"I" just had sex!

Basic sex. It sounds so boring I know. Why have boring sex when you can have experimental sex. Sex on the couch, the chair, hanging from the rafters……so many ways to try and achieve that ultimate orgasm. It’s fun to experiment, to change things up. So much fun that I almost forgot just how wonderful basic sex is.

Belle has become a very big part of my life the past 14 months. I know I keep coming back to this but it’s a big part of reflecting on who I really am. So much so that my true self has become almost nonexistent. I have lived through her eyes. It has been easier to hide behind them. To put my life aside, to bury my insecurities, to simply pretend I am as she is to you. In doing that I have lost touch with my wants and desires. Yes, Belle has provided me with many great memories…almost surreal ones! But that is not what I am looking for tonight. Tonight I just want to be me, naked with a man. Not Belle, but me.

No, this night Belle was nowhere to be found. For a short time I let myself feel a man against my skin. Not through Belle’s skin but through my own. Something I have not felt since I created Belle. I needed to be a part of something much bigger than what Belle is. I needed to feel me again.

I knew this moment would come. It is something I have planned for quite sometime. I knew who it would be with. I didn’t know when, but I knew who. I did not consider this a mission, something I had to accomplish but I knew if I was to ever have an experience like this, it was him I would have it with. Why did I choose him? I wish I could answer that. He is not someone I would normally pursue. That is not a bad thing at all, but perhaps that made me feel more safe. Someone I know I couldn’t take this experience any further with. Someone I had never been with sexually but felt that I needed to be with. Someone that has not tried to get too personal with me nor shown any interest in me aside from a sexual perspective. But at the same time he is someone that I feel respects me and what I do. He doesn’t look down on me and he is sure of who he is. He isn’t wanting anything more than to live life, laugh and enjoy good times. No commitments, no strings. Just good times.

It was not a performance. It was not about making sure he had the time of his life. It was not with the intention of getting a good review out of it. It was so much more because it was not about Belle. There was no cell phone ringing to remind me of the time. There was no jumping up and getting dressed at the sound of the car outside the door. It was even slightly awkward after as I really did not know what to do. Should I just get up and walk away? It was like my first time all over again, a feeling I am not used to. Of course I’m not used to it….it’s a feeling! But it was a good one.

It was reassuring to know that I can feel. I have not totally lost myself in Belle. We talked about nothing, yet said everything. Most importantly, I opened up. I was honest, no hiding behind Belle. And it felt really good. It was back to the basics. Me. A Man. Naked. And it couldn’t have been any better. Just this once I find myself unable to share with you the details. I want to but I just can't. It was too personal, too intimate for me. Something I just need to keep with me.

So enough of that. I’ve shared with you an insight that I never thought I would here. But I am okay with that because it is who I am. I realize that I do need to open up sometimes and even take a risk once in awhile. I am not living if I am not feeling and I think I’m way too young to not live. So I apologize for rambling this past week and want to say thanks for listening. Your emails and pm’s have been great. You’ve made me smile and more importantly made me realize that even though I have led myself to believe I’m traveling this road alone you’re all there walking it with me. Just another reason why I love what I do!