You asked about my blog?

I have been asked many times about my blog. Why do I write it? Do I really believe in what I write? Do I write simply as a form of free advertising? Do I write all my entries or do I have help? How do I decide what to write? Do I embellish my writing to appease those reading it? So here are your answers.

1) Why did I start a blog?

To be honest, I started writing because I was asked to. I wasn’t asked to start a blog, but many clients had mentioned my posts on the review boards and suggested I take that writing one step further. I didn’t know what to with my writing, but I knew that I really wanted a medium to share my experiences. Thus, I created my blog.

2) Why do I continue to write?

What started out as sharing with you an escort’s perspective on the business has now become a journal of my personal life intertwined with the business. This is my way of keeping everything in perspective and finding the proper balance between my personal and my professional life. The paths have crossed, something I never expected to happen. But that is part of being human. I am not mechanical, I am real and I feel it is important that while many of you put the ladies you see on a pedestal, you also see that we are human too. It is therapeutic in a sense, to admit my faults, flaunt my triumphs and openly discuss where I have been and where I am headed.

3) Do I believe in what I write?

I have to. I cannot write about something I have not experienced or do not truly believe in. I just cannot. I have tried writing as a third person and about a place I have never been. It’s not in me to write that way. You will notice as you read my blog the sentence structure is way off. From a grammatical stand point my writing would disgust any editor worthy of his title. But I write the way I do for you to try to feel what I am feeling. My sentences run on and on at times because that is how my mind processes what I want to say. As of late I have been thinking a little more seriously about writing. I have hired an English Professor to critique my blog. Let’s face it, Belle will not be around forever. I will need something to focus on when it’s time for me to say goodbye.

4) Do I write simply as a form of free advertising?

Well, if people who run their own businesses incorporate their time spent on business into their fee I can say that my blog certainly is not “free” advertising. But yes, it is an advertising tool. I just use it for different purposes. If you read through the topics I write about and perhaps try to read between the lines you will see how I have used my blog to be open about awkward things. Clients getting too close is a good example. Do you have any idea how hard it is to meet a client to tell him I can no longer see him because he is becoming too emotionally involved? It’s not easy. I do these things in my blog. It opens up the issues no one wants to talk about. It is the reality of escorting that not all things are pleasant. My blog can at times be a means for saying in open forum what I lack the balls to say one on one. It can be a lot of work but I enjoy it. No, I do not write to advertise my business but yes, I do use it as a business tool. Besides, talking about bed head, bad breath and being late certainly doesn’t increase my business!

5) Do I write all of my own entries or do I have help?

I would hope you all know me better than that but this was a question I was asked in an email. I will only answer it here because I have never met this gent so I suppose it is a fair question. I am the only person who has any access to my blog. I write everything that you read, without the help or insight from anyone else. My life experiences I share with you…..they are true. My escorting experiences…..they are true also. I will never try to give you a false idea of who I am or what I am about. If you can fault me for anything, it can be that at times I get too honest…..but I will never lie. I will hold back from saying something that I might feel would hurt my business or my reputation, but I will not lie. I could never prove this to you, so the best I can do is leave that judgment up to you.

6) How do I decide what to write?

Again, it’s all about how I am feeling when I write. I have always written down my thoughts…..happy, sad, angry…..it’s just how I have always dealt with life. My posts at times come from something I have read. I may have just come from an amazing appointment, something beyond the usual course of business and want to share it with you. I may have just finished listening to a song or reading an email that inspired me. I only write when something has motivated me to write. I cannot sit at my computer and try to think of a topic and then write about it. It just never happens that way. I don’t write under deadlines, this is why you may see several days between posts. I simply cannot write just for the sake of writing.

7) Do I embellish my writing to appease those that are reading?

Pretty much I have answered this above in #5. I try to write about things I think you may be interested in reading, yes. But not always. I don’t write to say things you want to hear. I may write about topics you would like to read about, but what I say about that topic is in my own words. I’d love to say that my life is perfect, this business is perfect and I am perfect. But that isn’t reality, it may be what sells, but it isn’t me.


I have never asked any of you what I should change about my blog. I don’t want to change it, it is what it is. It is there for you to read it if you wish. It is just a blog. A journal. A diary. However you look at it, it’s still just a compilation of my thoughts and my experiences. I am glad some of you enjoy reading it and I apologize to any of you I offend. I write what I feel and sometimes I just don’t feel like being nice!

Thanks for the small things.....

I am having a most wonderful evening tonight. No, sex has not been a part of it (as of yet!) and no, I do not have any company that sex (other than with myself) is even a slight possibility but I am having a wonderful evening none the less.

I have had the fire burning since dinner time. It is amazing how the glow of the flame gives me a sense of ease. I can sit and watch the flames for hours, finding myself getting lost in thought. I think about the small things in my life that have altered my path, those small details that without them happening who knows just how different my life would have been.

It wasn’t until thinking of these things that I realized just how many people I owe thanks to. I would have no idea where to find most of them today, I don’t even know the names of most of them. But I want to say thanks to them anyways.

1) Thanks to the lady I sat beside in the hallway of the emergency room with the police in 1989. You stopped me from taking the rest of the pills I had in my pants pocket that night. They were going to release me until I thought about what you said and I did not trust myself to go home. I asked for help that night.

2) Thanks to the man on my train ride to BC in 1990 for the $5 you gave me. I had too much pride to admit it but I was starving! You taught me to never forget how hungry I was.

3) Thanks to the teacher that ran across the field to pick me up after a “friend” had beaten me up. You told me those tears would make me a stronger person some day. I didn’t understand what you meant until a man followed me home one night when I was 16. I stopped a lady in her car and asked her to drive me home that night. I would have been too embarrassed to do that if I didn’t learn from shedding those tears to stand up for myself.

4) Thanks to Mrs. Mckinley, my high school cross country coach for being so supportive when I dropped out of school. You set me up with the tools I needed to get through the next few years. You didn’t criticize or condemn, you were the only one to believe I would find my way some day. It’s now 16 years later and I’m happy to say I think I have finally found it, or atleast on the right track!

5) Thanks to Kip. If you only knew what your friendship meant to me 16 years ago. I certainly would not be who I am today without your quirky outlook on life. I now own a pair of red socks to live for too and when I see them in my drawer they make me laugh….every single day! Some days that chuckle has been my everything.

6) To my high school sweetheart. You were the first to give me love, I wouldn’t have known what that was like had I not met you. I have never felt those butterflies since. You were my first high school dance partner, I still remember how giddy I was. We spent 4 crazy years together. You gave me more than you will ever know. You and I were not meant to last, but that feeling I had every time I was with you, was. Next time, I won’t settle for anything less than the butterflies.

7) Thanks to the crappy real estate agent I used to buy my first house. I swore I would get my real estate license and prove that some really saw the business as more than an income. I sucked at selling houses but I went after something I really wanted. I worked hard and I did it. I was far too honest for real estate but I learned a valuable lesson. I learned that no matter how bad I wanted something in life, I just could not sacrifice my morals to get it. A lesson I have carried into this business with me.

8) Thanks to my kids for always asking “Why?” It drove me crazy for many years, “Why?, Why?, Why? About everything. Depending on my mood my answer was anything from some long winded brilliant explanation to “Just because” or “For God’s sake please do not ask me why one more time!” Now every time I ask “Why me? Why?” I give myself a kick in the ass for asking such an annoying question!

9) Thanks to Padre who works at Santana Beach Resort in La Romana. Without knowing it, you opened my eyes up to someone inside of me that was screaming to come out! My first moped ride, my first time peeling sugar cane and my first time being naked on a beach. While it took me a few years to bring that part of me to life again you showed me that she was in there!

10) Thanks for my very good friend, you know who you are! Ten years of joking, teasing and spilling to you my life story. Thanks for supporting me when I have needed you to and opening my eyes for me when I have been too blind to see what I needed to see. Thanks for the shoulder to cry on Christmas Eve, the hand to hold as I started out in this business and for your sense of humour which keeps me sane. You keep me grounded and lately I know I have really needed that! I know there would never have been a Belle if it weren’t for you, so thanks... for just being you.

New Orleans

New Orleans, a city in great despair? Yes, Katrina set upon New Orleans total devastation. Over 1500 deaths, thousands left homeless, thousands more forced to relocate. But during my recent visit to NOLA I witnessed rebuilding, smiling faces and a city whose attitude was not defeat. I spent my stay in the French Quarter and therefore I was mostly in the company of tourists, but the point is….there were people there. Bars were open, bands were playing and while I had never had the opportunity to visit NOLA before something told me “This is just how NOLA should be”.

The restaurants were busy tending to rumbling stomachs, the hotels still had bodies hanging over the railings in hopes to give away strands of beads. There were sax players giving their soul to anyone who would stop to listen. The beignets and hot chocolate at Café Du Monde even had New Orleans flavor. The oysters at Acme Oyster house were excellent! (They even let you take home your shells without sneering at you when you ask!)

Zydeco music was pouring out the French Quarter bars, my first introduction to the genre. Krazy Corner was where it was at! Bands with washboards draped over their shoulders made playing the spoons look so simple. I managed to get an autographed CD from these guys! (Not to mention an aggressive hair pull from the “obviously bi” washboard player in dreadlocks!).

Le Booze was a great bar to start out with! Just a small bar with bar stools but they served up one hell of a Bloody Mary (don’t ever ask for a Caesar in Nola, it gets quite confusing) and a view of the street for people watching that couldn’t have been better. When the rain is pouring (and believe it or not it’s so perfect to have rain while strolling the French Quarter) GumbOlaya was a nice retreat for a mimosa and a hot bowl of gumbo to warm up with.

Then I discovered Pat O’Brien’s. I will leave the link for you at the bottom of this post. If you visit New Orleans, you MUST visit Pat O’Brien’s! Dueling pianos with copper tops and riveted leather casings. Request a song written on a napkin and they will play it for you. Not only did they play ‘Oh Canada’ for me but most of the bar sang along too! (Which was only fair as I sang along with ‘God Bless America’ so many times I could barely speak!) There is no dance floor but if you choose to work the bar with attempts at dancing, there’s plenty of room! A great atmosphere especially with Alvin playing his thimbles. Another link below to read of the legacy of Pat O’Brien’s original thimble player (and 67 year employee) Eddie Gabriel. What an amazing story!

I spent so much time letting loose at Pat Obrien’s that I did not make it to many of the Bourbon Street hot spots save one. Coyote Ugly…. I love the movie, I love the reality show and now I can officially say I have “been there, done that”. Yes, the girls in their cowboy boots dancing on the bar top. Hundreds of bras strung from the ceiling. There is no other drink to be had here but a beer, a man’s drink. Unfortunately the bar was empty so it was a little disappointing, but this will not stop me from checking it out again on my next visit!

Southern Architecture, Creole and Seafood, Zydeco and Jazz, beads and more beads. It was all still there just as it was prior to Katrina. Homes are being rebuilt, lives are being put back together. The atmosphere which is the heart and soul of New Orleans was vibrant, promising and very present….. something I don’t think any amount of water could wash away!


http://www.patobriens.com/courtyardrestaurant.html

http://www.patobriens.com/mreddiegabriel.html

Hotel vs. Motel

Hotel vs. Motel. I suppose each lady has her preference but here is my take. You see it on escort websites quite often. “I only visit upscale hotels”. I have often wondered why that is. Perhaps a lady in this business may feel more respected by entering through those large lobby doors, the ride up the elevator a sign that she is of a higher class. Maybe she needs that defining experience to justify to herself that what she is doing is not wrong, nor is it dirty as long as there is a white duvet on the bed. Not to say that there is anything wrong with that, if that is what makes her feel comfortable in what she does for a living.

When I talk to women in the business about this, they seem to think that that the men they see in a hotel will treat them much better than the men they would see in a motel. My experience has not proven this to be true. Yes, a knock on a hotel door will likely be opened by a man in a business suit. Does that make him any more clean or respectful than the man in jeans and a tee at the motel? Not so, in my opinion.

I have learned in life to not judge a book by it’s cover. My life is a prime example of how the book certainly does not read as one would expect from the cover. I do not judge as I do not wish to be judged. Look at what I do for a living. When it comes down to it, a man can be kind and gentle in a suit or sweats. A man can be abusive in a suit or sweats. So if it not an issue of “presentation is everything”, I suppose some women may feel more safe in a hotel.

Again, my experience has not proven this to be true. I had a “call gone bad” last summer. Yes, it was in a motel. I was mad, at him and at myself as I had let my guard down. I was sickened with the fact that he thought he could hurt me and get away with it. When I got out the door I ran over to the manager’s office in tears. He called the police for me and sat with his arms around me as I cried. He never questioned what happened. He never questioned calling for help. Would I have received that same treatment in a hotel? Likely not.

When I walk into the motels, I know the owner is aware of what is going on. The more familiar motels, I have met the owners. I want them to know me, to trust me and to respect me. And they do. They wave as I pull in, they wave as I leave. I know they take great care of my clients, especially when it comes to respecting their need for anonymity. I feel safe there. They may not understand why I do what I do but they don’t need to. They just need to be there if I need help and for the majority of them, I trust that they are.


I try to picture my “call gone bad” happening in an upscale hotel. Would I have felt so free to walk up to the front desk in tears and ask for help? Would they have whisked me away to some private room to hide me from their guests before calling for help? Would they have just directed me to a pay phone across the street? Would they have sat with me until the police arrived? Likely not.

Sure, it’s nice to be in a fancy room. Everything brightly decorated, plenty of room to walk around. But let’s face it, if it has a bed it serves its’ purpose. It’s not about the room for me. It’s not about the revolving doors, the paintings on the wall or the elevator ride. It’s about being respected and feeling safe. I walk into the motels and not have to try scuttling past a front desk who have seen me three times this week. I don’t have to hide or feel embarrassed by what I choose to do. I don’t have to pretend I am something I am not nor pretend I am not something that I am. The motels, they know what I am doing. There is nothing to hide. Sure, the bad guys are out there. They are in hotels, they are in motels but would you believe that the majority of bad calls (since I have been in the business) have been happening during house calls! Yes, men calling for women and abusing them in their own homes!

You don’t weed these guys out by not visiting homes or motels. You weed these guys out by being street smart. You trust your instincts. The sad reality is that there is a certain risk in this business. It is a risk us ladies are all aware of. Hotels, motels……there is the same amount of risk but at least the motels know who I am. They know I am there, the know the client I am seeing and they look out for me. Yes, I love warm white duvets and big fluffy pillows but I also appreciate the security of knowing there are another set of eyes and ears looking out for my safety.

So when a client apologizes for requesting to see me at a motel I go the extra bit to let him know I do not mind at all. It’s not about the cover, it’s about the good read.

Website changes.....

Just a quick one tonight to say that I have made some changes to my website, finally! Yes, you will see my blog located in my new "Forums" section of the site. I will be maintaining my blog for a short time here on Blogger, but within the next month or so you will only be able to access it from my website.

The forum section of my website will have similar format as most review boards do but the content will be much different. Because I recieve so many emails about the issues I talk about in my blog I felt it a good idea to move it to an area that would be a little more interactive for those that would like to comment or discuss in more detail the things I write about. This move also allows me to copyright my writing which was important to me.

I hope you enjoy the new look and feel and to keep your anonymity you can view my blog from my website without registering as a user. It is a new format for me as much as it is for you so please be patient as I fine tune the forums. Same blog, same Belle, just moving forward!

You can view my website at www.niagarasbelle.com and click on the "Forum" link or view it directly from here : http://www.niagarasbelle.com/forum/index.php

Story time

Time to tell you a little story. Grab a coffee, sit back, put your feet up and let me take you back to a time in my life. It’s personal, in fact the most personal I think I have ever been with any of you but since a great many of you have been such a big part of my journey I feel it only fair to share. It has nothing to do with escorting and everything to do with me. Nothing juicy, nothing erotic and for that I apologize but tonight I am simply reflecting. I am going to go back to my late teens. 18 years old and I met a guy. He was so handsome and I was head over heels for him. I was working midnights at Tim Horton’s on Old Island Highway in Victoria B.C.. He was what I dreamed of as a little girl. Tall, handsome and said all of the right things to sweep me off my feet.

I wanted to get married and have kids. That was my dream. I moved in with him and his brother just two weeks after we met. He gave me everything I needed at the time. I needed approval, acceptance, and praise. He showered me with compliments, we had sex twice a day and life was good. I was young and needy. You ladies know what it is like when you are young. You know nothing about life, love, relationships. Everything is so superficial.

Just one month later and I was pregnant. I was happy, elated that I was to have something of my very own. Yes, I looked at my baby as a possession. Someone that needed me, could not survive without me and loved me unconditionally. I was selfish. I wanted that baby for me. I did not try to get pregnant, but I didn’t try to stop it and I was happy. I pictured a “Happy Ever After”, the dream, the fairy tale.

We had a rocky road for several years. I moved back to Niagara and he followed. We set up home and life was still good. Our baby was born and we were a family. I loved becoming a mom. It was the prize, the title, the answer to finding my identity. After five years, the flame was snuffed out. There was no more sex. When I say no more, I mean there was no interest. Yes, I did it to keep him. I needed to hold on to that dream. If I lost him, I lost me. We had more children, beautiful children and I started to find myself in them. I knew I had lost him. But I had to keep that lie for my children. They were now my life, my everything. When they hurt, I died inside. There is no greater pain.

We married seven years after we met. It was a shot gun wedding, but had to do it for my children. The marriage was a final attempt to keep up the lie. Definitely not a reason to get married! Divorce was inevitable from the start but I was willing to accept that I would sacrifice all of me for my children. I would not travel, I would not go back to school, I would not live but for my children. That is what a parent does. I needed to give them that. I felt I belonged with that ring on my finger. I had a place in life. I was always searching for that place. I thought by wearing that ring it at least would appear to others that life was good when it was no longer. I was willing to accept that this was my life and I didn’t look back. I wouldn’t let myself wish things were different, couldn’t think of anything on the outside. This was my box and as long as my kids were happy, I was happy. Perhaps I could believe it myself.

What was supposed to be something to help me find my identity turned out to be something that took my identity away. I was no longer me. I was a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister…I was something to everyone, always a title but never just me. But I was okay with that because I was giving to my children everything they deserved. Those few that knew me enough to figure it out begged me to leave. There was no spark in my eyes. My soul was empty and I was hurting. I cried, I cried and I cried. I cried because I knew it had to end. I knew I had to face my children. I let them down, I failed at giving them the life that I fought so hard to give them. But it was out of my control. Sometimes things happen and there is not a damn thing we can do about it. This was one of those times.

So I sat there with my children and I cried. I tried to be strong, my older ones tried to be strong but in the end we all cried. The next morning and my kids woke to me sitting in the living room. Life was going to be different now, little did I know it would get better. I did not grieve for losing my marriage. I had had years to do that. It was over before it began. For the first time in my life I felt a sense of relief. I was able to start over. I could have cried with my children now but I sat them down and said “This is going to be fun!” If I took on the tone of defeat, they would too. And that would make them what I had been all my life. Needy and always looking for someone to accept them. I refuse to lead them into that life. No, this was going to be a journey for all of us. And thus far it has been a great one. They wake up and go to bed each day smiling. I can’t say they always did that before. And me? Most days I do too.

Timing is everything and I know I was meant to be on this journey right now. I can see outside of the box. I have been able to travel. It sounds so simple to most I assume but for me is exhilarating. It is freedom. To hop on a plane to another land, new experiences, new dreams. Some things that you will see me write about in the next few entries. Truly something that just six months ago I had never thought I would do. I have been learning about life and what I want in mine. I have been learning about myself. Learning that I don’t need someone to accept me, I need to accept me. I don’t need someone to praise me, I need to praise myself. And I do. I praise myself for not giving up and going after what I want in life. I praise myself for being able to give my children the same hopes and dreams.

Do I write this for you to give me praise? Not at all. In fact it is in hopes that someone within the 1,000 hits I get a week to this site is lost within themselves. Victim of circumstance so to speak. I know there is, I have read the emails. There is life and promise within yourself. Just do some searching. It is amazing what lies for you beyond that box!

Belle is venting, duck!

I think I have posted in a previous entry that I just can not be Belle all of the time! She is annoyingly sweet, revoltingly nice to everyone and is so humble I want to puke at times! So I have put Belle away for the night and I am going to vent. I am only human and yes, there are times I just get down right pissed off!

I have spent so much time writing entries about the wonderful side to escorting. The compliments, the friendships, the travels, the sex, the money. Well, here is a dose of the bullshit. The being nice when all you want to say is “Fuck you”. Supporting the women in the industry when you’d love to bring them down. Being attacked in public forum and not wanting to risk your reputation by standing up for yourself. Showering 2-5 times a day, shaving 2x a day. Making sure you are stocked with flavored condoms before you leave the house. Sneaking out of the house to check phone messages, hours on the computer trying to keep up an image when at times you don’t care to be nice.

Working out appointments between dance classes and doctors appointments. Going out in the rain and snow in heels and a see through shirt because you’re not good enough to show up in slacks and a sweater. Listening to guys tell you how great you are only in the hopes of bargaining a discounted rate. Unwarranted advice about how you should run your business, being condemned for not being you….when the “you” they are talking about isn’t even you! Being told how to dress, to wear perfume, to not wear perfume. To wear the black bra, the red panties, the white garter and the grey silk thong all within 5 hours!

Knocking on the door to find he has given you the wrong room number, having to tell guys that I won’t suck their toes and I reserve my urinating for private moments, preferably in a washroom. Having to ask to shower alone, the smell of KW soap, the coldness of crisp sheets in a minus 10 degree room. Smiling on days I just want to cry. Having wild crazy sex when I just want to feel a man’s arms around me. Trying to make everyone happy but feeling you have failed them all. Pretending you have such great control over your life when in reality you are falling apart.

Leaving my pocket rocket behind, leaving my condoms behind. Running late, being lied to by guys that think I don’t know any better. Worrying that I offend my clients, fearing I am not being true to myself. Getting paid to be Belle but knowing that time with just me can’t even be given away for free. Wanting time at the gym to work out and feel good but can barely find the time to eat. Finally get to the gym, renew my membership to realize my credit card is declined. Call to realize I paid $150 and not the $1500 I thought I did last week. Go home, check the bank account to realize I not only underpaid my credit card but my newspaper subscription is good until 2010.

Stopping off at the grocery store to pick up a few “must haves” for dinner, then to an appointment and back home to cook a dinner that you then realize you still didn’t get what you need at the store. Getting dressed at 11 am for an appointment, which shouldn’t be hard save for the fact that since my divorce I haven’t been able to sleep more than an hour at a time. Writing blogs like this when I know I am emotionally motivated and should just go to bed and sleep on it! AAARRRRGGGG!!!! Sweet dreams everyone!

Making love

Making love. It’s a beautiful term. It sounds so romantic and passionate but do you have to be in love with someone to make love with them? I am not one that falls for the sweetness of romance. I don’t allow myself to get caught up in that moment and have it lead to the possibility of undying love but I do enjoy those moments that come as close as I will let it, to making love.

These moments are a rare occurrence for me. Times that I completely let go of my surrounding. I let go of Belle and the show she puts on. I let go of the fact that I am in bed naked with a stranger. I let go of the fact that I am being paid to be there with him. In fact, these moments cause me to feel almost guilty for collecting when I leave. I say almost simply because when I collect I am safe. It is a business transaction and at times like this especially, I need to keep that in perspective.

I met a man recently. A man with a smile that would make any woman melt. His eyes so intense I could feel him looking right through me. A man who, when standing next to me, would make my legs tremble. A man I knew I had to be naked with. He gave to me a fantasy I never knew I yearned for. I suppose I can’t really call it a fantasy because it was not an experience I had dreamed of but if I were to have had a fantasy, this would have been it!

I was at an event recently, an event he was attending as well. It was unrelated to this business but I suppose technically we would not have met if it were not for my connections I have made from within. It was an informal meet which left me plenty of time to spend with him. We had only met hours earlier and I found myself desperately hanging on his every word, my thoughts drifting to visions of him undressing for me. I could feel his breath on my lips when he spoke, even though we were not in a close enough proximity for that to be possible. Damn do I ever love my imagination.

We were to be attending this event for 5 days. Five days of trembling, heart pounding, sweat inducing thoughts. He would be talking of the weather, I would be thinking sex. He would talk about the sights of the city, I would be thinking sex. It was such torture, such wonderful torture. Oxymoron? Perhaps. But I could not stop imagining the two of us, a bed and all of the time in the world.

We would tease each other with words, enticing one another to the point of us both being sure that at some point during this event we would follow through with our desires. It was fun to wake every day and go to sleep every night wanting him, feeling him and just wishing he’d come close enough to me to feel his body against mine. Our third day and he did just that. It was a simple brush of his hand down my arm. Innocent to most but erotic to me. I went to bed that night feeling his touch. It wasn’t much but yet it was everything. I woke up early on the fourth morning of my stay and could hear him sleeping just a few feet from where I stood. I could have likely walked into his room and had my way with him right then and there. I sat at the table and just listened. I closed my eyes and imagined the things I would do to him, the things he would do to me. For one hour I just sat there.

As I heard him stir I headed outside for some fresh air. It was awkward for me. As Belle I have no problem being sexually aggressive. I enjoy being blunt about what I want. I love to walk up to a man and tell him I want him to f*** me. But this was not the place nor the time for Belle. And quite frankly, I am glad she wasn’t there. I liked feeling shy again. I liked the anticipation, the “not knowing” what would or would not happen during our time together. He made me feel like me again and it’s been a long time since I have been able to fully connect with myself that way.

My last night. It was now or never. I knew we’d likely never see each other again. I knew it had to happen. This was something I could not leave without regret and I don’t believe in regrets. I was waiting for him to make that first move. Just like kids in high school, it wouldn’t have been the great experience that it turned out to be if I had made that move. I needed to know that he wanted me like I wanted him. And he indeed wanted me.

He came out wearing jeans, his chest bare. My body trembled and I felt that awkward feeling once again. If I didn’t escape this moment I would have made a fool of myself by acting on impulse. If this was to happen it would be because we wanted it to, not because I threw myself at him. I don’t think I could have him sit across from me and hold a conversation with him. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t even think….aside from thinking how badly I wanted him to touch me, to hold my head against his bare chest and yes, make love to me.

So that brings me back to the term “making love”. I don’t know him aside from what I have learned these past few days. I don’t know his goals in life, his experiences that have lead him to where he is at in his life. He doesn’t know of my fears or my joys in life. We know nothing of one another besides the apparent fact that there is a strong connection that needs to be made tonight. Can we make love without being in love?

I stood to walk outside, my escape from an awkward moment. He took hold of my hand as I passed him and I knew there would be no more waiting. This would be it, the moment I have agonized over since meeting him just a few short hours prior. He led me to his room. This was the first time I had been led by the hand to a man’s bed. It made me want him even more. I didn’t think that would be possible. I undressed and lay myself upon the bed, my naked body writhing in anticipation as I watched him undress. He hovered atop my body and I placed my arms on his chest. I wanted to close my eyes so I could memorize the feel of his skin but his eyes drew me in. There was something in the way he looked at me, something I have not seen in a man’s eyes before. I still am not too sure just what it was but I know I will never forget that moment.

He bent down to kiss me. I had to close my eyes. I didn’t want to be aware of anything around me, be aware of anything but the taste of his tongue, his kiss. We spent the evening fondling each other. I can still feel his hands running up and down my back as I moved my body up and down his. We took our time, we were in no rush. There was no driver waiting for me, no cell phones to go off telling us our time was up. It was just him and I, naked, and all of the time in the world. Yes, the sex was amazing but not for reasons you would think. It wouldn’t have been so wonderful without the smile I would see when I looked down at him. It wouldn’t have been so wonderful without the look in his eyes I would see as I looked up at him. It wouldn’t have been so wonderful if I had made the first move. And it wouldn’t have been so wonderful if I collected at the end. This was not a show. It was just the two of us doing what a man and a woman were meant to do. I left his room feeling safe. Something I didn’t think would be possible. Something I have fought so hard to feel. I let go, I opened myself up, I did not collect and I still felt safe.

So, is it possible to make love without being in love? If making love is being in a place of pure ecstasy and not wanting to be with anyone else in that moment, then yes, we made love. If making love is letting go to the point that you have forgotten how and why you are there, just knowing that you do not want the moment to end, then yes we made love. I don’t love him, he does not love me but I have do doubt we made love that night.

Untitled....

I’ll be the first to admit that this entry is strictly me thinking out loud. Another entry written out of my usual form yet something I felt I needed to say. Although most of my writings are for you, this one is for me....


Ever say the wrong thing to someone? The one thing that you know after you say it is there is no taking it back. There is no fixing it, no explaining it. It has been said and there is nothing you can do about it. Why do we do things like that to ourselves? As an escort, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes we forget our role we are expected to play out for all of you. This goes back to a few entries ago, making friendships within the business. When does the role of “escort” end and the role of “friend” come into play? How do you differentiate the two and know when it is appropriate to be either/or?

The one thing I love in this business is having others to share this experience with. People to talk to and relate to. To be able to share with others who understand and respect what I do. The one thing I hate in this business is the same thing that I love about this business. Sometimes the roles get crossed and things about the business may be said that can and will offend and hurt others. It just strengthens my wonder if friendships can be made from within. Maybe it should be kept strictly business. Maybe I have no right crossing those lines. Perhaps I should not toggle between the two. Perhaps I should not get too close in a way that I leave myself open to such situations, or to leave any of you open to such situations. Not get too close in a way that leaves me feeling like I do tonight.

My very first post to all of you on the review boards was that I take pleasure in making others happy. That is my gift to all of you, my gift to me as well. I have taken great pride in knowing that in some small way I have made an hour of your day a little brighter, two hours of your day a little brighter and for some every day a little brighter. That is my intent, my pleasure and my job. My job is not to involve myself with any of you in any other way. But I am human and at times I go against my better judgment in search of something more outside of Belle. Now I realize just how selfish that can sometimes be.

Is it possible that I can have amazing sex with you one day then talk about the weather the next day and not have you offended that I do not wish to discuss our encounter? It seems so simple to me but I do not see this world from your eyes. I can keep the two identities separate, I have to…but can you? Yes, I love sex and I love my job but just like any of you, when my job is done…it’s done. Is it wrong that I am not Belle all of the time? Is it wrong to ask of you to respect that?

When I first started out as an escort I had very clear lines. Nothing personal, my time always paid for and I gave nothing of myself personally. It was fun and it was simple. But I needed more, I wanted more. I never expected to meet people whom I would want to give anything more of myself to. For me to be confused by that is okay, but for you to be confused by that is not right. Just how am I to know what you expect of me if you do not tell me? Should I assume that when you strike up a conversation with me you are expecting Belle? Do I have a problem with that if that is what you are expecting? No, absolutely not. But I do have a problem with reading between the lines.

As Belle I try very hard to not assume I am anything but Belle to you. Some seem to get offended if I step outside of Belle, some get offended if I don't. I am good at many things, reading minds is not one of them. I don't play games. I try to be very honest and upfront about who I am and what I am willing to give. I wish some had the respect to do the same.

So in keeping this a short entry tonight just let me say that at any given time you happen to see me, either in person or online please tell me who the **** you’d like to talk to! It would make things so much easier for me. I will know what you expect from me this way and I can be sure not to cross the lines or disappoint you in any way. And to the one who inspired this blog entry, I apologize for being me.

People watching

Observing people. This is something I love to do when I am out. It doesn’t matter where I am be it work, vacation or just wandering the streets window shopping. I always wonder where their minds are. Where are they headed, where have they just come from? Are they like me and just out for some fresh air or are they frantically searching for that one thing that every store seems to be out of? What is their story? Children? School? Spouse? Kids? None of these things really matter to me, just a part of people watching.

I went for a walk today, finding myself in need of clearing my mind. I went along the parkway for some alone time then found myself peering through store windows and wondering something I had never thought of before. What do these people think of me as they pass by? I have always wondered about others but never gave thought to what they think when they see me. Do they size me up in a similar way? Do I look like I am single or married? Do I look like I am shopping for a birthday gift for my best friend or am I more the tourist type looking for that brand name pair of jeans that fits just right? Judging by my jeans and sweater I’d say the latter is unlikely.

Do they see that I am a mother or do I look like I have yet to find my niche in life? Do they see me as wandering aimlessly or do I appear to have a purpose? Is it obvious that I just needed to get out of the house? I am beyond the years of feeling a need to dress to impress others. Does that mean I have become one of those women who has “let herself go”? My hair is in a pony, yes it’s brushed but I didn’t really fuss before leaving the house. Do they see me as unkempt? Do they see me as holding a well paid professional job or a woman who would accept money for sex? Think they’d ever guess that I do both? I laugh at the thought.

I wonder what it would be like to set up a booth on the corner and ask these people to fill out a quick questionnaire about what they think my story is. Of course I’d hang a sign just above advertising kisses for 25 cents. There are some really cute ones (yes, male and female) out and about this afternoon. I am curious how others on the street perceive me. Would they guess that I went to University? Would they expect that I had dropped out to be a mom? Would they see my struggles? Would they see my triumphs? I do see that in people, or should I say that some people give off such indications. It’s their eyes. Are they bright and open or worn and heavy? I do my best to smile at others as I pass them, whether they return that smile or not says a lot. I do it because you never know just how much someone might need that smile in their life. I may have just made their day. That makes me feel good. Many, I have noticed, return that smile out of obligation. You can tell in their smile if they are happy with themselves.

I tend to just stroll on days like this. I take my time, a sort of sway as I walk. Have you ever watched people as they walk? No, I don’t mean checking out their asses, I mean reading into their walk and trying to figure out their mood by just that. I like watching the ladies that appear confident. Their steps are deliberate and with intent. They know what they want and they are comfortable with who they are. I feel sad for the ones who drag their feet to keep up with their bodies. Their steps are light, their knees too bent. It spells despair to me and I feel for them. Then you have the men that think they are everything and more. Their swaggered form, the thrust of their hips as they walk. I feel sad for these ones too, but I laugh at these guys where I would never do that to the feet draggers.

I try not to judge people by their clothes or their cars. I don’t think those things say anything about the type of person they are. Those things only talk of what society has made them to be. It’s their eyes, their walk, their stature that speaks volumes. Sure, when I am at the clubs or industry events I could likely be pegged as an escort. My eyes, my walk, my body language would all suggest so. But today, just window shopping I would size myself up as being okay. I’m okay with me and the life I have made for myself. That’s all I really want in life, just to be okay and if that is the worst that people perceive me to be then I must be doing alright.

Music and me

Music has always been a big part of my life. I enjoy listening to the radio while I am driving about but I have never had an appreciation for it like I have acquired these past few months. I imagine it has something to do with life experiences. I hear the words now, I can relate to what is being said. It’s not just about a good beat or a song that has a good ring to it. I can feel it. I can close my eyes and be close to it. It sounds corny I suppose but I welcome my connection to it.

I grew up with Country, but not a genre I spent much time listening to until recent years. I find it amazing how that music can change my mood. How I can reflect upon a set of words and feel motivated about life. It can make me smile about my life when there doesn’t seem much to smile for. It can take me to places I have never been. I can see mountains I have never seen before. I can feel love I have never felt before, cry tears I have never let myself cry before. I can see behind my eyelids oceans that stretch for miles. I can picture California on a winter day. I can imagine driving through country roads stopping to take a nap along Shenandoah river. I can be slow dancing in the dark or feel the golden sun in San Francisco. I can be anywhere I want to be, doing anything I want to do. Just turn on the radio and close my eyes.

It’s an escape for me in a way. To stop my own thoughts and live in another’s.. Songs that I have heard for so many years but I have never listened to. Maybe it’s just age. A maturity now that I didn’t have ten years ago, a better understanding of life that I can now relate to the music I listen to. It has been helping me to sort out my life. Thanking God for unanswered prayers, oh the things I prayed for! Yes, a Louisville slugger through the headlights had crossed my mind once or twice. Reba helped me spread my wings or at least gave me the inspiration to do it through her song “Is there life out there?” Music can be very powerful and inspiring if you let it be.

I came across a song that I fell in love with. Funny thing is it’s in Cantonese. A song by Andy Hui that I accidentally downloaded but is the most beautiful song I have ever heard. I lost the download when I reformatted my computer and have yet to find another one but I play it in my mind all of the time. It is not in English yet it makes sense to me. That is the beauty of music.

I live in a world that I cannot open up. I know I have talked of this so much lately but it is something I am so conflicted with. Music lets me feel. I can vent and be angry, I can feel hurt and sad, I can feel like I am on top of the world. I can feel all of that and not have to share it with anyone. I do not have to feel embarrassed by being weak, I do not have to feel ashamed by admitting my failures and I do not have to be knocked down when I’m feeling like I have the world by the b***.

Am I crazy, or do any of you feel a similar connection to music? Most people enjoy it but do you ever listen to it? Do you ever let it take you places you would want to be? I hope you do, even if in some small way. It’s an escape, a get-away. We all need to get away sometimes. It doesn’t take a trip to some far off place, just turn on the radio and close your eyes.

Rejection

I had always thought that I have been able to keep a good balance in this business. I have wanted to think that I have remained grounded and kept humble at a time that I could have very easily become egotistical. And then I felt rejection and realized my ego has gotten the better of me.

This business is too easy. Too easy to get what you want without having to lay out the rules. It’s unspoken but it’s understood that the affiliation everyone has with one another in this trade is sex. I don’t have to ask for it, it comes to me. I don’t have to play the games to get it, it comes to me. I don’t have to send signals in hopes of getting some, it simply comes to me. I can get it when I want it and as often as I want it. I get emails every day where people are asking me for it. It is very flattering to feel desired or wanted by someone, even so far as to say almost everyone. So much so that you become detached from reality. That is what this business has done to me. I have become egotistical.

Now a statement like that certainly isn’t in my best interest to disclose, but it is true. I have become accustomed to people talking in praise of me all of the time, putting me on a pedestal that I really deserved to have pulled out from under me. Yes, I have been rejected….this past week has been all about being rejected! But I needed that persecution to remind myself of who I was when this journey started. But damn, could I not have learned such a lesson in a less humiliating way?

I don’t know how you guys do it but I most definitely have a better understanding of what dating is like in the real world. Keep in mind I have been out of the dating scene since I was 18. That means I am 14 years out of the loop and at the rate I’m going it may be another 14 before I find my way in. I just finished a five day prowl to find myself a woman. Not a woman in the business, no. I wanted to just walk into a bar as me and leave with a woman. Simple? …….NOT! While I did manage to get a kiss from one or two I left the bar each night, womanless.

I realized while I was prowling just how lucky I have been. I have been able to live out sexual fantasies in an environment that I have not had to risk jeopardizing my life outside of this business. While I was approaching the women at the bars I could sense their unease. This was their stomping ground so to speak. They were surrounded by friends, known faces, people that could judge them and therefore not allow them to explore sexual taboos. I had almost forgotten what that environment was like. I have spent so much of this past year surrounded by people that accept my sexuality and respect my need for new experiences. It’s not easy to take what I have gained as Belle and apply that outside of the trade, something I am going to have to learn to accept.

I have become accustomed to voicing what I want and how I want it. It has become natural for me to be open about my sexual experiences and being able to share them with everyone. The outside world doesn’t take too well to sexually aggressive women. Something I was reminded of over and over again on my prowl. So now I am faced with with two problems. One, I have to learn how to handle rejection. I don’t take risks in life or open up at times I likely should because I fear rejection. It’s humiliating to put myself on the line and face that possibility. But I also know that if I don’t go after things I want in life I am going to miss out on many great opportunities. So it’s a matter of finding balance, a happy medium where I can comfortably pursue things I want in my life yet have the confidence in me to accept the possibility of rejection. And second, learning how to incorporate Belle into my life. I still cannot be one and the same. Situations that I am uncomfortable or unfamiliar with I automatically shut off and let Belle take over.

While I love her zest for life and her self confidence, her personality just won’t cut it in my world. Not just my world, but the real world. The world outside of this business. Instead of becoming a different person, I have become 2 different people. I need to blend the two into someone I can live with, respect and be proud of. Again, just as I have said many times, it’s a matter of keeping the right balance. Not always an easy thing to do.

So after this week is said and done I find myself unsatisfied sexually but I gained more than what an orgasm could have given me. I found myself off the pedestal and back on firm ground, reminding myself that I am just like any other. We’re all looking for that balance in our lives and rejection is something we must be willing to face unless we are willing to just sit back and let life pass us by. I don't want that to be me anymore.

Things to do in 2007

I know you would all like to think I am superficial, after all I am an escort…but I do have a few goals I would like to reach this year that don’t involve sex at all! So feel free to skip past this blog entry as it won’t be as interesting as my last top ten!

I am going to name this year the year of the Farfalle. A symbol of transformation which is really what I am hoping to make this year all about. While 2006 was a paramount year for me in terms of finding myself I am looking forward to this coming year where I can learn how to integrate Belle into my life. I have worked to keep the two lives so separate from one another but I have to wonder why.

Belle has provided me with memories I hope to never forget. I have never had so much fun nor felt so free since I have discovered her. I know I have talked so much of Belle and I like we are separate entities and just now have realized how silly that is. I was making excuses for wanting to experience all that I have. Perhaps I was feeling guilty or ashamed that for once I was doing things for me. If I passed that onus onto Belle I did not have to accept that a part of me was feeling trapped in life. I didn’t want to acknowledge that it’s time for me to risk a little bit of myself. I know what I need in life, I know what I want out of life and now it is just a matter of going after it all in a way that I still feel safe. That is my goal for 2007.

So, here is my list of “Things to Do” in 2007.

1) Build my back deck and fence. Ok, not much of a resolution, more like a chore I guess to some but there is a reason why this is so important to me. I need a deck and I need a fence. Not a want, but a need. I have no idea how to do this. This is a project that I need to do because I will have to ask for help. I have never asked for help, another sign of weakness to me. I am hoping this will be a start to accepting that while I may find a way to do things on my own, I don’t have to.

2) Drive on the highway. This one scares the hell out of me but I have to rid my life of so many restrictions. This one small thing is holding me back from so much and I know if I were to overcome this fear it will help me to have confidence in my ability to do the impossible. That when I am faced with something in life that seems intimidating I know I have it in me to get through it. We all need that reassurance, don’t we?

3) Submit a piece of my writing to a publisher of some sort. This is something I have always wanted to do. I love to write, it is the only way I know how to express myself and while I hope that changes this year I want to go after my dream.

4) Tell someone who I truly care about that I truly care about them. Sounds so simple but it rates right up there with “next to impossible” for me. I can write it, but I can’t say it. I lost 14 years of my life because I couldn’t say it, I’m not about to risk losing another 14.

5) Dream. It has always seemed so childish to me to lay in bed and dream of things that will likely never come to be. But what is the harm in reaching for the stars? I want to imagine myself being in places I will likely never travel doing things I will likely never have the neve to do. I figure if I dream hard enough I may just go after some of those things.

6) Let go. Let go of everything holding me back. I have let my past haunt me long enough and now I need to accept it for what it is and move on. I have been so hard on myself for things I have done and the person I used to be. I know I cannot move forward if I don’t let go.

7) Travel. Again, not to exotic places but places that will open my eyes to all the world has to offer. I have spent so much of my life looking at the world through my living room window. I know there is so much beyond that, now I am ready to see it.

8) Disney World…again! But it will be a different vacation as I want to do this with friends. I will be going later in the year with my children but I want to spend a few days there to be a kid myself. To run from ride to ride, meet all of my favorite characters and maybe even do a little shopping!

9) Let others in. I have been working on this through the end of 2006 but I know I have a long way to go. I shut down when I know there is someone standing at my door wanting in. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to share my life and my experiences with people close to me. They can’t get close if I don’t let them.

10) I want to feel butterflies……farfalles. I think this one speaks for itself.

Here for a good time.......

I am having a moment of weakness. Yes, even I am capable of such. I cannot remember the last time I had a moment like this. Perhaps it stems from this new contract I have made with myself . I know this all seems so recent, my blogs about transition and change but it has been a slow process that I am just now able to share with you. It has been months of contemplating my life . Trying to put it all into perspective, trying to connect my thoughts and my emotions. I have not allowed myself to feel for so long and now that I have given myself the okay to do so, things in my life seem so confusing. It’s not simple, the way my life has been. It’s quite complicated and I am scared to death, to be quite honest.

I am scared because I don’t know what to expect. When you block others out you don’t care. You know life will be predictable. You wake up alone, you go to bed alone. You know next week you will wake up alone, go to bed alone. Next month, you will wake up alone, go to bed alone. The phone doesn’t ring aside from clients, the email box is empty aside from clients and the only thoughts you have are what to pick up for dinner aside from what time your next appointment with a client is. You know what to expect and you don’t care. It’s safe and it’s guaranteed.

The thing is, I have made my life strictly family and business. I have considered anything personal as a sign of weakness. But in reality I have come to see that in fact my fear of getting personal is my true sign of weakness. I do not have the strength in me to take risks, the confidence to rebound if I get hurt or the trust in others to let go. One year ago, even six months ago I couldn’t have cared about those things. Being at my crossroads in life I know I have to accept that my life is changing and I must learn to change with it.

I have learned some things about myself these past few months that I never wanted to know. I know I do not want to be alone the rest of my life. I know I need someone to witness my life….my accomplishments, my failures, my laughter and my tears… yes, I do hope to cry someday. But I also know I want the dream. I want a man that can be honest with me . I want a man who will share his life with me, open up to me and make me feel safe enough to do the same in return. I want a man that shares the same goals in life, the same dreams and wants to travel in the same adventures as I. Is that life in the stars for me, I’m not so sure but I do know that when I m ready, I won’t settle for anything less again.

And then I contemplate this business and its’ effect on my 10 year plan. I know I will have to explain my journey as an escort at some point to a significant other. Will it ever be understood? Will it ever be accepted? It is a big part of my journey to become who I am today and I will never be ashamed of it, just the opposite. But will he be able to understand just how much it has meant to me and be happy for me to have had such wonderful experiences? Do I just start out the first date by telling him what I did before I met him? I can’t hide it, I don’t want to hide it but will I ever find a man willing to accept it?


I never really thought about things like that when I considered escorting. But the reality is that I am proud of Belle. I like feeling the way I do about life as escorting has given me a new outlook so to speak. But it is not who I am, it is what I do. I know in these circles I will always be Belle. There is no escaping that. There is no way to carry on within this group as anything else but. I also know when I am ready to make that break, when Belle has become all that she can be that I must break those circles too. Something that will be very hard to do. Something I am not so sure my heart will be willing to let me do.

I suppose the point I am trying to make in all of this rambling is, will I ever be able to be me again? Belle was supposed to be a compliment to me but I am realizing that she has become me. In some ways this is a blessing, in other ways a curse. There will come a time I need to let her go, is that going to be possible? Will I ever be able to live a “normal” life again? You know, the life where a man asks to kiss me as opposed to assuming I will have sex with him within the first hour of meeting. Normal being where I never accept money for my time yet am able to give it out of my own free will. Normal to the point that a man will not rate the experience with me and share it with hundreds of others but keep it private as it was an intimate time we shared. Normal where my stomach is full of butterflies because I am falling in love with him not because I worry if he is going to hurt me in some way.

I truly wonder if any woman has been able to walk away and never look back. To not have this business creep up on her everywhere she turns. Yes, it is a fun time, a time for learning about one’s self and letting go of your inhibitions but it is not a lifetime. A good time, but not a lifetime. Or is it?

My sex resolutions for 2007

New Year’s resolutions are overrated if you ask me! I have decided to put a spin on the term and lighten it up just a little bit. Yes, I will make those usual goals of taking better care of myself and blah, blah, blah but I am going to add to that……..10 places I want to have sex in the new year.

1) I love nature. I want to have sex under the stars. I love the night air, the quietness of world around me. It is peaceful, tranquil and a perfect setting for sex!
2) Ok, so I really love nature! I have to add this one to the above. I want to have sex in a field somewhere. The sun shining, a slight breeze passing over our naked bodies. Not wide open for all to see though. An area secluded enough that we can take our time, relax and enjoy the moment.
3) During a thunderstorm. I am terrified of thunderstorms. I want to lay in the rain and hear the thunder rumble. What a way to get over that fear!
4) It is said that a sauna deprives your brain of oxygen which in turn heightens your senses. This would be a perfect place. The thought of 2 naked slippery bodies in that kind of heat really turns me on. A definite must!
5) The waves are rolling, the boat is swaying. Ever done it on a boat? Want to? I sure do! Especially on the deck, at night during a thunderstorm. Well, maybe not the thunderstorm!
6) Ok, risking my reputation on this one. I have always wanted to visit a swinger’s club. The intrigue of the unknown perhaps but another must-do on my list.
7) Next to a campfire, snuggled in sleeping bags. I love camping and there would be nothing better after a day of hiking and fishing then to relax by the fire and get it on!
8) Not sure if this counts but I’ll add it anyways. Unexpected sex. Can’t say where or when it would be but a situation where I would least expect it and the opportunity arises!
9) Sex on the beach. I hear it’s not all it’s cracked up to be but just the thought of it turns me on.
10) On a living room floor in front of the fire. Yes, that slow intimate sex usually reserved for couples in love. Hey, I can still be a romantic you know!

That’s it….for now. Not an intellectual post by any means but I got real wet thinking it up! Cheers to 2007!

SP of the Year

“SP of the Year”. My newest title, humbling yet not an asset I am about to add to my resume under “Greatest Accopmlishments”! I read the post on the reiview board about a month or so ago that hobbyists were asked to vote for their top 5 service providers in the Niagara Region. I had mixed feelings about this as I worried some feelings would be hurt. And just how do you rate a service provider? What do you base your vote on? Best BJ? Best kisser? Best……you see where I am going with this. I am very humbled by being chosen but for unselfish reasons. I think there is something to be said here, something I have been trying to get out there since Belle was introduced to the industry.

It’s not about the size of her chest. It’s not about her age. It’s not about her young toned body. It’s about the experience that she provides for you. It’s not about taking a few hundred poses spread eagle but leaving something to the imagination. It’s not about being known to do anything she is asked to do but having the class to have limits. It’s not about you enjoying yourself, but her wanting to share the experience with you. It is about being honest, being true to yourself and trying to get back from the clients as much as she gives. It’s about enjoying what she does and keeping the hobby fun.

I know some may see this as just a cute fun little game. Yes, let’s vote for the best **** in town. Let’s humor her ego, make these women feel good and maybe we’ll score a few brownie points with them. And yes, it is cute and fun but it truly means a lot more than that to me. I don’t believe it has anything to do with one service being better than another so much as it is to say that “I get it”. I get what you are looking for, as I am looking for those same things. I understand what our time together represents in your life because it is the same representation in mine. I need this journey in my life right now and I know that many of you need it too.

I need to feel wanted by a man, you need to feel wanted by a woman. I need to be kissed like I am hungered for, you need to feel that hunger as well. I need to be touched, caressed and fondled by a man that can appreciate the passion those moments create, you need to touch and caress and fondle to be a part of that passion. We are in search of the same things in this business and it is only because of that, that I was voted for.

It is not a knock against the other ladies in this business, but a compliment to them. I envy them for not being chosen. They have lives outside of this business that likely give them what I am searching for. They have someone to share that passion with, someone to want them and to need them. They have someone to hold them, kiss them and give to them what I turn to you to get out of life. That is something these ladies should be proud of and thankful for. I can only hope that this time next year it is not me being named as ‘Sp of the year”, that perhaps I may find that one person that can give me everything I am searching for.

The irony in the timing is so very bizarre to me. This Christmas was hard for me. Yes, changes. The part of those changes is my family discovering what I have chosen to do. Escorting is something I worked hard to protect them from. Not to protect me from, but them. I know they could never understand why I do what I do. Sure, they could reason with the money I suppose but they would see escorting as a sacrifice and I know there would be no way to justify the greatness of it all in their eyes. They are hurt, disappointed and have shunned me because of it. It was the start in a riff between them and I. It has snowballed since then with other circumstances but it is what it is and my decisions within this business have cost me a lot as far as family goes. I could have quit. I could have walked away and begged my family for forgiveness but why? I have done nothing wrong and I would begrudging myself if I were to end Belle and all that she stands for.

I am at a time in my life I have to think of me, my wants and needs in life. I can’t sacrifice those things for the sake of someone else, even if it means my family turns their back on me. I have spent my life living for others, doing what is expected of me. This is the first time in my life I have done something for me. And it feels good. I can’t change how they feel about what I do but can only hope they learn to understand it or accept it at the very least.

So being chosen as Sp of the Year means a lot to me tonight. You all get it. You recognize just how much I have put into this business to get out of it what I do. You respect my limits and boundaries, and more importantly you respect my decision to do what I do. You have shown me that I am doing ok, that I am giving you what you need and you are happy to give me what I need. My life demanded that reinforcement. Thank you for the acknowledgement that I am doing things right and that you support my journey wherever it may lead.

My 10 year plan

I am a planner. I plan everything I do. Seldom do things go as planned but I keep planning anyways. I was asked recently where I saw myself in 10 years. It was a simple question but one I didn’t have an answer to. It all comes back to change. Changes in my life that have a huge effect on my 10 year plan. And again I find Belle opening up a lot of doors for me.

My life was set. I decided a very long time ago to put my needs aside for the sake of those that depend on me. I accepted the fact that my life was not my own and that my needs were to be placed on the back burner until a time that my life once again becomes all about me. It was an easy decision really and so that has been me for the past 14 years. I work, I tend to the home and I take care of others. It was cut and dry, a plan that was simple. That is when I stopped searching for answers. I stopped wondering what I wanted out of life. I stopped wishing things were different and accepted them as they were. It made life easy though. I became a coward. I bailed out on life, 14 years of just going through the motions.

I am a strong believer in the adage that everything happens for a reason. I have learned through life’s upsets that you must find the positive in everything thrown your way. And this is where I find myself today. I was not ready for my life to turn around. It was not part of my 10 year plan. But it is what it is. I have no control over it, it is a change I was not prepared for but now I must find the positive. Sure, I could sit here and feel sorry for myself, wishing things were different and not to say that that thought didn’t cross my mind, it’s just not my style. I don’t want to be a coward anymore. I am not going to bail out on life, my life.

So, my 10 year plan. Is it really necessary to have a 10 year plan? For me, yes. I need goals to be set. I am at a time in my life where I feel the need to be working towards something. I am a realist, so my goals would never be unattainable but I do like a challenge. I am ready for that in my life. I need to go after things I never thought I deserved. Go after things I never thought I would want or need, go after things that I envy in others. In doing this I know I will need to take risks along the way. And that will be my first challenge.

In 10 years I want to be strong. I want to be confident in my life, safe and secure. I want to be doing things for me. But how do I get there? How do I stop being a coward and go after what I want in life? I have realized over the past little while that I cannot do it on my own. I look at my life and what I have accomplished in my 32 short years and I pat myself on the back. I am proud for what I have overcome and I can say I did it all on my own. That is a great feeling, to be able to say I did it and I did it all on my own. But I do not have anyone to share that with because I never let anyone help me along the way. What good is a pat on the back when there is noone there to recognize it? Noone to say “I am proud of you”, noone to say “You fought like hell and you made it out on top”. I don’t need anyone to do that for me, but it would be nice to have had someone there to take notice.


So my 10 year plan will involve people. I don’t want to go through life feeling like I do not need anyone anymore. I am not sure just how much I will allow myself to lean on these people but I do hope that by letting them in I will learn to trust. I love to write. In the next 10 years I plan to pursue that dream. I am not expecting to be on the best seller’s list by then, but I do want to go after that dream. Writing this blog has been so much fun. It has been something in my life this past year that has been personally rewarding. I have learned a lot of myself and I want to expand on that. I don’t know where it will take me but I do know I have to find out.

I want to travel. Not necessarily to grand places like Paris necessarily but to go tobogganing in Maine, visit Alcatraz in San Francisco, be a part of a powwow in Montana, see a Habs game in Montreal, climb the tree tops in Costa Rica, ski in the Alps, visit my home town in Sooke, B.C., spend a summer in a motor home touring warm hot places stopping in campgrounds for campfires and hikes through state parks. There is so much out there I want to do and see. Simple, but wondrous things.

It will be a plan that will come together because of Belle. She has opened my eyes to a whole new world. New experiences and a new found zest for life. I feel alive again because of her and while I know her time in this business will be short lived, there will always be that bit of her inside of me, pushing me at times I want to bail and be the driving force behind going after what I want in life.

"Belle De Jour" rant....

Belle de Jour. Have any of you ever read her books or viewed her blog? The story is this. She claims to be a “High end London Courtesan”. She writes anonymously under the name “Belle De Jour”. There has been quite a controversy over just who she really is. There have been several claims that her true identity has been outted. Some feel she is a 33 year old journalist who resides in the UK, others have the inkling she is actually a “he”, a 42 year old “he” that has been known to write under female names in the past. Both have been known to write in similar style and about similar topics. My view? She is not who or what she claims to be.

I do not make this judgement on a literary basis as I am not a professional author by any means but from one escort reading of another, I have problems with her claim. I suppose “high end” can be described about as many ways as “GFE” could be, its’ definition not written in stone. But to me, to call yourself “A high end courtesan” there should be a high level of self respect, something her writing shows little of.

The way I see it, there are a few classes you will see within the escorting industry. The "entry level” girls are the ones without a voice. They share the same characteristics as the “cash and grab” girls. Anything goes. Do to them what you wish, they will be sure to let you get away with almost anything. Dirty, kinky, sub, dom, roleplay, whatever you desire. Is there something wrong with that? Not necessarily. But there is when she does not enjoy it. When an escort has no limits, no barriers that are not to be crossed, when she sacrifices her morals for the sake of a buck, then there is a problem with that and I would not consider her to be a “high end call girl”.

Could I make a lot more money if I allowed men to perform facials, or to have them demean me by calling me their “bitch, slut or whore”? Absolutely! I turn down calls like this quite often. Because I have limits, lines that are not to be crossed. I do not believe to be good as an escort you have to give to a man’s every whim. But that is just my opinion and I know many will disagree, mostly the men I have turned down!

BDJ (Belle De Jour) continues to write about allowing men to gag her with their penises, talk to her like a whore and treat her in a way I would never think to allow. She then writes about how pathetic these people are, how she can justify these acts with the monetary gain at the end. I just don’t see a high end call girl openly admitting to such lack of self respect. If she enjoyed the acts I would feel differently, but she despises them. Yet she shows up for the next call to do it all again.

She looks at her clients as money and that disturbs me. No, it does not mean escorts don’t think that way as I know the vast majority do. But a high end courtesan, I would think, have a better understanding of the men that participate in the hobby. To ridicule them, just what do you say about yourself? It is frustrating to be a part of this business and constantly feel the need to further define this business. Yes, it can be cold and mechanical but it can also be warm and passionate. When a self described high class courtesan writes a book demeaning the men and demoralizing her profession it angers me as it feeds to the ignorance of society.

But that is what sells. Who wants to read about how escorts help marriages. How we satisfy men in a way (for whatever reason) their wives cannot. Who wants to read that that an escort can actually become a better person because of this business, that she can find herself, gain confidence in herself and learn more of herself than any office job could ever teach her. Who wants to read of the lonely gentlemen that just want someone to talk to, to hold naked in bed. No, that stuff doesn’t sell. People want to read about the kink, the risqué, the fantasies. They want to believe this business is dirty, immoral and sinful. And because of that society will likely never open up to the possibility that this industry may not be so bad after all.

I am not naive, I know what else goes on within this business. I also know that I will never change how society sees girls like me. But it doesn’t stop me from wishing it could be different and it certainly doesn’t stop me from cursing women like “Belle De Jour” who just don’t get it.

Business and Pleasure?

My life. To sum it all up, in case you have not gathered from previous entries, my life has been quite solitary. Do not feel bad for me as I have willingly made my life that way, it has been by choice. But I am beginning to realize just what I have been missing in my life for so many years. I have had many acquaintances and short term friendships but it is just recently, and through this business that I have come to realize just how great friendships are.

I have attended many industry functions in the past year. Review board parties, Christmas parties, Halloween parties, house parties, football events and wine tours. I have always looked at these events as a means of advertising my business. No, I am not selling myself but I am promoting who I am. I try to be on my best behavior (Ok, so I have been a little lax at that lately) but I do try to show that yes, I am just an average everyday, girl- next-door kind of woman who truly enjoys entertaining men. But something has happened along the way, something I never expected to happen in this business. I have made some great friends.

I wasn’t looking to make friends, I wasn’t hoping to become someone’s friend. I wasn’t even feeling deprived with the fact that I have not allowed myself to feel the need for friends. But yet I find myself feeling safe with the fact that I can call some of these people just that, friends. It is amazing really. The fact that we all know so little about one another. We chat online, we send messages back and forth. We ask about the kids even though we do not know their names. We ask about work yet we do not know just where that work is. We ask about vacations, but never discuss who is accompanying their travels. We accept one another for what they are willing to give to us and never ask for anything more that what one is willing to put forth.

But ultimately isn’t that what friendships should be, to accept someone at face value? To enjoy their company, have some laughs and never require more than what they are willing to give? Many outside of our group looking in seem to feel that friendships within this industry are impossible. I do not understand this. Why is it that society thinks what we do as escorts and hobbyists is wrong because it is just sex. Sex should be reserved for people who know one another, for friends. Then you have people who participate in this hobby that feel it should be kept as a strictly sexual relationship, not a friendship.

Perhaps for some it is hard to understand. To have a business relationship that is based on sex yet have a friendship outside of that arrangement seems inconceivable. But it is possible. And I am very thankful for those friendships that have formed. With escorting being such a big part of my life it is great to share that with these friends. Friends who will not judge me for what I do, accept my need for privacy when I cannot give anything more than I do and take joy in my journey with me. I don’t need to know their names or where they live and work. I just need them to take me as I am, and they do. That is friendship.

Embarassing Moments

The things Escorts won’t tell you!

Being at the top of your game isn’t always easy. Neither is being classy 100% of the time. If she is any good at what she does, you won’t even notice the things I am going to talk about here…..I am not so graceful…….


1) We’re in the midst of passion. Both of us panting, I am laying on my back with one arm above my head. He works his way down between my thighs, his tongue so welcoming. He knows just how I like it, that perfect spot just below my clit. I am getting caught up in the moment, my head moving from side to side trying to control my lower body. I raise my head in hopes of watching him taste
me when I notice my hair has been tangled in my watch. Yes, he is there giving me that amazing tongue lashing and now I am distracted by the knot in my head. I pull my head away from my arm, boy did that hurt. I let out a whimper, that turns him on more. I sway my hips from side to side, up and down to keep him focused on what he is doing….to keep him distracted. I manage to raise my other arm and try to work out the knot. I am only making it worse. I undo my watch, leave it attached to my hair and focus enough to have him get me off. I please him in return (never leave a man unsatisfied!), and head to the bathroom to remove my watch from my hair

2) Condom issues really suck! I’m the professional, I should know how to do this right? Ever try to put a condom on backwards? Ever try to do it backwards with your mouth? Don’t….cause you’ll just look like an ass! I try to put the condom on without using my hands most of the time. Men find this erotic, but I do it this way to draw less attention to the “not-so-natural” feel of the business we are participating in. He’s of “slightly above average” size, anything above average can be difficult to apply this way. It’s a matter of placing the tip in my mouth and putting a lot of pressure with my lips around his head and work it slowly to the base. Usually it can look pretty hot, except when backwards. Yes, I sit with the tip in my mouth and purse my lips. It is giving me a hard time getting started, sometimes the ridge of the rim causes this so I don’t panic. Harder, tighter I barely get the rubber over his head. I work furiously to get it to slide down his shaft. I bring my hands in to help out as I work my head from side to side but finally have to admit defeat. I know I have to remove it and apply a new one. Slowly (and trying to be very erotic as I do this) I begin working it off the ridge of his penis. I straighten up in a better position to grab a new one when I am ready and there it is again…..that damn hair. I somehow managed to entangle a fair amount of hair around his penis and into the condomn! You do not know embarrassment until you have been in a moment like this! I managed to get the condom off of him and separate my hair from him but I had to actually get his help to untangle the condom from my hair! Good thing it was chocolate, it made for a few uneasy jokes while he fixed me up.Ugh, why do I bother? *wink*wink

3) Gifts. I just don’t know how to accept these, literally! He sees me quite regularly, we have a great time together and every once in awhile he will bring me small gifts. Very sweet of him but it embarrasses me every time! We were already undressed, I am on the bed, the sheets are drawn and he announces he has a gift for me. I close my eyes and he places something cold and plastic in my hand. (Get your mind out of the gutter, this is a family blog!) Not realizing how heavy it was as he was still holding on to it partially I was just opening my eyes and trying to sit up. He lets go and before I know it I am covered in dirt! Yes, he brought me a beautiful plant and I was now wearing it and its’ soil over my body! Sounds hot you think? Not! Mud maybe, but soil with white fertilizer rocks…..definitely not! He’s hard, I’m wet and the bed and I are in need of cleaning up! I apologize profusely and head into the shower as he takes care of the bed. Just when I think this cannot get any worse I hop out of the shower, grab a towel and head to the bedroom to see a houseman standing in the room with clean sheets! Me naked, the sheets needing changing (please note the sheets are discolored to possibly lead one to believe that there was a recent trip to the islands) and this is all I could think of. Not much happened that night but a lot of nervous chuckles! Yes, believe it or not he continues to see me!

4) It’s 10 minutes prior to a scheduled appointment. I am running late…I HATE being late. A phone call from a mom that will only call at times like this. Plus I couldn’t figure out what to wear and blah, blah, blah. So yes, I am running late. I make one last stop in my bedroom to grab my heels, grab my coat off the coat stand and dart out the door. My driver scurries me off and I light a smoke. What a crazy day was all I could think. I’m headed to the Niagara Hilton, one hotel I dread as I have to walk right past front desk. Where is Nick? I like seeing Nick, he’s great and never gives us ladies a hard time. Why can’t all hotels have a Nick? I put out my smoke, pop in a cinnamon strip to cover my smoke breath and try to pull myself together to walk into the lobby. I try to look classy, not sleezy and tonight am impressed with my choice of attire, for being pulled together last minute. As I am walking through the lobby I am thinking “I look all right!” Until something just doesn’t feel right. A few more steps and I look down. I realize with horror that I have 2 different heels on! Yes, one left…one right…..one black and one brown! One ¼ inch heel, One ½ inch heel! I am lopsided walking through the Hilton and past front desk! OMG, I cannot tell you how much I dread this call! I am in the elevator, so are about 7 other people. I still have to make it down the hall and into the room, and then I just may never leave because I have to somehow get back to my driver! I walk in and kiss him right away. Keeping his eyes distracted I keep the kiss going long enough to kick off my shoes and throw my sweater over top of them! Getting out of there? I called the driver to have him meet me at the back door. I took the stairs down, about 12 flights to meet him out back! Boy do I feel like an ass! Can’t dress me up let alone take me out!

5) I think every escort will have a story like this one. You have a “board name”, you have a room number. You knock on the door, he seems happy so you walk in. You wrap your arms around him, give him a kiss and ask him how his night is. “Very good” he replies and then carries on to say he was expecting pizza. No, he did not order a lady to his door, he ordered pizza! Note to self….double check the room number before you knock! He was really great about it though. He had figured his buddies had set him up, he just divorced his wife. I closed the door, we made out for a few minutes, I wished him the best of luck with women in the future and then backed out the door. He just stared at me with a sheepish grin, the door slightly open and watched me knock on the door beside his. I walked in and he was still standing there. I made sure to be extra loud for that hour as I doubt he was eating pizza! Embarrassing at first yes, but this one turned out to be quite fun! I’ve heard of worse, the wife sitting in the other room etc so this one wasn’t so bad at all! I should have left my number behind, he was a great kisser!

Christmas Spirit

I got to thinking tonight. I know, I should really stop that. But tonight there is no Peter Gabrielle and no Icewine so I should get through this one unscathed. Christmas is upon us, creeping up sooner than many care to acknowledge. The holiday season seems to bring mixed emotions to people, depending on where you are at in your life. I have had the chance to talk with a lot of clients recently about their views and what the season holds for them. I almost feel guilty that I am so blessed, but I didn’t start out this holiday season with such high esteem.

It goes back to changes. A lot of changes that have left me in a different place this year. Old traditions must come to an end and it is up to me to create new ones. Change is good, it keeps things refreshing but some things I fight hard to keep the same. Christmas traditions have been one of those things. It has always been about family, catching up, great laughs and bonding. When those bonds have been severed it changes the foundation of such traditions.

I love Christmas, it has grown almost larger than life in my soul. I love the shopping, the music, the lights and the trees. I love the greetings, the smiles, the snow, the giddy feeling I get when I fantasize about Christmas Day. But I am not a fan of unexpected change. When it’s on my terms I am okay with it, but not when it involves something beyond my control. This year I have been reserved, trying to fight that urge to hide under the sheets until it’s over. It’s not like me and I anger at myself for allowing me to let something I have no control over, control me.

It’s self pity, something I don’t give in to often. It’s wasted energy, a useless emotion. It serves no purpose but to self destruct and I have allowed it to become a part of me. I am angry that I have lost so much this year, even more angry that I have depended so much on what I have lost. If I didn’t depend, I wouldn’t pity. It’s that simple. So here it is, Christmas around the corner and I am angry. I am angry and hurt and angry for being angry. Until tonight.

I shared with many people, some not even knowing who I am, pictures of my Christmas tree. It has quite noticeably been decorated by my children and it is the most beautiful tree I have ever seen. And I realized that I was the envy of so many. They were envious that I have kids to share Christmas with. They were envious that my lights were set up, garland hanging from my fireplace mantel. They were envious that that tree would shine bright every night for the next month or so and that I would have my children to share it with every night. They were envious that Christmas morning I will wake to eager children with grins from ear to ear anticipating what Santa had left for them. They were envious of me.

Here I am wallowing in self pity and people are envious of me. I felt guilty, so guilty for not seeing just how lucky I truly am. I have been blessed with a wonderful life. Even with lifelong traditions being broken, I am blessed to be able to make new ones and have my children to share that with. I will not wake Christmas morning alone like so many will. I will enjoy a beautiful home cooked Christmas turkey unlike so many. My children will have many gifts to open, something that is a gift in itself as many children will not have that luxury. I truly am blessed.

So I want to dedicate this blog entry to those of you that will be wanting and needing, this Christmas. Thank you for reminding me just how lucky I really am. Thank you for waking me up and bringing back my Christmas Spirit. I have no reason to pray for me this holiday season but I promise I will pray for all of you. I will pray for love, for happiness and for all of you to be able to have the chance I have this Christmas….to make new traditions.

I am not a bad girl.....really!

Is it wrong to want things that others may consider improper or dirty? To fantasize about things good girls should never think of? Men dream of two women, something that is quite often realized in this business. What about a woman wanting to be with two men? Most shun at the thought that a woman would find herself excited by that. What about 3 men? Now that’s just sleezy, right? Why is society so quick to accept a man’s sexual desires yet a woman is not entitled have them?

We are in a new generation of equality. Equality in the workforce was a huge breakthrough for the woman’s movement. Women can vote, even hold office. Women can be judges, police officers and firefighters. But women are still stigmatized when it comes to sexual preferences. Yes, lesbians are “out” now which also allows for a greater acceptance for 2 women to be with a man. But we have yet to cross the line with accepting that a woman may fantasize about the pleasure to be experienced when being pleased by multiple men.

Am I dirty because I want to kiss a man and at the same time have another feel just how wet that kiss makes me? I don’t think that should make me a disgraceful part of society but a highly sexual woman who craves new sexual experiences. I am very aware of my body, I know what I like. I think that threatens a lot of women. I will ask for what I enjoy just as I would hope the same from my partner or partners. Sex for me is so much an intellectual journey. It’s in the mind, created through imagination and its’ erotica is so much more heightened when you tap into it. Yes, it is expressed in a physical manner but for me it’s all in letting my mind take me to another place.

I would like to be in a situation where men are wanting me to please them, wanting for me to touch them, to arouse them. Multiple women, multiple men in an environment that is safe to let go of inhibitions. The type of scene where nakedness surrounds me. Not wild and crazy sex but purely passionate exploring, taunting and pleasing. It goes back to my belief that sex is to be shared, admired and respected. Yes, it is wonderful for a man and a woman to make love. It sounds so romantic to say “we just made love”. But making love sounds so personal and intimate. When you say “we just had sex” it sounds so cold and empty. To say “we just had a gang bang” sounds dirty and crude. I want touch, I want lips pressed against mine. I want to totally lose myself in the experience. I want to make them want me, that urge so strong. Their desire my pleasure. Is that so wrong?

I want to pour wine down a man’s chest and taste his sweat mixed within it. I want to grasp on to him and feel his lust for me. I want a woman there to watch us, another man to fondle my nipples. I want to kiss her as I feel them pressed against me. I want to watch him taste her as I bring her nipples to erection. I want him to help me taste myself. To slide his fingers through my thighs and bring them to my lips. We taste together. It’s not crude, it’s not dirty. It’s simply sexual exploration. It’s my ultimate journey, my ultimate destination. I own it, it is mine.

I am young and I am single but I am mature and true to myself. I am at a time in my life that I need to discover me. I need to never look back and wish I had learned to live. I am living now, exploring the world and the people within it. It’s about new experiences, branching out and becoming aware of the beauty and passion we all have hidden somewhere. I want to share it, flaunt it and be close to it. Again, it’s not dirty and it’s not wrong. It’s my fantasy. Someday,……..someday I hope to be a part of it, to feel what it would be like. The music playing, friends sharing drinks and slowly undressing one another. A room full of sexual energy. I know I will, I am sure of that. After all, I have played out each of my fantasies so far!