Friday, September 29, 2017
No...he felt horny. Maybe the rest was yet to come but the morning started where the night left off. Great raw sex.
It was an early morning, places to go and things to do. Reality was waiting for us just outside that hotel room door. It reminded me of a movie I once saw. A young couple spent the night on a bench I believe. They talked all night long and were totally caught up in each other. I don't remember the details but in the end, they had to step off the bench and life was to return as it was before their night began. I watched that movie and was left wishing for a night to be so engaging, the moments shared to be so memorable, so intense that I feared taking that step down and walking away. This was that moment, this was my bench.
I wore the look of a great night of sex well, traipsing about the room gathering pieces of clothing that had been strewn about. I don't even remember any of it coming off save for the Canadian's jersey he not-so-jokingly insisted had to come off before he could be with me. My hair was a mess, I wore the smell of sex like the most expensive bottle of perfume. I had no shame in front of him. Feeling so free, so uninhibited around him put a smile on my face as I hedged for the shower. Moments later he joined me.
Another rule to be broken, I shall not shower with no one! Not my husband, not my loves of my life and here, now, with him I stood in the shower. As the water beat upon us I just looked at him and smiled. Hello again, me. Where have you been?
I lay next to him in bed, both of us completely exhausted. It had been hour after hour of impulsive, animalistic sex. The high began to drain as I listened to him fall asleep beside me. I was coming down. The euphoria being replaced by something all too familiar for me in the dark of the night. My mind was racing, my thoughts bouncing between the synapses in my brain, firing like a war zone only it's a war that's never to be won. Because like any war ever to be fought, it makes no damn sense.
You would think, if I were like any other woman out there, the war would be about love and romance and who is going to be the first to call who. You would think I was laying there hoping he felt the same things I did and that maybe he was really impressed with my hair or found me funny enough to want to see me again. You would think I would be all cuddled up basking in the thought that maybe this is the one. But I am not like any other woman.
I found myself laying on the far side of the bed staring at the wall. I had to make sense of all of this somehow before morning. I tried to rationalize what I was feeling. The connection, was it chemistry? Just pure and natural hormones that were a perfect match in bed? Maybe that's it. But can chemistry make you feel safe with someone you for the first time are getting to know in an intimate way? Because that is not me, I don't ever trust anyone in that way. And the need for more. Not a want but a need. As I thought this I rolled over to look at him. Naked, his sweat now cooled, covered slightly by the hotel's classic white duvet. After acknowledging just how creepy this was, I found myself just wanting to touch him, but he was back to being untouchable. I had allowed my thoughts to interfere briefly with what had transpired that night. I can touch him when he's touching me but I cannot reach out. He wouldn't understand. Hell, I don't even understand.
I didn't want him to roll over to me and say he loved me or shoot me some cheesy line that he thinks I would expect him to say. I'm not a princess, I'm not in need of patronizing flattery. I just wanted to look at him and for the first time in so many years feel like someone was there, I was not alone. Only I grappled with the fact that I wasn't content with just someone being there, but that it was him that was there. So I don't want to date him, I don't want to hold him back, I don't want to talk feelings and emotions and live happily ever after with him but I want him there. And not just tonight. But not every night either. And I don't want obligatory next-day call backs, but I want more of everything else from him. I want him but on my terms. Yeah, fucked up...I know.
Thursday, September 28, 2017
When my husband and I decided we were done, I was devastated. Not because I lost the love of my life. No, there was no love there. But because I was alone. I was now on my own, completely alone in this world. I had kids depending on me, a job depending on me. And for years, it was me being lost in my head, trapped with my thoughts. I was secluded, removed from all people. It was a dark path to travel. I have always felt misunderstood, a little more complex than most. What should make sense doesn't make sense for me. What should be right feels wrong, what's wrong feels so right. The black sheep. The one that doesn't follow the rules or fit the mold others create. I was alone. And when you feel that way you disconnect from the world around you. I am pretty sure it is in that place I created Belle.
Belle could connect with others. She could be wild and crazy, sweet and unassuming. She could be anything I wanted her to be, anything I had ever desired to be as a woman but never felt I had a safe outlet to just be. And people enjoyed her company. They liked to be around Belle.
So that night, although it may have been Belle that showed up, she didn't stay long. Layer by layer he peeled back, revealing me, stripping me down to my soul. There was nothing else that existed outside of his body against mine. Here was the most handsome man, strong and fit, a body that mine melted into, the sex so hot I am not sure where he ended and I began. If he knew just how raw this experience was for me he would have run, I could never expect anyone to understand what was going on in my head.
I stood in front of him, sometimes on the floor, other times kneeling above his body just trying to catch my breath and I wasn't ashamed. I was taking on Belle's confidence. Never had I done that with someone outside of her. And he seemed to accept me for who I was putting out in front of him. Being accepted for me has always been a part of Belle's world. She is easily accepted as her desires, her passion and her sense of adventure is shared by like-minded people. It is something I have yearned for ever since I can remember...to be fully accepted just as I am without someone feeling the need to change me, any part of me. I am in front of a man who is turned on by me, not just my body but he knows me, even if in some small way and he wants to share this night with me. So hot.
It was a night of slight intoxication, the hum of a shared taste in music in the background that every so often we would come out of our heads to take notice of and sweet, sultry passionate sex. He was so intuitive to my body, what pleased me, what put me over the edge. I didn't guide him, I didn't ask him, he just gave it to me. There were moments so intense I would forget to breathe. Get your head around that, moments that had me so caught up that I forgot to take in the one essential need for life...I would have to remind myself to breathe. I would roll out from under him gasping, my head fuzzy and near blacking out. And not just once.
After several hours of nonstop sex, he leaned over me and asked if we were to be leaving the room that night to go our separate ways. I have always said yes. I don't do overnights. If you know anything about me.. I'm out before the sun comes up. It's a rule. It keeps me safe. I should have told him yes, we must go but I couldn't find it in myself to say so. So I told him the choice was his. I acted as nonchalant as possible, not wanting to cite my desire either way and he instantly said we were there for the night. Without a second thought, we were there for the night. And we started the next round...
The kiss is everything. In a relationship the kiss is the biggest form of communication. It can say, "Good morning", "Good night", "I love you", "It will be okay", "I'm here", "I'm sorry", "I want you".. Without the kiss it's just words and you know what little faith I have in words.
He first kissed me in a parking lot of the hotel I chose to meet at. The hotel that we would become naked and unreserved in, using it to explore our sexual desires. If it were possible to orgasm from just one kiss, I would have right there. You can't explain chemistry like that on paper. If I did have any fears or concerns going in, they left me with that first kiss. Never have I anticipated sex with such a hunger, such intense need as I did last night. And his kiss...if he could do that to me with just his kiss..
There is something to be said for anticipation and this very moment, standing before the man I have lusted over for so many years, who has been the object of my borderline obsession, the anticipation was unbearable. I was about to make him mine. Not mine for life, not mine for a year or for month but mine for just this night. Just one night.
For forbidden desires to be fulfilled I felt a need to open up the dialogue. We couldn't go into this like blind fools. That's how I know it wasn't just Belle there last night. I had to be responsible, we both did and be upfront with what was about to happen. Without this conversation we would leave the possibility of regret and if we were going to explore ourselves sexually, I was leaving no room for that. Perhaps it was in that moment that I fell. Our talk was candid, open and honest. To some, the dialogue would have killed the mood but it just made me want him even more. I saw something so sincere in him, I could sense his desire, his fear, his need for what was about to happen.
He reached out for my body and his touch, the heat from his hand somehow sent chills through me. Think about that for a second. His heat sent chills through me. He had me frozen in that moment, that moment that I wanted to last forever. I didn't want to forget how I felt right then, naked and vulnerable in front of him. It was all so wrong but it felt so damn right. He had the power to make me feel so powerless, wanting more of him, all of him. That is anticipation.
What I have been doing wrong all along is separating the two, me from her. We are but one yet I have never allowed myself to accept we are the same. So it is to him that I owe my thanks. He saved a woman that has always insisted she didn't need saving.
Looking back on the writing I have done in the past four months I have had time to evaluate and make sense of this love affair. I needed time to compose my perspective to be able to share it freely. When I initially posted this writing, it was without a foreword and so I took it down to have time to explain to him and prepare him and be sure he understood where my writing comes from, And to do that, I had to explain Belle. He had already met her but he had no idea about her. Talks have been had, understandings have been met and now I want to share with all of you reading, what happens when I go there....
It has been a secret lust for years. Everyone has one. That one person you can never have, that is untouchable, forbidden. He is mine. For all the years I have known him, we have been respectfully platonic. There has never been an exchange of glances or sly grins, no sexual innuendos, no teasing or foreplay. We are co-workers. He was a married man, I was a married woman. We are both well respected professionals. But not this night, no, this night we were none of the above.
Both of us now unattached and still I saw him as untouchable and he is most certainly still forbidden. Bound by the constraints of a working relationship, it wasn't until a perhaps not-so-innocent comment he made about not having sex in over a year that I decided to take a huge risk and proposition him. We left work just an hour after that comment was made and my head was reeling. I let that moment go too long, allow time to pass and I may never get another window. And so as soon as I walked in my door, a quick message through social media to him was sent.
"I wasn't going to go there, but you did so...my number is ###-###-####, just say when and where."
And then I held my breath. it is not too often I act without thinking things through. I justified it by telling myself that lusting for him for 20 years was more than enough time to think this through. But I knew this was a great risk. I value my relationships with my co-workers. Their respect means a lot to me. I had so much to lose.
An instant reply and he was in. Just. Like. That. Things don't happen like that in my personal life. As Belle, maybe. But not as me. And just like that night at work, I wasn't going to let any time pass so I set it up for last night. Somewhere in all of this, somehow, Belle took over. Maybe it was just too much for me to handle. I don't behave like this, this is Belle's territory. So I handed her the steering wheel and we went for a little ride.
I booked a room and sent him on a little treasure hunt to find the key. He had no idea what he was looking for until my directions led him to it. Attached to the key was the hotel card and room number. I have never booked a room for random sex. Hell, Belle has never booked a room for random sex! He sent me a text with the assurance he would be waiting there for me and that he was looking forward to it. I had to work last night but knew I would be leaving early. I tried so hard to focus on my job at hand but my palms were sweaty and my heart was pounding. This was becoming a messy combination of Belle and myself and the thought of the two combining terrified the hell out of me. It wasn't all Belle, she doesn't get nervous and sweaty. And this isn't me, I would never approach a man in such an aggressive way. But together the two of us were in such intense anticipation for what the night would bring.
Finally, just 2 hours into my shift (that seemed like a lifetime that night), I was sent home. Home? Oh hell no, there won't be any going home for me tonight....