Christmas Spirit

I got to thinking tonight. I know, I should really stop that. But tonight there is no Peter Gabrielle and no Icewine so I should get through this one unscathed. Christmas is upon us, creeping up sooner than many care to acknowledge. The holiday season seems to bring mixed emotions to people, depending on where you are at in your life. I have had the chance to talk with a lot of clients recently about their views and what the season holds for them. I almost feel guilty that I am so blessed, but I didn’t start out this holiday season with such high esteem.

It goes back to changes. A lot of changes that have left me in a different place this year. Old traditions must come to an end and it is up to me to create new ones. Change is good, it keeps things refreshing but some things I fight hard to keep the same. Christmas traditions have been one of those things. It has always been about family, catching up, great laughs and bonding. When those bonds have been severed it changes the foundation of such traditions.

I love Christmas, it has grown almost larger than life in my soul. I love the shopping, the music, the lights and the trees. I love the greetings, the smiles, the snow, the giddy feeling I get when I fantasize about Christmas Day. But I am not a fan of unexpected change. When it’s on my terms I am okay with it, but not when it involves something beyond my control. This year I have been reserved, trying to fight that urge to hide under the sheets until it’s over. It’s not like me and I anger at myself for allowing me to let something I have no control over, control me.

It’s self pity, something I don’t give in to often. It’s wasted energy, a useless emotion. It serves no purpose but to self destruct and I have allowed it to become a part of me. I am angry that I have lost so much this year, even more angry that I have depended so much on what I have lost. If I didn’t depend, I wouldn’t pity. It’s that simple. So here it is, Christmas around the corner and I am angry. I am angry and hurt and angry for being angry. Until tonight.

I shared with many people, some not even knowing who I am, pictures of my Christmas tree. It has quite noticeably been decorated by my children and it is the most beautiful tree I have ever seen. And I realized that I was the envy of so many. They were envious that I have kids to share Christmas with. They were envious that my lights were set up, garland hanging from my fireplace mantel. They were envious that that tree would shine bright every night for the next month or so and that I would have my children to share it with every night. They were envious that Christmas morning I will wake to eager children with grins from ear to ear anticipating what Santa had left for them. They were envious of me.

Here I am wallowing in self pity and people are envious of me. I felt guilty, so guilty for not seeing just how lucky I truly am. I have been blessed with a wonderful life. Even with lifelong traditions being broken, I am blessed to be able to make new ones and have my children to share that with. I will not wake Christmas morning alone like so many will. I will enjoy a beautiful home cooked Christmas turkey unlike so many. My children will have many gifts to open, something that is a gift in itself as many children will not have that luxury. I truly am blessed.

So I want to dedicate this blog entry to those of you that will be wanting and needing, this Christmas. Thank you for reminding me just how lucky I really am. Thank you for waking me up and bringing back my Christmas Spirit. I have no reason to pray for me this holiday season but I promise I will pray for all of you. I will pray for love, for happiness and for all of you to be able to have the chance I have this Christmas….to make new traditions.