I am having a moment of weakness. Yes, even I am capable of such. I cannot remember the last time I had a moment like this. Perhaps it stems from this new contract I have made with myself . I know this all seems so recent, my blogs about transition and change but it has been a slow process that I am just now able to share with you. It has been months of contemplating my life . Trying to put it all into perspective, trying to connect my thoughts and my emotions. I have not allowed myself to feel for so long and now that I have given myself the okay to do so, things in my life seem so confusing. It’s not simple, the way my life has been. It’s quite complicated and I am scared to death, to be quite honest.
I am scared because I don’t know what to expect. When you block others out you don’t care. You know life will be predictable. You wake up alone, you go to bed alone. You know next week you will wake up alone, go to bed alone. Next month, you will wake up alone, go to bed alone. The phone doesn’t ring aside from clients, the email box is empty aside from clients and the only thoughts you have are what to pick up for dinner aside from what time your next appointment with a client is. You know what to expect and you don’t care. It’s safe and it’s guaranteed.
The thing is, I have made my life strictly family and business. I have considered anything personal as a sign of weakness. But in reality I have come to see that in fact my fear of getting personal is my true sign of weakness. I do not have the strength in me to take risks, the confidence to rebound if I get hurt or the trust in others to let go. One year ago, even six months ago I couldn’t have cared about those things. Being at my crossroads in life I know I have to accept that my life is changing and I must learn to change with it.
I have learned some things about myself these past few months that I never wanted to know. I know I do not want to be alone the rest of my life. I know I need someone to witness my life….my accomplishments, my failures, my laughter and my tears… yes, I do hope to cry someday. But I also know I want the dream. I want a man that can be honest with me . I want a man who will share his life with me, open up to me and make me feel safe enough to do the same in return. I want a man that shares the same goals in life, the same dreams and wants to travel in the same adventures as I. Is that life in the stars for me, I’m not so sure but I do know that when I m ready, I won’t settle for anything less again.
And then I contemplate this business and its’ effect on my 10 year plan. I know I will have to explain my journey as an escort at some point to a significant other. Will it ever be understood? Will it ever be accepted? It is a big part of my journey to become who I am today and I will never be ashamed of it, just the opposite. But will he be able to understand just how much it has meant to me and be happy for me to have had such wonderful experiences? Do I just start out the first date by telling him what I did before I met him? I can’t hide it, I don’t want to hide it but will I ever find a man willing to accept it?
I never really thought about things like that when I considered escorting. But the reality is that I am proud of Belle. I like feeling the way I do about life as escorting has given me a new outlook so to speak. But it is not who I am, it is what I do. I know in these circles I will always be Belle. There is no escaping that. There is no way to carry on within this group as anything else but. I also know when I am ready to make that break, when Belle has become all that she can be that I must break those circles too. Something that will be very hard to do. Something I am not so sure my heart will be willing to let me do.
I suppose the point I am trying to make in all of this rambling is, will I ever be able to be me again? Belle was supposed to be a compliment to me but I am realizing that she has become me. In some ways this is a blessing, in other ways a curse. There will come a time I need to let her go, is that going to be possible? Will I ever be able to live a “normal” life again? You know, the life where a man asks to kiss me as opposed to assuming I will have sex with him within the first hour of meeting. Normal being where I never accept money for my time yet am able to give it out of my own free will. Normal to the point that a man will not rate the experience with me and share it with hundreds of others but keep it private as it was an intimate time we shared. Normal where my stomach is full of butterflies because I am falling in love with him not because I worry if he is going to hurt me in some way.
I truly wonder if any woman has been able to walk away and never look back. To not have this business creep up on her everywhere she turns. Yes, it is a fun time, a time for learning about one’s self and letting go of your inhibitions but it is not a lifetime. A good time, but not a lifetime. Or is it?
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