I've had my moments

A few weeks ago I was on my way to St. Catharines and a song came on the radio. I had never heard it before but the lyrics have played over in my head. It is about a man walking across a bridge, he’s ready to end his life. He is followed by a homeless man so he reaches into his pocket to give him the change that he won’t be using anyways. The homeless man says to him “Looking at me you wouldn’t know it but I’ve had my moments. I haven’t always been this way. Moments like when my son was born, the plane ride coming home from the war…I’ve had my moments.” It is a beautiful song and for some reason it touched me. (It’s called “Moments” by Emerson Drive).

I went to the Seneca Casino a couple of nights ago to spend the night. As you know, I do not like to drive so I was dropped off at the Canadian side of the border and walked with my shoulder bag and my laptop across the bridge. It was about 6pm, just beginning to get dark. I passed through customs and headed for the casino, only a ten minute walk or so. Just up the street I passed a black man. I looked at him and nodded as I walked past and he stopped. He said “excuse me ma’am, no need to be afraid of a black man.” I wasn’t sure what to say but apologized for appearing to be afraid of him.

We stood there on the sidewalk, a few feet from each other as he told me of how he stopped a woman up the street to say ‘Hello’ and she cursed him, calling him ignorant names. I then apologized for her behavior as well. We talked a minute about race and society as he fidgeted with a manila envelope he was carrying. He told me he was a 50 year old man and that he was not a bum. He told me about his family, talked a little about God and then began to explain the welfare system in New York.

I thought of this song that for some reason stuck in my head the first time I had heard it. The words were so profound, and as this man was telling me his story I swear I could hear it playing. I’d hate to sound like ‘one of those people’ but it was like a sign telling me to help this man. He told me how welfare could not give him money without a mailing address and proof that he paid to live there. He then told me that the YMCA had a program for the homeless and that they rent rooms out at the rate of $14 per night, and they would allow him to use their address to collect welfare.

Ok, I know where this is going and what he was asking me. And he could have been shooting me a line of crap, but my instincts told me he was sincere. And while he was talking to me I was uncomfortable. Not so much of him, for some reason I did not fear my safety with him. But then society came in to play. I thought, if I am to give him money I will have to put my laptop on the ground. Someone might steal it. I then have to open up my shoulder bag where I would find my purse. I would have to kneel on the ground to go through my bag and this would leave me vulnerable to anyone who would consider taking advantage of me. I am in heeled boots, I cannot run. I left my cell phone at home, I have no way to call for help.

I told this man that I did not have any money with me, just my credit card, and I walked away. And it was then that I realized jut how ignorant society has made me. Yes, this man could have just run off to the closest liquor store for a cheap bottle of booze, but he could have run to the YMCA for a warm place to sleep too. I felt so ashamed for walking away from him. I walked away with $800 American in my wallet and I did not give this man a dime. I am angry that I worried about my laptop being stolen and did not concern myself with where this man was going to sleep that night. I tell myself that if I had a car and someone else with me I would have driven him to the Y and given him the money for a few nights stay but that doesn’t matter. I still turned on him and walked away.

How cold have we become? How did it come to be that we are so selfish, so fearful to trust others? I know it’s scary out there, but to turn away from someone who has nothing when I have so much makes me feel ill. I am disappointed with myself. Me, of all people, who fights everyday to stop people from judging me and I sat there with judgment in my own eyes. I will never know if he was kept warm that night or if he shivered in a park somewhere alone. I cannot help feeling that I could have helped him but was too damned selfish to do so.

I will not be able to make it up to him. I cannot take back the fact that I walked away. But after I got home I thought a lot about what I could do. Not to make myself feel better, not to redeem myself in any way but to help someone else who might show up on the doors of the YMCA and be told they need $14 to stay warm. I want to visit the Y, the next time I can get there and offer to donate $300 just for this purpose, to use at their discretion. I am sure many abuse the system, It an unfortunate reality. But if the Y feels someone is down on luck and truly need a place to sleep, a warm blanket to cover them for the night that they could take it out of my donation. I am not too sure if they would do this, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.I don’t want to walk away again. It is so disheartening that we live in the world that we do today. People are hungry and cold and we keep on walking. It’s wrong, it’s just so damn wrong.

Belle