Rejection

I had always thought that I have been able to keep a good balance in this business. I have wanted to think that I have remained grounded and kept humble at a time that I could have very easily become egotistical. And then I felt rejection and realized my ego has gotten the better of me.

This business is too easy. Too easy to get what you want without having to lay out the rules. It’s unspoken but it’s understood that the affiliation everyone has with one another in this trade is sex. I don’t have to ask for it, it comes to me. I don’t have to play the games to get it, it comes to me. I don’t have to send signals in hopes of getting some, it simply comes to me. I can get it when I want it and as often as I want it. I get emails every day where people are asking me for it. It is very flattering to feel desired or wanted by someone, even so far as to say almost everyone. So much so that you become detached from reality. That is what this business has done to me. I have become egotistical.

Now a statement like that certainly isn’t in my best interest to disclose, but it is true. I have become accustomed to people talking in praise of me all of the time, putting me on a pedestal that I really deserved to have pulled out from under me. Yes, I have been rejected….this past week has been all about being rejected! But I needed that persecution to remind myself of who I was when this journey started. But damn, could I not have learned such a lesson in a less humiliating way?

I don’t know how you guys do it but I most definitely have a better understanding of what dating is like in the real world. Keep in mind I have been out of the dating scene since I was 18. That means I am 14 years out of the loop and at the rate I’m going it may be another 14 before I find my way in. I just finished a five day prowl to find myself a woman. Not a woman in the business, no. I wanted to just walk into a bar as me and leave with a woman. Simple? …….NOT! While I did manage to get a kiss from one or two I left the bar each night, womanless.

I realized while I was prowling just how lucky I have been. I have been able to live out sexual fantasies in an environment that I have not had to risk jeopardizing my life outside of this business. While I was approaching the women at the bars I could sense their unease. This was their stomping ground so to speak. They were surrounded by friends, known faces, people that could judge them and therefore not allow them to explore sexual taboos. I had almost forgotten what that environment was like. I have spent so much of this past year surrounded by people that accept my sexuality and respect my need for new experiences. It’s not easy to take what I have gained as Belle and apply that outside of the trade, something I am going to have to learn to accept.

I have become accustomed to voicing what I want and how I want it. It has become natural for me to be open about my sexual experiences and being able to share them with everyone. The outside world doesn’t take too well to sexually aggressive women. Something I was reminded of over and over again on my prowl. So now I am faced with with two problems. One, I have to learn how to handle rejection. I don’t take risks in life or open up at times I likely should because I fear rejection. It’s humiliating to put myself on the line and face that possibility. But I also know that if I don’t go after things I want in life I am going to miss out on many great opportunities. So it’s a matter of finding balance, a happy medium where I can comfortably pursue things I want in my life yet have the confidence in me to accept the possibility of rejection. And second, learning how to incorporate Belle into my life. I still cannot be one and the same. Situations that I am uncomfortable or unfamiliar with I automatically shut off and let Belle take over.

While I love her zest for life and her self confidence, her personality just won’t cut it in my world. Not just my world, but the real world. The world outside of this business. Instead of becoming a different person, I have become 2 different people. I need to blend the two into someone I can live with, respect and be proud of. Again, just as I have said many times, it’s a matter of keeping the right balance. Not always an easy thing to do.

So after this week is said and done I find myself unsatisfied sexually but I gained more than what an orgasm could have given me. I found myself off the pedestal and back on firm ground, reminding myself that I am just like any other. We’re all looking for that balance in our lives and rejection is something we must be willing to face unless we are willing to just sit back and let life pass us by. I don't want that to be me anymore.