The Rollercoaster

8AM: It’s a long way up. I get on the ride, everyone is locked in and it begins. The slow steep incline. I’m barely moving, I hear the chains rattling as my car aims for the sky. There is an uncertainty in my mind. I’m either going to love this ride or hate it.

I’ve just gone to bed a few short hours ago and it seems I haven’t slept a wink. I hate mornings. The kids are fighting, the best way to wake me in the worst of moods. I left some unfinished business last night when I went to bed. 7 shots of tequila to end the evening left me not caring much for justifying my only evening out in a very long time. I am regretting leaving the situation to deal with now, as I am not in any more of a mood for it now than I was a before I went to bed. I need a smoke and then I will contemplate what kind of a day I am going to make this.

11AM: I’ve hit the top of the incline, now it’s the plummet. It took a while to get up here yet the drop takes but a fraction of a second. There is no way to prepare, it just hits me like a tonne of bricks. I want to puke; I’m surely not going to live through this.

I’ve had two Timmies, can’t count how many smokes and I’m feeling alright. No hangover, unrightfully so. But not complaining. I’m missing my nana, but I push the thought away. The sun is shining; I should make my way outside sometime soon. Don’t want it to be another wasted day in front of my computer. Then again, maybe one more day in my pajamas won’t hurt, it’s not like anyone is going to notice. Will there ever be someone to notice? That’s exactly what I need, someone to stop by and say “Hey, it’s one o’clock in the afternoon, get your shit together girl!” Today I’m glad there is no one. Pajamas it is, I’ll pick myself up tomorrow.

3PM: Going up, way up. Hitting that upside down loop that leaves butterflies in my stomach. This is the part of the ride that keeps me coming back for more. The rollercoaster is so worth it, knowing this part. Loop after loop at full speed, no gravity, nothing holding me back. Everything whizzes by and all I can feel is the fresh air against my face and butterflies. I love the butterflies.
I don’t know what has gotten into me. Perhaps it is the long awaited sun after a cold and gloomy winter, perhaps it’s the alignment of the stars or maybe, just maybe I am coming into my sexuality, appreciating my womanhood and opening up to the possibilities of a whole new life for myself. Whatever it is, it is wonderful and beautiful and almost overwhelming. I imagine happiness, it is so close to me, so profound that it becomes something I can almost touch. It has a shape, it has presence. I can imagine the life I want, not as in to dream of it but I can see it, close my eyes and live it. It is here and I am there, it is so complete.

8PM:. I come out of the loop, my heart racing. My palms are sweaty, my hair tasseled. It’s time to get off. I begin to feel grounded, like an addict coming down from the high. I close my eyes. My car slows down and comes to a stop. I look like hell, they can tell there were many ups and downs. But that’s what the ride is all about. What’s a rollercoaster without the ups and downs? It wouldn’t be a coaster if it had one but not the other. That’s the thrill of the ride. The ups mean nothing without the downs. And same goes the other way.

It’s surreal at first, to be racing through the clouds just a moment ago, then having to place my feet on the ground. But it is this very ground that reminds me who I am. It reminds me why I got on in the first place. It’s the not knowing what to expect. We spend so much time trying to plan our lives so that everything is just so but is that what we really want? Do we really want to know what lies ahead for us? Do we not set ourselves up for disappointment by expecting something and not having it not be there for us?

Everyone sees me now, I must stand tall and not waver. I must walk off as I walked on, strong and confident. They are looking at me, summing up how their experience will be as they await their turn on the ride and I cannot disappoint. I smile. It was one hell of a ride and they can be sure I’ll be back again tomorrow. It may not be the same ride, but as long as it has the ups to go with the downs, I’ll keep showing up.