Story time

Time to tell you a little story. Grab a coffee, sit back, put your feet up and let me take you back to a time in my life. It’s personal, in fact the most personal I think I have ever been with any of you but since a great many of you have been such a big part of my journey I feel it only fair to share. It has nothing to do with escorting and everything to do with me. Nothing juicy, nothing erotic and for that I apologize but tonight I am simply reflecting. I am going to go back to my late teens. 18 years old and I met a guy. He was so handsome and I was head over heels for him. I was working midnights at Tim Horton’s on Old Island Highway in Victoria B.C.. He was what I dreamed of as a little girl. Tall, handsome and said all of the right things to sweep me off my feet.

I wanted to get married and have kids. That was my dream. I moved in with him and his brother just two weeks after we met. He gave me everything I needed at the time. I needed approval, acceptance, and praise. He showered me with compliments, we had sex twice a day and life was good. I was young and needy. You ladies know what it is like when you are young. You know nothing about life, love, relationships. Everything is so superficial.

Just one month later and I was pregnant. I was happy, elated that I was to have something of my very own. Yes, I looked at my baby as a possession. Someone that needed me, could not survive without me and loved me unconditionally. I was selfish. I wanted that baby for me. I did not try to get pregnant, but I didn’t try to stop it and I was happy. I pictured a “Happy Ever After”, the dream, the fairy tale.

We had a rocky road for several years. I moved back to Niagara and he followed. We set up home and life was still good. Our baby was born and we were a family. I loved becoming a mom. It was the prize, the title, the answer to finding my identity. After five years, the flame was snuffed out. There was no more sex. When I say no more, I mean there was no interest. Yes, I did it to keep him. I needed to hold on to that dream. If I lost him, I lost me. We had more children, beautiful children and I started to find myself in them. I knew I had lost him. But I had to keep that lie for my children. They were now my life, my everything. When they hurt, I died inside. There is no greater pain.

We married seven years after we met. It was a shot gun wedding, but had to do it for my children. The marriage was a final attempt to keep up the lie. Definitely not a reason to get married! Divorce was inevitable from the start but I was willing to accept that I would sacrifice all of me for my children. I would not travel, I would not go back to school, I would not live but for my children. That is what a parent does. I needed to give them that. I felt I belonged with that ring on my finger. I had a place in life. I was always searching for that place. I thought by wearing that ring it at least would appear to others that life was good when it was no longer. I was willing to accept that this was my life and I didn’t look back. I wouldn’t let myself wish things were different, couldn’t think of anything on the outside. This was my box and as long as my kids were happy, I was happy. Perhaps I could believe it myself.

What was supposed to be something to help me find my identity turned out to be something that took my identity away. I was no longer me. I was a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister…I was something to everyone, always a title but never just me. But I was okay with that because I was giving to my children everything they deserved. Those few that knew me enough to figure it out begged me to leave. There was no spark in my eyes. My soul was empty and I was hurting. I cried, I cried and I cried. I cried because I knew it had to end. I knew I had to face my children. I let them down, I failed at giving them the life that I fought so hard to give them. But it was out of my control. Sometimes things happen and there is not a damn thing we can do about it. This was one of those times.

So I sat there with my children and I cried. I tried to be strong, my older ones tried to be strong but in the end we all cried. The next morning and my kids woke to me sitting in the living room. Life was going to be different now, little did I know it would get better. I did not grieve for losing my marriage. I had had years to do that. It was over before it began. For the first time in my life I felt a sense of relief. I was able to start over. I could have cried with my children now but I sat them down and said “This is going to be fun!” If I took on the tone of defeat, they would too. And that would make them what I had been all my life. Needy and always looking for someone to accept them. I refuse to lead them into that life. No, this was going to be a journey for all of us. And thus far it has been a great one. They wake up and go to bed each day smiling. I can’t say they always did that before. And me? Most days I do too.

Timing is everything and I know I was meant to be on this journey right now. I can see outside of the box. I have been able to travel. It sounds so simple to most I assume but for me is exhilarating. It is freedom. To hop on a plane to another land, new experiences, new dreams. Some things that you will see me write about in the next few entries. Truly something that just six months ago I had never thought I would do. I have been learning about life and what I want in mine. I have been learning about myself. Learning that I don’t need someone to accept me, I need to accept me. I don’t need someone to praise me, I need to praise myself. And I do. I praise myself for not giving up and going after what I want in life. I praise myself for being able to give my children the same hopes and dreams.

Do I write this for you to give me praise? Not at all. In fact it is in hopes that someone within the 1,000 hits I get a week to this site is lost within themselves. Victim of circumstance so to speak. I know there is, I have read the emails. There is life and promise within yourself. Just do some searching. It is amazing what lies for you beyond that box!