I can still taste the drip. Slowly from the back of my nose it makes its way down my throat. It has such a sour taste yet its feel is so sweet. It is the assurance that the ultimate high is to come. This is the moment I live for. The moment when I feel reality drift away. I find myself in a place where I am untouchable. No one can hurt me here. For the next hour, two if it’s a good line, I am ruler of my world. Those things people say about me, they don’t hurt. Those hurtful things I say about myself, they don’t hurt me here.
No, this is my place. Here, I can talk to anyone without fearing I will say something wrong. I am alive here and more importantly, I feel worthy to be alive here. When that drip begins its travel, I begin to dream of all I want to be and believe it may happen one day. I imagine being a stewardess for a large airline. I picture myself giving the emergency preparedness speech. I have always wanted to do that. “Please note the exits at the rear (point) mid (point) and front (point) sections of the aircraft….” Yes, I would dream that was me.
Sometimes I am a teacher. 30 little faces looking up at me, soaking up every word I speak to them. I would imagine field trips, showing them the world. Teaching them how to make friends, not to bully and try to explain why there are three ways to spell “two, to and too”. Other times I am just somebody. I could never figure out who that somebody was but I just wanted to make my mark, change someone’s life, make a difference in the world even if in some small way.
But as I come down I realize I am not a stewardess nor a teacher but a coke head. I’m not changing any lives, just ruining my own. No field trips, just the field I sleep in. Bullies are everywhere, it’s a dog eat dog world out here. And the worst part is, the only exit I have is that line, the sour drip, the burning in my nose.
The above was my life for thankfully, a very short time. I knew it wasn’t me. I knew it wasn’t who I wanted to be. My friends were all addicts. I'd look around me and see parents stoned in front of their children. I would see people living off the food bank because their last bill had to be used for snorting. I knew that would have been me had I continued down that path. But I don’t regret that time in my life as it drove me to feel the way I did stoned….sober. I got that glimpse of being carefree. I could feel what it was like to be confident. I had the sense to know I could get that feeling from living life. I didn't know how, but I knew it was out there. And I am there now, without the cocaine. I think I knew one day I could do it. I wouldn’t have fought so hard for a better life otherwise.
I think we are so quick to say that life is out of our control but I know as I look back on my life I realize that most of my ups and downs were a result of choices I made. I controlled my life, even when I thought I had none. I chose to snort. I chose to stop. We chose to live the lives we live.
I hope I am not naive in thinking that drugs are not as prevalent with teens as they were back then. Wow, I talk like back then was so long ago but really just a short 15 years ago. But it seems kids dabble in drugs a little later in their teens as opposed to us kids who were smoking pot at 12. For my sanity’s sake, raising a teenage daughter, I really hope that’s the case.
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