50 Shades: I give up (control)

Life as a single mom is tough. Every decision is made by me and the end result of those decisions oftentimes bears heavy weight on my shoulders. Simple decisions like what to make for dinner, more complicted ones like setting consequences for slacking in school, it seems my mind never stops. Being the one in control, the only go-to is exhausting.

But it is not just being mom that is tough. Being a woman, any woman is of no simple task. From what to wear; to our hair to our skin and nails our day is filled with critisism and judgement and we are never more than seconds away from our next decision to be made. We accept this and we suck it up. We are women, it is what we do. But it wears us down. We get tired. I am tired. Like what led me to Belle is likely the same driving force that has led me to the BDSM lifestyle. I need out.

Having spent several nights with my one night fling exporing our deviant kinks I quickly realized that I naturally identify with a submissive's role. I need to give up control. I need to stop thinking, for others, for myself. I need someone to take over. And my partner, he had no hesitation about becoming my dominant. He yearned for the power and respect that would be demanded of his submissive.

Together through much communiction we developed our roles. We talked hard limits and safe words, setting goals for what we would each like to achieve through this relationship. This time, for me, was the most open and honest I had ever been with a man, or myself about my sexuality. I was able to express my desires no matter how dark and twisted without fear of judgement. I was truly free.

And so it was a summer of discovery. He was teaching me to trust, to let go and be his. And I thanked him by keeping him pleased at his every whim. He struggled at first with this new found control. He was excited but he feared where this would lead. Would he know when to stop? Would he take things too far?

Each night we stole a little more from the other, pushed a little further, explored a little deeper. And the bedroom was not enough. This poison running through our veins that once only flowed during the midnight hours now seeped into the light of day. We could not get enough. And I didn't want to.

xo Belle