Brazilian waxing...it's just WRONG!

Brazilian waxing. Sounds exotic doesn’t it? Well I am here to tell you there is not a damn thing exotic about it! In fact, I don’t even see anything Brazilian about it! For those of you out there that do not know what a Brazilian wax is I’ll spell it out for you. P-A-I-N. No pretty way to spell it out. It is having your hair ripped out by its roots in your most private of places, from the very front, to the very back.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Ya know, women really get the shit end of the stick. We’re teens and we hit the cramps that come with womanhood. Every single month (and for most women, 30-40 years of this) we put up with bloating and the muscle spasms that would send most men to the ground in the fetal position. Then our chest decides it’s going to grow these lumps. They don’t happen overnight and if you have luck like me these growing pains come the same time as the cramps every month. I really got the shit end of the stick here as I got the chest pains but the damn lumps never came!

Then we voluntarily decide to have an eight pound body live within our own. We now suffer back pain and nausea like no man could endure not to mention the pain of our internal organs being rearranged to make room. Then we spend many excruciatingly painful hours getting these eight pound beings out of our bodies. Not only do we do this once but for some of us, over and over again! Then we nurse these babies, which brings about a whole new set of stomach pains, not to mention more chest pains. I’d like to say we escape all of that with no scarring but no, we get that too. If we happen to be spared the scarring we still walk away with a detailed road map of our journey.

Then you men tell us that when our beaten bodies finally make it to bed, we are not smooth enough! So this is where I am at tonight…the wax.I hate shaving, I hate trying to keep up with shaving and I hate paying $15 for four “triple blade” razor blades every couple of weeks. Rumor has it that the “Brazilian” is the way to go so I thought I might as well give it a try. It may just be a small price to pay to avoid the daily shave. Well it ain’t no small price to pay! (Yes I’m aware that is not proper grammar but give me a break, my pussy is swollen and it’s not from great sex!)

I walk in… the spa I am visiting for the first time is the home of a very sweet woman. It’s nine pm, her last appointment of the day. She then informs met that the construction crew on the second floor has been told not to interrupt. I am about to be bare-assed naked in the middle of a living room and a simple staircase is the only thing that separates me from a crew of men hammering on the floor above me. You would think I would be comfortable with that, after all I never have so much as a sheet between complete strangers and myself but that is Belle and this is me.

She asks me to strip from the waist down and lay on my back on the massage bed she has prepared for me. I felt like being at the doctor’s office with the same paper they use running the length of the bed. Sanitary at least. We chat as I watch her stir the pink wax and slap it on my pussy with a popsicle stick. A sheet of something (looks like paper, but just what is it they use?) is then placed over top of the wax. She presses hard and runs her fingers up and down this sheet to be sure the wax has blended well. Then one, two three and RRRIP! My eyes must have bugged out of my head. My knees curled up to my chest and every muscle from my thighs to my chest convulsed. I looked down and there was a 3cm by 3cm strip gone. Do you know just how many 3cm by 3cm strips this took? I didn’t have the patience to count but it was a lot! RRRIP after RRRIP after RRRIP for 20 minutes. My entire body was in a sweat, so much so that when she asked me to roll over and stick my ass in the air, the paper sheet I was laying on had stuck to my back like toilet paper on stubble. Which was a good thing as it gave me a few minutes to look for my eye balls on the floor while she cleaned off my back.

I am telling you, the shit us women endure just to make you men happy damn well better not go unappreciated. So the next time you find yourself in bed with a woman who has a nice smooth pussy, please recognize what she goes through to get that way. Oh, and to the ladies out there….a little piece of advice. Shoppers Drug Mart sells an aloe gel to use for minor skin abrasions, sun burns, chafing etc. Don’t use this crap after waxing, it has an antiseptic that stings like a son of a bitch! I’m off to pamper my swollen but smooth as a baby’s bottom pussy now….