Thursday, October 12, 2017

Sexual Exploration

Sexuality was introduced to me at a very young age. It was not romantic, loving nor comforting. Perhaps that is where my disconnect began. But with disassociation came curiosity.

Living in a society that begrudges a human the right to sexual exploration it was not until these later years in life that I began to indulge those curiosities. Putting aside all preconceived notions I have allowed myself to be vocal with my partners about my sexual needs and desires. And to my advantage, they have been all too happy to oblige.

I have been blessed having been in love three times in the course of my 43 years. And love is a funny thing because it was a very different love each time. We know different loves exist. A love for a mother, a love for a child, a love for your pet. But even love between lovers can be very unique. My first love was a high school romance minus the school. We met in grade 9, he 2 years my senior. Best looking guy in the school, everyone wanted him...and he wanted me. I was the geeky girl, quiet and reserved. Unnoticed. We dated off and on for four years. He gave me my first orgasm, maybe that's why I fell in love with him. It was a teenage love, plans of marriage and kids; we had our whole lives planned out.

Next was my husband. I was in a very confusing place mentally when we met and I will blame my entire marriage on that very fact. I was pregnant just 6 weeks after meeting. So he was the father of my child, later children. And that's the kind of love I had for him. It wasn't a romantic love but he was a good dad and I loved him for that.

Years after separating I began dating and soon fell in love with someone I had known for years. In many ways I think this is the most "normal" love I have had. We dated, actually went out on dates and loved being around one another. Sex was pretty good. We experimented a little but only in the way of positions. But it was good. I know he loved me and I think that is the very reason I stayed with him for four years. It was the first time I had ever felt loved. But that love soon turned into controlling and obsessive behaviour that I just could not settle for.

In between those loves, I had plenty of sex. Sex without love. It's a concept that is very normal for me as I do not buy into the belief that any one doctrine has the right to dictate who, when and how I have sex. Sex is a beautiful thing that I believe is meant to be shared but I do not believe love has to exist to participate in it.

The most fulfilling love I have experienced is with Him. I didn't add him to the list of my three loves above because what I shared with Him was a love without love. This kind of love existed without emotion, without a contractual possession to one another. I had been scared to ever use that word love with him because I am aware of the connotation that surrounds it and I didn't want to have my use of the word misconstrued. And it was only recently that I myself was able to make sense of it.

We had never planned to marry, we didn't even date. We didn't profess to ever want anything more from one another that what the other was willing to give. So we gave to each other an hour here, an evening there, a morning booty call from time to time. That was all we were willing to give. It sounds so cold but I can assure you it was anything but. Because there were no pressures that naturally come with relationships we were able to open up much more than either of us expected. Hot, steamy, animalistic sex turned into...more hot, steamy, animalistic sex. If we were in a relationship, that would have surely dwindled but with us it just kept getting better.

In the time that we were "not" together, I learned to trust a man, feel safe with a man and be vulnerable with a man. For the first time I felt respected, connected and understood. He cared for me and I knew this not by him telling me things he thought I wanted to hear but by the way he looked at me, touched me and most importantly by the way he made me feel about myself. I not only explored my sexual curiosities with him but I also explored my boundaries and through it all came out the end with a better understanding of who I am as a woman.

I've written about my experiences with Him in previous entries and there will be more to follow. I write about them because I think it is so important to make beautiful again what society is so hell bent on destroying. To not be ashamed of these experiences but to share the raw intimacy and its profound significance in our lives.

Sharing these experiences with you is intimidating as it crosses my personal life with my Belle life. By sharing my exploration I fear as Belle I run the risk of clients having similar expectations in regards to services I offer. It is important for me to be clear that my services have not changed, that these experiences I write about are events I have chosen to pursue in my personal life only as my safety is of the utmost importance always.

xo Belle


























Saturday, October 07, 2017

The ties that bind

There are some experiences in life that shape us forever. They change how we think, how we feel, how we relate to the world around us. And sometimes those experiences are so intimate, so profoundly raw they can change everything you ever knew about yourself.

Kneeled naked on the edge of the bed, a full wall mirror ahead returns the reflection of a woman na├»ve and innately exposed. Physical exposure, the naked woman looking back at me by all accounts was familiar. I know her curves, her flaws, her skin. But looking into those eyes looking back at me I see her. Curious, reserved, submissive, ...she is bare. She has not only stripped away her clothing but left laying on the floor with it lies her fear, her distrust, her control.

I am meeting her for the first time. The girl she was before life changed her, before society judged her. The girl before the heartbreaks of love hardened her. She is much more pure than I imagined her to be. I am saddened to only be meeting her now but as I ponder that thought perhaps this is how we were meant to come together. Had I met her through anyone else, in any other way I am not so sure I would see her for the beautiful soul that she is.

I kept my eyes on hers through that glass as he worked his way around the room. He was calm and at peace with his work. Seeing him so involved, completely engaged in his preparations could only make her smile. We were so at peace, so completely unreserved and forgiving to this experience. He broke my view of her as he stood in front of me, holding loosely in his hand loop upon loop of braided utility rope. Was it his fantasy or was it mine? He took his hands upon my face, leaned in to kiss me and in slightly more than a whisper he asked, 'Are you ready?". "Yes, I'm ready".

Looking back, I can so vividly remember the way he moved around me. It was the sexiest I had ever seen him. He was gentle and cautious yet determined and in demand of control which I was all too willing to give to him. Placing the rope around my neck he began the first knot. As he worked that nylon cord I studied him. His face, he was so intent. I could tell it pleased him to prepare my body and his pleasure only excited me more. The first knot was not an aggressive one, a tight one intended to choke me. It was secured just below the base of my throat, like a noose I could easily slip over my head if I so wanted to. The thought never crossed my mind. This first knot set the stage for the others to follow, each knot carefully twisted and tied in a manner he had spent the entire week studying.

This wasn't just about being tied up and having sex. And I suppose for some, that's exactly what it would look like. But no, it was so much more beautiful that that. I began a love affair with that rope. The feel of it against my skin as he would slowly feed it through the bind he was creating. It would send chills of anticipation through me. It was not the soft braided rope intended for this purpose, it was unrefined and raw, bare basic rope which suitably matched the girl in the mirror; bare, unrefined and raw.

He would at times break from his intense concentration to be sure I was okay. With every knot, every twist, every loop he took care of me. He was taking great pride in preparing his canvas. I cannot tell you how long he spent creating this intricate design, a beautiful diamond zipper pattern down my chest and up again through my back, then binding my arms as his final piece of work. Time had no measure. "Do I look pretty?", I asked? "Yes, you look pretty".

Kneeling naked on the edge of the bed, a full wall mirror ahead returns the reflection of a courageous woman. In being bound she broke free from her inner bindings. Encased in a beautiful cocoon spun by a lover who claimed her as his own that night, she was about to emerge a woman who knew no bounds. Strong, confident and free. As for him, he may have only had her that night...but forever they were connected... by the ties that bind.

xo Belle

Wednesday, October 04, 2017

Part 1:

Life would be such a waste if we were not to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves. Much too short to not go on that trip, eat that good cake, buy those expensive pair of shoes. Feel good moments so often play a second to rationale, maturity and responsibility. I am most guilty of playing it safe. Yeah I know, you're thinking "She's an escort, she's wild and crazy and lives on the edge". But that is not exactly what I mean by playing it safe. I mean to allow yourself the chance to push your boundaries, see just how far you can really go. Now this could apply to so many things in life but tonight, it's going to apply to sex.

I've always had my safe zone. Lines I do not cross for anyone, ever. Why? Because I need rules. I need control. I've always believed that no one will ever take as good care of me as I do. So, do not trust, set realistic boundaries and live safe. And having all the control works for me. If I triumph, I pat my own back and when I fail I have only myself to blame. It's just me out there, so yes, control is my grounding.

When Belle walks into a room, she makes it clear she has the control. She has to. And men respect that, giving it to her most willingly. It is an ego thing as you would expect, having that control and no one that dares to challenge it. It's powerful but it's also my comfort zone. It is the role I have created as Belle, to be confident, mature and always in control. Belle is predictable and in this journey of self-discovery I am learning that I need a little less predictability in my life, a little less "playing it safe".

Sexuality is a beautiful thing to explore. Not just with a man or a woman and switching up positions from time to time. I mean really explore the passion and sensuality behind the sex. I have fulfilled most all my sexual fantasies thanks to Belle. She has been my gateway to learning what I truly like in the bedroom, what turns me on, what drives me crazy and even a few things I didn't enjoy that I thought I would. That's what sexual exploration is all about. I am always learning about my body as it is ever changing. My sexual needs are not the same as they were twenty years ago. Desires change, your mind expands and new ideas emerge. I have become more confident with my body accepting it for all it's flaws. While I still strive to tone it and nurture it, I accept how I look right now. And maybe it is that acceptance that has led me to be a little more adventurous with my sexual curiosities.

What entices me most in the bedroom isn't necessarily the act of sex itself but the foreplay. I enjoy verbal teasing, anticipation and slow erotic caressing. I am most turned on by a man who wants me and makes it clear when we are alone. This night I am going to write about was all about everything above. Control, pushing boundaries, giving the utmost trust to someone else, sexuality, anticipation and total erotica. It is not like any other writing I have ever done, in fact just sharing this experience here is pushing my boundaries. But my blog is all about sexual expression so to hold back would denote a sense of being ashamed when in fact this experience left me feeling anything but.

Post Production

I find this rather amusing sometimes and I hope any clients that may read this do not take offense to it or misunderstand just how I work. I close the door and walk to my car. Somewhere during that drive home Belle gets tucked away. I will spend a few minutes replaying the appointment and then I let it go. The moment has passed and I return to my life. I often change into something comfy, make a tea and then, after a few minutes to myself much like I did in preparation for the appointment, I go about my day.

Often times I cannot tell you what room I was in, what bra and panty set I wore or much else from that hour or two besides being aware that I have a self-confidence in me that I know I gained in that room. I compartmentalize everything in my life, Belle included. It's how I get by. And just like everything else in life, there is a time and a place. It's all about balance. Without the ability to do this I think I would lose myself and that would defeat the purpose for creating Belle. I need her. But she has her place.

When I see a repeat client, I am excited. And for many reasons. First, it pleases me that he had such a good time after our first meeting that he chose to see me again. You see the review boards, the agencies and just how many beautiful young women there are out there to see. And still, he chose me. The first time, it may be by chance but the second time and every time thereafter, he is making that choice based on the way he feels about our time together. That still impresses me every day, even with clients I have had for years. He still chooses me. Some of my clients have lasted longer than my marriage! They have chosen me for longer than my husband did. And while my clients are just about as faithful to me as my husband was, I have had more compliments, more feel good moments and much more respect than I ever got out of that marriage.

Suffice to say, yes, this is a business. I am an escort and you are paying me for sex. There is no need to pussy foot around that, we all know it is what it is. But it is also so much more from my perspective. I want, no I need my clients to understand that about me. I am proud of the service I provide and I gain a great sense of self worth by doing it. I am grateful as are my clients for the time we share together.

During Production

You would think that there isn't much to explain when it comes to an escort's perspective once she arrives at your door. After all, it's not the first time she's had sex, right? Well, most likely not and if it is...she's probably made you pay top dollar for it! Arriving at the door can sometimes be the most nerve wrecking part of the appointment.

Much like real life blind dating, the obvious questions are there. What will he be like? Will he be impressed by me? Pleased by me? Will he respect my boundaries? Is he safe? Is the room a safe environment? While I can tout the fun I have as Belle and  the wonderful people I have met there is undoubtedly a side to escorting that instils risk. We as escorts are placing a great deal of trust into complete strangers, some of whom have absolutely no respect for the escort as a woman but only a means for sexual gratification. This is why my previous post about communication with my clients is so imperative. It makes the knock on the door more easy to bear.

Just as my name is not really Belle (although I do refer her to me as one and the same quite often), my clients rarely offer up their true names making for initial pleasantries a little more complex. Using generic greetings omitting the use of names makes the first meet a little less formal. Yes, this is a business transaction but at no time do I ever want my clients to feel as though that is what this is. By the same token I appreciate when my clients go out of their way to do the same, treating me as their date for the time we are together. Respect, it all comes down to respect.

Upon entering a room, my safety is always my biggest concern. As I am placing my purse upon the night stand, greeting with a kiss, using the restroom, discarding my gum and so forth I am looking for red flags. Is there anyone else in the room? Is there the flashing light of a video camera hidden slightly out of view? I make myself aware of luggage in the room so that at any time if a client makes his way to that area I am sure to watch that no weapons or toys appear that I have no discussed prior with my client. While I have only on two occasions been greeted with such things, that's two too many in my eyes. As long as there is risk I will continue to do all I can to ensure I am safe.

I've been told I have a gift for reading men and perhaps that is true but I believe I just have a natural ability to read people in general. It helps to be intuitive, to pick up on body language and subtle signs that give way to one's mindset in the moment. Some men are very intimidated by a sexually aggressive woman so I turn it down a notch or two for them. I ease into the sex with conversation and caressing allowing them to take lead. For some men this is important for their ego which I am happy to oblige.

Other men have always lusted for a sexually confident woman but have yet to experience her in their lives. Again I am happy to oblige. It gives me great pleasure to give to a man an experience he has yet to play out. While I am not comfortable with erotic fantasies involving BDSM or role play, I am into sensuality, exploration and erotica. To please a man pleases me so when I can enter a room and feel safe I am better able to let go a little and offer the time that he desires.

It is important to be that my client leaves satisfied, that is a given. But how he gets there can be the best part of the experience. It is not my goal to have him reach that moment as quickly as possible so mastering the time constraints is a big part of my responsibility as an escort. I don't want us to be rushed yet I need to be aware of the time lapse. Ensuring the best time possible within that time frame, having it feel natural and unrushed while both being able to fully enjoy our time together can sometimes be challenging. This is where being intuitive to a man's needs become my biggest asset.

Once we have reached that moment I don't just hop up and get dressed. To me, that would be disrespectful...to him and to myself. I enjoy taking the time to talk if even only a few minutes. It makes the transition to leaving much less awkward. I will then make my way to the washroom and bring him a warm cloth. I want him to bask in that moment as I know for some of my clients, it is seldom they are able to share a similar experience in their lives. As he gathers himself I will slip into the shower quickly to freshen up, say a pleasant thank you and a kiss good-bye to end our date.

Having sex is easy. Being an escort, planning and preparing and pulling it all off in a way that to your client is believable, true and with eagerness is also easy. Because I love what I do. I leave that room feeling good about myself which I know for many may be hard to understand. But it is the one place in my life where I feel most free, attractive and accepted. And for that I am very thankful.

Tuesday, October 03, 2017

Pre-Production Preparation

The life as an escort can be a very interesting yet dynamic one. While it may seem as simple as showing up, having sex and then leaving I can assure you the process is much more complex than that. I cannot speak on behalf of all escorts and perhaps for some it is just that easy but for me it is a process, both mentally and physically to prepare, follow through and even unwind from the appointment.

First and foremost, something to point out that I think may get lost on the clients. I have a life. yes, it's true! I have a full-time job. I have children, I have a house to clean, groceries to be bought and appointments outside of Belle to be met. I have hobbies of my own, I enjoy the gym and a good day of hiking. I like to read a good book, watch a good movie and from time to time socialize with friends. While Belle is a very important part of my life, she is not my entire life. I need balance and I maintain that by the way I do business.

Preparing for an appointment begins with the booking. I check my Belle phone regularly but I do not live by it. I advertise that same-day appointments are seldom possible with me. There has never been a day that I have sat by my phone as Belle, dressed and ready for that call to come in. I am respectful in returning messages as promptly as possible, it's common courtesy to do so but one cannot expect of me to be fully accessible at any given moment. Balance.

I have no problems planning my day around Belle and I have a lifestyle that I am easily able to do this .But to do so, I need notice. Once an appointment is booked, I am committed to my client. It takes a lot for Belle to cancel as my reliable reputation means something to me. I value your time as much as I'd hope you to value mine. If I say I will be there, I will be there.

Communication prior to meeting is important to me. This is not to be confused with sexting. No, that is not something I will not do. But I will answer your questions and be honest if I am unable to meet your expectation. Just as I choose to escort for my own personal reasons I respect that prospective clients have their own reasons for hobbying. There is nothing wrong with being upfront about the service you are looking for and within all respectful boundaries I will be upfront if I feel I can provide for you what you are looking for. It is not to say that I look down upon any particular service an escort may provide or service a client is looking for, it is just safe to say there are some things I am uncomfortable with or that I so choose to keep for my own personal experiences.

I often get requests for particular clothing. I think some clients omit the fact that I must leave my home, my family and then arrive at your door. Stilettos and a mini skirt are not common place to my lifestyle. It is unrealistic for me, in my life to meet such requests. Do you have a preferred colour of undergarment you would like to see? I can work with that. Stockings? Not a problem! But an outfit that screams, "I am for sale", is not a request I can meet. Because while I love Belle, I have a good life that I will always protect first.

Prior to meeting a client I try to be sure that I have some down time. I hate to be rushed and need time to mentally switch to Belle. I like to be excited, I like the anticipation. Neither would be possible if I didn't allow myself the time to be in character, so to speak. I will have my tea and listen to some feel good music as I get ready. I will likely confirm via text if I have not had contact with my client that day. It's just a small window of time but this allows me to give to my client the experience he is expecting by spending time with me, He has chosen me, above all others for this visit. I respect that time together and will be sure to live up to the reasons he has chosen me.

It is important to me to share these small insights. To give a glimpse into what lies on the other side of the industry as I think an escort's perspective can only lead a client into a better understanding of the hobby. Yes, we are escorts but it's important for me as an advocate for what we do to humanize the escort and have men see that we too have lives, we are more than the sex you have ordered and if you can learn to respect us as women first and foremost, the experience you have with an escort will be that much more pleasurable.

Friday, September 29, 2017

I wasn't going to go there...End Note

I did manage some sleep that night. I think I had drained myself so mentally and physically that there was nothing left to do but sleep. I couldn't think any more, I couldn't move any more. My last waking thoughts that night were of how awkward the morning would be. Would he feel ashamed? Would he feel regret?

 No...he felt horny. Maybe the rest was yet to come but the morning started where the night left off. Great raw sex.

It was an early morning, places to go and things to do. Reality was waiting for us just outside that hotel room door. It reminded me of a movie I once saw. A young couple spent the night on a bench I believe. They talked all night long and were totally caught up in each other. I don't remember the details but in the end, they had to step off the bench and life was to return as it was before their night began. I watched that movie and was left wishing for a night to be so engaging, the moments shared to be so memorable, so intense that I feared taking that step down and walking away. This was that moment, this was my bench.

I wore the look of  a great night of sex well, traipsing about the room gathering pieces of clothing that had been strewn about. I don't even remember any of it coming off save for the Canadian's jersey he not-so-jokingly insisted had to come off before he could be with me. My hair was a mess, I wore the smell of sex like the most expensive bottle of perfume. I had no shame in front of him. Feeling so free, so uninhibited around him put a smile on my face as I hedged for the shower. Moments later he joined me.

Another rule to be broken, I shall not shower with no one! Not my husband, not my loves of my life and here, now, with him I stood in the shower. As the water beat upon us I just looked at him and smiled. Hello again, me. Where have you been?

I wasn't going to go there...Part 4

The high of sex. There is no stronger more addictive drug than sex. After that night, I was hooked. Like a hard hit of a crack pipe, a snort of that sweet line of snow, the rush of liquid meth running through my veins, I was hooked. And so here in lies the problem. We committed to just this one night. That's all I wanted from him. That's all he wanted from me. Neither of us are in any place for anything more than just one night. I don't do feelings, I don't do emotions. I don't do relationships. And him. A failed marriage, his chance for a new beginning, a new life, It was his time to discover who he is as a man. I was there once. I know exactly where he is at in life and what he needs. I gave him a "Welcome Back", an intro into life as a single man, something I would never want to take from him. He will always remember that night just as I did my first time after divorce. It is a defining moment, to feel alive and free again. This night was about giving, not taking away.

I lay next to him in bed, both of us completely exhausted. It had been hour after hour of impulsive, animalistic sex. The high began to drain as I listened to him fall asleep beside me. I was coming down. The euphoria being replaced by something all too familiar for me in the dark of the night. My mind was racing, my thoughts bouncing between the synapses in my brain, firing like a war zone only it's a war that's never to be won. Because like any war ever to be fought, it makes no damn sense.

You would think, if I were like any other woman out there, the war would be about love and romance and who is going to be the first to call who. You would think I was laying there hoping he felt the same things I did and that maybe he was really impressed with my hair or found me funny enough to want to see me again. You would think I would be all cuddled up basking in the thought that maybe this is the one. But I am not like any other woman.

I found myself laying on the far side of the bed staring at the wall. I had to make sense of all of this somehow before morning. I tried to rationalize what I was feeling. The connection, was it chemistry? Just pure and natural hormones that were a perfect match in bed? Maybe that's it. But can chemistry make you feel safe with someone you for the first time are getting to know in an intimate way? Because that is not me, I don't ever trust anyone in that way. And the need for more. Not a want but a need. As I thought this I rolled over to look at him. Naked, his sweat now cooled, covered slightly by the hotel's classic white duvet. After acknowledging just how creepy this was, I found myself just wanting to touch him, but he was back to being untouchable. I had allowed my thoughts to interfere briefly with what had transpired that night. I can touch him when he's touching me but I cannot reach out. He wouldn't understand. Hell, I don't even understand.

I didn't want him to roll over to me and say he loved me or shoot me some cheesy line that he thinks I would expect him to say. I'm not a princess, I'm not in need of patronizing flattery. I just wanted to look at him and for the first time in so many years feel like someone was there, I was not alone. Only I grappled with the fact that I wasn't content with just someone being there, but that it was him that was there. So I don't want to date him, I don't want to hold him back, I don't want to talk feelings and emotions and live happily ever after with him but I want him there. And not just tonight. But not every night either. And I don't want obligatory next-day call backs, but I want more of everything else from him. I want him but on my terms. Yeah, fucked up...I know.



Thursday, September 28, 2017

I wasn't going to go there...Part 3

Now, a few days later and trying to sum up what just may be the best night of my life I am so overwhelmed by the emotions I have. Not emotions of love, not the traditional after-sex glow from a great orgasm or two. No, this is coming from somewhere much deeper than that. This is definitely not Belle and I'm not so sure it's even me because I have never felt this connected to someone...ever. God, that sounds so wrong to say. Let me explain.

When my husband and I decided we were done, I was devastated. Not because I lost the love of my life. No, there was no love there. But because I was alone. I was now on my own, completely alone in this world. I had kids depending on me, a job depending on me. And for years, it was me being lost in my head, trapped with my thoughts. I was secluded, removed from all people. It was a dark path to travel. I have always felt misunderstood, a little more complex than most. What should make sense doesn't make sense for me. What should be right feels wrong, what's wrong feels so right. The black sheep. The one that doesn't follow the rules or fit the mold others create. I was alone. And when you feel that way you disconnect from the world around you. I am pretty sure it is in that place I created Belle.

Belle could connect with others. She could be wild and crazy, sweet and unassuming. She could be anything I wanted her to be, anything I had ever desired to be as a woman but never felt I had a safe outlet to just be. And people enjoyed her company. They liked to be around Belle.

So that night, although it may have been Belle that showed up, she didn't stay long. Layer by layer he peeled back, revealing me, stripping me down to my soul. There was nothing else that existed outside of his body against mine. Here was the most handsome man, strong and fit, a body that mine melted into, the sex so hot I am not sure where he ended and I began. If he knew just how raw this experience was for me he would have run, I could never expect anyone to understand what was going on in my head.

I stood in front of him, sometimes on the floor, other times kneeling above his body just trying to catch my breath and I wasn't ashamed. I was taking on Belle's confidence. Never had I done that with someone outside of her. And he seemed to accept me for who I was putting out in front of him. Being accepted for me has always been a part of Belle's world. She is easily accepted as her desires, her passion and her sense of adventure is shared by like-minded people. It is something I have yearned for ever since I can remember...to be fully accepted just as I am without someone feeling the need to change me, any part of me. I am in front of a man who is turned on by me, not just my body but he knows me, even if in some small way and he wants to share this night with me. So hot.

It was a night of slight intoxication, the hum of a shared taste in music in the background that every so often we would come out of our heads to take notice of and sweet, sultry passionate sex. He was so intuitive to my body, what pleased me, what put me over the edge. I didn't guide him, I didn't ask him, he just gave it to me. There were moments so intense I would forget to breathe. Get your head around that, moments that had me so caught up that I forgot to take in the one essential need for life...I would have to remind myself to breathe. I would roll out from under him gasping, my head fuzzy and near blacking out. And not just once.

After several hours of nonstop sex, he leaned over me and asked if we were to be leaving the room that night to go our separate ways. I have always said yes. I don't do overnights. If you know anything about me.. I'm out before the sun comes up. It's a rule. It keeps me safe. I should have told him yes, we must go but I couldn't find it in myself to say so. So I told him the choice was his. I acted as nonchalant as possible, not wanting to cite my desire either way and he instantly said we were there for the night. Without a second thought, we were there for the night. And we started the next round...

I wasnt going to go there...Part 2

The kiss is everything. In a relationship the kiss is the biggest form of communication. It can say, "Good morning", "Good night", "I love you", "It will be okay", "I'm here", "I'm sorry", "I want you".. Without the kiss it's just words and you know what little faith I have in words.

He first kissed me in a parking lot of the hotel I chose to meet at. The hotel that we would become naked and unreserved in, using it to explore our sexual desires. If it were possible to orgasm from just one kiss, I would have right there. You can't explain chemistry like that on paper. If I did have any fears or concerns going in, they left me with that first kiss. Never have I anticipated sex with such a hunger, such intense need as I did last night. And his kiss...if he could do that to me with just his kiss..

There is something to be said for anticipation and this very moment, standing before the man I have lusted over for so many years, who has been the object of my borderline obsession, the anticipation was unbearable. I was about to make him mine. Not mine for life, not mine for a year or for month but mine for just this night. Just one night.

For forbidden desires to be fulfilled I felt a need to open up the dialogue. We couldn't go into this like blind fools. That's how I know it wasn't just Belle there last night. I had to be responsible, we both did and be upfront with what was about to happen. Without this conversation we would leave the possibility of regret and if we were going to explore ourselves sexually, I was leaving no room for that. Perhaps it was in that moment that I fell. Our talk was candid, open and honest. To some, the dialogue would have killed the mood but it just made me want him even more. I saw something so sincere in him, I could sense his desire, his fear, his need for what was about to happen.

He reached out for my body and his touch, the heat from his hand somehow sent chills through me. Think about that for a second. His heat sent chills through me. He had me frozen in that moment, that moment that I wanted to last forever. I didn't want to forget how I felt right then, naked and vulnerable in front of him. It was all so wrong but it felt so damn right. He had the power to make me feel so powerless, wanting more of him, all of him. That is anticipation.



I wasn't going to go there... Part 1

It has been a long time since I have felt inspired to write. Life has taken it's turns and somehow I had lost myself in it all. I have been wandering, looking for my place, feeling torn between a life that by all accounts is the one society says I should live; and Belle. And in one night, one hot passionate night, I found my answer.

What I have been doing wrong all along is separating the two, me from her. We are but one yet I have never allowed myself to accept we are the same. So it is to him that I owe my thanks. He saved a woman that has always insisted she didn't need saving.

Looking back on the writing I have done in the past four months I have had time to evaluate and make sense of this love affair. I needed time to compose my perspective to be able to share it freely. When I initially posted this writing, it was without a foreword and so I took it down to have time to explain to him and prepare him and be sure he understood where my writing comes from, And to do that, I had to explain Belle. He had already met her but he had no idea about her. Talks have been had, understandings have been met and now I want to share with all of you reading, what happens when I go there....

It has been a secret lust for years. Everyone has one. That one person you can never have, that is untouchable, forbidden. He is mine. For all the years I have known him, we have been respectfully platonic. There has never been an exchange of glances or sly grins, no sexual innuendos, no teasing or foreplay. We are co-workers. He was a married man, I was a married woman. We are both well respected professionals. But not this night, no, this night we were none of the above.

Both of us now unattached and still I saw him as untouchable and he is most certainly still forbidden. Bound by the constraints of a working relationship, it wasn't until a perhaps not-so-innocent comment he made about not having sex in over a year that I decided to take a huge risk and proposition him. We left work just an hour after that comment was made and my head was reeling. I let that moment go too long, allow time to pass and I may never get another window. And so as soon as I walked in my door, a quick message through social media to him was sent.

"I wasn't going to go there, but you did so...my number is ###-###-####, just say when and where."

And then I held my breath. it is not too often I act without thinking things through. I justified it by telling myself that lusting for him for 20 years was more than enough time to think this through. But I knew this was a great risk. I value my relationships with my co-workers. Their respect means a lot to me. I had so much to lose.

An instant reply and he was in. Just. Like. That. Things don't happen like that in my personal life. As Belle, maybe. But not as me. And just like that night at work, I wasn't going to let any time pass so I set it up for last night. Somewhere in all of this, somehow, Belle took over. Maybe it was just too much for me to handle. I don't behave like this, this is Belle's territory. So I handed her the steering wheel and we went for a little ride.

I booked a room and sent him on a little treasure hunt to find the key. He had no idea what he was looking for until my directions led him to it. Attached to the key was the hotel card and room number. I have never booked a room for random sex. Hell, Belle has never booked a room for random sex! He sent me a text with the assurance he would be waiting there for me and that he was looking forward to it. I had to work last night but knew I would be leaving early. I tried so hard to focus on my job at hand but my palms were sweaty and my heart was pounding. This was becoming a messy combination of Belle and myself and the thought of the two combining terrified the hell out of me. It wasn't all Belle, she doesn't get nervous and sweaty. And this isn't me, I would never approach a man in such an aggressive way. But together the two of us were in such intense anticipation for what the night would bring.

Finally, just 2 hours into my shift (that seemed like a lifetime that night), I was sent home. Home? Oh hell no, there won't be any going home for me tonight....

Friday, September 22, 2017

Belle's blog is undergoing some routine maintenance over the next few weeks. Some pages and comments will be inactive during this time.

Belle

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Is This What I Expected?


Is this industry what I expected? When I began my blog back in 2007 it was to answer the many questions hobbyists had about the industry from an SP’s perspective. Having been in the industry off and on for 6 or 7 years now, I have answered any and all questions as openly and honestly as I can. I believe that keeping the line of communication open between the SP’s and the hobbyists can only create a more fulfilling experience for everyone.  Recently I was asked if this industry has been what I expected it to be. It has taken me some time to look back to when I first considered escorting and remember the place I was in back then and compare it to where I am now and see if my perspective has changed through the experiences I have had.

 To answer that question with a simple yes or no would not adequately convey my thoughts on the matter so I felt it a great blog post to explain in detail my response. I realize too that as I experience more as Belle, my perspective has changed some too so answering this question today and answering it five years ago would likely produce different explanations but I do believe that in the end, the answers would be relatively the same.

 When I first posted on GTERB I was simply a single woman with a yearning for some zest in my simple subdued life. While I loved the domesticated lifestyle, I often fantasized about stepping outside of that role but never felt safe doing so. I’ve explained in more detail in earlier posts about taking those first few steps. So I will touch on that aspect first.

 Belle has, without a doubt, allowed me to be this fun, carefree woman living an otherwise conservative lifestyle. I have learned to be comfortable in my not-so-perfect body. I have learned to love my small breasts and other imperfections that I have always been almost ashamed of. What I did not expect was to gain this new found self confidence through Belle. In a world that I envisioned being all about physical attraction I feared rejection because I felt I did not fit the norm for the industry.  But I went for it anyways. I have learned that men do appreciate a confident woman as much as they appreciate a physically flawless one. Men do appreciate a woman that can have a stimulating conversation and find that just as sexy as a woman wearing stilettos. Basically, I have learned that men are not as shallow as I had expected them to be and I have learned that sexy has many different meanings. So no, this industry is not what I expected.

 Safety was never a concern for me. I did my research before Belle. I asked the questions I needed to ask of the agency before I signed on. There are safety calls made in and out of the meetings, drivers who come knocking if you do not make contact, girls who make one another aware of bad clients, rules about drug use and intoxication and the right to refusal if a client is threatening/unclean or simply makes a lady uncomfortable. I learned that we as SP’s have the right to say no and that at any time we can walk away. We have control over our bodies and our time and what we choose to do with both. So yes, this industry is what I had expected.

 I knew going into this that there may be a day and time when my two worlds would collide. While I knew I would do all that I could to protect my personal life from being invaded by society’s perception of what I do as Belle, it may all come to a head one day, and it has. I have had to defend Belle to coworkers and personal friends but I am not ashamed. I have not tried to justify but only to ask they respect my decision to do as I do. I don’t need their approval. I don’t expect them to understand. I just ask that they accept that this is my choice. So yes, this industry is what I expected.

 I am a strong person and consider myself to be well in control of my emotions. I made a pact with myself in the beginning that I would keep emotion out of Belle’s world and for several years I did. I do not let my guard down easy but over time I found myself building foundations for true friendships. I found myself opening up and allowing others in and sharing my personal life with a few that I have met as Belle. And then my writing soon followed, recognizing that it is okay to show emotion. Emotion keeps me human, keeps my spirit flowing. While I still tend to be guarded at times, I have found myself to laugh, to cry, to show fear, to be intimidated and to be humbled. I have entrusted those emotions to people I have met in Belle’s world and have felt safe doing so. So no, this industry is not what I expected.

 While I started my blog out of a passion for expressing myself through the written word, I have discovered my dream to be a professional writer. It has been the support, the compliments and connections I have made through my blog that inspired me to pursue this dream. I applied for and accepted an editorial writing job with the local newspaper last year and wrote several columns for them. Sadly it was only a one year position but the response I received from those articles as well as the response from my blog has left me with a determination to publish the book I have written and see where my writing will take me. I always imagined Belle as an escape from the real world, never as the driving force behind going after my dream in the real world so no, this industry is not what I expected.

 I could go on and on about ways in which this business has changed me, my life, my perspective. There is no answer to this question though as it is like many things in life. We choose a path and we know not where it leads. The expectation is that in the end, when all is said and done and we have reached the final steps we are happy. That’s all we are looking for in life. No matter what decision we have in front of us, no matter the factors that present themselves while making that decision, the ultimate goal is to have it lead us to happiness. And I am happy. So yes, this industry is what I expected.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Lesson from a Street Girl


Have you ever found yourself in the oddest of relationships with someone? Maybe you were the cool kid in school and befriended the nerd or you are the suit and tie banker and your buddy is still wearing his mullet and leather tasselled jacket from the 80’s. Or you being the street smart wise ass married the book smart research assistant. I’ve spent many enjoyable hours just walking around town people watching and have seen many odd couples and wondered just how they came to be. The lady, all of 90 lb soaking wet being held up by the 300lb man; the 7ft man awkwardly bent down to make out with his 5ft nothing sweetheart. There has to be a connection, something they share that the rest of us don’t see that brings these odd relationships together. But as odd as they seem, these types of relationships are common. It is not unusual to see opposites attract one another.

 I walk home from my “outside of Belle” job most every night. My path takes me along the same strip that the ladies of the night walk. I see the same few girls most every night. It was my custom to cross the street opposite to where they stood. I never really put any thought into why I did this, it was just an automatic reaction to do so.

One night, after many weeks of this routine one girl hollered across to me asking for a smoke. She began to cross the street approaching where I stood as I fumbled through my purse for my pack. I was nervous. I couldn’t explain why, but I was. I gave her a smoke, she thanked me and I continued my walk home all the while questioning why I felt so intimidated. I am, after all, one of them. There are names/titles/terms given to different forms of the business but call it what you will, we all share the same occupation. And yet I fear “them”. It bothered me every time after that night that I would continue to cross the street so I finally stopped doing it.

I can’t state enough how strongly I stand by what I do as Belle, no matter what society says about me and what I do. I am not ashamed.  And here I am giving in to something I have spent years fighting against. I am fearing something I am a part of. And why? Because society has told me to? I am one of them as they are one of me. And so every night I pass this same girl I stop. I give her a smoke and we chat. We get hollered at, she turns and smiles and waits to see if they stop. Sometimes they are crude and I wonder how she puts up with that. If it were me, I would walk out of the room. This street is her room, where else is she to go?

Some days as I approach her she smiles, she seems okay. Those days I am happy for her. Other days she staggers and once we are face to face I see emptiness in her eyes and I hurt for her. I shouldn’t because I know how I feel when people say they hurt for me. I can’t speak for her, I can’t say she wants my pity but I feel for her just the same. While I may feel happiness or pity, I don’t feel the fear of her anymore and I am glad for that. I see the strength she has to endure the street life, it’s not for the weak and helps me appreciate even more the atmosphere in which I am able to do as I do.

And so it is now that we have this odd relationship. For those that know me not as Belle, they may pass us on the street corner and wonder just how our two worlds collide. How we can be so clearly opposite yet befriend one another. But the truth is, what’s on the outside... what we let others see has nothing to do with who we are. What’s inside, the her and the I, aren’t as opposite as we seem.  I am one of them as they are one of me.
 
When I people watch now, I don't focus so much on how odd relationships come to be but try to see just how much they are the same. Quite often I notice how they seem to take interest in the same types of novels in the bookstore, how they exit the theatre sharing the same excitement for the thriller they just saw or just they way they touch eachother while they talk..things that clearly make them more alike than one without insight would see.
 
Life is about learning. Not just from books or Google or Discover magazine but from people you don't even know; people that you pass by every day. The bus stop, the coffee shop and yes, even from the girls that walk the street at night.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Super Power not so Super


Coming back to the business after a nearly three year hiatus has been slightly overwhelming. Some may say it’s like riding a bike, hop on and ride away and from the outside looking in it may just seem that simple but for me, not so much. Sure, the inner workings have not changed. But coming back I have had to face what I left behind and that for me is not easy.

What has allowed me to create such a fun, successful persona as Belle is my ability to detach myself. I make it sound like that is some sort of super power I posess, but in reality it has bitten me in the ass more times that I can count. I can walk away. I walk away when I’m hurt. I walk away when I fear rejection and I walk away when I am afraid of something. Now most people when they walk away they take some time to cool down, rationalize the situation then turn around and face it with a clearer understanding. Me...I just keep on walking. Yes, my super power allows me to emotionally remove myself from all that I walk away from.

I left Belle to start a new life, a life I had often wondered if I was capable of living. I did not look back, not once. When I met him, I shut my Belle life down. From that day I never checked my email, visited my website, browsed the boards or had any contact in any way whatsoever with Belle’s world. I simply walked away from it all. I felt it only fair to give this man all of me.

Coming back I have had to face conversations left unfinished, feeling that were hurt, questions people had regarding their own doing in my decision to walk away; friendships that I turned my back on and the aftermath of doing so. And more so this past few weeks than ever I have realized that while I have tooted my own horn for being so good at keeping emotion out of all of this, the reality is that I am human, Belle is a part of me and I hurt for walking away without explanation to those close to me that deserved that much. I don’t regret my time away but I do regret the way in which I left.

It is with mutual understanding for those that participate in this hobby that there is no room for love, jealousy or commitment. That is the beauty of what we all do here. But there is room for caring for those we build friendships with. I only wish I had allowed myself that knowledge three years ago.

Perhaps it was my need for separation to survive in this world but whatever the reason I now realize that I left behind a wonderful circle of friendship and support, people who were truly caring of not Belle, but me.; a humbling yet defining realization in my journey.

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

The Belle Trilogy


I’ve become one of them and I give you permission to laugh as you roll your eyes, not that you need my permission to do so. Yes, I have become the escort that will retire numerous times in her escorting career, each time insisting it is her last. I used to laugh myself as I saw these girls come and go, although unlike the others my stats have remained true and my age has aged with me. I have never tried to deceive anyone into thinking I am something I am not so at best I can say for myself that I have remained true to me. While Belle may have come and gone over the years; my values, my service and my belief in what I do have never wavered. That being said, welcome my friends to the “Belle Trilogy”.

A synopsis of my life the past three years:

Girl meets boy. Girl and boy have sex. And again. And again. Boy seems different than other boys and girl is interested. Boy and girl date. Girl moves boy et al in with her.  Boy and girl fall in love and plan for future. Boy and girl start a small business. Girl loves boy and gives up all in her life for boy. Boy wants more. Girl has nothing left to give boy. Girl misses her friends/long walks by herself/writing but she loves boy so. Boy mistakes love for control. Girl wants boy’s love and trust, boy wants more control. Girl and Boy break up. Girl cries. And cries some more. And cries some more. Girl gets up, wipes her tears and puts life back together. Boy stops calling. Girl misses best friend. Girl misses sex.  Girl calls up Belle. Belle is more than happy to give girl what she has been missing. And now girl is happy.

And there you have it. In my life I have learned to never regret the choices I have made. Oh, I have made many bad ones but I have learned from them and they have helped to define who I am today. I do not regret falling in love. While the broken heart had been almost unbearable, I needed to know that I can still feel, that I can still allow myself to love.  But I also learned that as much as I wanted it to be, I did all that I could to be sure it wasn’t. I sabotaged the relationship every chance I got. No matter how good, I could find the bad. Looking back I can see that it is just not my time, I am not ready.

 As for Belle, I have such big plans for her. There are a few ideas I have and I can’t wait to post about them. I won’t give away too much but I will say that I hope a little contest I held a few years back will jog a memory in some of you. More of that to come...

And lastly, before I lay my head down for the night I want to thank all of you who continued to write, continued to ask about and who continued to remember me after all of these years. There is nothing more rewarding in my experiences as Belle than to know I have touched some of your hearts as you have mine. I have missed all of you just the same.

 

Xo Belle

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Merry Christmas!

Well another Christmas has come and gone. My kids were spoiled as per the usual. And I missed celebrating Christmas with my Nana, as per the usual. It is tough to get through the holidays when you miss having someone special in your life. So I cried, and I laughed and I cried some more but I got through it as I always do.

My daughter was in an accident a few weeks ago. She was hurt but it could have been much more serious. The accident, the phone call I recieved from the officer telling me to go to the emergency room, the sight of her laying there bloody and broken made me see Christmas in a much different light this year. I was reminded just how blessed I am to have my children. Nothing else really matters. I will ache for those I love who are no longer in my life but I will focus on the ones who still are. They are my future, they will keep me going through hard times.

I hope this Christmas all of you reading found some peace, took some time out from the commercialism of Christmas to reflect on how blessed you are for all of the things you do have insteading of yearning for what you do not. Merry Christmas.

xo Belle

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Feminists, give it up already!

With the courts battling the specifics of prostitution; what should be legal, what should not be, I find the most interesting news coverage coming from the feminists and their cohorts who insist that legalizing any form of prostitution is degrading to women. Have you ever taken a close look at these women? I have to wonder how long it has been since any of them have been laid.

Now before you jump down my throat for saying that, take a look at my stats on my website. I am not Barbie nor do I pretend to be. I just wonder what gives these women the right to stand up in court and speak on my behalf about something they clearly know nothing about. I am tired of society telling me what I do is immoral and degrading.

I am not naieve enough to believe this will ever change. Prostitution will always exist, feminists will always exist. I just find it so frustrating to listen to them and imagine all the women of the world nodding their heads in agreement as most of their husbands snicker behind them thinking "if you only knew". No, it's not for everyone and yes, there is a very seedy side to prostitution, I won't argue that fact. Does that make it okay to not give sex-trade workers a safe place to practice? It's been hundreds of years people, women exchanging sex-for-money will never go away! Make it legal, make testing more accessible, make it clean.

I am an escort by choice. I have a full-time well paying job outside of Belle and I am not the exception to the rule. I do this because I enjoy it. Yes, the money is a bonus, I will not argue the fact but it is not a means to an end for me nor for many other sex-trade workers. I am just so tired of listening to whiney, overweight, sex deprived women tell me that what I do is wrong.

I meet with ,men who make me feel better about myself and show me more respect than most partners I have had in my personal life. Why? Because I ask for the respect. We as sex workers have a choice. If we are not comfortable with a client or his wishes, we say so. We can leave at any time, we can refuse at any time. What we do and what we do not do is our choice and ours alone to make. The only difference between our relationships with men as sex-trade workers is that we get paid for it and we do it with complete strangers. But let's face it. Have most people not had sex with a stranger? ||||||Do

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Lesson #2: Like it or not, kids grow up

Had I written this post 8 months ago I’m sure it would ring a different tune. As they say, hind sight is 20/20.

Long story short, kid snuck out in the middle of the night and I busted her. What followed was a severe grounding.....from everything! Cell phone, computer, extra-curricular sports and of course, the boyfriend who was the reason for the late-night escapade. Naturally she didn’t like that. What I didn’t expect was that she would not come home after school the next day. In fact, she informed me by text that she would never be coming home.

That text was followed by numerous others, accusing me of providing an unfit home for her to live in. Of course, this text came to me from the $350 cell phone I had just bought her the month prior. She claimed to have visited the right people and have been informed of her rights, that she was 16 and able to leave of her own accord. I did not respond as well as I did the first time she experienced alcohol. In fact, I totally bombed at being rational and mature. I demanded the house key and the cell phone and drove right then to pick them up from her. I have never been so angry at my child. Never did I think a child could do something so wrong to ever make me feel the way I did.

The days that followed were hell. She requested her things. Her things? My position was that I bought and paid for everything she left behind, therefore what things were hers? If I had my way, I would have given her nothing. My boyfriend at the time talked me into giving her the basics so the basics is what she got. Not the $300 in clothes she got for Christmas but the clothes she would never have been caught dead in public with. None-the-less, she had clothes. I provided her with the bare necessities. She asked me to drop them off, I informed her they were in bags at the curb

After meeting with her boyfriend’s parents the night prior and them being willing to take her in I made it clear they would not get any help from me, that she had a perfectly good home to be in. For them to allow her to live with them made me sick. I was not going to make this easy....for them or for her.

That week brought not one but two visits from the local police department to try and gain possession of her things. By this time I was just sick. The first time I allowed her to leave with hair products and things but made it clear that the TV, the bed and the remaining clothing was property of my home, not my daughter. Needless to say she was pissed. The second visit by the police I lost the politeness I had the previous visit. I made it clear that without a warrant they were not entering my home, something they told me I had to allow the first visit. A quick call to my lawyer made me aware of my rights. She left in tears, empty handed. As angry as I was, seeing her cry like that tore me up inside. I knew I was doing right. I knew I had to be strong and stand my ground. I had to make this tough on her if only to give her a glimpse of what the adult world is like. But the Mom in me, seeing her baby girl hurting and not reaching out to her was the toughest challenge I have had as of yet, as a parent. And she drove away.

She left behind her siblings, confused and torn, hurting just as I was. I had to be okay. I had to show them that we will be okay. And so it was. My baby gone. This was not how it was supposed to be, but as I have learned, very little in life ever is.The following eight months were spent being angry, even hateful to being hurt, back to being angry and then eventually, accepting our new relationship. It is hard to relate to your baby on an adult level. To back away from mothering and learning to being a friend. To give advice when asked and shut-up otherwise. I learned a lot about myself through this time of her being gone. Mistakes I had made, regrets I had. They are tough to face. But I did.

She came home recently and while the circumstances that brought her home are not the most favourable, she is here and she is safe. I am not so sure she learned all that I had hoped for her during her time on her own but I do think it opened her eyes some to just how much I love her, how important family is and how scary it can be when you turn your back on both.

1st Lesson learned: I WILL be the woman with 40 cats

1st Lesson learned: I WILL be the woman with 40 cats

I took a chance, I will give myself that...and I gave it all I had. Something that started out as a casual relationship quickly turned into something with prospects. And so I let Belle go. And not once did I look back. I dropped my emails, dropped the boards, dropped all that came with her. I had to know what it was like. I had to know if what lied out there for me was what I had envisioned those many nights in bed, married and unhappy. What if I left? Would I be able to love? Would I be able to be loved? And the questions I asked myself as I would put my Belle Face on. Who am I without her? Is it the same, not being her? What’s it like to have all that she has, without the situational differences that separate us two? I needed to know and so I let go.

Dating at 35 is much different than dating at 18. Things have really changed in 17 years. Ok, maybe things haven’t changed. I suppose dating as a teen today is quite similar as it was back then, but dating as an adult, a single parent is a much different experience. When I was a teen, I wore my heart on my sleeve. Sure it got broke a few times but as weeks passed by, it mended as a young heart does. By age 35 I learned just how fragile the heart really is. And after being broken time and time again not only does it take longer to mend but it becomes much harder to reach that place buried deep down inside. I learned to protect myself from being hurt, perhaps a little too well.

Time. I had all the time in the world as a teen to devote to puppy love. That was a sure sign of a successful relationship....the more time you spent together the more in love you were. Every day began with making plans, confirming plans and following through with those plans. And the next day, you made more plans for the next day, and you followed through with them. For a single mom at 35, dating means making plans for a week away, changing those plans twice through the week and more often than not, those plans would fall through as the day came. There is just not enough time. But I did give every spare minute of what little time I had. It just wasn’t enough.

Parenting. I hadn’t realized just how strong my views on parenting were until dating someone who also has children. No right or wrong here, just different parenting styles and unless you are on the same page when it comes to how you raise your children, putting them all in the same room together does not mix. Trying to not speak when it was not my place, trying to stand ground on certain beliefs without being the heavy. Trying to win in a no-win situation is a battle of its own. To put several children together of different families with different sets of rules and expect them to get along was a ridiculous idea. No, it was an insane idea! But again, I had to give it my all, and I did.

Honesty. I have always believed that honesty was the best policy. If I have nothing left to offer, I would always give my word, the truth. I lived many years in a marriage full of deceit and lies. I refused to live that life ever again. And so, as we grew closer I sat him down and we talked about Belle. Crazy, I know. But in my heart of hearts I believed this would pave the way for a healthy relationship. And I believed that for a man to truly love me he must accept me for who I am and Belle is a very big part of who I have become. The conversation was awkward, more for him than me. I made it clear I was not ashamed of my past, in fact, quite contrary to that I was rather proud. I did not get into specifics but all in all he now knew all he needed to know about Belle. Needless to say it didn’t go over so well. Actually, he took it very well, assured me that it didn’t change the way he felt about me and that he could handle it. Ten months later it was clear he couldn’t....but I cannot fault him for that. Question is, can anyone accept that of his woman, his wife? Can a man be expected to accept such a past and let it go, to have it never come between his relationship with the woman he loves? I don’t suppose so.
And for those reasons, I have tried, tested and proven true to my previous post that yes, I WILL be the woman with 40 cats.

But I am okay with that now. I now know what I must sacrifice not to become that woman and it’s not a sacrifice I am willing to make.

What a journey that was!

I sat alone, the house was dark and I didn't know where to turn. So much has gone on in my life and while taking the good with the bad, tonight the darkness left the only thought..... now what? I've never been normal, as society would see fit as normal. I have always been pretty much a loner, keeping my deepest, dearest thoughts to myself. My head is a place where I let no one in. I sometimes find solace as I visit there, othertimes utter confusion. But it is my place, my place alone. Tonight the silence was just killing me, I had to reach out. But to who? Surely not to those I spend my life shutting out. They just don't get who I am. They just don't understand. And so I broke the still of the night by that sound I have missed so much....tap, tap, tap. Belle is blogging again.....

Throwing in the towel.....

I will try to sound intellectual as I write this. I will try to sound cool and calm. I will pretend that I am a hip understanding mom of a hormonal 15 yr old daughter. I will tell you I said all the right things. I will do all of these things in hopes that all of you know I am full of shit and totally freaking out right now.
I get home from work 6 hours early tonight to prepare for a long day in Toronto tomorrow with my girls. I need a good nights sleep. My teen is up at her computer, no surprise. I tell her I'm glad I am home early to send her to bed but know it's unlikely because she spent all damn day sleeping since coming home from a girlfriend's house at 11am. She sits on the chair next to me as I fire up my laptop. This seating arrangement is never good. When a teen leaves the computer to sit next to you, it's serious. And then she says.....

"I wasn't sure if I was going to tell you this but....."

One sentence. If I had one thought I had one thousand before she carried on. Sex? Drugs? Sex? Smoking? Drinking? Sex? My heart raced, I typed my password into the box to unlock my laptop and no matter how hard I tried, could not find it in me to look at her. "You're a lesbian?" I said jokingly, trying to keep the air light. Please say yes, I thought. I can handle a gay daughter. Hell, I'd pat her on the back if that were the case. Unfortunately I was her age not so long ago. (Hold back the laughter, I'm not in a joking mood right now!)

She spent last night drinking in the rain, sitting on a blanket in a backyard while her girlfriend's parents slept. First I was angry at the parents. Why the f*** isn't that shit locked up with teenagers in the house? Then I was glad it wasn't me being the ignorant parent sound asleep while someone else's daughter was getting drunk in my home. She said something about 3 shots of straight vodka, a shot of rum and a glass of white wine. My stomach tuned on the inside but I just sat there clicking links on my Google page looking rather unphased by what she was telling me. Then she got to the best part of the story....she puked....and puked.....and puked! Then came the promise to never drink again. I remember uttering those same words....just a few weeks ago.

I told her I was glad she chose to do it at a place where adults were around in case she needed them as opposed to walking the streets in a drunken stupor. I told her I was her age once, I knew this was coming. I told her vodka was the worst to drink straight, that her blurry vision and headache was called a hangover and that it was God's punishment for being so damn stupid. And I told her I was glad she puked and then took back the sympathy I gave her earlier about being all bruised up. I thought the bruises were from an intense cheerleading practice earlier in the day, she informed me that she remembered falling down in the bathroom, bedroom, living room and front porch. I seriously considered adding a bruise or two myself, but I didn't show it.

First and formost I would like to thank Belle who gave me the strength to pretend I am something I am not. Without her I would not have known how to appear calm in stressful situations. Without her I would not have known how to smile when I wanted to cry, whisper when I wanted to scream, hold a steady hand when my entire being was shaken to the core.

Thank you to the fellow nominees I find myself in company with. I am not so sure I deserved the oscar for "best supporting actress" any more than the rest of you so I accept it on behalf of all mothers out there who have survived parenthood. One last comment before I leave the stage....to those parents out there that let their kids live to see their 16th birthday........HOW THE F*** DID YOU DO IT?????

I am going to be honest here. Yes, I know she is 15. yes, I know teens do this sort of thing. Yes, I was 15 once too. But no, I was not prepared for it. I thought I was. I've played it out in my mind. But not any more prepared for this than I will be the day it turns to drugs or sex. I am so not cut out for this job. I didn't sign up for this shit and I'm not as fucking strong as everyone seems to think I am. And dammit.....where is her fucking father right now? She is ok. She is sound asleep in her bed. i know, I just checked on her. And there lay my baby. Am I crazy for wanting her to stay my baby? I hear other parents talk about this with their own children. They laugh, they somehow find it funny. I am truly sick over it and can't stop myself from crying. I am not ready for this. She is not ready. I am not ready.

I'm Baaaaaaack!

Well, it's been some time since I have sat on my love seat, a timmies in hand in the middle of the night and posted to my blog. It's been too long in fact. Where to begin......
First and foremost the biggest change this year has been me leaving the escorting industry. I know, I've said that before. But this time it was and is, final. It wasn't a tough decision really, I knew it was time. Not that I wasn't having a good time, not that I wasn't welcome but that I found myself ready for the next step. I wasn't sure what that was, I still am not so sure but I am ready for whatever that may be. In all honesty, keeping my life as Belle discreet was becoming impossible. My children are growing older and with that comes the fact that they are becoming more aware of a life outside of themselves. Explanations were difficult, time was limited and they have now reached an age where Mom needs to be at home with them. And what a wonderful place to be.
March was an exciting month with the airing of the documentary I participated in with DOCTV. A blog entry will be following this post soon giving all the details so I won't go into it here save to say I do not see an acting career in my future, I think I will stick to my writing.
I left my husband. I know, I've said that before. But this time it was and is....final. More posts on that to follow as well. Let's just say it was a good thing I did not have my blog to post to during the first few months of this transition. Now, about 8 months later, I am able to write with some objectivity. Not always, I still have my moments.

A new part of my life will enter my blog following this post.....dating. Ugh. Just reading that takes me through some dreadful memories. Good times, not so good times. Needless to say it is not quite the experience I thought it would be so far. I'm assuming it gets better....right? Be ready for some more "Belle is venting, Duck!" posts, as well as my "Oath to thy self" post. Interesting reads I can assure you.

I will end this by saying how truly grateful I am to all of you for your support and emails while my blog was offline. Even though I write simply to get things off my chest, knowing that others are reading, that someone cares what I have to say and moreso, that someone misses sharing my experiences and reading the things I write here means so much to me. I have missed the banter we shared here and hope we can pick up where we left off.

xo Belle

Friendships with an SP?

Friendship with an SP. The most complicated of relationships or what???? I have a select few in my personal life that I have chosen to share my Belle life with, for obvious reasons. I have just ended a friendship with one of the select few and am so pissed, I have to vent.
Over the brief course of our friendship, he had made comments about us being together sexually. Something that has never happened between us. I made it clear, in the early stages, that I needed someone to talk to openly with, share my life in a way that friends do….without being expected to have sex.
And what do you know. From silly little advances to constant hounding, sex became a frequent request of his no matter how many times I turned him down. Over and over again I made it clear, I just want to be friends. Is that so much to ask of the opposite sex? Are all men so damn driven by their penises that any relationship with the opposite sex has to involve the act itself?
He gave me promises of how it would not affect our friendship. I told him I knew otherwise. He told me how he could adhere to my rules, how we would keep it strictly sexual. I told him I prefer to have sex with people who don’t tell me their real names. He begged me to do it, I begged him to stop. It was like a little boy hounding his mommy for candy in the checkout aisle. And when I finally ended it, there was the temper tantrum. Full blown, lay-on-the-floor, curled-in-the-fetal-position, wailing temper tantrum. First it was the guilt trip “obviously our friendship meant nothing to you”. Then it was the “Remember this when you are in dire straits and have no one to call” as though I could not survive without him. And lastly, the “It ended because you don’t respect me and my opinions” Again, another guilt trip.
Our last conversation went something like this:
She said: “Honestly, I just want to be friends, is that so much to ask?”He said, “Well, when you talk about sex with strangers and the things you do as Belle, it is hard not to get turned on”.She said, “Fine, then no discussion of sex ever again, if that is what it will take” (as she rolled her eyes thinking how much of an ass he really is, that his whole purpose was to get laid, that he truly believed she was easy and would fuck anything)He said, “Really…so then we really have nothing left to talk about considering your life is 90% sex”She said, “You just said it all right there, that really hurt.”

Instantly he was deleted. Deleted from my email, deleted from my cell contact, deleted from my life. Sex most certainly has its place in my life, there is no doubt. But it doesn’t define me. And I think it is time in my life to start building lasting, meaningful relationships with people in my personal life. People that will see me for me. I may not be able to share all of my life with most people but I do know I am worthy of being more to someone than their sexual entertainment.

So that is that. Now, do you really think it to be possible that an SP have a strictly platonic relationship with a man? Is it so inconceivable to think that a sex crazed, passionate, intense woman (who just so happens to get paid for every orgasm she has) also has other needs in her life that she seeks to be met through other relationships? Or are men sexual creatures unable, even if willing, to have a non-sexually based relationship with a woman. Period?

WTF am I doing?

The playing field, 16 years later. Same players, different age? Different players altogether? Or is it a whole new game? Do I even know how to play anymore? The guy who asked for my number? Yeah Him. I gave him my number. Why? Because I could. Not because I thought he was the one. Not because I thought he'd sweep me off my feet or rock my world for a night. Just because I could. Because he asked and it is the natural thing a normal single woman would do. No. A single woman would have given him her home phone number. I gave him my cell. He smiled as thoughthe had some privileged information. I smiled because he had no idea that anyone with a computer had access to it as well.

My ex and I had an agreement. He did what he did, I did what I did. The rule was that none of it was to intervene with our life at home. No phone calls, no guests. Our home was sacred. At home we were a family. My view has not changed, even with him gone. My home is still sacred, we here are still a family. I will not allow any one to intervene. So, cell phone it is.

I am not a phone talker. Even as Belle, I choose not to talk on the phone. Belle brings forth a multitude of reasoning for this but for the most part; I simply don't like to spend much time on the phone. The next day, it rings. Belle doesn't answer her phone and by the same reaction, I don't either. I watch it ring. The screen lit up, it vibrates on the arm of my chair. And for some reason I panic. So I let my voicemail take over. I hear the tune play telling me I have a message. I picked it up with my sweaty palm, dialed my code and put it to my ear.

Now many thoughts go through my head as I listen to "You have 1 unheard message. Press 1 to hear your message". In that 2.5 seconds I wonder what he has said? I wonder if he has invited me out for coffee or if he jumped right to dinner. I wonder if he has invited me to his home, out for drinks or if he just called to say hi. Really I am just wondering what the f*** I am doing.

His voice is strong and confident. I like that in a man. Not just in my man, but any man. "Hi *****, it's *****. Just calling to say hi, sorry I missed you. I'll be home for most of the afternoon if you would like to give me a call back and if not, I will see you at work. Have a good day." Harmless. No pressure. No expectations. It seems safe to call him back. Do I call him back? Is it rude not to? Do I wait an hour or call right away? Is it presumptuous to call back right away? This is so stupid. I have no intention of dating him. Hell, I don't even have any intention of sleeping with him. If I am putting myself to the test and using him as my guinea pig then I must call him back or I have failed my own test. I can do this.

So, lying in his incredibly soft bed that night, :rolleyes: I stare at the ceiling. He is talking about some mind blowing experience he just had and I again find myself asking myself, “WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING?” This isn’t someone who will be leaving an envelope on the nightstand never expecting me to call again. This isn’t someone who knows the rules. This is someone from out there. A place where people date, get to know one another, share each other’s thoughts and dreams. This is someone who, very clearly, is open to having sex on the first “get together” (I refuse to use the term “date”) but yet is very likely to ask for something more from me than I am willing to give. Not to mention I will have to see this person most every day for the rest of my working life. I ask myself again, “WTF am I doing?”

I could segregate this entry, making several posts out of the 9 hours we spent together and perhaps I will in time as I grapple with the consequences of my actions. Yes, in this single world, there are consequences. It doesn’t work like Belle’s world out there. I realized that when I had the condom between my lips ready to apply it without using my hands and I look up to see this peculiar look on his face. Knowing I should have spent a little more time fooling around with the wrapper acting as though I had just a little less experience considering that I, to him, am a newly separated woman who had been married for 16 years and has four children. Odds are I haven’t used a condom in quite some time. Note to self……tone it down a notch….or 10.

So really......WTF am I doing?

Breaking Co-Dependancy

While I am at peace with the end of my marriage I find myself having to face many fears. Things in my life that I had relied on my husband to take care of. While I learned to pump my own gas last year there are many things I have shied away from. The BBQ. I have a fear of fire. You will see how most of my fears stem from this fear. I worry there will be a propane leak and the thing will blow so I went to my best buddy for a BBQ lesson. He showed me how to turn it on and off. Then how to change the tank. Then how to take it apart and clean it. Lastly, how to cook on it.

Next lesson: The weed whacker. It's loud, the noise terrifies me. I picture the string catcihg hold of a kids mcdonald's toy burried beneath the grass and come flying up seriously injuring someone. I tried it for a few seconds and decided I didn't lke it. He finished the job for me.
Light bulbs. Of all stupid things to be afraid of! I hate changing light bulbs. I have security lighting outside my house. All the bulbs needed to be changed. Those bulbs they specify "Do not touch bulb". HTF do you change the bulb wthout touching it? Now I know.

While being giving handy-woman lessons I cleared my shed of 2 useless weed whackers and tosed them in front of my house. The scoundrels are always out on weekends. Good guess on my part. 10 minutes later, one was gone. I parked my ass at the curb a good 30 minutes in hopes someone would take me home with them. I was always told "What's one man's trash is another man's treasure". Apparently the other weed whacker had more to offer than I did as a guy drove up, asked if it was for free and took it, leaving me behind. I dragged my sorry ass back into the house to think up some dinner ideas.

Next weekend: Painting the shed
Clean out the shed
Fix broken shed window

I hope it rains. :rolleyes:

Sitting on the fence

Sitting on the fence gives one a beautiful view. You can see the meadows in the valley, the beautiful wildflowers swaying with the wind. You can witness the innocence of children as they chase butterflies through the fields knowing that they don’t truly want to catch one as the fun is in the chase. The colors of the flowers, the beauty of nature, the smells of the grass after a summer rain…it is all in front of you while you sit upon the fence.

I have been sitting on the fence a very long time. I love to see what lies ahead, glimpse beyond the wooden structure to see all that the world has to offer. I sit here and dream of stepping down, feeling the grass beneath my bare feet. I dream of writing a book and then another. I dream of falling in love, of being loved. I dream of travelling and skiing. I dream of what it would be like to chase the butterflies with those children. I dream of a life full of trust and respect and happiness.

I look behind me, to the other side of the fence. My life as it was. It is a swamp. Swampy waters, stingy and unkempt. I can smell the stagnant water, just sitting there. For years and years, the hurt, the lies, the hateful stares just left there to rot at my soul. It is dark and murky. Left behind when I climbed atop my fence is a lifetime of self-worthlessness, but as I sit here I can still smell it, still feel its cold waters against my skin.

I want to join the children chasing butterflies in the meadow. Would I be disturbing them in their game? Would I be imposing on their innocence by bringing to them my uncertainty that so long a time of sitting on the fence has given me? What I am asking is if my desire to seek out the world would be fair to the children if they seem to be happy playing as I watch them from my sturdy perch?.

From where I sit, I cannot fall but neither can I know what it is to run in the meadow. I am content here and I really have nothing to lose by keeping my feet firmly planted but I also know I have nothing to gain either. I have left the murky waters behind but have yet to let the grass touch my feet. It is not for fear that I may fall but that I may disturb the children playing. It seems so selfish to want something for me, to consider going into the meadow and disturbing their happy innocent world. As parents, how do we decide when it is okay to do things for ourselves when those decisions will have such a huge impact on the children?

Belle is my fence. I waded through the murky waters and found what I needed to lift me out to dry land. I have used Belle to give me a glimpse into a world I never knew was out there. A world that could be mine. I have learned what it is like to have friends, to have someone call when they haven’t heard from me in a while. I have learned what it is like to have someone care for me, worry for me and be happy for me. I have felt what it is like to have a man want me. I have learned to love my body and not feel ashamed to be naked in front of him. I have learned to smile, I have learned to cry. Ok, the latter is a work in progress. But I have learned there is more out there. I can dream. I never dreamed before. I now have dreams. Most importantly, I have learned who I am and who I want to be. My fence has served its purpose. Belle saved me when I needed saving. And now I want more.

Is it fair to want more? Not to say that I don’t deserve more as I know I do. I am at a place in my life where I know I deserve to have all I can dream of. But by moving forward, by making changes in my life, I change the children’s lives too. Is it fair to disrupt their life for my own happiness? The problem is, I can’t be sure that my moving forward is a step forward for them as well. They are happy, their world is protected. I just don’t know how long I can go on sitting on the fence and smiling when I yearn so badly to move on.

I know, more mumbo jumbo as I think out loud again. :rolleyes: I’ve got slivers in my ass, anyone have a pair of tweezers I can borrow till I get this shit figured out?

I don't need saving, thanks anyways.

I have encountered many personalities since I have been in this business. I hate to lump clients into any sort of stereotypical group but many seem to fit into a category of sorts. Some lonely, some in need of control, some passive, some sex craved, some adventurous, some clueless and then you get the "knights in shining armor". The men that want to whisk me away, save me from this lifestyle, show me how a woman should really be treated. :rolleyes:

I would never knock any gentleman that visits with an escort assuming their intentions are harmless. We all have our reasons for participating, whatever they may be. But let me say this just one more time......I don't need saving! I do what I do because I choose to, not because I have to. I have a full time job that supports by family. I don't need to do this. I don't hand my money off to a pimp, I don't do drugs and I don't need someone telling me how I am only fooling myself. You can have your opinions but please keep them to yourself. I am not asking anyone to understand me or my life choices, just to accept them.

This business is so much less complicated than the outside world. This is my getaway. This is where I can be whoever I want to be, live out a fantasy that many could only dream of. This is where I can let go, have no inhibitions and be accepted for whatever I am willing to bring to the table. I ask no more than that from you and in return you ask no more of me. There is no pressure here. No expectations here. No BS here. It is what it is and most accept it for being just that.

In my personal life I must deal with being judged. In my personal life I must live up to people's expectations. In my personal life I must adhere to what and who society dictates I must be. Belle is my getaway. She is carefree, fun and adventurous. Why would I need saving from that? I agree that some ladies may find themselves in this business as a means to an end. And they may need saving. And they may not. But please don't ever partonize a woman in this business by doubting her purpose. It's demeaning and (IMHO) your advice is unwelcome. I am sorry to use my blog as a means to send out a message to one particular individual but I know he is reading and I hope my point has been made.

What's missing?

Think about all experiences you have had with an SP. Aside from the obvious, what, if anything, do you find to be missing from the experience? Is there something you wish was a part of your encounters or something you experienced with an SP that you wish was more par for the course? I have to say that I enjoy music and wished that was a more common element to the experience. While I wouldn't consider showing up with a CD player, the radio being on from time to time would be nice. Not only do I find music to help relax and put both parties at ease it also helps the mood a little. I don't mean soft romantic music so much as any music in general, it seems to promote a natural reaction to move. Not that moving is ever a problem of course.....you get where I am going with this.

So outside of the act itself, what would you like to be a more common part of your experience? Sharing a bottle of wine? A soak in the hot tub? Once, just once, where a driver isn't beeping his horn 60 minutes on the dot? :P

Do you ask for directions?

I'm not talking any sort of direction you may find on a map either, unless you find it in a book written by Dr. Ruth. When being intimate with a partner, do you encourage instruction from him or her? Would the answer vary depending on if it was an SP or a lover? I have been asked by many clients to tell them what I enjoy and to direct them per say. I am wondering if this sort of direction offends a man (or woman), making them feel incompetent in the bedroom. I am not referring to things you would like to try or ways to spice things up, I just mean simple things like harder or softer, fast or slow....the manner in which foreplay and sex are played out.

I consider myself to be good at reading people which is a big part of this business from an SP's perspective. When I am meeting with a client that is on the shy side I know he needs me to take initiative and I know he is unlikely to express how he best enjoys a sexual enounter. From here I feel him out, so to speak. And it is not too often a client has left me not having reached his goal. But what if a woman was to ask you to move a little slower or to pay a little more attention to something other that what you are focussing your attention on? Would that turn you off? Would it turn you on?