It has been a long time since I have felt inspired to write. Life has taken it's turns and somehow I had lost myself in it all. I have been wandering, looking for my place, feeling torn between a life that by all accounts is the one society says I should live; and Belle. And in one night, one hot passionate night, I found my answer.
What I have been doing wrong all along is separating the two, me from her. We are but one yet I have never allowed myself to accept we are the same. So it is to him that I owe my thanks. He saved a woman that has always insisted she didn't need saving.
Looking back on the writing I have done in the past four months I have had time to evaluate and make sense of this love affair. I needed time to compose my perspective to be able to share it freely. When I initially posted this writing, it was without a foreword and so I took it down to have time to explain to him and prepare him and be sure he understood where my writing comes from, And to do that, I had to explain Belle. He had already met her but he had no idea about her. Talks have been had, understandings have been met and now I want to share with all of you reading, what happens when I go there....
It has been a secret lust for years. Everyone has one. That one person you can never have, that is untouchable, forbidden. He is mine. For all the years I have known him, we have been respectfully platonic. There has never been an exchange of glances or sly grins, no sexual innuendos, no teasing or foreplay. We are co-workers. He was a married man, I was a married woman. We are both well respected professionals. But not this night, no, this night we were none of the above.
Both of us now unattached and still I saw him as untouchable and he is most certainly still forbidden. Bound by the constraints of a working relationship, it wasn't until a perhaps not-so-innocent comment he made about not having sex in over a year that I decided to take a huge risk and proposition him. We left work just an hour after that comment was made and my head was reeling. I let that moment go too long, allow time to pass and I may never get another window. And so as soon as I walked in my door, a quick message through social media to him was sent.
"I wasn't going to go there, but you did so...my number is ###-###-####, just say when and where."
And then I held my breath. it is not too often I act without thinking things through. I justified it by telling myself that lusting for him for 20 years was more than enough time to think this through. But I knew this was a great risk. I value my relationships with my co-workers. Their respect means a lot to me. I had so much to lose.
An instant reply and he was in. Just. Like. That. Things don't happen like that in my personal life. As Belle, maybe. But not as me. And just like that night at work, I wasn't going to let any time pass so I set it up for last night. Somewhere in all of this, somehow, Belle took over. Maybe it was just too much for me to handle. I don't behave like this, this is Belle's territory. So I handed her the steering wheel and we went for a little ride.
I booked a room and sent him on a little treasure hunt to find the key. He had no idea what he was looking for until my directions led him to it. Attached to the key was the hotel card and room number. I have never booked a room for random sex. Hell, Belle has never booked a room for random sex! He sent me a text with the assurance he would be waiting there for me and that he was looking forward to it. I had to work last night but knew I would be leaving early. I tried so hard to focus on my job at hand but my palms were sweaty and my heart was pounding. This was becoming a messy combination of Belle and myself and the thought of the two combining terrified the hell out of me. It wasn't all Belle, she doesn't get nervous and sweaty. And this isn't me, I would never approach a man in such an aggressive way. But together the two of us were in such intense anticipation for what the night would bring.
Finally, just 2 hours into my shift (that seemed like a lifetime that night), I was sent home. Home? Oh hell no, there won't be any going home for me tonight....