I have been spending time lately going back through my journey this past 14months. I have been reading my blog entries and my early posts on the review boards. I am not too sure what I have been looking for except to see what has changed in my life. Where have I grown and when do I hold back. Is there anything I regret? Is there something I need to change? If I could do things differently, would I and if so, what would I do?
I am proud to say I am perfect! Ok, made me laugh as it’s the first thing that came to my mind so I wrote it! In reality, I suppose we could all change some things in our lives. I could have been a little less blunt at times but then I wouldn’t be honest. I could have opened up a little more at times that you can tell I have held back but that would leave me vulnerable. Is there anything I regret? No. I have learned not to regret making mistakes. I appreciate making them as I do my best to learn from them. I never make a choice without thinking it through, weighing the pros and cons and I usually opt in the best interest of others. There……that is one thing I would like to change.
My posts are carefully written, and for the sake of business they must be. I cannot just ramble my thoughts here for all of you to read without considering to some extent how it would affect you, my clients and my readers (or feelers for those of you reading my Braille version!). My life is very predictable and well thought out. No, it doesn’t always go as planned but I always feel the need to keep that predictability. Why?
Why can I not just be spontaneous? Why can I not just “do” without contemplating what I will be doing? Why must I have everything planned in detail as opposed to “just winging it”? I’ve thought a lot about this tonight. Never in my life have I just jumped feet first into something without researching what I would be doing. Yes, I made a wild and crazy choice to become an SP, but it wasn’t without doing my homework. So while I have found myself being more adventurous in my life, I still take no chances. I have never known how to let go that way. But in writing this I think I may have figured out why. It’s all about responsibility.
Somewhere in my messed up little head (yes, it’s very cluttered up there!) I have the notion that spontaneity equals irresponsibility. Rationalizing it right here and now, it doesn’t make any sense, I know. But that is my first reaction when I am contemplating doing something unplanned. If I just do it, I am being irresponsible. I do have responsibilities in my life, we all do. But if I do something spontaneous when all of my responsibilities are taken care of, is that so wrong? (This is where you all shake your heads NO!) I know it’s not, so how do I reprogram my way of thinking?
I want to feel free. Free to make my own decisions without worrying what others may think. Free to do things in my life for me and not for others. Why is it that I feel I do not have that right? I think I may have some searching within to be able to answer that. I do know that I have missed out on many great opportunities by being so practical and I don’t want to watch the train leave the station anymore! Anyone else out there left standing on that platform with me? Or maybe you used to be a train watcher and have learned how to board? Or…anyone with a psychology degree? I think I’m gonna need professional help with this one!
5 comments:
One of the most successful corporations in the world has a three word slogan that has become the calling cry for many people. This company is socially responsible, yet is not hesitant to push the envelope every once in a while. Nike - "Just Do It"
"I want to feel free. Free to make my own decisions without worrying what others may think. Free to do things in my life for me and not for others. Why is it that I feel I do not have that right? I think I may have some searching within to be able to answer that. I do know that I have missed out on many great opportunities by being so practical and I don’t want to watch the train leave the station anymore! Anyone else out there left standing on that platform with me? Or maybe you used to be a train watcher and have learned how to board?"
I am so on the platform with you!!! :( I do pick my spots to push that envelope every once in a while but GOD I so want to more....Society most likely us that way....
If I have read your blog correctly Belle was created partially to fulfill that need of spontaneity and seems to have served you well up to a point. I have no magical solution to your dilemma except to recommend that you to continue on your journey, follow those well honed instincts you have and make damn sure you have an excellent, understanding support group from all walks of your life. I have always found that following my heart, as scary a proposition as that maybe, seems to "control" my spontaneous behavior, resulting in some good and some bad decisions, but in the end I am grateful that I followed it. You only get one chance on Earth (as far as I know) and make the most of it. Good luck!!
Spontaneity. Much over-rated., shit it’s even hard to spell.
Like most things, I think it’s a matter of degree.
There’s a real reason to avoid utter spontaneity – most of its results are regrettable. If it seems otherwise, we’re simply not remembering clearly. Now occasionally within a framework of examined risk it does have its moments; but really unless it’s within that framework, complete spontaneity (if it’s even possible) generally means becoming reckless - and usually luckless! It means welcoming chaos! And welcoming chaos implies a trust in my fellow homo-sapiens and the universe in which we cavort that neither my personal experience nor a reading of natural or human history would justify.
Especially in the framework we are dealing with here. Give me anticipation any day! If I want spontaneity I can drive to NF, get a room, phone an agency and say ‘Send whoever’s on.’
You might get lucky: I never have – well once, thank you Candace!
On the other hand, suppose I have pre-booked an engagement with my favorite Lady for a few days hence. Suddenly my week seems a whole lot brighter. I can fantasize and relive past moments of intense joy! Hell, even dealing with the monotony, irritation and shit that might arise and dull become so much more bearable when I can think: In five days I’m going to see Belle and ………..! Mmmmm.
As soon as Belle walks through the door, now spontaneity has its place.
"I am proud to say I am perfect! Ok, made me laugh as it’s the first thing that came to my mind so I wrote it!"
hmmmmm.......... you are.............
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