Sunday, August 05, 2007

Family Reunion

Family Reunion
It’s a tradition in our family, as it is in many to hold a reunion every couple of years. New marriages, babies, little girls becoming young ladies, little boys becoming young men. And in our family it is all centered around my Great-Grandmother. My hero, my idol and my biggest supporter, I just love her so much. It so happens that this year’s family reunion falls on her 95th birthday this coming Saturday.
I’ve been to every reunion our family has held. It’s full of water games for the kids and a very competitive horseshoe game between the adults. Plenty to eat and even more to drink, we spend the entire day catching up on what’s been happening our lives. Our family is a big one and we have always been very close. I take my kids to my Grandmother’s to visit with her and my Great-Grandmother as often as possible and we are always spoiled with homemade cakes, pies and cookies washed down with a cold glass of milk.
My Great-Nana will spend hours telling stories about what is going on in the family. Her mind is healthier than the rest of our younger brood. She knows who is marrying who, the name of our third cousins new born, the towns in which each of our extended families have moved to. The mail that is delivered each day is full of cards and letters from friends whom she used to live next to when in Arizona 50+ years ago. She writes a letter every day, sometimes I am the lucky one to hear from her.
I named my baby after her and although the name means “Uncertain, bitter” it certainly does not hold true for either. I named my daughter after her because of everything my Great-Nana stands for in my life. She takes life in stride and rolls with the punches. She has been through the good and the bad in her lifetime but has never let the pitfalls bring her down. She gives that unconditional love we all yearn for. Truly an amazing woman, I am so blessed to have my children grow to know her and have her in their lives. So this reunion is extra special for me and my kids. It is another year to be thankful for the wonderful family that all began with my Great-Nana.
So why am I dreading it? Because our family just isn’t what it used to be. I could blame it on Belle but I refuse to. Because I think no matter how others perceive my life to have been as Belle, their judgment of me…who I am, should not be clouded by Belle’s activities. Something some people in my family cannot accept. My mother and sister became aware of Belle’s lifestyle just before Christmas last year. They made their disapproval quite apparent when they called the government agency to check on my kids. I haven’t spoken to them since. It gets a little more complicated than that and maybe someday I can explain it better but suffice to say that they considered me a bad mother because I chose to provide escort services for money. I won’t say I chose to be an escort because really, I don’t think that defines who someone is but something someone does. Looking at it from that perspective I don’t see how I have changed entirely as a person, that escorting had suddenly made me an unfit parent when for 14 years both my mother and my sister prided me for how well I have always taken care of my kids. I despise ignorance.
I haven’t discussed this issue with my Nana or my Great-Nana because even though I know they are aware of Belle…..they don’t care. They may be concerned for me and not fully understand, but they would never turn their backs on me. It’s that unconditional love we all yearn for. We don’t need to talk about it because it would never affect our relationship with each other. I still love them and they still love me.
But being at this upcoming family reunion I know there will be tension. I spent an hour on the phone last week with a cousin of mine. We seldom talk until family events like these and we need to work out the details. Why is it there is always someone who loves to gossip in every family? You know the ones. They are the first to spread the news that so and so have split up, Uncle Jimmy got fired cause of his drinking, Aunt Janet’s boy is in rehab……there is always one and my family is no exception. Well, I finally got the scoop. Of course, without surprise it was all about me. Yes, my entire family knows about Belle. I was the talk of the family at the Christmas dinner I missed out on last year, and the conversation still seems to flow as freshly now as it did then. And this is what I have to face when I show up on Saturday with a gift for my Great-Nana and 4 kids in tow.
It’s not supposed to be like this, you know? It is so frustrating because I want to scream to the world about just how good I feel about my life and all of the good things Belle has brought to my life but I know I would never be understood. To “them” I am just another street walker lowering myself to the sexual demands of a lower class society to make a quick buck. “It’s not like that” I want to say but I know it would fall on deaf ears.
The funny thing is, I still don’t regret it….even with everything I have lost, I have still gained so much more. I know you say “family is everything” and it is, I am with you on that thought. But family should be above this sort of thing. My brother is a drunk and a drug addict. I love him and will support him when he needs me. I don’t have to approve of his lifestyle. That is what family is about.
So I thought about Saturday and just how I should play it all out. I could show up with my head held high, smile and pretend that everything is okay. I could swim with the kids and sit next to my Great-Nana listening to her tell stories of who is who. Maybe even play a game or two of horse shoes….or I could…..

Show up with the 6inch thigh high heeled boots, leather mini skirt and leopard print tank top and bright red lipstick. I have even contemplated how the conversation would go with my cousin when I first arrive. Talk about phoney people looking for good gossip, she is one of them. Just which personality I should play is the question:

Cousin: Why are you late? Kids slowing you down lately or what?
Belle: Sorry, I had a 3 hr at the KW and had to run home and wash the dribble off my face. Then I had to take the condoms and PR out of my purse to make room for the birthday card. Got here as quick as I could.
Me: Yeah, little Johhny had a scrape and couldn’t find a band-aid. What a great set-up, looks like you’ve been busy!
Cousin: Yeah, well anything for Great-Nana. Wait till you see the beautiful gift I made for her, she’ll love it!
Belle: I’ve been so busy with John’s the past week I didn’t have time to make anything but I stopped in at the liquidation place on the corner where I stand every night and picked her up a foot massager. Only cost me a BJ, and you know me, love a bargain!
Me: How thoughtful of you, Nana loves gifts from the heart. With work and kids I wished I had the time for that but the kids did make her a beautiful card and we picked some flowers for her out in the yard this morning. So, how has the Hubby been?
Cousin: Never see him, he’s been working so hard to pay off the new car but as long as he’s bringing home the money I won’t complain! How about you and…..oh, sorry. How are the kids with all of that anyways?
Belle: I dunno, they seem ok but I never ask them. Hard enough dealing with feeding them let alone dealing with their feelings and shit. FACS says they are ok so I guess they must be. I still have em, for now anyways. Wow, look at Jenny’s new beau. He looks rich, excuse me while I go introduce my services……
Me: They are doing great thanks. Getting big, enjoying the summer and dreading going back to school. Is that Jenny’s new husband? She looks so happy with him! Excuse me while I go introduce my serv…….myself.

Oh the fun I could have! But alas, for the sake of my kids and the family that I do respect I will behave…but boy do I miss Belle! Wish me luck, I’ll let you know how it goes

Don't put off the dentist!

If you are anything like me, you get a reminder call from the dentist's office and cancel the appointment stating some business meeting that has you out of town or your dog goes in for surgery that day or some other crazy damned excuse to stop them from calling for the next month or so. After putting it off for almost a year I gathered up my nerve to finally go in for my cleaning. Don't get me wrong, my dentist is the most wonderful dentist any nervous patient could ask for but my teeth are so sensitive that just a simple cleaning requires me to have my mouth frozen. Now between visiting with clients (just imagine an SP walking in your room with her mouth frozen) and work, going 4 hours with a frozen mouth just doesn't fit well in my schedule. Ok, it's a poor excuse but it proved a costly lesson recently.

In March I finally made it into the hygenist's chair. It was a complete work up with x-rays and that thing where they prod your gums and call out numbers. Just what do they call that anyways? I have known for some time now that I have a problem with bone loss and this is always an issue when I go for these visits. Numbers of 10 and 11 when healthy numbers for the gums are 2's and 3's. I know, this may sound silly...I wished I knew how to explain it better. Anyways, the hygenist finished her cleaning and told me the Dr. would be in in just a minute to talk with me. Nothing seemed outside of the norm until he walked in and as he started to take a look around my mouth the hygenist commented to him something about the "buccal mucosa". He said he had noticed that and spent the next few minutes quietly scraping around the insides of my cheeks and gum line.

After doing so he sat up and asked if I have any odd habits. Cheek biting? Chewing on objects?. No to both. Chronic gum chewing? Yes. He explained that I had a "small white patch" on the inside of my left cheek. Likely it was nothing but he wanted to send me to an oral surgeon to have it looked at. He didn't seem too concerned so I wasn't either, although the weeks of waiting to get into the doctor was a little frustrating. Finally the day came and I found myself sitting in the office of the oral surgeon having a biopsy taken of what he referred to as a "rather large lesion". Now I was nervous. A white patch I could handle. A lesion I dould not although he assured me it was just clinical talk.

One week later and I am called into his office to discuss the results of my biopsy. "What you have is termed squamous cell carcinoma". I had no idea what squamous cell meant but I knew carcinoma meant cancer. That's all I heard that day really. He talked a bit about my smoking and gum chewing habits and then tried to explain how carcinoma works within the body. I just focused on what to do next. You would think it would be immediate treatment but no, it was a matter of doing some testing before treatment would be given. First he explained that I would need an exploratory done to see just how far, if at all the cancer has spread, This would involve an endoscopy. A very simple procedure placing a camera down my throat. This could be done while I was awake but the chicken shit I am, I opted to have it done while I was asleep. Some of you may know me to be calm and relaxed by nature but when it comes to these things I say knock me out because I become a nervous wreck.

So, 2 weeks later I was put out and the camera was rolling. From there I only remember waking up and feeling ill to my stomach. I was given some gravol and was a little groggy still when the doctor came in. He asked what my plans were for the rest of the evening. I was scared then, knowing that I was supposed to be released by 1pm and at home to meet my kids when they got home from school. Then he asked me about work and my schedule for the next few days. When I asked him why he asked my permission to put me out again as he had found a few lesions on the back of my throat he wanted to biopsy and at the same time remove the lesion on my cheek. I cried. Then I asked for my purse so I could call my kids father and be sure he would take care of the kids until I got home and help out through the weekend. That settled and I was back in having the lesion removed.

Everything went very well and once I was awake and steady I was told to go home and wait for the new biopsy results to come in, likely about 10 days. It was hard for me after I was at home. It's the wait that was the hardest. And me......I keep to myself when I am upset. I can't talk about it, but I had no problem crying myself through it. I don't want mean for that to sound sad because it really wasn't that sad. It was healthy for me to cry as it is not something I do often and it showed that I was dealing with something for once instead of just brushing it under the carpet pretending it wasn't happening as I do most things in my life. But I still had to deal with it on my own. I only had to wait 7 days.

Surprisingly when the biopsy results came in they were more promising than the first. I have a condition called Lichenoid Mucositis. It's causes are many including gum chewing and smoking. It produces lesions of varying description but the good news is that seldom do these lesions evolve into squamous cell carcinomas. More good news was that it appears the lesion he removed from my cheek was complete and surrounded by healthy cells. This condition is incurable but may come and go over the years. It will involve another surgery to remove and biopsy a few more lesions that have spread to my right cheek as well as the 2 on my throat. It will also require me to make continuous visits to be aware of any new lesions but it was very promising to learn that my primary condition is not oral cancer as originally thought. For that I am very thankful. I have been doing my best to stick to my doctors recomendations. Cut down on the smoking, chew fruit flavored gum as cinnamon and spearmint can cause somewhat of an allergic reaction to this condition and keep myself as stress free as possible. Lighten my schedule and keep smiling. That part is not a problem for me. I will always find a reason to smile.

So, the moral of this very long story? Don't put off the dentist! He may have some scary sounding tools in that room of his that can put you off, but cavities may not be the only thing he notices that you wouldn't otherwise. Thee lesions, they are small and they are under the skin. They don't hurt, I can't feel them at all. If it wasn't for my regular cleaning, I would have had no idea. The odd thing is that this condition is very common so when your dentist office calls to reminding you of your upcoming appointment, tell them you will be can afford to wait, you cannot.

What happened to my house?

I have been quite busy since announcing my retirement as Belle and just this weekend have finally had the chance to sit and relax. Sounds like a good thing right? No, definately not! My question is....what the hell happened to my house while Belle was off doing her thing? I don't mean just basic housekeeping issues....I mean everything is falling apart! Paint on the outside brick is in need of a new coat not to mention all of my basebards inside could use one too. My rails on my kingsized bed have collapsed (how I wish it was from being to rough), my carpet in my room is in desperate need of replacing. My kitchen is still half done which didn't really bother me till now since I have no choice but to sit at home and look at it.

My chimney is missing the animal guard at the top and my flue needs to be repaired. I have a leak in my basement....coming from the ceiling. When the f*&% did that happen? The contractors that started to work on my house forgot they removed a duct where they made a cutout in my wall so I have no heat/air being sent to my upstairs. My shut off valve on the bathroom sink is leaking...which may explain the water in the basement. I don't have any flowers in my did I forget to plant flowers? The kids trampoline is missing half the springs, I found 2 when I cut the grass. The pool was green, wasn't it just 2 days ago I put chlorine in it? How did I not notice everything falling apart around me?

I never realized just how busy I kept myself until I stopped being so busy. I think I prefer being busy! Now I have to keep busy because being busy kept me from seeing things I should have been doing if I wasn't so busy. The countdown to Disney officially begins today, I need a vacation! 48 days to go. I am giving myself 48 days to get my house back in order because the last thing I want to do when coming home from the house of mouse is be busy or even think about the things I should be doing to keep busy. But for right now.....I think I'll just go to bed.:rolleyes:

The Beauty of Rain

The beauty of rain. I do love to hear the rain coming down against the windows, watching the droplets make their indirect paths down to the pane and out of sight. Or the sound of a car being driven past my home as I listen to the thrust of the water being splashed up the side walls and getting hurled to the sidewalk. I love to listen as the wind picks up and I can hear the trees swaying outside, the rain landing on the leaves oftentimes with a force strong enough to send them free falling to the ground. The rain is so peaceful and beautiful but not only for what it looks or sounds like outside but for the moments it creates in my home.

The rain starts outside and my life stops inside. It is as though the rain stops time to allow for precious moments to be had. I grab a blanket, a soft cuddly one and round up my kids in the living room. The summer weather tends to send everyone in their opposite ways. One child may visit a friend’s house down the street, another in the pool in the back yard, one riding a bike around the neighborhood while another takes a time out to watch Much Music videos in the cool air conditioning. It is seldom we have those bonding moments that we are able to share in the winter. It is a wonderful thing, to see my kids spread out in the summer; developing friendships with kids and gaining a bit of independence. But I still look forward to rainy days like today.

We put on a movie and do nothing at all. It is times like these that I want to hold on to as my kids grow. They talk about life, their lives through their eyes and it opens me up to just how simple things really are for them. “Can’t you just tell work that your kids want you to stay home Mommy?”, my five year old asked. “Ah, if life we like that sweetheart”. Yes, life is very simple to them. “Mom, can we have breakfast for supper tonight?”. “Well, breakfast is for the morning honey, don’t ya think”. “Well, why do we have to eat Mickey waffles only in the morning?”. “Good question, why do we? Mickey waffles for supper it is!”. I live for days like today.

We are so quick to moan when it rains. The plans that get cancelled, the errands we had to run but it’s just too wet out. We want to weed the garden, swim in the pool, go for a walk….many things, and they are good things…..but isn’t it nice when mother nature just turns around and says to us “Today is a time out day”? I love being outside alone with my thoughts working about the yard or watching the kids play but I love these moments too. We get too busy sometimes and it’s nice to just lay under that cozy blanket watching a movie about some fantasy land you can only see by using your imagination and having the tiniest arms and baby hands wrapped around you. Thinking about nothing except the fact that you are having breakfast for dinner and wondering if you have marshmallows to toss in their hot chocolate just to see the smiles of surprise on their faces. I hope it rains tomorrow.

Parents of teens: Please read!

Teens today are no smarter than the teens of yesterday. And protecting them isn’t any easier. I’m learning this as I attempt to successfully raise a teenage daughter. The wonderful age of the internet. I love it not only for its ease of use in this business but for keeping in contact with friends, school projects when time to get to a library is limited and searching out a business website or product I may be interested in. It has its uses, if one, it’s one thousand of them. The world wide web keeps our world connected but the other day it could have torn me apart.

I am writing this to all parents of teenage children. I thought I was doing everything right. My daughter’s computer next to mine in the dining room. In passing I would always peer over her shoulder to see who she is talking to. I have talked at great length with her the danger of internet predators. We have watched T.V. programmes about the issue and just how serious it is. I have preached, prodded and thankfully prayed that she be safe. Someone was listening to my prayer.

I saw her chatting on a Sunday afternoon and walked over to see who she was chatting with. There was a conversation screen on the monitor, someone complaining about a baby cousin’s birthday party he had to go to. He had asked my daughter if she wanted to help him out, she thought he was joking and replied “No Thanks LOL”. I asked who it was she was talking to as these kids all use silly handles and there was no display picture to view. She said it was her “EX”. Assuming it was the boy she had “dated” recently whom had been to our house for a few dinners and played some fooseball I suggested she go along and help him out. They agreed to meet outside a Tim Horton’s and I had arranged to have her father drive her as I was on my way out.

After dropping her off he was headed to the park with our other children when he realized the name she gave in the car did not ring a bell so he turned around to question her about it. As he was pulling in he noticed a guy get out of his car in the parking lot, light a smoke and walk around the building. Her dad walked up to her and questioned about who she was meeting. Knowing she was caught she admitted she had never met him before but had talked a lot to him online. Naturally her dad flipped out giving her a lecture about meeting someone this way and what she could have possibly been getting herself into. He made a scene which embarrassed her but justifiably so.

When I came home later that evening her father told me what happened. I have a chat program installed on her computer where I can view her chat conversations so I checked it out. Even after the lecture her father gave her she still sent this person an email apologizing for leaving and gave a false description of what she was wearing so that if he had in fact been there he would not think it was her that was being taken away by her raging father. He replied saying he had left before she arrived but that they would get together soon.

Now, it could very well have been a 13 year old kid….but it could well have been the 40 yr old man having a smoke who drove away without even gong into the store. What a scary thought to think that you have done all the right things and put that trust in your children to make the right decisions then they go off and do something so foolish. It was a reality check that teens are no different now than when we were there. They still know it all, can take care of themselves and have parents that just don’t know what it’s like to be 13. In fact…..I am so out of touch with what it’s like to be 13 that I now have my 13 year old doing laundry, yard work, painting…any work I can find for her to do the entire summer. I have made her replace her computer for a book she must have read by the time school let’s in and the phone replaced by a pen and paper for her to journal her wonderful summer spent at home with mom. I sense some great bonding time up and coming. :rolleyes:

Parents…..please be nosey. Read their emails, know who they are talking to, question where they are going when they leave the house. It’s not an invasion of their privacy, it’s our job as parents. I would rather have my daughter around to hate me than not have her around at all.

My Life Series: Divorce

I grew up, like hundreds of thousands of other kids in a broken home. I don’t remember much of life before the divorce. I don’t remember family vacations, Christmases, birthday parties or any event that a child growing up in a stable home would have memories of. I feel robbed of so much and am still, even as an adult very bitter for what I lost.

I was 13 when my parents split. I knew things were not good but I never remember things being bad save for coming down stairs several years prior and seeing my father’s belongings packed and stacked in a hallway. There was no fighting, but I knew things were not right. My parents did not hug nor kiss. They didn’t exchange “I love you’s” when they left the house or hung up the phone. I was lucky to not have had to witness violence or abuse in my childhood home but it was what I did not witness that has made moving on in my life a difficult thing to do.
I didn’t see love.

I am sure my parents loved each other, but they never showed it. My father is a quiet man. He accepts things as they are and keeps his thoughts and emotions to himself as most men do. I know he loves me, but I cannot recall him ever saying it. My mom….well she had her moments. I am sure with the divorce she was lost, something I can relate to now being a divorcee myself. She drank a lot, or should I say a lot more than she did prior to my father leaving. But I cannot fault her for that. Not the best way to handle things but perhaps her defense mechanism to protect her from the pain of having her world being turned upside down.

At 13, I saw her as a drunk. A self absorbed woman who spent too much time waddling in her own self pity to notice that her three children were suffering her pain too. At 32, I see a woman who felt abandoned, alone and likely scared to death having to raise 3 children who were now from a broken home. She had become a statistic. No one likes to be reduced to a number.

I chose to live with my father. At 14 my dad went to court and was granted custody of me. I always felt, and still do to this day a special bond with my dad. He never said much, yet in his silence he said everything. He worried for me yet never pressured me. He let me screw up and accepted the hell I put him through to allow me to learn from my mistakes…..and I made many from them. But because the sacrifices he made for me, I am who I am today.

Now, I look at my four children and I hurt for them. I know kids are resilient, I know they will learn to adjust and I know that this has become the norm for many children. My anger comes from the fact that it shouldn’t be so. My kids shouldn’t have to learn to adjust. They shouldn’t have to be resilient. They shouldn’t be reduced to a number. I don’t know what my parents went through prior to their divorce but I do know that their marriage was not given up on easily. And I know my marriage is much the same. I tried, Lord knows I tried to keep a happy healthy home for my children. But I had to break that cycle.

I realized just how much my marriage was that of my parents. No hugs, no kisses. No “I love you’s”, no sleeping in the same bed. There may have been love there on some level but to my children it must have seemed loveless. I did not want my three girls to think this is what a marriage was about. I didn’t want them to settle for less but to have belief in the dream.

What I wonder now is if I will ever stop mourning that loss. Will I ever be okay with the fact that my marriage failed? I know I did all I could and I also know that no matter how much I loved him or he loved me it just simply wasn’t enough and that walking away was the best thing I could have done. I don’t regret the decision but will I ever stop wishing it could have been different?


A few reflections since announcing my departure from the business. This first one was an odd irony I encountered at an industry party a few days ago. I was excited to be there to see the many faces I have met if only briefly, through escorting. I wanted the chance to say thanks, share a laugh or two and part ways knowing all was said that I wanted to be said. And for the most part, it was a most pleasant day.

Typically at these events it starts off with one drink and ends up with me likely being naked. It is me, my carefree Belle self. It is business, advertising of who I am and what I stand for as Belle. It is a time to give my appreciation for those that have trusted me as an independent escort, a time for me to lose my inhibitions and let my hair down. This party was a little different. There was no advertising, in fact there was no drinking and no getting naked….on my part anyways. While I wasn’t feeling that well the day of, I wanted to just sit back and reflect on the positive changes this business has brought to my life.

All faces were welcoming to see until one prior client approached me to give me his door fee for the party as I had volunteered to do the collecting. I looked up to see the face of the man who just so happened to be my very first client as an escort. Perhaps you remember the blog entry I made dedicated to that very experience. It was not a pleasant one, in fact it was just the opposite. Let me tell you the history of this guy, a brief recap of my first appointment to now.
My first call with the agency I joined and I was warned by the owner that he can be aggressive and to hold my ground. I was scared. Scared to be doing this for the first time, scared to possibly encounter a situation I have feared all my life….having to stand up for myself. I walked in and quickly realized the type of experience he was looking for I was not willing to be a part of. He demanded that I ask permission to touch him and to not do anything until he told me so.

He told me to stand in front of him and let him undress me with my hands behind my back. I was nervous, I didn’t know what to do so at first I went along with his little game. He talked about this being my first call, the agency told him prior to booking me. He made me beg to kiss him, then to take his lead and move from his lips down his body. I was going along with this until he asked to call me his “submissive bitch” and requested he use nipple clamps on me. I flatly refused and a conversation ensued about how I need to please the client. I left that room with a small victory. I said no, something I had never done before….but I also allowed things to happen that I was not comfortable with and for that I was disappointed in myself. My first week held a few of these encounters, moments that I walked out being disappointed in myself.

A few days later I was sent to see him again. I did not realize it until he answered the door. To my amazement, I took the call and I walked in there with a much stronger “don’t f*** with me” attitude. He tried the same things again, the submissive role play, the name calling, the nipple clamps and I denied him all of the above. I left early and told my driver I refuse to see him again. He did not like taking no for an answer, told me to never smoke within hours of seeing him and so on. I decided then, that I am who I am. I will have my boundaries and I will not step outside of them for anyone no matter the money being offered. I am proud to say that the conviction I made that night stayed with me for the remaining 20 months in the business.

A few months after being independent of an agency, I get a voice mail. The voice I will never forget. It was him and he had the nerve to give me a different name and request to see me. I was so mad that he would have the nerve to be so ignorant. He knew I would refuse to see him and I did, of course. Next was an industry party where he showed up. He just sat there, the table behind mine and stared. We never spoke but I was unnerved by his presence. One year later, due to driver issues for a month or so I joined an agency part time until I settled the issues. My first night I get 3 calls as soon as I book on. As I finish the second call I hop in with the driver and light a cigarette. The driver asks that I put it out and tells me I have another call and the guy asked I do not smoke prior. My guard went up and I just knew it was him.

The guy goes by the name John235 on the review boards but he also introduces himself as “John from ****” referring to another review board. I asked the driver to call the dispatcher and ask what name he gave when he booked. Sure enough it was him! I explained to the driver my experience with him and once she realized who he was she knew he was also banned from 2 agencies for his aggressiveness with women. He was denied my call and told he was banned from the agency. Lo and behold, I get a private message from him. For the first time ever, I am going to share those messages publicly. The final messages went as follows:

Originally Posted by John235 Bell I was your first call with (agency name edited) I have seen you maybe 4 times or so We have always had a good call and i am not aware of ever having any problem I tried to book you Saturday through (agency name edited) and when time was getting late they told me you said you had a problem with me and that you would not see me and that i am now band from (them) What is that all about? I am very respected and have many ladies you can check for reference ***** and **** did a call with me @ (agency and ladies names edited) as well as many others. I have always respected you and regard my reputation with the agencies. I have never had a problem with any ladies ever and I always treat everyone with respect. I had a problem with (agency owner name edited) many years ago at (agency name edited) that was going back maybe 8 or more years and it was a (agency owner) issue not a lady issue. Please talk to me so I can resolve this.You can email me at (email edited)[/color]

My response:

On the contrary, I am aware of many problems you have had with the agencies. (Agency name edited) had you banned, most of the girls refused to see you there. My first call with you I was very uncomfortable with you and I made you aware of that. You asked to call me "Your submissive little bitch" and then requested we used nipple clamps. I said no to both. You then proceeded to tell me I had to ask your permission to do anything to you. You then complained of my smoking...first visit...fair enough as you didn't know any better.

I saw you the next week through (agency name edited) and was terrified but being new with the business I stayed. You complained of my smoking...knowing I am a smoker. No reason to complain this time! When I got out of that call I asked (agency owners names edited) to not send me to you again. You called me as an indy and used a different name to see you as you knew I would turn you away. That was very disrespectful and ignorant!

I am at a point in this business that I do not have to put myself in situations that I am uncomfortable in. You feel the need to be powerful and in control of a woman. I find that demeaning and will not put myself in that environment again. I would apologize if I felt I did something wrong but standing up for myself does not constitute an apology.

He was not happy. His response:

BDSM ________________________________________Belle
I am quite surprised at your response. You are in a profession that most people do not understand. When a person with out knowledge is asked about your profession they say that women are forced into it or are drug users they are degraded ect. Having been with you and having read what you have written on your site and on blogs you understand this industries and the men who see women better then most anyone. I have been involved in this for a very long time. So I speak from experience that you are unique and among the best in the industry.
When it comes to BDSM there is a whole culture and a industry of it’s own. It is not degrading to women those women who are involved in roles weather submissive, dominate or switch do so with respect and are proud of how they feel about there role. When a sub be it a man or a women partakes in this culture they do so with an understanding of them self and it is not degrading. Those in dominate roles as master get the power of master from the sub in fact it is the sub who is in control as they give the power in an exchange to the master. In this practice this is how the safty is maintained and those of us go to great lengths to insure safe words and an understanding of this.

In our meetings I have expressed that I respect your comfort and I have never asked you to do anything you feel uncomfortable with. I am sorry that you might not have experience or knowledge of BDSM and that just by my asking you got scared or misunderstood my intentions. But I believe that if you think about the times we meet you will recall that I did express that I explained this concept and that I never ask you to do this if you are not comfortable. In fact you expressed that you are not comfortable with this and I did not press it.

I have learned that it is best to do this with women who understand this culture and when I desire this I will do it with women like (escort name edited) who are very comfortable with this. Or I will go to places in Toronto the specialize in this.

To have me banned do to your misunderstanding I feel is not correct I would ask that you speak to (escorts names edited) and the owners of (agency name edited) and have my name cleared. I have never asked anyone to do anything they are not comfortable with and respect the women I am with. BDSM is not a control over women thing it is a culture of it’s own and women who partake do so of there own desire the power they allow the masters they are with comes form them and the masters respect this. Safe guide lines are always followed. I am sorry for any misunderstanding

Please think about this and consider clearing my name.

Ummm, excuse me? My misunderstanding? No misunderstanding. I have nothing against BDSM, I simply choose not to be part of it. And the point is, that is my decision. To repeatedly ask to see me (I am assuming because he sensed my insecurity and that he felt he could wear me down) knowing I was not comfortable with what he was in to shows his lack of respect for women in this industry. What I have a problem with is guys like this that take advantage of new girls trying to spring upon them requests for services that are certainly not par for the course. It is wrong. These things should be discussed and mutually agreed upon prior to meeting with someone. Of course with my big mouth I could not let this one go. Unfortunately I do not have a copy of the pm I sent him responding to the above but I know I told him everything as I have written here.

It disgusted me that he considers himself an expert in BDSM yet does not seek those services from escorts that specialize in that that service….even worse that he seeks out unassuming ladies in hopes that his control over them is not a “role play” but that he truly does have that control over her. It simply makes me sick. His final message to me was a half-hearted apology.

So, back to the party. This to me was his final stage of the game. In his twisted mind I think it is part of his fantasy. To be my first call and intimidate me the way he knew he could. To call for me again, and yet again to remind me of who he is, it was like his attempt of keeping that fear of him in me. To call for me at the second agency on my first night with them, to play out in his head the irony of my first call with him being my very first appointment. To show up at the party, the final party I will be attending when no one even knows who this guy is, to walk up to me and hand me his door fee with a big grin on his face….it seemed all part of a game. He just paced the parking lot, not talking to anyone, just paced and paced. Only, I didn’t fear him. In fact, I looked at him as a sick pathetic soul. A loser. A low life.

I told others at the party who he was. I wanted him alienated but unfortunately I didn’t get the word out fast enough. He ended up seeing a girl but thankfully she had more confidence in herself than I did when I saw him. She walked out after 20 minutes refusing to have anything to do with him and expressed her concern for his aggressiveness. I later find out he used another name to get into the party. He knew he was not welcome, he knew he was banned. He showed up anyways. Because of that, because of his lack of respect for women and the industry I have no problem exposing him here. Behaviour like this may be harmless to some but to a woman in the industry it is creepy and creepy is not what it should be about.

I won this game, but I don’t want to play it ever again. It is one of few things I will not miss about this business. The weeding out, the nervousness when meeting someone, the being asked to do things I am uncomfortable with doing. Yes, it may be part of the business and I understand that. But like any business, there is a down side. John235 is the downside.

The time has come

Well, as I have said before…”Here for a good time, not a long time”. Good times were had and now it is time for me to move on. I think we should name this week the week of the dearly departed. Seeing such wonderful ladies announce their departure from this business, I realize that my time too has come. But I am leaving with no regrets, lessons learned, friends gained and a renewed sense of who I am and where I am headed in life. For that I will be forever grateful to all of you.

I created Belle in August 2005. She became someone I had always wanted to be. Confident, sexual, carefree, spontaneous and adventurous. I wanted her to take me places I have never seen, allow me to do things I have never done. I wanted her to take me away from reality and give me the fantasy all women dream of. I wanted to feel desired, cared for, wanted as a woman. I wanted to feel passion, be a part of that passion, give into that passion. I wanted an escape, a glimpse into the world beyond my own.

While Belle gave me everything I was looking for, she also gave me so much more. Things that not only did I not expect, but did not know I was looking for. She opened my eyes to what the world has to offer me. I now have an inner strength to face the world instead of cowering to its wrath. All in all, I found me. Now it’s time to see just what I can do out there.
I’m not one for long goodbyes so just let me say thanks for the ones that took the time to get to know me and open your lives up to me. I won’t mention any names, you all know who you are. I will often look back and smile at the memories you have given me. No regrets, just smiles and lots of them.

For those of you that have followed my rambling blog, thank you for listening. In the next few days my website will be no longer of use other than the main page being my blog which I hope I will still be writing years from now. My contact info, schedule, pictures and all forums will become a thing of my past, a very memorable one. I can’t tell you how much fun it has been to banter back and forth about the business, life and love. I hope some of you stick around to see where this next phase takes me.

I posted a contest of sorts a couple of months ago on my website. I asked for anyone reading to submit a perfect date scenario. My intent was to experience something I am not ready for in my personal life yet so desperately need to be a part of. Just one evening, no money exchange. The kind of date you would plan the night you propose to your loved one. I am excited to live out that “date” and have decided that that evening will be my last experience as Belle. What a perfect way to end this leg of my journey.

So, that being said, while an official date has not been set I can be sure in saying that Friday, July 13th will be my final day. Thanks again, kisses to all of you!

xoxo Belle



An attractive man but one who does not spend 10 minutes grooming himself to look better than me after hours of grooming. Must be manly but with a sensitive side. Meaning, he can cry during “City of Angels” but not when he stubbs his toe. He must tell me the things I want to hear if he really means it and never tell me when he doesn’t. I don’t expect him to promise me the world but a planet or two would be nice. He must love to drive and put up with me in the passenger seat while I yell at him to slow down…with a smile the entire time. He must keep country playing on the car radio and only listen to his favorite music in the garage where I will send him when he gets on my nerves. Likely twice daily.

He must love to cook and BBQ in the summer and never expect me to do either. He must be self sufficient and have a job that works around my schedule. He must know when to say nice comforting things yet also know when to shut the fuck up. He must not require a lot of effort to make happy and be confident enough to know I want him yet not over confident where he becomes an arrogant prick. Combs in the back pocket are a no-no. He must not snore, unless I fall asleep before he does. In fact, he must massage me to sleep every night before he even thinks of resting his weary eyes. Hey, this IS my ad you know!

He must enjoy long walks. Not at the beach necessarily but hikes through forests looking for Tupperware containers filled with other people’s junk. He must not fear anything but my wrath. Spiders and snakes must be his friends, friends that he never brings home. Heck even human friends he must never bring home unless I really like them and he plans on sharing our bed with them. He MUST love the Habs. He can have a hobby or two of his own, including escorts as long as he invites me and I approve of his pick of the litter.

He must never come home in a drunken stupor unless I have been with him the entire evening. If there is a night he doesn’t come home he must pick up his belongings at the curbside prior to 8am. He must not beg to have a dog, or any pet for that matter. If he wants to take care of something…..hell….that’s what I am here for! He must never be upset when I spend money and understand that he is not allowed to spend any because I spent it all. He must never come home without a Timmy’s for me. On hot summer days a Mint Chocolate Iced Cappuccino will suffice. He must give me sex when I want it and not ask for it when I don’t. He must not look at another woman unless I comment on how hot she is first. And lastly, he must be able to read my mind.

Apply within.

Did I do that?

I am going to write this blog knowing full well that I will lose all dignity but I am at a stage in the game where I feel comfortable enough to laugh and say “Ah well”. So here goes. Last night…..I peed the bed! Yes, I woke in the night, in the middle of a nightmare to realize the toilet I dreamt I was sitting on was really my bed. Although I woke just a moment later than I would have rathered, it was late enough to officially count myself as a bed wetter. I am hoping at least some of you can relate to this or I am going to be really embarrassed.

This is where I realized that I take my role as an escort too seriously. That, and the fact that I am aging and this is what I have to look forward to down the road. The nightmare. I was at an industry party. It wasn’t a public place kind of meet and greet, more like a house party for us few that hang out. There were no scheduled appointments, it was just to be a night of simply drinking and chatting it up. Surprisingly, I got a little intoxicated and felt the need to remove some clothing. Things were getting heated, the guys and the ladies feeling frisky and lacking any inhibitions. Piece by piece the clothes were coming off. I was so horny, going back to my previous blog about just wanting to get laid. I was being a tease, working up the room. Hands were exploring and just as the guy I was drooling over was about to place his hand between my thighs I realized I didn’t shave before leaving the house!

Total horror took over. OMG, this guy is going to feel stubble! I was so embarrassed and quickly closed my legs together and ran to the washroom. I tore apart the medicine cabinet, the vanity, the linen closet…every nook and cranny of this lavatory in hopes of finding a razor. He was knocking on the door asking if I was okay. I was so humiliated I told him I had drank too much and was feeling ill. But I was horny and I wasn’t about to leave without being satisfied. Talk about being all about me!

I asked him to bring me my purse and when he did, I shut the door and opened up my purse to find my tweezers. One by one I sat there, wincing in pain until I was smooth as a baby’s bottom. Barely able to move I made my way to the toilet prior to leaving the washroom. This is when I woke up. Now the timing was good…and very bad! I only dribbled and had I waited any longer, well….no need to go any further with that. BUT…I went through the pain of tweezing my most intimate areas and I didn’t get to reap my reward! I woke up wet, for more reasons than I care to think about and horny as hell at 3am. Of course I did what any horny woman would do. I ran the tub and masturbated. The first time took no effort as I was practically there. It was the second one that satisfied me before heading back to bed.

Lesson learned? Hair dye before bed is a no-no. From now on I will dye my hair in the morning so I can be horny as hell and not have to take care of it myself! Don’t be scared the next time you see me if I have green hair and a pocket rocket in hand. Just keep me busy cause if I fall asleep you will see just how wet I can really get! Omg, what has my blog come to?

Ever just want to F***?

Have you ever wanted sex so bad that it physically hurt? I mean that torturous “I have to have it now” feeling? I know I talk so much about me being all about passion and sensuality only because as an SP, that is the only clientele I wish to spend time with. But I AM human, I AM a woman and lately…..I just want to get f****d. It sounds so crude I can’t even type it but I really do just want to have it all about sex and how many times I can get off, how many times he can get off and how many ways we can figure how to get there. God am I ever going to regret this post after I’ve had some sleep!

I worked tonight not only putting in my eight hours but did two hours of overtime….and I spent the entire time thinking about sex. It may sound normal for some of you but it’s not the norm for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex…..but I don’t normally fantasize about it like I have all night. I imagined one of my customers naked, not even giving up his first name. He just pushed me down to the floor, ripped my clothes off and gave it to me like I really wanted him to. I’m sure he knew I was thinking something, I could tell the look in my eyes made him nervous. Poor guy, if he only knew!

I imagined cornering one of my coworkers who seems so sweet and innocent up against a wall. I grabbed her hands, pinned them above her head and just started kissing her in the break room. I could feel her resist me, a feeble attempt to convince herself she did not like it. But as the kiss lingered I could feel her hands go limp under mine, her lips loosened up and she gave in to her curiosity of what it would feel like to kiss a woman. This thought kept me wet most of the evening.

I imagined the men who have given me my fantasies since I have been escorting. The men that have tried new things with me, who I have tried new things with. And then I relived them while my customers bitched at me all night. I don’t think they appreciated my smile back to them. It took everything I had to not touch myself.

My breaks came and I rushed to the ladies room. I was soaked each time and could not wait to taste myself. I never got myself off, just sat there and played for a minute or two before joining my fellow associates. Sex was everywhere I looked. Men, women, couples….I pictured myself having sex with them all. Well, maybe not all as there were a few that just did not do it for me. But I was so damn horny that almost everyone was a target of my desire. I was having sex on the staircase, outside on the picnic tables where I would have my cigarette, in the ladies room on the huge countertop with the mirror reflecting all things I could not see. I was so horny, it hurt.
Now it’s not like I haven’t been getting any, I have. And it’s been good. I have left feeling satisfied only to have that ache return moments later. It’s fun, but it’s frustrating. I wished I could just grab a man that I want badly and just do it. No questions, no rationalizing, no objections. We just F***. Just because we felt like it. Hell, even if he doesn’t feel like it, we do it cause I feel like it! Damn that sounds so selfish but hey, it’s my blog and I can be selfish when I want to be!

Ok, I’m going to bed with my pocket rocket now to see what else I can fantasize about. And hopefully I fall asleep right after. I know I’ll only have about ten minutes before that sex freak overcomes me again. And when I wake up, the first thing I am going to do is delete this post!

The Voice in the Woods

Today was the first time in a long time that I actually felt like I wanted someone in my life. It should have been a great feeling I would have thought; to not want to be alone. I found a peaceful place to read a book while I was geocaching last week so I went back to revisit today, just for a casual stroll. I was a little too antsy to bring a book as my mind has been racing with all that has been going on in my life as of late. A mindset not ideal for delving into a complicated plot. So I just walked.

This is my happy place, the great outdoors. I feel connected and a sense of well-being overcomes me as I take in the sunlight that creeps through the tree cover above. It has always been my place to be alone, to clear my mind, to connect with who I am. I have never an intrusion here, so I was left feeling a little betrayed by my thoughts today. I felt solemn as I walked alone. I appreciated the silence but wished I had someone to share that same appreciation for the silence. This is my place dammit, my feel good place. My place where my life is not to be intruded upon. Yes, I felt betrayed by those thoughts.

We live in a world where society dictates who we should be, how we should act, what we should think. Society tells us we need love in our lives, that we cannot be happy alone. Society dictates what constitutes the norm and God forbid we live our lives outside of its expectations. Society says we should cry when times are tough, we should reach out when we feel alone. I say “Fuck society” and I venture outdoors. I like taking time out alone when I am feeling overwhelmed. When I am grumpy or angry or those days that I hate the world and feel lost, I need to be alone. I need to walk, to connect myself with the basics, with the roots of where we all come from. I find my happy place alone in nature, needing to surround myself with trees, water and silence. What I don’t need here is some nagging voice telling me there should be someone walking alongside me.

If I want to take the path to the right, I take it. I don’t want to compromise with anyone. I don’t want to justify why I want to veer to the right. I just do it because I feel like doing it. If I see a nice spot to just sit and think, I sit and think. I don’t want to explain what I am thinking about nor do I care to have my thoughts interrupted by someone else’s breathing beside me. I just want to think, by myself, about nothing or maybe about everything. Who cares? It’s my happy place and I can do here what I want to! So why the hell am I being interrupted by this annoying squeaky voice telling me I should be sharing this moment with someone? Who the fuck let society in here dammit?

There is nothing sane in here. Nothing makes sense. I don’t think like society expects me to, I don’t act like society expects me to, I am not who society expects me to be. But that is the beauty of my happy place. I don’t have to be! So why the hell did society follow me in here? I am not a conformist (in case any of you have not noticed). I refuse to accept that I need someone in my life to hold my hand. And most times I believe it, most times. But today really bothered me none the less. I feel strong for the first time in my life. I feel confident and in control. I own myself, nobody else has title on me. And no one, including that damn nagging voice, has any right to tell me I should live my life otherwise.

You likely know of the saying “That which does not destroy us makes us stronger”. It was a quote by Friedrich Nietzsche. What you may not know is that he wrote another aphorism. "The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself". I love that quote and can relate to what he is saying. Of course, he was mentally ill and institutionalized at the time of his death.:rolleyes: