me from cursing women like “Belle De Jour” who just don’t get it.

Business and Pleasure?

My life. To sum it all up, in case you have not gathered from previous entries, my life has been quite solitary. Do not feel bad for me as I have willingly made my life that way, it has been by choice. But I am beginning to realize just what I have been missing in my life for so many years. I have had many acquaintances and short term friendships but it is just recently, and through this business that I have come to realize just how great friendships are.

I have attended many industry functions in the past year. Review board parties, Christmas parties, Halloween parties, house parties, football events and wine tours. I have always looked at these events as a means of advertising my business. No, I am not selling myself but I am promoting who I am. I try to be on my best behavior (Ok, so I have been a little lax at that lately) but I do try to show that yes, I am just an average everyday, girl- next-door kind of woman who truly enjoys entertaining men. But something has happened along the way, something I never expected to happen in this business. I have made some great friends.

I wasn’t looking to make friends, I wasn’t hoping to become someone’s friend. I wasn’t even feeling deprived with the fact that I have not allowed myself to feel the need for friends. But yet I find myself feeling safe with the fact that I can call some of these people just that, friends. It is amazing really. The fact that we all know so little about one another. We chat online, we send messages back and forth. We ask about the kids even though we do not know their names. We ask about work yet we do not know just where that work is. We ask about vacations, but never discuss who is accompanying their travels. We accept one another for what they are willing to give to us and never ask for anything more that what one is willing to put forth.

But ultimately isn’t that what friendships should be, to accept someone at face value? To enjoy their company, have some laughs and never require more than what they are willing to give? Many outside of our group looking in seem to feel that friendships within this industry are impossible. I do not understand this. Why is it that society thinks what we do as escorts and hobbyists is wrong because it is just sex. Sex should be reserved for people who know one another, for friends. Then you have people who participate in this hobby that feel it should be kept as a strictly sexual relationship, not a friendship.

Perhaps for some it is hard to understand. To have a business relationship that is based on sex yet have a friendship outside of that arrangement seems inconceivable. But it is possible. And I am very thankful for those friendships that have formed. With escorting being such a big part of my life it is great to share that with these friends. Friends who will not judge me for what I do, accept my need for privacy when I cannot give anything more than I do and take joy in my journey with me. I don’t need to know their names or where they live and work. I just need them to take me as I am, and they do.
That is friendship.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Embarassing Moments

The things Escorts won’t tell you!

Being at the top of your game isn’t always easy. Neither is being classy 100% of the time. If she is any good at what she does, you won’t even notice the things I am going to talk about here…..I am not so graceful…….

1) We’re in the midst of passion. Both of us panting, I am laying on my back with one arm above my head. He works his way down between my thighs, his tongue so welcoming. He knows just how I like it, that perfect spot just below my clit. I am getting caught up in the moment, my head moving from side to side trying to control my lower body. I raise my head in hopes of watching him taste
me when I notice my hair has been tangled in my watch. Yes, he is there giving me that amazing tongue lashing and now I am distracted by the knot in my head. I pull my head away from my arm, boy did that hurt. I let out a whimper, that turns him on more. I sway my hips from side to side, up and down to keep him focused on what he is doing….to keep him distracted. I manage to raise my other arm and try to work out the knot. I am only making it worse. I undo my watch, leave it attached to my hair and focus enough to have him get me off. I please him in return (never leave a man unsatisfied!), and head to the bathroom to remove my watch from my hair

2) Condom issues really suck! I’m the professional, I should know how to do this right? Ever try to put a condom on backwards? Ever try to do it backwards with your mouth? Don’t….cause you’ll just look like an ass! I try to put the condom on without using my hands most of the time. Men find this erotic, but I do it this way to draw less attention to the “not-so-natural” feel of the business we are participating in. He’s of “slightly above average” size, anything above average can be difficult to apply this way. It’s a matter of placing the tip in my mouth and putting a lot of pressure with my lips around his head and work it slowly to the base. Usually it can look pretty hot, except when backwards. Yes, I sit with the tip in my mouth and purse my lips. It is giving me a hard time getting started, sometimes the ridge of the rim causes this so I don’t panic. Harder, tighter I barely get the rubber over his head. I work furiously to get it to slide down his shaft. I bring my hands in to help out as I work my head from side to side but finally have to admit defeat. I know I have to remove it and apply a new one. Slowly (and trying to be very erotic as I do this) I begin working it off the ridge of his penis. I straighten up in a better position to grab a new one when I am ready and there it is again…..that damn hair. I somehow managed to entangle a fair amount of hair around his penis and into the condomn! You do not know embarrassment until you have been in a moment like this! I managed to get the condom off of him and separate my hair from him but I had to actually get his help to untangle the condom from my hair! Good thing it was chocolate, it made for a few uneasy jokes while he fixed me up.Ugh, why do I bother? *wink*wink

3) Gifts. I just don’t know how to accept these, literally! He sees me quite regularly, we have a great time together and every once in awhile he will bring me small gifts. Very sweet of him but it embarrasses me every time! We were already undressed, I am on the bed, the sheets are drawn and he announces he has a gift for me. I close my eyes and he places something cold and plastic in my hand. (Get your mind out of the gutter, this is a family blog!) Not realizing how heavy it was as he was still holding on to it partially I was just opening my eyes and trying to sit up. He lets go and before I know it I am covered in dirt! Yes, he brought me a beautiful plant and I was now wearing it and its’ soil over my body! Sounds hot you think? Not! Mud maybe, but soil with white fertilizer rocks…..definitely not! He’s hard, I’m wet and the bed and I are in need of cleaning up! I apologize profusely and head into the shower as he takes care of the bed. Just when I think this cannot get any worse I hop out of the shower, grab a towel and head to the bedroom to see a houseman standing in the room with clean sheets! Me naked, the sheets needing changing (please note the sheets are discolored to possibly lead one to believe that there was a recent trip to the islands) and this is all I could think of. Not much happened that night but a lot of nervous chuckles! Yes, believe it or not he continues to see me!

4) It’s 10 minutes prior to a scheduled appointment. I am running late…I HATE being late. A phone call from a mom that will only call at times like this. Plus I couldn’t figure out what to wear and blah, blah, blah. So yes, I am running late. I make one last stop in my bedroom to grab my heels, grab my coat off the coat stand and dart out the door. My driver scurries me off and I light a smoke. What a crazy day was all I could think. I’m headed to the Niagara Hilton, one hotel I dread as I have to walk right past front desk. Where is Nick? I like seeing Nick, he’s great and never gives us ladies a hard time. Why can’t all hotels have a Nick? I put out my smoke, pop in a cinnamon strip to cover my smoke breath and try to pull myself together to walk into the lobby. I try to look classy, not sleezy and tonight am impressed with my choice of attire, for being pulled together last minute. As I am walking through the lobby I am thinking “I look all right!” Until something just doesn’t feel right. A few more steps and I look down. I realize with horror that I have 2 different heels on! Yes, one left…one right… black and one brown! One ¼ inch heel, One ½ inch heel! I am lopsided walking through the Hilton and past front desk! OMG, I cannot tell you how much I dread this call! I am in the elevator, so are about 7 other people. I still have to make it down the hall and into the room, and then I just may never leave because I have to somehow get back to my driver! I walk in and kiss him right away. Keeping his eyes distracted I keep the kiss going long enough to kick off my shoes and throw my sweater over top of them! Getting out of there? I called the driver to have him meet me at the back door. I took the stairs down, about 12 flights to meet him out back! Boy do I feel like an ass! Can’t dress me up let alone take me out!

5) I think every escort will have a story like this one. You have a “board name”, you have a room number. You knock on the door, he seems happy so you walk in. You wrap your arms around him, give him a kiss and ask him how his night is. “Very good” he replies and then carries on to say he was expecting pizza. No, he did not order a lady to his door, he ordered pizza! Note to self….double check the room number before you knock! He was really great about it though. He had figured his buddies had set him up, he just divorced his wife. I closed the door, we made out for a few minutes, I wished him the best of luck with women in the future and then backed out the door. He just stared at me with a sheepish grin, the door slightly open and watched me knock on the door beside his. I walked in and he was still standing there. I made sure to be extra loud for that hour as I doubt he was eating pizza! Embarrassing at first yes, but this one turned out to be quite fun! I’ve heard of worse, the wife sitting in the other room etc so this one wasn’t so bad at all! I should have left my number behind, he was a great kisser!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Christmas Spirit

I got to thinking tonight. I know, I should really stop that. But tonight there is no Peter Gabrielle and no Icewine so I should get through this one unscathed. Christmas is upon us, creeping up sooner than many care to acknowledge. The holiday season seems to bring mixed emotions to people, depending on where you are at in your life. I have had the chance to talk with a lot of clients recently about their views and what the season holds for them. I almost feel guilty that I am so blessed, but I didn’t start out this holiday season with such high esteem.

It goes back to changes. A lot of changes that have left me in a different place this year. Old traditions must come to an end and it is up to me to create new ones. Change is good, it keeps things refreshing but some things I fight hard to keep the same. Christmas traditions have been one of those things. It has always been about family, catching up, great laughs and bonding. When those bonds have been severed it changes the foundation of such traditions.

I love Christmas, it has grown almost larger than life in my soul. I love the shopping, the music, the lights and the trees. I love the greetings, the smiles, the snow, the giddy feeling I get when I fantasize about Christmas Day. But I am not a fan of unexpected change. When it’s on my terms I am okay with it, but not when it involves something beyond my control. This year I have been reserved, trying to fight that urge to hide under the sheets until it’s over. It’s not like me and I anger at myself for allowing me to let something I have no control over, control me.

It’s self pity, something I don’t give in to often. It’s wasted energy, a useless emotion. It serves no purpose but to self destruct and I have allowed it to become a part of me. I am angry that I have lost so much this year, even more angry that I have depended so much on what I have lost. If I didn’t depend, I wouldn’t pity. It’s that simple. So here it is, Christmas around the corner and I am angry. I am angry and hurt and angry for being angry. Until tonight.

I shared with many people, some not even knowing who I am, pictures of my Christmas tree. It has quite noticeably been decorated by my children and it is the most beautiful tree I have ever seen. And I realized that I was the envy of so many. They were envious that I have kids to share Christmas with. They were envious that my lights were set up, garland hanging from my fireplace mantel. They were envious that that tree would shine bright every night for the next month or so and that I would have my children to share it with every night. They were envious that Christmas morning I will wake to eager children with grins from ear to ear anticipating what Santa had left for them. They were envious of me.

Here I am wallowing in self pity and people are envious of me. I felt guilty, so guilty for not seeing just how lucky I truly am. I have been blessed with a wonderful life. Even with lifelong traditions being broken, I am blessed to be able to make new ones and have my children to share that with. I will not wake Christmas morning alone like so many will. I will enjoy a beautiful home cooked Christmas turkey unlike so many. My children will have many gifts to open, something that is a gift in itself as many children will not have that luxury. I truly am blessed.

So I want to dedicate this blog entry to those of you that will be wanting and needing, this Christmas. Thank you for reminding me just how lucky I really am. Thank you for waking me up and bringing back my Christmas Spirit. I have no reason to pray for me this holiday season but I promise I will pray for all of you. I will pray for love, for happiness and for all of you to be able to have the chance I have this Christmas….to make new traditions.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

I am not a bad girl.....really!

Is it wrong to want things that others may consider improper or dirty? To fantasize about things good girls should never think of? Men dream of two women, something that is quite often realized in this business. What about a woman wanting to be with two men? Most shun at the thought that a woman would find herself excited by that. What about 3 men? Now that’s just sleezy, right? Why is society so quick to accept a man’s sexual desires yet a woman is not entitled have them?

We are in a new generation of equality. Equality in the workforce was a huge breakthrough for the woman’s movement. Women can vote, even hold office. Women can be judges, police officers and firefighters. But women are still stigmatized when it comes to sexual preferences. Yes, lesbians are “out” now which also allows for a greater acceptance for 2 women to be with a man. But we have yet to cross the line with accepting that a woman may fantasize about the pleasure to be experienced when being pleased by multiple men.

Am I dirty because I want to kiss a man and at the same time have another feel just how wet that kiss makes me? I don’t think that should make me a disgraceful part of society but a highly sexual woman who craves new sexual experiences. I am very aware of my body, I know what I like. I think that threatens a lot of women. I will ask for what I enjoy just as I would hope the same from my partner or partners. Sex for me is so much an intellectual journey. It’s in the mind, created through imagination and its’ erotica is so much more heightened when you tap into it. Yes, it is expressed in a physical manner but for me it’s all in letting my mind take me to another place.

I would like to be in a situation where men are wanting me to please them, wanting for me to touch them, to arouse them. Multiple women, multiple men in an environment that is safe to let go of inhibitions. The type of scene where nakedness surrounds me. Not wild and crazy sex but purely passionate exploring, taunting and pleasing. It goes back to my belief that sex is to be shared, admired and respected. Yes, it is wonderful for a man and a woman to make love. It sounds so romantic to say “we just made love”. But making love sounds so personal and intimate. When you say “we just had sex” it sounds so cold and empty. To say “we just had a gang bang” sounds dirty and crude. I want touch, I want lips pressed against mine. I want to totally lose myself in the experience. I want to make them want me, that urge so strong. Their desire my pleasure. Is that so wrong?

I want to pour wine down a man’s chest and taste his sweat mixed within it. I want to grasp on to him and feel his lust for me. I want a woman there to watch us, another man to fondle my nipples. I want to kiss her as I feel them pressed against me. I want to watch him taste her as I bring her nipples to erection. I want him to help me taste myself. To slide his fingers through my thighs and bring them to my lips. We taste together. It’s not crude, it’s not dirty. It’s simply sexual exploration. It’s my ultimate journey, my ultimate destination. I own it, it is mine.

I am young and I am single but I am mature and true to myself. I am at a time in my life that I need to discover me. I need to never look back and wish I had learned to live. I am living now, exploring the world and the people within it. It’s about new experiences, branching out and becoming aware of the beauty and passion we all have hidden somewhere. I want to share it, flaunt it and be close to it. Again, it’s not dirty and it’s not wrong. It’s my fantasy. Someday,……..someday I hope to be a part of it, to feel what it would be like. The music playing, friends sharing drinks and slowly undressing one another. A room full of sexual energy. I know I will, I am sure of that. After all, I have played out each of my fantasies so far!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Phone sex cherry

A simple phone call. That’s how it started out. A friend in my personal life that I have been attracted to for some time now. We have never been intimate with one another, not for lack of me trying. I have done nothing short of beg and plead for a night, an hour, a moment to spend with him alone. He is a man of morals. An old fashioned way about him, he simply cannot be intimate with a woman without the prospect of commitment. Something I cannot give to him. I cannot be intimate with a man without acceptance of what I do, something he cannot give to me. I do believe he respects my decision to do what I do, but it is something that will always keep a physical distance between us. Sure, I knew that telling him of my profession would have that effect on my hopes of us being intimate but I respect him too much to not be honest with him.

We have danced around the issue of sex. It is fun to flirt, to let the mind run wild even when you know it will not lead to where you would like it to. He knows just how bad I want him, I make that very clear but I think he knows I also respect his boundaries. I enjoy talking with him, we have spent over a year now sharing one another’s thoughts. Thoughts on love, life, dreams and desires. I have felt quite connected to him in a way that I seldom connect with people. I do not open up to him as much as I would like to, but that is just me. Again, it’s back to being safe. But I do share a lot with him and we have had some quite deep conversations in the past. He let’s me see life in a different light. We are so opposite in our views on sex and relationships, him wishing to be a little more risqué (in a physical sense) like myself and I wishing to be a little more risqué (in an emotional sense) like him. That’s what is so great about what we have. He is so apart from me in how he sees the world, something that attracts me to him.

I was once him. I once believed that a man and a woman should love one another to be able to make love. I once believed in happily ever after. I once believed in the dream, the "everything". He reminds me of what I used to be. I need him to remind me of a time. A time of hope and innocence. A time of faith in the unknown, a belief in fate. He keeps me in touch with that part of me, something I thought I had lost so long ago. Not so much a part of me that I long to be again but a distant memory of who I used to be. I do not wish to seem as though I am not content with who I am today. I have grown emotionally into something greater than I could have imagined. Through losing that time of hope and innocence I gained self confidence and independence. I am strong and self reliant. Guarded but safe. I need to feel that in my life. But he takes my mind back to that place none-the-less.

My attraction to him stems from just that. Yes, he is visually stimulating to me but as you know the true attraction for me must come from mental stimulus. I must feel a connection of the minds and while we are so different I feel that with him. I have learned to take what he is willing to give me. What is safe for him to give. What he is comfortable with giving. It has been his friendship I value more than what a physical relationship could give me. Although I doubt I will ever stop longing to feel his lips on mine.

Back to the phone call. Tonight I am taking a break. I do this quite often, to gather my thoughts or to not think at all. I bring my computer and check into my favorite hotel room that comes complete with king bed, fireplace and jacuzzi tub. I open the door, take off my heels, knee highs and pants. I open my media player and let the music play. I call him up in hopes that he will be there. I hear his voice and I feel okay. I instantly feel that innocence. We chat about life, as we always do. The conversation leads to sex, as it always does. This is the first night we have ever discussed the reality that physically we could never be together. It’s been a known silent fact since we started this game but this is the first time we had verbalized it.

I joke and tease with him about giving up his morals for one night with me in hopes that he knows I would never truly ask that of him. I admire him for standing behind what he believes in. He tells me he is only half dressed and jokingly asks about the toys I brought with me for my night out. I am serious when I tell him I always carry my favorite toy with me. He does not believe me until he hears the vibration against the phone. I don’t joke about such things!

He tells me he could never participate in phone sex. I agree with him on that point. We laugh about the situation you would find yourself in, in such a case. Is the person on the other end of the line really doing what they say they are doing? What if they’re just drinking their coffee and reading the newspaper? Both of us envisioning how awkward it would be to talk about sex in the present tense. Teasing one another yes, but to actually be on the phone and both be stimulating ourselves to the point of orgasm just seems so ridiculous. We both laugh and I ask him if he is really half dressed.

I lay myself on the bed propped up by those wonderfully fluffed hotel pillows. He tells me that in fact he really is only half dressed. I tell him about the mirror across from me as he tells me he is climbing into bed. I think we both know now where this is going. Someplace that only minutes ago we both thought was totally absurd. We both nervously settle into this new experience. How do you have phone sex? I am not one to scream and pant, to whisper dirty sweet nothings. He is not one to even think of what is happening. But somehow through nervous chuckles the line grows silent. I ask him if he is drinking coffee and he assures me he is not. He asks how he is to know that I am not. I put my pocket rocket to the phone. Still unconvinced I let him listen in as I place it between my thighs. He is convinced after hearing that I am indeed wet.

I close my eyes and I can see him. An image I have never seen in its'true form yet I can imagine it to be. Alone in his bed, I picture him with the phone in his hand. Normally when we talk he skips around describing anything sexual in explicit detail. I can tell he is not used to openly discussing sex, nor is he used to someone as sexually aggressive as I am. Tonight I ask him if he is hard and he tells me “very”. One word, it was simple but it said so much. If he were not laying in his bed, alone, and being aroused by what was happening I know him well enough to know that “very” would not have come from him. He was letting go, and I was so exited to be a part of that with him.

My eyes closed, it was silent. But that silence was more erotic than any amount of sexual taunting could be. I could hear his breathing, it was all I could focus on. The more I heard his breaths stagger the more excited I became. The longer the silence the closer to him I felt. I could feel him tense up, I could sense his need to let this happen. I could let myself feel him next to me, the closest I will ever be able to feel him. I broke the silence briefly to tell him how good he felt to me. Our bodies far apart but our minds in the same place. His breaths I could feel, like he were next to me, his harder, mine harder. I listen for him to get there. I know I cannot go there until he does. I need to know that he can let go in a way he never thought was something he could do. I try to contain my breathing. Enough for him to hear my excitement yet shallow enough to let his sounds come to me. I hear him fight to hold back. But he can’t and he is there. That was all I needed to hear. I was so close until that moment when I knew I could wait no more. He kept silent for me. He just listened while I imagined him on top of me. I imagined his head bent down to mine to kiss me as he entered me. He listened while I imagined his arms straddled at my sides, his chest pressed against mine. He listened while I imagined us letting go together, that moment I have thought of so many times in the past year. And then I did too. I let go. With him so far, yet so close I let go.

We didn’t say too much right after. He said it right when he said it felt awkward for a moment. I couldn’t resist a whisper to him, “we just had sex!” “I suppose we did, kinda, sorta….” Was all he said. He’s a thinker, he has to analyze everything until it makes sense. I think we were both somewhat surprised by this experience and I could sense that he was trying to analyze what had just happened. “Don’t think” I begged of him, “just take it to be what it is. We didn’t touch, we didn’t break any rules here. We had phone sex and it was one amazing erotic encounter. It was our first time and I just took your phone sex cherry!”

It sounds so simple. Phone sex. Impersonal, something dirty. But for me it was something so much more. We went somewhere neither of us thought we could go. It wasn’t planned. It was a place we found ourselves going instinctively. I know our minds were in different places, he made his experience his own as I made it mine. It was better than it could ever if we were physically together. That was something we could both give each other and remain within our boundaries. It was safe for him, it was safe for me. The only thing missing…….what I have nicknamed “the sheet syndrome”. Some things just can’t be replaced by an imagination! It was four hours we spent on the phone. More was said in those few short minutes of silence than we had said to one another all night. Sometimes it’s not about what you say but rather what goes unsaid.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

House Tour

House Tour Event

For those of you not aware of this event I’ll fill you in. A board member and good friend came to me with the idea of an overnight event where the guys and the girls get together to relax and have a night of fun. Sounds quite simple but it took a lot of planning. First we had to find a venue. Hotels are old and impersonable. I did manage to find a large vacation home in a perfect setting. Country road, sleeps 20, open concept, huge kitchen and table seating for 12. It was everything we needed and the planning began.

We decided that the invites would have to be those we knew we could have a good time with, trust and be willing to play our games! We figured out the cost of dinner, time with the ladies (2 hrs for each overnighter) and the cost of the rental. Then we sent out the invites.

It is a lot of planning to make these things work. Emails back and forth, confirming the “maybes”, and most importantly…making sure we have ladies to join us! The latter proved to be the most difficult. They guys all committed right away and with a few changes over a couple of weeks we had them confirmed. Then it was the girls. At the final hour we worked it out. Not as flawlessly as we would have liked but sometimes you have no control over these things. Thus our final list of attendees was set.

I had so much fun planning this event. Thinking of games we could play, making creative door signs for our guests and buying prizes that would propose a giggle or two. A candy bra, elephant sized condoms, an orgasmic key chain, a willy warmer, penis gummy bears and edible undies were just a few!

Everyone arrived quite timely, even our surprise guest… the life of every party. With his football chant playing in the background he comes charging through the door and the party had begun. Putting this group of friends together in the way that we did was a guarantee for a good time. No neighbors to worry about, no guests around to offend. It really was a perfect set up.

The drinks were poured. Sitting around the kitchen we worked to prepare a great BBQ steak dinner while we laughed and shared stories. This was an environment that I truly enjoyed being a part of. The guys have become a big part of my life. So many changes I have made as I have grown through this business and it’s them that I owe for who I have become. It was great to be with them all in a setting outside of the usual routine.

To pass the time before dinner we played our first game. All the guys at the table, the rules were simple. 1 cherry in a bowl and filled with whipped cream. Hands behind your back you must find the cherry, eat it and stand with the stem in your mouth. Key word….”Stand”. Our guest of honor was the first with the stem in his mouth but it was his counterpart that actually listened to the rules and stood up! Faces a mess, it was a lot of fun to watch, what good sports!

We all sat down at the huge table for a great dinner. Some of the night’s most interesting conversation was right here! I was stuffed by the time we had to start cleaning up. We played another game, only more interactive this time. The key was to pair up in couples, swap clothes in the laundry room, no lights. Quickest time wins. Talk about hilarious! The girls were safe here and yet again we made asses of the guys! But all in good fun of course.

We spent the evening hours finishing off the jello shots (a first for me), lots of laughs and even fit in some one on one time here and there. One more game was played……several we never got to. This time I asked the ladies (6 I do believe) a few set questions and wrote down their answers. Then I sent each lady into a separate bedroom. I armed the guys with a pen and paper. The idea here was to have 2 minutes to visit with each lady and find out as much as you can about them within that 2 minutes. At the end I asked each of the guys the original questions I asked the ladies…just who learned the most about the ladies?

This was fun to watch. The guys scrambling from room to room each time the boobie whistle blew. Scribbles on their papers, most ineligible and racking their brains for things to ask. Surprisingly, most guys actually did quite well! Maybe they didn’t get the birthdates right or the ladies’ zodiac signs but would you believe they all knew the ladies’ favorite sexual preferences! Imagine that!

Tired out from all of the running around we all retreated back to the kitchen. Slowly our group of ladies dwindled down to me. Me and the guys. My mind running wild, what fun I could have had. I envisioned bubbles in the jaccuuzi tub, body parts everywhere. The master bedroom with more than enough room to accommodate us all. The night creeping to an end and I had to behave. Some fantasies are best left just as that, a fantasy. Good girls don’t think like that and if they do…they sure don’t act like that!

It was a great time with good friends. We learned a lot putting this event together and hope to make the next one run a little smoother. All in all I went to bed with a smile on my face, what more could I have asked for?

Thursday, November 23, 2006

"I" just had sex!

Basic sex. It sounds so boring I know. Why have boring sex when you can have experimental sex. Sex on the couch, the chair, hanging from the rafters……so many ways to try and achieve that ultimate orgasm. It’s fun to experiment, to change things up. So much fun that I almost forgot just how wonderful basic sex is.

Belle has become a very big part of my life the past 14 months. I know I keep coming back to this but it’s a big part of reflecting on who I really am. So much so that my true self has become almost nonexistent. I have lived through her eyes. It has been easier to hide behind them. To put my life aside, to bury my insecurities, to simply pretend I am as she is to you. In doing that I have lost touch with my wants and desires. Yes, Belle has provided me with many great memories…almost surreal ones! But that is not what I am looking for tonight. Tonight I just want to be me, naked with a man. Not Belle, but me.

No, this night Belle was nowhere to be found. For a short time I let myself feel a man against my skin. Not through Belle’s skin but through my own. Something I have not felt since I created Belle. I needed to be a part of something much bigger than what Belle is. I needed to feel me again.

I knew this moment would come. It is something I have planned for quite sometime. I knew who it would be with. I didn’t know when, but I knew who. I did not consider this a mission, something I had to accomplish but I knew if I was to ever have an experience like this, it was him I would have it with. Why did I choose him? I wish I could answer that. He is not someone I would normally pursue. That is not a bad thing at all, but perhaps that made me feel more safe. Someone I know I couldn’t take this experience any further with. Someone I had never been with sexually but felt that I needed to be with. Someone that has not tried to get too personal with me nor shown any interest in me aside from a sexual perspective. But at the same time he is someone that I feel respects me and what I do. He doesn’t look down on me and he is sure of who he is. He isn’t wanting anything more than to live life, laugh and enjoy good times. No commitments, no strings. Just good times.

It was not a performance. It was not about making sure he had the time of his life. It was not with the intention of getting a good review out of it. It was so much more because it was not about Belle. There was no cell phone ringing to remind me of the time. There was no jumping up and getting dressed at the sound of the car outside the door. It was even slightly awkward after as I really did not know what to do. Should I just get up and walk away? It was like my first time all over again, a feeling I am not used to. Of course I’m not used to it….it’s a feeling! But it was a good one.

It was reassuring to know that I can feel. I have not totally lost myself in Belle. We talked about nothing, yet said everything. Most importantly, I opened up. I was honest, no hiding behind Belle. And it felt really good. It was back to the basics. Me. A Man. Naked. And it couldn’t have been any better. Just this once I find myself unable to share with you the details. I want to but I just can't. It was too personal, too intimate for me. Something I just need to keep with me.

So enough of that. I’ve shared with you an insight that I never thought I would here. But I am okay with that because it is who I am. I realize that I do need to open up sometimes and even take a risk once in awhile. I am not living if I am not feeling and I think I’m way too young to not live. So I apologize for rambling this past week and want to say thanks for listening. Your emails and pm’s have been great. You’ve made me smile and more importantly made me realize that even though I have led myself to believe I’m traveling this road alone you’re all there walking it with me. Just another reason why I love what I do!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I hope you dance

Day one of “The softer side of Belle”. While I had posted my most recent email just today, it’s concept began several weeks ago. It is obvious to all of you that I have come to a crossroads in my life. Nothing earth shattering by any means but a challenge none the less. We all run into these bumps in the road, it’s just simply a part of life. What makes you or breaks you is which road you decide to travel.

There is a song I listen to quite often. It keeps me grounded and focused on how I want to live my life. I am not too sure who wrote it but it is sung by Lee Ann Womack. It is a huge part of my life and want to share it with you.

I Hope You Dance (Lee Ann Womack featuring Sons Of The Desert)(Mark D. Sanders/Tia Sillers)

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give fate a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you danceI hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistakeBut it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out Reconsider
Give the heavens above More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance I hope you dance

(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance (Rolling us along)
I hope you dance (Tell me who)
I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
DanceI hope you dance

I like a challenge. I have never been one to settle for the path of least resistance.
Where is the reward in that? I need to feel that I have overcome obstacles and stayed true to myself while doing it. I need to be able to pat myself on the back. I am humble though. I do not care to flaunt my victory. It is mine, I hold it close and use it for inner strength. The reward for me? Knowing I made it when others doubted me. And that is why this crossroads I am at in my life is so difficult. I did not make it,all bets were against me and I did not make it. There is no reward in that.

I will not let that get me down though. I am as determined as I am stubborn. I do not accept defeat but try to learn from it. Where did I fail? When did the table turn and I lost control? What it all boils down to for me? I didn’t let anyone in. I believed so strongly that I don’t need anyone that I pushed everyone away. And here I am, standing bare and stripped of everything I worked so hard to protect. Something I swore could never happen to me if I didn’t let myself feel.

This sounds like a bad thing but really it is not. I have spoken about friendships and how they serve a purpose in our lives. I relate that theory to all of my upsets in life as well. There is a reason for everything. If I do not walk away from all of this without a better understanding of myself then I have truly been defeated. And I won’t take that lying down. And so it was that I realized it is okay to hurt. It is okay to admit when you fear life. And it may even be okay to cry. It is okay to share my thoughts. Not how I think others may want to hear them, but how they really are. I am scared to death to let others in and I know that will not happen overnight but I am going to try.

I have for the first time in many years confided in another. I opened up, spoke of things I have never let leave my lips and not worry about what was thought of me after. It was a relief. It felt good to be open for once. To be able to say “This is who I am and admit that I am not perfect.” And the funny thing was that it was natural and I felt safe doing so. Maybe because I knew I had nothing to lose. I am getting back to the basics.

I am alone by choice, that is how I have made my life be. I rely on me, I count on me and when things get screwed up I can blame only me. It is simple, uncomplicated and predictable. But it’s not living. I want someone to ask me how my day was besides the clerk at the grocery store. I want someone to invite me out for coffee because they want to chat an hour away with me. I want someone to call me up just to say “Have a great sleep, I’ll talk to you tomorrow”. I don’t want love. I have no room in my life for that. I want people, a network, a friend. I want to live my life, not exist within it. Besides, standing bare in front of the world in the middle of November is just way to friggin cold!

Back to the basics

Getting back to the basics. I have written about my fantasies, my wild passionate moments shared with adventurous men and playful women. I have walked you through my firsts in this business and tried to open up to you my life as an escort. I have been honest, sometimes brutally so at the risk of jeopardizing my reputation. I have been blunt at times I felt there was something that needed to be said. I have laid it all out for you to see my world through Belle’s eyes.

Lately, through reading my own words I have begun to learn something about myself as well. It is uncanny how I write to teach you a bit about me and I find myself learning more than I am teaching. Perhaps this blog is more of a journey for myself than it is for your entertainment. Or so it seems to be as of late. It is seldom I allow myself to open up to others. I think that is why I enjoy writing so much. I can express myself without feeling stripped and left standing bare at the end.

What experiences I have been able to be a part of! They have opened me up in a way I never thought would have been possible a year ago. I have been able to let go. Let go of my inhibitions, my worries and my fears and give myself to all of you……physically. In reading my past entries I have been trying to see just what it is I am looking for in life. We’re all searching for that “something”. You know, that thing that you have no idea what it is yet you know when you find it that that it is exactly what you have been looking for. I am not sure if this business will ever give me that but I have come to realize that it is time I try this “feelings” thing everyone talks about.

Now don’t go getting all jittery around me quite yet. I am not saying that I am searching for love or wanting to become attached emotionally as I am just way too independent for that but I do want to feel something. I want to walk out of a room and feel satisfied that I have just made a moment in someone else’s life a little brighter. I want to feel safe to let my guard down, to not be so protective of who I am. I want to feel ok with being who I am and not trying so hard to be something I am not. So how do I do that? I go back to the basics.

The basics are quite simple. A man, a woman, naked. That how all of my experiences start out. That how all of our’s starts out. Sure there may be some clothed foreplay to get things going but the actual sexual experience does not turn intimate for me until we are facing one another naked. This is where I shut down. The reality of it is, without Belle I am lost here. I take Belle out of the picture and I feel exposed, awkward, even embarrassed. This is my first task. How do I get past this? How do I stand there and be comfortable to expose myself. How do I allow myself to be looked at and even accept the possibility that he wants me just as I am.

As much as I have loved Belle’s energy and zest for life I despise her for being what I am not. I praise her for her confidence yet curse her for it too. I am so jealous that I cannot allow myself to be what she has become. It sounds crazy I know as we are one but we are opposite one another. More on that in my next entry.

No matter what happens throughout my journey of expression I figure I can’t lose. What is living life all about if we don’t take the time to really know ourselves and one another. There has to be something more out there, something waiting for me. I’m not too sure what that is but I am sure that when I have found it I will know it.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

A cold night's journey

Night is my enemy. Let me rephrase that. Night is not my enemy save for times I allow myself to just sit and ponder life. I now know why I choose to work midnights. Because I think. Thinking is good when it’s productive. What to make for dinner? Where do I want to be in five years? Which is the quickest route to run my errands? I can handle basic thinking. But night thinking is a hazard to my health. I can walk the streets at night and see the beauty in the night. I can feel the chill in the air, focus on the sounds of cars in the distance and trees swaying, their leaves falling gracefully to the ground. That is peaceful, reassuring and welcoming to me.

I always praise myself for not involving emotion. It is a must to survive in this industry. But I have come to realize that as much as I like to think I am in control of not reaching that emotion, it really has become my way of life. No, it is not just Belle protecting herself. It is me. It is me being scared as hell to feel anything.

I know where this comes from. I know it is my mind’s way of protecting me from the depression I lived through in my younger years. I swore to myself when I finally broke that cycle that I would never, ever fall into those depths again. It was a good vow, or so I thought. That was fifteen years ago I made that pact. And it has been 15 years of not letting people in. Fifteen years of telling my self how cruel the world is. Fifteen years of numbness.

Now, looking back on those 15 years I see just what that numbness has done to me. I have never asked anyone for help. I have never leaned on anyone, because I have never let myself believe I needed anyone. And the cold hard truth at the end of the day? It really sucks. Perhaps not the most literary comment to make but it is what it is. Fifteen years of drilling it into my head that I can only count on me, I make my destiny, I choose what happens in my life. I am in control and if I share that with anyone I give up a piece of that control leaving myself vulnerable.

And in some ways it has worked well for me. Maybe not healthy but it has worked well. It has kept me strong, balanced and predictable. My emotion doesn’t waiver therefore my life stays stable. And I need that stability. What has hurt me though is that I have turned against the world. Instead of allowing myself to feel hurt, I feel anger. Not towards people, just the forces surrounding me. I allow myself to believe that it’s me against the world. And I am determined to win. But I am bitter.

I am at a stage in my life now that I know I need to open those doors, break down a brick or two from that 50 foot wall I have spent 15 years building. But the thing is, I just don’t know how. I am a woman and we tend to be emotional by nature, yet I cannot cry for myself. I can shed tears for my children. But I cannot shed tears for me. I cannot allow myself to feel pity or sorrow. Those are weak emotions and I refuse to let myself feel weak. I cannot admit when I have been defeated, when life has briefly overcome me and I am lost. So I carry on, unemotional, unreachable, unhuman.

We are all faced with life changing events at some point in our existence. For some, it may be something they face quite often. It is a part of life, a crossroads of sorts. Those moments when you know things are upside down and you have to somehow put it all back into place but a different place than before. And by nature we want to escape. I think that is what a lot of this business comes down to and why many participate in it. It’s an escape. It’s an hour, or 2 or more that you are taken away from that confusion.

My mistake has been to let people go, to push them away when I had needed them the most. Those friends that required more from me when I was not preared to give. So I shut them out. Just like that I can blow out the candle and never give them a second thought. I don’t feel a loss, I won’t allow myself to feel it. I just carry on, numb. But those are outsiders. I can handle that. What bothers me is that I do it to family. I just say goodbye and blow out the candle. Some I have not spoken to in years. No hurt. No sense of loss. They just simply become a faint memory with no emotion attached to their relation to me. They put me in a situation to feel, I won’t allow myself to so I snuff them out and walk away. That is cold. How can I be so cold yet have such a passion for life?

But that has been my way of life for so many years. I love people. I love talking about life, I enjoy sharing that passion for life, for each other. Yet I can’t let them get too close. I just can’t. I think I want to sometimes, but shut down before I do. This has nothing to do with sexual relationships but more of just feeling the need to have personal attachment. To feel connected to the world instead of resisting its’ forces.

Does anyone really have the answer though, that key to life? Is it so wrong to live as I do? Why is it people are of the belief that you need to have a support system. You have to open up, express yourself, cry when they feel you should cry. Is it wrong that I do not pity myself? Is it wrong that I choose to be numb as opposed to getting hurt? It keeps me strong and reaffirms my belief in myself. It is my numbness that gets me by when most would fall apart. I don’t want to fall apart. I don’t want to feel needy or dependent on anyone. I don’t want to cry!

Wow, I do believe I just expressed myself! And now I toy with the idea of posting this to my blog. This is exactly what I mean. I usually open up my MS Word program with a purpose, something I want to share with you. Tonight I just opened it up as I was listening to music, something I haven’t done in a very long time. I found myself writing, unscripted. As I reread it I realize how I have written from a different place tonight. But I will post it…….and make a note to myself to never drink Ice Wine again while listening to Peter Gabrielle!

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Journey into the night

This entry is more for my personal reflection than anything. It is not my typical style of writing so be prepared, it is quite long and uneventful.

I am sure if you read my last blog you would have likely figured it wouldn’t be long before I tried something spontaneous. I try at the best of times to challenge myself. If I see a fault, fix it. If I am not happy, make myself happy. And if I feel that I need spontaneity in my life, then do something spontaneous! I spent enough years feeling sorry for myself, wishing my life were different. I try hard now to make my life what I want it to be. The night ahead of me was totally unplanned, unscripted and uneventful yet I learned so much about me.

First, how I came to this idea. Ever see Sleepless in Seattle? Any of you that have had a sappy significant other in the early ‘90’s will likely remember this one. He lives East, she lives West. They fall in love but have never met. The proposition is laid out. I will be here at such and such a place, at such and such a time, on such and such a day. Typical love story. He is there and waits, she finally meets him there and they live happily ever after. So the idea of propositioning someone with “I’ll be here, on this day, at this time…..if you want me” was born. No, not to live happily ever after as I do not believe in fairy tales, but as for great sex…….I will always believe!

Anyways, I knew the possibility of a sexual interlude was not about to happen but I then thought of still showing up…at that place, at that time and seeing what the night had waiting for me. A date with myself. A night of spontaneity. No plans, no maps, no mission save for going on a whim!

I started my journey with a little stress before I walked out the door so I knew I would be fully able to appreciate the journey ahead of me. A quick stop at the drug store to pick up ear muffs and ski gloves, another stop at Timmy’s and I found myself parked at the border. Sporting my winter gear and proudly wearing my Montreal Canadiens jacket I started for my walk across the Rainbow Bridge.

I met an Indian grandmother walking with her grandson. We stopped midway to view the fireworks. They were nothing short of spectacular, the view from here uncomparable. It was loud, you could hear the thunderous effects of the fireworks echoing throughout the gorge. Very intense and a great way to start out the night. The Canadian side has the winter Festival of Lights in full swing. The entire parkway is lit up in beautiful colored lights, the falls glowing with shades of pink and purple. I felt a twinge of Christmas Spirit.

I chatted with the company I had met about the beauty of Canada, their first family vacation from India and Buffalo wings. We entered customs and went our separate ways. I had dreaded walking into customs. How do I explain what I am doing in the USA? Just wandering around? Would they let me in if I didn’t have a place to go? I did end up telling them just that, and added that I’d likely wind up at the casino, they waved me through.

I exited the customs office and in front of me was a sign. No, not the kind sent from some higher being that would lead me on some righteous path but a real sign. It read “Welcome to New York, The Empire State”. Now what to do from here?

I turned left to a parking area just outside of customs. There I saw a hard Rock Café lit up and could faintly hear the music. I figured where there is a Hard Rock, there is life so that’s where I headed. On my left which was across from the restaurant I notices a few plaques and then a few large buildings illuminated by colored strobe lights. I thought I would check it out. I noticed a patrol car driving by so I felt reassured that the area was surveyed by the local police. I began reading the plaques realizing that this was officially a State Park. I have wanted to visit a few during the summer to camp and while you can’t camp at this one it was neat to know I was visiting my first State Park!

I walked around the buildings. It is set back along the gorge yet the walkways are gated. I was hoping to view the falls from the American side but couldn’t figure a way to get closer. Walking back up the pathway I notice a bus shelter. It is covered but open on all sides. It is well lit and right along the road side. I set up home here for the night. Grabbing my pen and paper from my bag I see another patrol car drive by. I begin to wonder if this should make me feel safer or if I should be a little more worried.

I jot down a few notes about my journey thus far. A young couple passed by me with quite a distance between them. Not the hand-holding lovers I was hoping to see. What has happened to the days of a man taking a woman’s hand? Is chivalry really dead? With that thought, my phone rang. It was a good friend of mine checking up with me. We discussed my little situation before I left home and managed to clear my head a little. Hanging up, I was left to just sit there and at first felt a little awkward. My hopes of people watching were soon diminished, there was noone around. The streets were dead save for a car here and there headed home for the night.

A sudden urge struck me just then. I had never considered what I would do in the event I needed a ladies room. I have no idea where to go! I know the casino is close by so I decide that is where I need to be unless I can find a coffee shop before then. It is getting a little chilly so a warm reprieve would be welcoming right now. It doesn’t take long to realize I am not in Kansas any more. I am used to a Tim Horton’s on every street corner. Not here. No coffee shops around but I did find my way to the casino. I passed an Aviation Museum just beside the casino. It looks really interesting, a place I would love to visit on my next trip (In daytime hours for sure!). I looked at my cell, it was about 10:30pm.

The casino was quite busy and after a visit to the ladies room to clean myself up (now I really feel like a vagrant!) I couldn’t resist the urge to try my luck. I spent about 45 minutes trying to beat the bandits but to no avail. My phone rang and I talked for about a half hour in the casino lobby (being told all of the do’s and don’ts) before heading back to my park bench. It’s was getting quite cool out now but I wasn’t feeling the effects too badly. I curled my legs up, grabbed my book and began reading. I’ve been trying to finish this book for quite some time now, hopefully tonight will be the night.

Trying to focus but having a hard time as I notice several cruisers keep circling me. I am getting nervous at the thought of being arrested for vagrancy. Can they even arrest you for such a thing? A couple of hours later one finally stops and I know I am going to have to find a way to sanely describe why I am doing something so insane. The officer asks if I am okay. I explain to him that I am fine and ask if it is okay to be sitting where I am. He has no problem with that but points out the obvious. “It’s 1:11 am, you are a young woman sitting in the freezing cold, in a different country….reading a book”. He had a hard time comprehending why I was there but was happy to know I was okay. He smiled and drove away. Sitting back down with my book all I could think was “Why couldn’t I have spontaneously taken a ski trip for the night, or rented a room and ordered room service?”. I then realize that when I set my mind on doing something, it is seldom something small and mundane. That is who I am and I really just wanted to do something I would never normally do. Something spontaneous.

Getting cool I figured it was time to walk around a bit, check out my surroundings and then head back to the casino to warm up. I played a little more just to get feeling back in my legs. I am freezing yet it feels so good. Go figure! I stopped by the snack sop and picked up 1 hot dog, 1 pasta salad and 1 Mocha. Why a mocha? Cause I have no idea what it is and I’m being spontaneous! I eat my hot dog, toss out the salad (no, not toss the salad!) and add 6 sugar to my mocha. Back to wander the great outdoors! I found a Days Inn and thought of getting a room but decided against it as it’s just too safe, too predictable and they probably don’t have hot tubs anyways. I did notice a Denny’s was located inside so I knew where I’d likely do breakfast.

I found my way back to my bench and took out my pen and paper. A group of teens walked towards me and I began to panic just a little. Nothing to fear though as they walked right past me laughing and joking with one another. I turned to watch them head into the park. Listening to them I think back to my days as a teen. I am saddened that I spent those days so high that I never appreciated walking through the streets at night with friends. It is now 3:30am. I jotted down a few notes to myself and closed my eyes to hear the rumbling of the falls behind me. It was so peaceful and rejuvenating. A great way to clear one’s mind. I stroll some more and end up behind the casino. Not too sure how I had gotten there but feeling the need to make my way back to my bench. Spontaneous, yes….stupid…no.

As I walk across the parking lot leading to the Hard Rock I notice flashing lights. I could turn and run but that would make me look even more suspicious. Problem is the cruisers are directly across from my bench! Now I really feel like a whino, I have claimed a park bench as my own! The van the officers had pulled over was driving away just as I was walking past. The one officer that stopped to chat with me laughed and asked if I was really going back to do some more reading. We chatted about the casino and when they noticed my Canadiens jacket they threatened to escort me back over the border. We did have a good chat and they promised to keep a good eye on me for the rest of the night. I thanked them for being so kind and went back to my bench to write, then read.

I had another call from a good friend.. He did a great job of checking up on me tonight. While taking to him the officer drove by again and waved and not 5 seconds behind him was an ambulance pulling over to me. I thought this was it. They were committing me to the looney bin for evaluation. I was so scared walking up to them but it turns out all they wanted to know was how to see the falls. They were from Virginia. I talked with my buddy until close to 6am. It was still dark and I knew the sun would be up soon. I wanted to watch the sun come up from the rainbow bridge so it was time to hit Denny’s for a bite to eat, some hot tea (yes, you have to specify here if you want hot or cold tea) and to warm up.

I opted for the French toast, bacon and sausage. I am not usually a breakfast eater but I was in a different mode today. I did some more reading until I was finished eating, dressed back up in my gear and headed for the bridge. Now it is here I felt really stupid! When waking over I had to walk through a different exit as the marked exit was under construction. There were signs that directed pedestrians where to go to exit customs and enter USA. Well going back to Canada there were signs for the pedestrian entrance to Canada. I followed only to see the construction.

There was no way in so I turned around by the toll booths and planned on going in that way. I was brave enough to pass a sign that said “No pedestrians beyond this point” but it was the only way to go! I was starting to sweat as I noticed the door with big “No entry” signs on them. I went so far as to grab a door handle but I couldn’t bear to open it. What if it set sirens off and the cavalry came after me? I could see dogs attacking, swat team surrounding me. I was so scared so I walked back to where I started. Surely I had missed a sign somewhere. Nope, no sign. It seems pedestrians are not allowed into Canada. I stood like an idiot in the toll booth lanes wondering what to do. I finally hollered over to a toll booth attendant and he radioed for a customs officer to escort me in the building.

Passing through and on the bridge I stopped at the international boundary line to watch the sun come up. The fog of the night was just lifting off the water, the haze from the slight rain of the night lingered in the air. There was not a car to be seen crossing the bridge so I found it odd when I heard a truck come up behind me and stopped. I turned to see why. It was a customs official lowering the Canadian flag for Remembrance Day. I stood there with my hands at my side facing the flag until it was lowered and he drove away. It was such an honor yet so humbling to be there to see that. It was now 6:39 AM. A perfect salute to my journey into the night.

Thursday, November 09, 2006


I have been spending time lately going back through my journey this past 14months. I have been reading my blog entries and my early posts on the review boards. I am not too sure what I have been looking for except to see what has changed in my life. Where have I grown and when do I hold back. Is there anything I regret? Is there something I need to change? If I could do things differently, would I and if so, what would I do?

I am proud to say I am perfect! Ok, made me laugh as it’s the first thing that came to my mind so I wrote it! In reality, I suppose we could all change some things in our lives. I could have been a little less blunt at times but then I wouldn’t be honest. I could have opened up a little more at times that you can tell I have held back but that would leave me vulnerable. Is there anything I regret? No. I have learned not to regret making mistakes. I appreciate making them as I do my best to learn from them. I never make a choice without thinking it through, weighing the pros and cons and I usually opt in the best interest of others. There……that is one thing I would like to change.

My posts are carefully written, and for the sake of business they must be. I cannot just ramble my thoughts here for all of you to read without considering to some extent how it would affect you, my clients and my readers (or feelers for those of you reading my Braille version!). My life is very predictable and well thought out. No, it doesn’t always go as planned but I always feel the need to keep that predictability. Why?

Why can I not just be spontaneous? Why can I not just “do” without contemplating what I will be doing? Why must I have everything planned in detail as opposed to “just winging it”? I’ve thought a lot about this tonight. Never in my life have I just jumped feet first into something without researching what I would be doing. Yes, I made a wild and crazy choice to become an SP, but it wasn’t without doing my homework. So while I have found myself being more adventurous in my life, I still take no chances. I have never known how to let go that way. But in writing this I think I may have figured out why. It’s all about responsibility.

Somewhere in my messed up little head (yes, it’s very cluttered up there!) I have the notion that spontaneity equals irresponsibility. Rationalizing it right here and now, it doesn’t make any sense, I know. But that is my first reaction when I am contemplating doing something unplanned. If I just do it, I am being irresponsible. I do have responsibilities in my life, we all do. But if I do something spontaneous when all of my responsibilities are taken care of, is that so wrong? (This is where you all shake your heads NO!) I know it’s not, so how do I reprogram my way of thinking?

I want to feel free. Free to make my own decisions without worrying what others may think. Free to do things in my life for me and not for others. Why is it that I feel I do not have that right? I think I may have some searching within to be able to answer that. I do know that I have missed out on many great opportunities by being so practical and I don’t want to watch the train leave the station anymore! Anyone else out there left standing on that platform with me? Or maybe you used to be a train watcher and have learned how to board? Or…anyone with a psychology degree? I think I’m gonna need professional help with this one!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

A day unlike any other!

He opens the door when I arrive. There he stood in a white dress shirt and his boxers. Today is unlike any other day. We usually kiss playfully in between talking about our day as we slowly remove pieces of our clothing. I put my arms around him, my lips upon his and pressed so hard against his body. Yes, we’ve met like this oh so many times before, but today is unlike any other.

He removed my pants, I fumbled to get my shoes off. He tripped over his boxers as they fell around his ankles. We couldn’t be naked with one another fast enough. I wanted to feel his warmth, have him take me in his arms. I ached for his passion on a day my sexual energy was most abundant.

I have spent the past week being teased and taunted by my own thoughts. I can be my own worst enemy. I have been so close to men, kissing them, touching them, teasing them with my flirtatious banter yet it seems so long since I have been naked with one. No, it really hasn’t been that long compared to most average women, but I am certainly not average. I love being in my thirties. I am in my prime and I love how erotic I feel. It is a high to be so full of sexual energy, something I never experienced in my twenties!

We try to talk because that is what we do. We have never been ones to make the other feel that our “relationship” is all about sex. Yes, it’s a wonderful part of what we have but it doesn’t end there. We truly enjoy each other’s company. Today, it’s all about sex! I can’t kiss him hard enough. His lips, his tongue….they are so intoxicating. His eyes capture everything that is happening between us at that very moment. They tell me he lusts for my fingers over his body. He thirsts for my passion and I am not holding back. He has me, all of me right now. He enters me in a way to say that he knows what he wants. Yes, he has all of me, I have nothing left to give. He has my eyes gazed upon his, my hands clenched on his back, my pussy throbbing, it has never been wetter.

It’s not a day like any other. I am not needy today, nor feeling vulnerable or relaxed. I am tense, my entire body tight and waiting for the relief that only an orgasm can give. I need to turn him over. I need to be on top of him, thrusting my hips into him. I have to take the lead, the control this one time. He doesn’t resist. I can’t control my body now. I want to bend down and kiss him yet I want to be propped up enough to look into his eyes. I love to see him tilt his head back and close his eyes. It is only a matter of a few short minutes that I climax. Yes, this is the moment. It should have been that big release I have hungered for. Oh, it was wonderful but it just wasn’t enough.

It has never been that an orgasm wasn’t satisfying for me. I have never cum to find myself not wanting to stop, not even for a second. I had more to give him and I was thankful he saved himself for my next round. I was right back up, bracing myself on his arms, his chest. I leaned down to kiss him and I stopped thrusting for just a minute or two. I wanted to remember just how soft his lips were and the taste of his kiss in this very moment. I can taste him as I write. And then it was time. I wanted to cum with him this time, I love that feeling of letting go together. For us both to reach that ultimate climax simutaneously. It gets me off just to know as I am contracting he is with me in that very same place.
It’s fierce. Not rough but fierce. Fast then slow enough for our lips to meet. Then we speed things up, short quick thrusts. My arms are shaking and I can’t control them so I lay my chest across his and place my head in his neck. He smelled so good. I wrapped my arms under his and up around his shoulders. I would use them as leverage since I seemed to have no control over my body. Fast, quick and hard we blended our bodies together. He barely manages to speak when he tells me he is about to come. That does it for me there. Both of us on the edge and I wanted to take in all of this. His labored breathing, his moans and his whispering voice. Just one more thrust and there we were, together. The orgasm of all orgasms. My entire body shaking uncontrollably. Not just my legs or my arms. No, it was all of me. My entire body was one large contracting muscle. I lay there with my head in his neck, kissing him between my panting breaths. I had to remove my body from his as we chuckled about my trembling.

I laid with my back against the sheets. There was nothing left but the most amazing, peaceful sense of awe. He turns to me and places his hands between my legs to feel my wetness. His hand just slides past my clit and slowly down to my inner thigh. It’s so smooth and silky, and I just lay there. It was a day unlike any other!

Friday, November 03, 2006

This break is torture!

Taking a break has become more of an unwelcome turn of events as opposed to the rejuvenating rest it was meant to be! It has been a week now and I’m getting antsy. I should be feeling more focused yet I seem to be more frazzled. I should be feeling more energy yet I find I am sleeping my days away. I am turning appointments away and then wondering later what the heck I am doing!

Yes, I miss what I do. I miss being touched and being the one to touch. I miss looking into a man’s eyes and seeing his desire for me. That is an addicting feeling, something I now realize has become a need in my life, no longer a want.

So yes, here I sit quite horny. I spent the entire day today tantalizing the idea of sex. And it was yet another erotic adventure that I want to share with you. Sex is so much more for me than the physical act of having sex. It is a play on my emotions, allowing my mind to wander with explicit curiosity. When I anticipate having sex I become very aroused especially when I know I am in a surrounding that sex is not an option. This can be one of two things.

I love to flirt with a man that I know I will never be able to have. A man that is beyond my reach but is still responsive to my advances. It’s the whole “Look but you can’t touch” thing that I find so arousing. A man like a co-worker. You know he is attached to another yet he teases you with his smile from across the room. His eyes flirt with you when they meet yours. You intentionally brush his arm when walking past him or touch his hand as you borrow his pen. This is most enjoyable with someone I would see regularly. It gives me something to look forward to throughout my day. Keeping it light and fun but always letting my thoughts get carried away.

The other is to flirt with a man that I know I may find myself naked with some day (yet never have) but in a surrounding that neither of us are able to be naked. By never being with him before it leaves me with a curiosity of the unknown. I don’t know how his tongue feels against my nipple but I can imagine his touch. I do not know how his body feels pressed against mine, flesh on flesh, but I can imagine the heat we create. I experienced this today and it made me so very wet. It’s having him rub my leg and wishing his hand would work its’ way further up my thigh. It’s kissing him, feeling his wet lips but not taking it to the level of being a deep passionate kiss. It’s gently pressing my body up against his but not giving in to the urge to grind against his groin. It’s all about being in control of that sexual energy physically but allowing your mind to take it to another level. Again, it’s the anticipation. This becomes all about my desire for him. It is not something I share with him, but more something that I savor for myself. I feel more aroused the less I make him aware of where my mind is at.

I consider myself a very sexual person, but for different reasons than what most would consider to be sexual. I do not dress in short skirts and low cut tops. I do not hit on every man that meets my path. Nor do I express myself verbally in such a forward manner that I come across as sexually versed. But I have imagination. I have the gift to feel the heat of a man’s hand through my jeans. I can visualize him making love to me in a way that is so real I could swear I feel his touch. I can look at him, see through his eyes and read what he needs from me. That to me is true sexuality.