The Voice in the Woods

Today was the first time in a long time that I actually felt like I wanted someone in my life. It should have been a great feeling I would have thought; to not want to be alone. I found a peaceful place to read a book while I was geocaching last week so I went back to revisit today, just for a casual stroll. I was a little too antsy to bring a book as my mind has been racing with all that has been going on in my life as of late. A mindset not ideal for delving into a complicated plot. So I just walked.

This is my happy place, the great outdoors. I feel connected and a sense of well-being overcomes me as I take in the sunlight that creeps through the tree cover above. It has always been my place to be alone, to clear my mind, to connect with who I am. I have never an intrusion here, so I was left feeling a little betrayed by my thoughts today. I felt solemn as I walked alone. I appreciated the silence but wished I had someone to share that same appreciation for the silence. This is my place dammit, my feel good place. My place where my life is not to be intruded upon. Yes, I felt betrayed by those thoughts.

We live in a world where society dictates who we should be, how we should act, what we should think. Society tells us we need love in our lives, that we cannot be happy alone. Society dictates what constitutes the norm and God forbid we live our lives outside of its expectations. Society says we should cry when times are tough, we should reach out when we feel alone. I say “Fuck society” and I venture outdoors. I like taking time out alone when I am feeling overwhelmed. When I am grumpy or angry or those days that I hate the world and feel lost, I need to be alone. I need to walk, to connect myself with the basics, with the roots of where we all come from. I find my happy place alone in nature, needing to surround myself with trees, water and silence. What I don’t need here is some nagging voice telling me there should be someone walking alongside me.

If I want to take the path to the right, I take it. I don’t want to compromise with anyone. I don’t want to justify why I want to veer to the right. I just do it because I feel like doing it. If I see a nice spot to just sit and think, I sit and think. I don’t want to explain what I am thinking about nor do I care to have my thoughts interrupted by someone else’s breathing beside me. I just want to think, by myself, about nothing or maybe about everything. Who cares? It’s my happy place and I can do here what I want to! So why the hell am I being interrupted by this annoying squeaky voice telling me I should be sharing this moment with someone? Who the fuck let society in here dammit?

There is nothing sane in here. Nothing makes sense. I don’t think like society expects me to, I don’t act like society expects me to, I am not who society expects me to be. But that is the beauty of my happy place. I don’t have to be! So why the hell did society follow me in here? I am not a conformist (in case any of you have not noticed). I refuse to accept that I need someone in my life to hold my hand. And most times I believe it, most times. But today really bothered me none the less. I feel strong for the first time in my life. I feel confident and in control. I own myself, nobody else has title on me. And no one, including that damn nagging voice, has any right to tell me I should live my life otherwise.

You likely know of the saying “That which does not destroy us makes us stronger”. It was a quote by Friedrich Nietzsche. What you may not know is that he wrote another aphorism. "The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself". I love that quote and can relate to what he is saying. Of course, he was mentally ill and institutionalized at the time of his death.:rolleyes: