Coming back to the business after a nearly three year hiatus
has been slightly overwhelming. Some may say it’s like riding a bike, hop on
and ride away and from the outside looking in it may just seem that simple but
for me, not so much. Sure, the inner workings have not changed. But coming back
I have had to face what I left behind and that for me is not easy.
What has allowed me to create such a fun, successful persona
as Belle is my ability to detach myself. I make it sound like that is some sort
of super power I posess, but in reality it has bitten me in the ass more times
that I can count. I can walk away. I walk away when I’m hurt. I walk away when
I fear rejection and I walk away when I am afraid of something. Now most people
when they walk away they take some time to cool down, rationalize the situation
then turn around and face it with a clearer understanding. Me...I just keep on
walking. Yes, my super power allows me to emotionally remove myself from all
that I walk away from.
I left Belle to start a new life, a life I had often
wondered if I was capable of living. I did not look back, not once. When I met
him, I shut my Belle life down. From that day I never checked my email, visited
my website, browsed the boards or had any contact in any way whatsoever with
Belle’s world. I simply walked away from it all. I felt it only fair to give
this man all of me.
Coming back I have had to face conversations left
unfinished, feeling that were hurt, questions people had regarding their own
doing in my decision to walk away; friendships that I turned my back on and the
aftermath of doing so. And more so this past few weeks than ever I have
realized that while I have tooted my own horn for being so good at keeping
emotion out of all of this, the reality is that I am human, Belle is a part of
me and I hurt for walking away without explanation to those close to me that
deserved that much. I don’t regret my time away but I do regret the way in
which I left.
It is with mutual understanding for those that participate
in this hobby that there is no room for love, jealousy or commitment. That is
the beauty of what we all do here. But there is room for caring for those we
build friendships with. I only wish I had allowed myself that knowledge three
years ago.
Perhaps it was my need for separation to survive in this
world but whatever the reason I now realize that I left behind a wonderful
circle of friendship and support, people who were truly caring of not Belle,
but me.; a humbling yet defining realization in my journey.
14 comments:
I have no clue as to whom you are but as a person watching from the queue line, here would be my thoughts...
words vs actions
The other people were always the ones to step up and restart things... many times - it's time for this person to take the humility and do it. May not work with everybody.
Trust was broken - might heal, might not, might take a very long time - not hard to see why some were left where they were and was ok with it if it progressed to where it was thought it would, but still a shitty way to do that to some of those ''friends'' of yours.
I believe if you go back in your blog you will see a reference as to friends and what they get out of eachother. I seem to remember something like they take from eachother that progresses their lives and then they sort of part ways. I always hated that way of thinking. True there are circumstances where that might happen but true friends don't do that. They are there all the time.
When you call for help at 2am and....
1) the person that refuses to answer the phone,is a person you should drop as a friend.
2) the person that comes to bail you out, is a true friend.
3) the person is sitting right next to you in jail, with us laughing our butts off, wondering how the heck did we end up here, now thats a keeper.
Phones work both ways. That's why those without numbers on them, don't sell. Caller ID in some situations is also bad. Pick the phone up - someone actually wants to talk with you. Down on yourself and closing ones self off is stupid when the phone is ringing.
and try being really honest with those close to you. No fake or BS needed.
Everyone has feelings, some more / some less. Think of others.
You pick your friends - family you get stuck with by birth.
Again just an observation, don't hold me to it or take out of town debit cards.
You are spot on and have every right to say so. I cannot nor will not try to explain away the hurt I have caused many. I accept that I made some very selish decisions.
This post sadly, could be from a number of people so without knowing which I will simply say I am sorry. I was wrong. I am sorry.
well farther up the queue line now, luckily there is a hotdog cart here to satisfy my hunger pains.
Words on a blog won't do it. You need to take the effort in action. The more effort put into it and shown to them, the more it will help them decide. This isn't the first time like I said, that this has happend. It's not up to others to repair these things. If they meant that much to you - it's your turn. Get up off your couch and badly bitten rear-end (you should already be standing anyway), do something about it or let it pass. Oh it won't happen right away as they are leary of you but I'm sure they miss you too. I'm sure they have or had another do a ''drive by'' to check up on things.
I'm sure they will make you pay with a little or lot of hazing.
When the fourology(?) comes around, this won't happen. Your mature enough to understand that this is probably it.
but what do I know. I'm just here fishing
As someone who has been apologized to... I would like to say in this Forum
Apology fully accepted
but I would also like to say.... Apology so not needed...
Now back to the rowing machine
Getting to the end of this queue line is a bitch. Glad theres these fans here blowing away the hot air.
Well too there are friends that you associate with and then there is that group of four or so that were the core of conspirators shall we say ?
I know that you won't be getting a couples xmas card from one.
Another one is seldom seen as he is out in his mindless flower garden and must be there to clean dog hairs off of that flower - kind of gross.
Then theres the troublesome two. The one is all about party~party and I think would not have a problem reuniting as friends. The other aloof one is a piece of work as he never fit the mold. He was probably hurt the most.
See you talk about your issues here - well others have way worse problems than you. Yet they were counting on you to be there for them as they were for you. Their demons kind of took a toll on them as they didn't have anyone to help them, with you departing like that. You have kids to turn to for that fill of loneliness and others have nobody. They knew where things were going and would be happy to step aside a little bit more. Six is a crowd in a relationship - plus the underlying history there that the BF knew.
So it's gonna take a phone call or a crash visit from you to get the ball rolling - or let it be.
How much did it really mean to you ?
I believe the first time it was resolved by the two monkeys at the Riverside tavern in Chippawa.
The second time was at the American Casino bar, in the center of it all with all three there.
Third ??
This is where you need to step up. You admitted yourself that it was your decision and fault, so they aren't going to do it - the puck is in your court?
It's off to super-wally we go. You know you can buy full sized meat rabbits there ? no kidding, $20.
Ps, you can delete these as you wish.
Wow...
what gives??? Man???
I can handle your comments to me, I have hurt some and I deserve it and I will do my best in time to right some wrongs as best I can but I will not tolerate any kind of ignorant remarks about anyone else here on my blog, especially comments of a personal nature.
You can be hurt, you can be angry, hell... you can be down right pissed off but here, on my blog I expect a little..no alot of maturity and respect. There is a time and a place for drama and this is not it.
Never have I deleted a blog or a comment to any of my posts save for the one I just omitted. If this request can not be respected then perhaps there is nothing to repair after all as I would not care to befriend anyone that does not have the maturity to respect others and handle issues of a personal nature in a private setting.
So if you are able to make things right with the friends you left behind, what will you do when the next Mr. Right comes along? Will you walk away from your friends again?
Now that's an interesting question. Of course you never know what is going to happen in the future.
but as we can see here, it's starting to look like the same as the past as far as the blog goes. History has shown us that it means more to some than others. See we get the ''I miss my writting'' and we enjoy the stories and insight but they seem to go in spurts and then totally nothing. Forgotten again. So if the writting is something that is so held dear to someone and cast aside so easily, then probably the friendships will again be too.
Again we know that the otherside of life is busy but don't blow smoke up peoples butts.
....This IS what we expected
three weeks quiet.
anyway...Happy Thanksgiving everyone
I wonder if you still know we care?
I wonder if you still know that we care
I wonder if you still know that we care
is this thing still on ???
well that went as expected.
Oh happy B-day by the way.
over a year has passed and never got that phone call.
and those that did got bumped and never met up.
too bad.
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