Thursday, November 09, 2017

Are you in love with me yet? Pt 2

After reading part 1 you may think it was written out of hurt, that I had surrendered and accepted defeat. I can assure you that although staying committed to my pact hasn't been naturally easy, it has been a beautiful blessing. It is still automatic for me to feel a slight hint of jealousy. It is still automatic for me to want to own or limit. I still find myself defaulting to the rules. It had been ingrained in me my entire life to react that way. But now I am aware when those feelings arise and I talk them down. I acknowledge them, rationalize them, then talk them down in my head and they go away. They aren't really how I feel, they are just an auto response.

My relationship with Him, the same Him I've written about in recent posts had been the biggest test in my pact. And I have written so much about him as of late because it was a very defining relationship for me. One I wish everyone had the chance to be a part of. We had great sex. If you read my post about great sex you will know exactly what I mean by that. But it wasn't purely sexual. We hung out a lot. Concerts, pool at the local bar, karaoke, sitting on the front step talking until the sun comes up, road trips, camping...we truly enjoyed one another's company.

He had everything any woman would possibly want in a man, everything a woman could fall in love with. He was attentive, smart, sexy, great in bed, great taste in music. I could have easily fallen in love...if I was the same woman I was many years ago. I could have easily wanted to own him, to call him mine. I could have limited his life, put rules on how he lived it and tried sculpting him into the perfect package of a man I had tried with all others before him.

But He was different. For the first time, the most amazing man walked into my life and treated me better than any man ever had. I trusted him more than any other, opened up to him more than any other, truly enjoyed being in his presence more than any other. He was better in bed than any other, sexier than any other and stimulated me more physically and mentally than any other. And because of all of those things, I did not love him.

After one very passionate night in a hotel room he was getting dressed in the morning and with his sexy swagger walked up to me and hugged me and with a cheeky grin asked, "Are you in love with me yet?". We had talked about love and how we both felt about it so he knew coming up to me and asking me that,  exactly what I would say. "No, I'm not in love with you ". Good", he said. And walked away with the same cheeky grin.

I thought about that conversation when I got home and I smiled. Not loving him was so much better than loving him. Not wanting to hold him back, not wanting to limit his life and place rules on him was so much better than loving him. Seeing him smile every time we are together, having us both look forward to the time we spend doing nothing, doing everything. If we loved one another we would have had many fights by now. We had yet to have one. If we loved one another we would be so cautious in what we say, how we look, how we act. And because we didn't love, we were just ourselves, all the time. No expectations, no hurt feelings, no jealousy, nothing to complicate these two wonderful people just trying to get through life.

No, I don't love you. I love how you make me feel; about myself, about life. I love how you kiss me, I love the feeling of your skin against mine. I love your arms around me, your laugh, your smile, your scent. I love that you're unpredictable and a little crazy, I love your off the wall thoughts. I love our conversations, our silence, our time together, our time apart. I love that you accept me and ask nothing more of me, I love that you can open up to me and feel free to be yourself.  But no I do not love you because not loving you is so much better.

Are you in love with me yet? Pt 1

I was raised as most were, to believe in love and that it is the basis of all relationships. And so as I grew up and began dating I was in search of that love I had heard all about. I fantasized about dating, getting married and growing old with someone that I could love. And with every failed relationship I felt more and more worthless. There was something wrong with me, something unlovable. I had such a strong attachment to relationships and love that when things didn't work out I internalized that failure. Because love, true love is what I was taught embodied the perfect relationship, it is what we as women were to strive for. But time and time again I failed to love or be loved.

So love. What did that look like to me? Love was possession. He was to be mine, I was to be his. When I felt jealous, to me I was in love. I had ownership over him, he was to only want me. And so when a man became jealous because of me it was only natural to assume he loved me. So to me, love was jealousy.

 Limiting. Love was about limits. No longer were you able to go out with friends when you wanted to, nor was he. Why? Because we have each other now? I am not sure how that came to be but love put limits on the who, what, when and wheres of how you live life. You were no longer your own person, free to be who you wanted to be. Now there are limits. He doesn't like how you do your hair or wear those tight jeans, it leads men on. Because love isn't about wearing those jeans because they make you feel good as a woman, it's about toning it down to a level he accepts. That is the love I was taught.

Rules. Love comes with lots of rules. You change how you talk to other men, being sure to not upset him by throwing out a fun flirty smile or even a simple laugh at another man's joke. You take caution in everything you say and do not wanting to upset him. So love becomes fear, walking on egg shells and again not being true to who you are because now you have rules. For all those things he fell in love with you for, the tight jeans, the fun flirty smile, the laughing at his jokes were a threat. And then, because you are no longer that person he fell in love with only because he asked you not to be, he walks away. Or, you decide you can no longer live life that way with him and you walk away.

So love then became very confusing for me. I wanted it so bad. But when I had it I despised it so I destroyed it. And each time i walked away feeling more defeated than before. My last significant relationship ended five years ago. I made sure I beat that one to the ground doing everything I could to get out. The highs were so high but the lows were unbearable. I wasn't allowed to eat, breathe or think without him dictating how I was to do it. When I walked away I made a pact with myself. My love will remain with my kids. They are the only ones that deserve it, that understand it, that will ever hear it come from my lips. I let go of my belief in a romanticized love. And my journey began.

Since then, having had a few relationships I still have not said those words. The difference between then and now is that I feel free having let go of all the limits and rules that come with love. I am truly free. I do not want to be owned, nor do I want to own anyone. I do not want to be limited nor do I want to limit anyone. I want to wear those tight jeans, do my hair or not do my hair, go out or not go out. I just want to be me. I am a strong independent woman. I don't need any man's love to hold me back. And aside from my kids, the only love I need to give is to myself. Love myself enough to allow failure, defeat, be humbled when I triumph and let myself grow as a woman. My love is reserved for me.

What makes great sex, great sex?

I have just in recent years begun to embrace the sexual being that I am. I've begun letting go of the societal norms and accepting that it's okay to be single and explore my sexual desires. And it's okay to do that without love, without commitment.

I've had sex with all types of men. Short, black, old, virgin, professional, thick, gay, trans...I've had them all. So when I speak of what makes great sex great, I do so with much experience. Some say there is no such thing as bad sex but I have to disagree. I've had bad sex. But what I consider to be bad sex, another may not. It all comes down to what you are looking to get out of it. If it's just an orgasm, then bad sex would be hard to come by, especially for a man. But I am not a man and even worse, I am a sexually adventurous woman whose bedroom pleasures are sometimes a little more complex than most women.

First and foremost, the end result for me is not an orgasm. If I get there, then great. I love a good orgasm, don't get me wrong. But some of the best sex I have had did not end with one. I take more pleasure in pleasing my partner than I do him pleasing me. Although the caveat to that would be knowing that pleasing me is the biggest turn on for him. Basically, my highest point of arousal stems from my partner's pleasure. If he is happy, I am happy.

Now good sex, sex that is satisfying to me is uninhibited. Be vocal, be aggressive and allow plenty of time for foreplay! I love touching and kissing, exploring and teasing. Talk to me, let me feel your breath on my skin. Tell me you want me, let me feel it in your touch. Take your time with me, prime me, prepare me before you have your way with me.

As for great sex, mind blowing takes a little more that you can't just plan for. It's that sex you just get lost in. Where every touch sends shivers down my spine. Call it a connection, call it chemistry, call it what you want but this kind of sex is so rare to find. I never felt it with my husband nor any other sexual partner I had had in my life. And it's not to say it was anyone's fault, that the men I have been with just weren't good enough. I just don't think I had sexually matured enough nor had met anyone else that had embraced their sexuality in its entirety to allow for great sex to be. It is to be celebrated once you find it for it is the most beautiful of all sex but once you have experienced it, once you have felt it, you are changed forever. There is no going back. You see sex so differently that accepting  a relationship with anyone who offers anything less satisfying would be undermining your self worth. You then realise that even no sex is better than just plain sex. That's just how good great sex can be!

xo Belle