Sexual Exploration

Sexuality was introduced to me at a very young age. It was not romantic, loving nor comforting. Perhaps that is where my disconnect began. But with disassociation came curiosity.

Living in a society that begrudges a human the right to sexual exploration it was not until these later years in life that I began to indulge those curiosities. Putting aside all preconceived notions I have allowed myself to be vocal with my partners about my sexual needs and desires. And to my advantage, they have been all too happy to oblige.

I have been blessed having been in love three times in the course of my 43 years. And love is a funny thing because it was a very different love each time. We know different loves exist. A love for a mother, a love for a child, a love for your pet. But even love between lovers can be very unique. My first love was a high school romance minus the school. We met in grade 9, he 2 years my senior. Best looking guy in the school, everyone wanted him...and he wanted me. I was the geeky girl, quiet and reserved. Unnoticed. We dated off and on for four years. He gave me my first orgasm, maybe that's why I fell in love with him. It was a teenage love, plans of marriage and kids; we had our whole lives planned out.

Next was my husband. I was in a very confusing place mentally when we met and I will blame my entire marriage on that very fact. I was pregnant just 6 weeks after meeting. So he was the father of my child, later children. And that's the kind of love I had for him. It wasn't a romantic love but he was a good dad and I loved him for that.

Years after separating I began dating and soon fell in love with someone I had known for years. In many ways I think this is the most "normal" love I have had. We dated, actually went out on dates and loved being around one another. Sex was pretty good. We experimented a little but only in the way of positions. But it was good. I know he loved me and I think that is the very reason I stayed with him for four years. It was the first time I had ever felt loved. But that love soon turned into controlling and obsessive behaviour that I just could not settle for.

In between those loves, I had plenty of sex. Sex without love. It's a concept that is very normal for me as I do not buy into the belief that any one doctrine has the right to dictate who, when and how I have sex. Sex is a beautiful thing that I believe is meant to be shared but I do not believe love has to exist to participate in it.

The most fulfilling love I have experienced is with Him. I didn't add him to the list of my three loves above because what I shared with Him was a love without love. This kind of love existed without emotion, without a contractual possession to one another. I had been scared to ever use that word love with him because I am aware of the connotation that surrounds it and I didn't want to have my use of the word misconstrued. And it was only recently that I myself was able to make sense of it.

We had never planned to marry, we didn't even date. We didn't profess to ever want anything more from one another that what the other was willing to give. So we gave to each other an hour here, an evening there, a morning booty call from time to time. That was all we were willing to give. It sounds so cold but I can assure you it was anything but. Because there were no pressures that naturally come with relationships we were able to open up much more than either of us expected. Hot, steamy, animalistic sex turned into...more hot, steamy, animalistic sex. If we were in a relationship, that would have surely dwindled but with us it just kept getting better.

In the time that we were "not" together, I learned to trust a man, feel safe with a man and be vulnerable with a man. For the first time I felt respected, connected and understood. He cared for me and I knew this not by him telling me things he thought I wanted to hear but by the way he looked at me, touched me and most importantly by the way he made me feel about myself. I not only explored my sexual curiosities with him but I also explored my boundaries and through it all came out the end with a better understanding of who I am as a woman.

I've written about my experiences with Him in previous entries and there will be more to follow. I write about them because I think it is so important to make beautiful again what society is so hell bent on destroying. To not be ashamed of these experiences but to share the raw intimacy and its profound significance in our lives.

Sharing these experiences with you is intimidating as it crosses my personal life with my Belle life. By sharing my exploration I fear as Belle I run the risk of clients having similar expectations in regards to services I offer. It is important for me to be clear that my services have not changed, that these experiences I write about are events I have chosen to pursue in my personal life only as my safety is of the utmost importance always.

xo Belle

The ties that bind

There are some experiences in life that shape us forever. They change how we think, how we feel, how we relate to the world around us. And sometimes those experiences are so intimate, so profoundly raw they can change everything you ever knew about yourself.

Kneeled naked on the edge of the bed, a full wall mirror ahead returns the reflection of a woman naïve and innately exposed. Physical exposure, the naked woman looking back at me by all accounts was familiar. I know her curves, her flaws, her skin. But looking into those eyes looking back at me I see her. Curious, reserved, submissive, ...she is bare. She has not only stripped away her clothing but left laying on the floor with it lies her fear, her distrust, her control.

I am meeting her for the first time. The girl she was before life changed her, before society judged her. The girl before the heartbreaks of love hardened her. She is much more pure than I imagined her to be. I am saddened to only be meeting her now but as I ponder that thought perhaps this is how we were meant to come together. Had I met her through anyone else, in any other way I am not so sure I would see her for the beautiful soul that she is.

I kept my eyes on hers through that glass as he worked his way around the room. He was calm and at peace with his work. Seeing him so involved, completely engaged in his preparations could only make her smile. We were so at peace, so completely unreserved and forgiving to this experience. He broke my view of her as he stood in front of me, holding loosely in his hand loop upon loop of braided utility rope. Was it his fantasy or was it mine? He took his hands upon my face, leaned in to kiss me and in slightly more than a whisper he asked, 'Are you ready?". "Yes, I'm ready".

Looking back, I can so vividly remember the way he moved around me. It was the sexiest I had ever seen him. He was gentle and cautious yet determined and in demand of control which I was all too willing to give to him. Placing the rope around my neck he began the first knot. As he worked that nylon cord I studied him. His face, he was so intent. I could tell it pleased him to prepare my body and his pleasure only excited me more. The first knot was not an aggressive one, a tight one intended to choke me. It was secured just below the base of my throat, like a noose I could easily slip over my head if I so wanted to. The thought never crossed my mind. This first knot set the stage for the others to follow, each knot carefully twisted and tied in a manner he had spent the entire week studying.

This wasn't just about being tied up and having sex. And I suppose for some, that's exactly what it would look like. But no, it was so much more beautiful that that. I began a love affair with that rope. The feel of it against my skin as he would slowly feed it through the bind he was creating. It would send chills of anticipation through me. It was not the soft braided rope intended for this purpose, it was unrefined and raw, bare basic rope which suitably matched the girl in the mirror; bare, unrefined and raw.

He would at times break from his intense concentration to be sure I was okay. With every knot, every twist, every loop he took care of me. He was taking great pride in preparing his canvas. I cannot tell you how long he spent creating this intricate design, a beautiful diamond zipper pattern down my chest and up again through my back, then binding my arms as his final piece of work. Time had no measure. "Do I look pretty?", I asked? "Yes, you look pretty".

Kneeling naked on the edge of the bed, a full wall mirror ahead returns the reflection of a courageous woman. In being bound she broke free from her inner bindings. Encased in a beautiful cocoon spun by a lover who claimed her as his own that night, she was about to emerge a woman who knew no bounds. Strong, confident and free. As for him, he may have only had her that night...but forever they were connected... by the ties that bind.

xo Belle

Part 1:

Life would be such a waste if we were not to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves. Much too short to not go on that trip, eat that good cake, buy those expensive pair of shoes. Feel good moments so often play a second to rationale, maturity and responsibility. I am most guilty of playing it safe. Yeah I know, you're thinking "She's an escort, she's wild and crazy and lives on the edge". But that is not exactly what I mean by playing it safe. I mean to allow yourself the chance to push your boundaries, see just how far you can really go. Now this could apply to so many things in life but tonight, it's going to apply to sex.

I've always had my safe zone. Lines I do not cross for anyone, ever. Why? Because I need rules. I need control. I've always believed that no one will ever take as good care of me as I do. So, do not trust, set realistic boundaries and live safe. And having all the control works for me. If I triumph, I pat my own back and when I fail I have only myself to blame. It's just me out there, so yes, control is my grounding.

When Belle walks into a room, she makes it clear she has the control. She has to. And men respect that, giving it to her most willingly. It is an ego thing as you would expect, having that control and no one that dares to challenge it. It's powerful but it's also my comfort zone. It is the role I have created as Belle, to be confident, mature and always in control. Belle is predictable and in this journey of self-discovery I am learning that I need a little less predictability in my life, a little less "playing it safe".

Sexuality is a beautiful thing to explore. Not just with a man or a woman and switching up positions from time to time. I mean really explore the passion and sensuality behind the sex. I have fulfilled most all my sexual fantasies thanks to Belle. She has been my gateway to learning what I truly like in the bedroom, what turns me on, what drives me crazy and even a few things I didn't enjoy that I thought I would. That's what sexual exploration is all about. I am always learning about my body as it is ever changing. My sexual needs are not the same as they were twenty years ago. Desires change, your mind expands and new ideas emerge. I have become more confident with my body accepting it for all it's flaws. While I still strive to tone it and nurture it, I accept how I look right now. And maybe it is that acceptance that has led me to be a little more adventurous with my sexual curiosities.

What entices me most in the bedroom isn't necessarily the act of sex itself but the foreplay. I enjoy verbal teasing, anticipation and slow erotic caressing. I am most turned on by a man who wants me and makes it clear when we are alone. This night I am going to write about was all about everything above. Control, pushing boundaries, giving the utmost trust to someone else, sexuality, anticipation and total erotica. It is not like any other writing I have ever done, in fact just sharing this experience here is pushing my boundaries. But my blog is all about sexual expression so to hold back would denote a sense of being ashamed when in fact this experience left me feeling anything but.

Post Production

I find this rather amusing sometimes and I hope any clients that may read this do not take offense to it or misunderstand just how I work. I close the door and walk to my car. Somewhere during that drive home Belle gets tucked away. I will spend a few minutes replaying the appointment and then I let it go. The moment has passed and I return to my life. I often change into something comfy, make a tea and then, after a few minutes to myself much like I did in preparation for the appointment, I go about my day.

Often times I cannot tell you what room I was in, what bra and panty set I wore or much else from that hour or two besides being aware that I have a self-confidence in me that I know I gained in that room. I compartmentalize everything in my life, Belle included. It's how I get by. And just like everything else in life, there is a time and a place. It's all about balance. Without the ability to do this I think I would lose myself and that would defeat the purpose for creating Belle. I need her. But she has her place.

When I see a repeat client, I am excited. And for many reasons. First, it pleases me that he had such a good time after our first meeting that he chose to see me again. You see the review boards, the agencies and just how many beautiful young women there are out there to see. And still, he chose me. The first time, it may be by chance but the second time and every time thereafter, he is making that choice based on the way he feels about our time together. That still impresses me every day, even with clients I have had for years. He still chooses me. Some of my clients have lasted longer than my marriage! They have chosen me for longer than my husband did. And while my clients are just about as faithful to me as my husband was, I have had more compliments, more feel good moments and much more respect than I ever got out of that marriage.

Suffice to say, yes, this is a business. I am an escort and you are paying me for sex. There is no need to pussy foot around that, we all know it is what it is. But it is also so much more from my perspective. I want, no I need my clients to understand that about me. I am proud of the service I provide and I gain a great sense of self worth by doing it. I am grateful as are my clients for the time we share together.

During Production

You would think that there isn't much to explain when it comes to an escort's perspective once she arrives at your door. After all, it's not the first time she's had sex, right? Well, most likely not and if it is...she's probably made you pay top dollar for it! Arriving at the door can sometimes be the most nerve wrecking part of the appointment.

Much like real life blind dating, the obvious questions are there. What will he be like? Will he be impressed by me? Pleased by me? Will he respect my boundaries? Is he safe? Is the room a safe environment? While I can tout the fun I have as Belle and  the wonderful people I have met there is undoubtedly a side to escorting that instils risk. We as escorts are placing a great deal of trust into complete strangers, some of whom have absolutely no respect for the escort as a woman but only a means for sexual gratification. This is why my previous post about communication with my clients is so imperative. It makes the knock on the door more easy to bear.

Just as my name is not really Belle (although I do refer her to me as one and the same quite often), my clients rarely offer up their true names making for initial pleasantries a little more complex. Using generic greetings omitting the use of names makes the first meet a little less formal. Yes, this is a business transaction but at no time do I ever want my clients to feel as though that is what this is. By the same token I appreciate when my clients go out of their way to do the same, treating me as their date for the time we are together. Respect, it all comes down to respect.

Upon entering a room, my safety is always my biggest concern. As I am placing my purse upon the night stand, greeting with a kiss, using the restroom, discarding my gum and so forth I am looking for red flags. Is there anyone else in the room? Is there the flashing light of a video camera hidden slightly out of view? I make myself aware of luggage in the room so that at any time if a client makes his way to that area I am sure to watch that no weapons or toys appear that I have no discussed prior with my client. While I have only on two occasions been greeted with such things, that's two too many in my eyes. As long as there is risk I will continue to do all I can to ensure I am safe.

I've been told I have a gift for reading men and perhaps that is true but I believe I just have a natural ability to read people in general. It helps to be intuitive, to pick up on body language and subtle signs that give way to one's mindset in the moment. Some men are very intimidated by a sexually aggressive woman so I turn it down a notch or two for them. I ease into the sex with conversation and caressing allowing them to take lead. For some men this is important for their ego which I am happy to oblige.

Other men have always lusted for a sexually confident woman but have yet to experience her in their lives. Again I am happy to oblige. It gives me great pleasure to give to a man an experience he has yet to play out. While I am not comfortable with erotic fantasies involving BDSM or role play, I am into sensuality, exploration and erotica. To please a man pleases me so when I can enter a room and feel safe I am better able to let go a little and offer the time that he desires.

It is important to be that my client leaves satisfied, that is a given. But how he gets there can be the best part of the experience. It is not my goal to have him reach that moment as quickly as possible so mastering the time constraints is a big part of my responsibility as an escort. I don't want us to be rushed yet I need to be aware of the time lapse. Ensuring the best time possible within that time frame, having it feel natural and unrushed while both being able to fully enjoy our time together can sometimes be challenging. This is where being intuitive to a man's needs become my biggest asset.

Once we have reached that moment I don't just hop up and get dressed. To me, that would be disrespectful...to him and to myself. I enjoy taking the time to talk if even only a few minutes. It makes the transition to leaving much less awkward. I will then make my way to the washroom and bring him a warm cloth. I want him to bask in that moment as I know for some of my clients, it is seldom they are able to share a similar experience in their lives. As he gathers himself I will slip into the shower quickly to freshen up, say a pleasant thank you and a kiss good-bye to end our date.

Having sex is easy. Being an escort, planning and preparing and pulling it all off in a way that to your client is believable, true and with eagerness is also easy. Because I love what I do. I leave that room feeling good about myself which I know for many may be hard to understand. But it is the one place in my life where I feel most free, attractive and accepted. And for that I am very thankful.

Pre-Production Preparation

The life as an escort can be a very interesting yet dynamic one. While it may seem as simple as showing up, having sex and then leaving I can assure you the process is much more complex than that. I cannot speak on behalf of all escorts and perhaps for some it is just that easy but for me it is a process, both mentally and physically to prepare, follow through and even unwind from the appointment.

First and foremost, something to point out that I think may get lost on the clients. I have a life. yes, it's true! I have a full-time job. I have children, I have a house to clean, groceries to be bought and appointments outside of Belle to be met. I have hobbies of my own, I enjoy the gym and a good day of hiking. I like to read a good book, watch a good movie and from time to time socialize with friends. While Belle is a very important part of my life, she is not my entire life. I need balance and I maintain that by the way I do business.

Preparing for an appointment begins with the booking. I check my Belle phone regularly but I do not live by it. I advertise that same-day appointments are seldom possible with me. There has never been a day that I have sat by my phone as Belle, dressed and ready for that call to come in. I am respectful in returning messages as promptly as possible, it's common courtesy to do so but one cannot expect of me to be fully accessible at any given moment. Balance.

I have no problems planning my day around Belle and I have a lifestyle that I am easily able to do this .But to do so, I need notice. Once an appointment is booked, I am committed to my client. It takes a lot for Belle to cancel as my reliable reputation means something to me. I value your time as much as I'd hope you to value mine. If I say I will be there, I will be there.

Communication prior to meeting is important to me. This is not to be confused with sexting. No, that is not something I will not do. But I will answer your questions and be honest if I am unable to meet your expectation. Just as I choose to escort for my own personal reasons I respect that prospective clients have their own reasons for hobbying. There is nothing wrong with being upfront about the service you are looking for and within all respectful boundaries I will be upfront if I feel I can provide for you what you are looking for. It is not to say that I look down upon any particular service an escort may provide or service a client is looking for, it is just safe to say there are some things I am uncomfortable with or that I so choose to keep for my own personal experiences.

I often get requests for particular clothing. I think some clients omit the fact that I must leave my home, my family and then arrive at your door. Stilettos and a mini skirt are not common place to my lifestyle. It is unrealistic for me, in my life to meet such requests. Do you have a preferred colour of undergarment you would like to see? I can work with that. Stockings? Not a problem! But an outfit that screams, "I am for sale", is not a request I can meet. Because while I love Belle, I have a good life that I will always protect first.

Prior to meeting a client I try to be sure that I have some down time. I hate to be rushed and need time to mentally switch to Belle. I like to be excited, I like the anticipation. Neither would be possible if I didn't allow myself the time to be in character, so to speak. I will have my tea and listen to some feel good music as I get ready. I will likely confirm via text if I have not had contact with my client that day. It's just a small window of time but this allows me to give to my client the experience he is expecting by spending time with me, He has chosen me, above all others for this visit. I respect that time together and will be sure to live up to the reasons he has chosen me.

It is important to me to share these small insights. To give a glimpse into what lies on the other side of the industry as I think an escort's perspective can only lead a client into a better understanding of the hobby. Yes, we are escorts but it's important for me as an advocate for what we do to humanize the escort and have men see that we too have lives, we are more than the sex you have ordered and if you can learn to respect us as women first and foremost, the experience you have with an escort will be that much more pleasurable.