Belle is venting, duck!

I think I have posted in a previous entry that I just can not be Belle all of the time! She is annoyingly sweet, revoltingly nice to everyone and is so humble I want to puke at times! So I have put Belle away for the night and I am going to vent. I am only human and yes, there are times I just get down right pissed off!

I have spent so much time writing entries about the wonderful side to escorting. The compliments, the friendships, the travels, the sex, the money. Well, here is a dose of the bullshit. The being nice when all you want to say is “Fuck you”. Supporting the women in the industry when you’d love to bring them down. Being attacked in public forum and not wanting to risk your reputation by standing up for yourself. Showering 2-5 times a day, shaving 2x a day. Making sure you are stocked with flavored condoms before you leave the house. Sneaking out of the house to check phone messages, hours on the computer trying to keep up an image when at times you don’t care to be nice.

Working out appointments between dance classes and doctors appointments. Going out in the rain and snow in heels and a see through shirt because you’re not good enough to show up in slacks and a sweater. Listening to guys tell you how great you are only in the hopes of bargaining a discounted rate. Unwarranted advice about how you should run your business, being condemned for not being you….when the “you” they are talking about isn’t even you! Being told how to dress, to wear perfume, to not wear perfume. To wear the black bra, the red panties, the white garter and the grey silk thong all within 5 hours!

Knocking on the door to find he has given you the wrong room number, having to tell guys that I won’t suck their toes and I reserve my urinating for private moments, preferably in a washroom. Having to ask to shower alone, the smell of KW soap, the coldness of crisp sheets in a minus 10 degree room. Smiling on days I just want to cry. Having wild crazy sex when I just want to feel a man’s arms around me. Trying to make everyone happy but feeling you have failed them all. Pretending you have such great control over your life when in reality you are falling apart.

Leaving my pocket rocket behind, leaving my condoms behind. Running late, being lied to by guys that think I don’t know any better. Worrying that I offend my clients, fearing I am not being true to myself. Getting paid to be Belle but knowing that time with just me can’t even be given away for free. Wanting time at the gym to work out and feel good but can barely find the time to eat. Finally get to the gym, renew my membership to realize my credit card is declined. Call to realize I paid $150 and not the $1500 I thought I did last week. Go home, check the bank account to realize I not only underpaid my credit card but my newspaper subscription is good until 2010.

Stopping off at the grocery store to pick up a few “must haves” for dinner, then to an appointment and back home to cook a dinner that you then realize you still didn’t get what you need at the store. Getting dressed at 11 am for an appointment, which shouldn’t be hard save for the fact that since my divorce I haven’t been able to sleep more than an hour at a time. Writing blogs like this when I know I am emotionally motivated and should just go to bed and sleep on it! AAARRRRGGGG!!!! Sweet dreams everyone!