After reading part 1 you may think it was written out of hurt, that I had surrendered and accepted defeat. I can assure you that although staying committed to my pact hasn't been naturally easy, it has been a beautiful blessing. It is still automatic for me to feel a slight hint of jealousy. It is still automatic for me to want to own or limit. I still find myself defaulting to the rules. It had been ingrained in me my entire life to react that way. But now I am aware when those feelings arise and I talk them down. I acknowledge them, rationalize them, then talk them down in my head and they go away. They aren't really how I feel, they are just an auto response.
My relationship with Him, the same Him I've written about in recent posts had been the biggest test in my pact. And I have written so much about him as of late because it was a very defining relationship for me. One I wish everyone had the chance to be a part of. We had great sex. If you read my post about great sex you will know exactly what I mean by that. But it wasn't purely sexual. We hung out a lot. Concerts, pool at the local bar, karaoke, sitting on the front step talking until the sun comes up, road trips, camping...we truly enjoyed one another's company.
He had everything any woman would possibly want in a man, everything a woman could fall in love with. He was attentive, smart, sexy, great in bed, great taste in music. I could have easily fallen in love...if I was the same woman I was many years ago. I could have easily wanted to own him, to call him mine. I could have limited his life, put rules on how he lived it and tried sculpting him into the perfect package of a man I had tried with all others before him.
But He was different. For the first time, the most amazing man walked into my life and treated me better than any man ever had. I trusted him more than any other, opened up to him more than any other, truly enjoyed being in his presence more than any other. He was better in bed than any other, sexier than any other and stimulated me more physically and mentally than any other. And because of all of those things, I did not love him.
After one very passionate night in a hotel room he was getting dressed in the morning and with his sexy swagger walked up to me and hugged me and with a cheeky grin asked, "Are you in love with me yet?". We had talked about love and how we both felt about it so he knew coming up to me and asking me that, exactly what I would say. "No, I'm not in love with you ". Good", he said. And walked away with the same cheeky grin.
I thought about that conversation when I got home and I smiled. Not loving him was so much better than loving him. Not wanting to hold him back, not wanting to limit his life and place rules on him was so much better than loving him. Seeing him smile every time we are together, having us both look forward to the time we spend doing nothing, doing everything. If we loved one another we would have had many fights by now. We had yet to have one. If we loved one another we would be so cautious in what we say, how we look, how we act. And because we didn't love, we were just ourselves, all the time. No expectations, no hurt feelings, no jealousy, nothing to complicate these two wonderful people just trying to get through life.
No, I don't love you. I love how you make me feel; about myself, about life. I love how you kiss me, I love the feeling of your skin against mine. I love your arms around me, your laugh, your smile, your scent. I love that you're unpredictable and a little crazy, I love your off the wall thoughts. I love our conversations, our silence, our time together, our time apart. I love that you accept me and ask nothing more of me, I love that you can open up to me and feel free to be yourself. But no I do not love you because not loving you is so much better.