Back to the basics

Getting back to the basics. I have written about my fantasies, my wild passionate moments shared with adventurous men and playful women. I have walked you through my firsts in this business and tried to open up to you my life as an escort. I have been honest, sometimes brutally so at the risk of jeopardizing my reputation. I have been blunt at times I felt there was something that needed to be said. I have laid it all out for you to see my world through Belle’s eyes.

Lately, through reading my own words I have begun to learn something about myself as well. It is uncanny how I write to teach you a bit about me and I find myself learning more than I am teaching. Perhaps this blog is more of a journey for myself than it is for your entertainment. Or so it seems to be as of late. It is seldom I allow myself to open up to others. I think that is why I enjoy writing so much. I can express myself without feeling stripped and left standing bare at the end.

What experiences I have been able to be a part of! They have opened me up in a way I never thought would have been possible a year ago. I have been able to let go. Let go of my inhibitions, my worries and my fears and give myself to all of you……physically. In reading my past entries I have been trying to see just what it is I am looking for in life. We’re all searching for that “something”. You know, that thing that you have no idea what it is yet you know when you find it that that it is exactly what you have been looking for. I am not sure if this business will ever give me that but I have come to realize that it is time I try this “feelings” thing everyone talks about.

Now don’t go getting all jittery around me quite yet. I am not saying that I am searching for love or wanting to become attached emotionally as I am just way too independent for that but I do want to feel something. I want to walk out of a room and feel satisfied that I have just made a moment in someone else’s life a little brighter. I want to feel safe to let my guard down, to not be so protective of who I am. I want to feel ok with being who I am and not trying so hard to be something I am not. So how do I do that? I go back to the basics.

The basics are quite simple. A man, a woman, naked. That how all of my experiences start out. That how all of our’s starts out. Sure there may be some clothed foreplay to get things going but the actual sexual experience does not turn intimate for me until we are facing one another naked. This is where I shut down. The reality of it is, without Belle I am lost here. I take Belle out of the picture and I feel exposed, awkward, even embarrassed. This is my first task. How do I get past this? How do I stand there and be comfortable to expose myself. How do I allow myself to be looked at and even accept the possibility that he wants me just as I am.

As much as I have loved Belle’s energy and zest for life I despise her for being what I am not. I praise her for her confidence yet curse her for it too. I am so jealous that I cannot allow myself to be what she has become. It sounds crazy I know as we are one but we are opposite one another. More on that in my next entry.

No matter what happens throughout my journey of expression I figure I can’t lose. What is living life all about if we don’t take the time to really know ourselves and one another. There has to be something more out there, something waiting for me. I’m not too sure what that is but I am sure that when I have found it I will know it.