Sitting on the fence

Sitting on the fence gives one a beautiful view. You can see the meadows in the valley, the beautiful wildflowers swaying with the wind. You can witness the innocence of children as they chase butterflies through the fields knowing that they don’t truly want to catch one as the fun is in the chase. The colors of the flowers, the beauty of nature, the smells of the grass after a summer rain…it is all in front of you while you sit upon the fence.

I have been sitting on the fence a very long time. I love to see what lies ahead, glimpse beyond the wooden structure to see all that the world has to offer. I sit here and dream of stepping down, feeling the grass beneath my bare feet. I dream of writing a book and then another. I dream of falling in love, of being loved. I dream of travelling and skiing. I dream of what it would be like to chase the butterflies with those children. I dream of a life full of trust and respect and happiness.

I look behind me, to the other side of the fence. My life as it was. It is a swamp. Swampy waters, stingy and unkempt. I can smell the stagnant water, just sitting there. For years and years, the hurt, the lies, the hateful stares just left there to rot at my soul. It is dark and murky. Left behind when I climbed atop my fence is a lifetime of self-worthlessness, but as I sit here I can still smell it, still feel its cold waters against my skin.

I want to join the children chasing butterflies in the meadow. Would I be disturbing them in their game? Would I be imposing on their innocence by bringing to them my uncertainty that so long a time of sitting on the fence has given me? What I am asking is if my desire to seek out the world would be fair to the children if they seem to be happy playing as I watch them from my sturdy perch?.

From where I sit, I cannot fall but neither can I know what it is to run in the meadow. I am content here and I really have nothing to lose by keeping my feet firmly planted but I also know I have nothing to gain either. I have left the murky waters behind but have yet to let the grass touch my feet. It is not for fear that I may fall but that I may disturb the children playing. It seems so selfish to want something for me, to consider going into the meadow and disturbing their happy innocent world. As parents, how do we decide when it is okay to do things for ourselves when those decisions will have such a huge impact on the children?

Belle is my fence. I waded through the murky waters and found what I needed to lift me out to dry land. I have used Belle to give me a glimpse into a world I never knew was out there. A world that could be mine. I have learned what it is like to have friends, to have someone call when they haven’t heard from me in a while. I have learned what it is like to have someone care for me, worry for me and be happy for me. I have felt what it is like to have a man want me. I have learned to love my body and not feel ashamed to be naked in front of him. I have learned to smile, I have learned to cry. Ok, the latter is a work in progress. But I have learned there is more out there. I can dream. I never dreamed before. I now have dreams. Most importantly, I have learned who I am and who I want to be. My fence has served its purpose. Belle saved me when I needed saving. And now I want more.

Is it fair to want more? Not to say that I don’t deserve more as I know I do. I am at a place in my life where I know I deserve to have all I can dream of. But by moving forward, by making changes in my life, I change the children’s lives too. Is it fair to disrupt their life for my own happiness? The problem is, I can’t be sure that my moving forward is a step forward for them as well. They are happy, their world is protected. I just don’t know how long I can go on sitting on the fence and smiling when I yearn so badly to move on.

I know, more mumbo jumbo as I think out loud again. :rolleyes: I’ve got slivers in my ass, anyone have a pair of tweezers I can borrow till I get this shit figured out?