A woman scorned

Entry for June 08, 2006

Not even Belle can be Belle all of the time.

So now you’ve read about the best of the best in this business. Being an escort has been for me, a very positive part of my life. It has helped to bring me to a place within myself that I find peace in who I am…..until today.

Today I had a glimpse of the “down” side of this business. You would think that for an escort if the “up” side is a great and passionate experience then the “down” side would be a distant, less than desirable meet. But even those “not so great” meets for me, are a lesson to be learned. A chance to better understand someone or to better learn something of myself. So all in all it’s not a down side for me. I know that the experience I provide to the gentlemen I see only lasts an hour or two. But what it does for them emotionally, spiritually lasts much longer. I love knowing what I am able to do for them. But today I got to see just what it does to them when their SO discovers her husband’s encounter with Belle.

An email from a very distraught SO. “…….you are a lost girl, please get help before you die of AIDS and ruin anymore lives”. I won’t go into anymore detail as I am sure you can all just imagine where this goes. I think this is the first, and hopefully the last time I ever get emotionally involved. I read this and my heart sank. How is it that during heat and passion I am able to disconnect myself but when something like this happens I feel the hurt?

I always praise myself for doing good. I truly believe I am a good person and I feel so good about myself when I do good for others. But what do you do when you hurt someone? How do you let yourself be okay with knowing that while you are doing good for some that you run the extreme risk of hurting others? Is it wrong to even feel bad when that hurt you have imposed wasn’t intentional? It is so easy to say that I am not to blame, that these men decide for themselves to see an escort. And while that is true I just can’t help but to feel responsible. I can’t help but to hurt, for him and for her. I know that she has read his reviews about our experiences together. How that must have felt for her! It’s one thing to discover your husband has had an affair, but to read about just how much he liked it!!!

Perhaps this points to somewhere deep down inside of me. My views on marriage, my thoughts on men and relationships. Maybe, just maybe this is part of why I do what I do. I just don’t want to be her. I don’t ever want to feel her pain, her anger. If I don’t let myself feel that love, I won’t have to feel that pain. It seems so simple to me. Here, doing as I do I get to feel that yearning, that way you feel when you know that someone wants you, they feel a need to be near you, to be with you. I need to feel that. Just as I need to feel that passion for a man. The closeness, the nakedness. I know I need that in my life. But a relationship? A meaningful one that requires emotion and brick walls being torn down? This email today just reinforces what I am not prepared to feel. Now to figure out just how to deal with my newest emotion, guilt.