Navigating the New

 If you're not from my inner circle of industry friends you may not understand just how much the industry has changed over the past 18 years. I wasn't young when I came in as the new girl, I was 32. And I think I did a pretty good job of figuring it all out back then. I was an agency girl working for one of the two best escort agencies in town. Now keep in mind, we are talking soccer mom by day, escort by night. Belle was a whole new world for me, something completely outside of my rudimentary life. Although not young, I had the energy and gumption as though I were. I connected well not only with my clients but with the other girls, the agencies and many who never saw me in a professional way but enjoyed the conversation I brought to the table through the boards and my blog.

Back then there were parties, industry parties where agencies would bring their girls and sometimes even the independent SP's would participate. We rented houses to celebrate holidays, full turkey dinners at Thanksgiving, Steak for Steak and BJ Day. We wore costumes for Halloween parties, sometimes renting a whole floor of a hotel for the festivities. We toured wineries, local bars and of course many events that were held naked in the local dive hotel pool. Good times.

So how do I feel about the industry today? How have things changed and where do I see myself moving forward?

Things are much different today. 18 years ago, outcalls were really unheard of. Independents would come down from Montreal or Toronto and you would hear talk of them offering incalls but as for agencies and even local indy's, the business was 99% outcall. Today it's all about incalls, in my short time since returning I would say 85% of my business is incall. So this put me in an unfamiliar situation of having to choose hotels. It's not easy to address daytime use of a room with hotel staff and so I struggle even still with how to communicate my needs and maintain a level of trust and respect from the employee despite the intended use for the room. And it shouldn't be that awkward as it's not the first time a hotel room is being used for sex so why does adding in the fact that money is being exchanged complicate things? 

Anyways, I overcame my nervousness and have worked out a nice arrangement with a local hotel near me. I submitted my personal ID and CC info without hesitation so sadly this arrangement wouldn't work for those who do not wish to leave a paper trail but for me it works. Now that this is settled I am much more at ease when booking appointments.

I used to spend a great amount of time on the local escort review boards. Years ago thee were two for the region, now being only one that I consider reliable and safe to participate on. I've been saddened to see that there is not much participation like there used to be, maybe a sense of community that feels lost to me. But it could also be that I am still feeling like the new girl again and while there are so many people I'm familiar with on the board, there are so many new names, new personalities and really a newer generation of hobbyists logging in. I hope to help be a part in reigniting the industry flame. I would like to see local events and get togethers return. I strongly believe, and always have, that these events serve as an environment where the men can meet the ladies of the industry, see if they click with them before jumping in so to speak. They serve to promote the ladies and help them gain new clients. They are casual, safe and fun if organized in the right way. Something I will be working on in the coming weeks.

The girls. I can't talk about the industry without talking about the girls! It's been nice to see that there seems to be much support for one another, both between agency girls and independents. The board I participate in has really cracked down on the hurtful and belittling behaviour between SP's. There is no room for any of that in this industry. We are strong, beautiful, intelligent women, there is no need to break another down. The ladies of today have been nothing but supportive and complimentary to one another, something I'm very proud to be a part of. 

I've connected so well with an indy who is not only the most sexual being I've ever met but who matches me in how we think, how we view the industry and who truly understands the sense of satisfaction and validation in what we do as service providers. Her name needs no introduction, everyone in the local scene knows her. Jewel has become not only my only duo partner but also a very dear friend. Going forward this gem and I have big plans so stay tuned for more on that!

Age. 18 years has passed, so I'm a little older. Go figure, right? And while with age comes maturity and blah, blah, blah....it also comes with aches and pains. recovering from a 3 hour duo is not as easy today! I'm currently looking into investing in an epsom salt company (maybe my next Dragon's den idea wiseguy?) as it has become my best friend. Joking aside, wait....there is no joke, it's all true. Recovery time is something I never had an issue with but between age and three years of covid, it's now something I actually have to add to my schedule. But if you know me, you also know it won't slow me down, I just plan around it now.

There is so much that has changed but hey, the entire world has changed and so like everything else I will continue to adjust and grow and follow my own path, wherever that may lead. I could carry on but I'm feeling ashamed as my robot vacuum works around me, it's 2:54pm and I'm still in my pyjamas (which for the record I only put on when I wake up, I'm a nude sleeper). Thanks for reading!

xo Belle

Belle and I

 I struggle every day with forgetting where I've put my glasses. I leave the house once, twice, even three times retrieving my keys, purse, lube....yet after 18 years I still remember my way back here. While the format seems unfamiliar, as I reread a few previous posts I immediately felt at home.

 I've missed writing but in all honesty I'm glad I took a break the past 3 years. As you can tell if you do read back, I was all over the place in my last writings. It was a breakthrough time; a time of self-indulgence, reflection and sexual exploration. All things of which have been a part of my journey as Belle but this time around I've learned how to incorporate Belle into my personal life. 

As much as I'm excited to update and journal here I first want to say that I am so touched by comments and emails from those of you that have checked in over the years. It's really something to think that my writing, sharing my life experiences can resonate with someone, somewhere. It's humbling, so thank you. 

Much more to come as I have a few posts in the works. 

Belle is Back!

 XO

A night to remember, pt. 1

I'm standing in front of the vanity mirror, the cold hotel tile beneath my freshly showered feet. As I await my curling iron to reach max-curl temperature I mentally prepare myself for the scene we are about to play out. We have spent much time with most every detail of this evening's events but not so much in that we have lost what we are looking for out of tonight.

Choosing "him" was something we both considered the most important part of our fantasy. If we didn't connect with him, if he didn't respect his position within our dynamic then it would be all for naught. So that led us to really communicating from each other's perspective why cuckolding is so sexually enticing.

It wouldn't be surprising for a woman to say she loves attention so needless to say the thought of two men making me their focus makes me very wet. But it is not just the selfish indulgence that turns me on, it's the pleasing them at the same time that pleases me the most. It's the dirty girl in me being set free and sharing that experience with someone I love. It doesn't get much hotter than that.

For him, he loves that dirty girl too! He loves that I love sex and that we both share the same views on love and sex and how very separate the two are. He loves to watch me being pleased. Although this is the first time we have invited another man to join he loves watching me as he fucks me or as I masturbate for him. My pleasure is his and his is mine.

So we decided he was to be tall dark and handsome with an average or above cock. Other than that we were not too specific. After much searching through local ads we connected with a young man in his 20's. I honestly never thought I would choose that young but there are bonuses to young men and he did not disappoint; something to be said for keeping an open mind.

So here I am doing my hair, just an hour shy of his arrival. I will say I was nervous without a doubt. While sexually excited, it did not come without a little fear of the unknown. Thankfully my experiences as Belle had really helped me prepare for that night providing some ease as I did my best to compartmentalize this night.

My boyfriend sat in a chair, dressed so respectfully in his dress pants and dress shirt waiting to meet the man he has asked to come fuck me. I dressed for the occasion as well, tonight would be well worth celebrating. And with a knock at the door I looked over at him as he gave his nod of approval. I then walked to greet our fine guest, knowing this would be a night to remember.

Domme for a day, kinda

The entire front-side of the store was adorned with blacked out glass giving the feel that there was something much too scandulous for the vanilla public, going on beyond them. I stepped out my driver's seat door and adjusted the belt on my black trench coat. It was a chilly fall evening, not hard to take notice of the crisp gusts of wind catching my steps as we approached the entrance. He held the door for me, as every good boy should. He knew it was in his best interest to keep me pleased for this visit.

I stepped past the threshold, my black leather heeled boots making a clack on the tile floor with each step that I took, demanding acknowledgement of my presence by everyone in the store. I paused to see all heads turned my way and I sheepishly smiled. At first it was embarrassment but that reaction was fleeting, giving way seconds later to this feeling of power; control. Then I smiled a grin that (had surely been seen by anyone) would have been taken as provocatively evil. And rightfully so.

Because I know all eyes are on me, I know all eyes are on him as he knows to stay close. So I ask, rather loudly and not addressed to any particular one, just any one who may work there, "Could I get help with these cock cages please?"  There's that provocatively evil smile again. I don't look at him feeling he is getting plenty of attention by others right now, he is not worthy of mine.

I discuss with the sales clerk the difference between styles allowing him to input his opinion of preference. It's important to let him think he has a little control from time to time, this is a tough role-switch for him albeit a fantasy he has wanted to live out since he was adolescent. I really didn't care what style he chose so it was an easy situation I could make him feel in control and stoke that pathetic ego of his when in fact, I didn't give a shit.

We drove home, he with his cage in a black bag on his lap and grinning from ear to ear. He clearly thought this was cute and that kinda pissed me off. It became even more clear when I had him naked on the bed that he was amused. Lesson #1 boy, will yourself soft. I licked and teased him and made him nice and hard, then I stepped off the bed and announced to him that I was going to go bathe a while. In that time he was to will himself soft and get in his cage, knowing if I tried to do it he would get hard. Baby steps, that training too will come.

I took my time and some 30 minutes later I reentered the bedroom to see him caged and locked. It was time to wipe that grin off him, so proud he did such good work. He was to go to work this way. Caged. In his suit. And because he was so good by caging himself I would entrust him with the key and that he would only release the cage in emergent situations. And he would not be punished for doing so. This is where trust is so important. I trust he would follow my wishes as he agreed to do. And he did.

Knowing he was caged and in an environment where there were many attractive women he would be dealing with kept that smile on my face all night long. While I wasn't there to watch it I am in tune with him enough to know the internal torment he was feeling, both his innate nature to flirt and be in control fighting with feeling defiled by this cold steel cage. Knowing I had this control over him from so far away; I won't pretend I haven't gotten off to that if not a dozen times since.

50 Shades: Electro Stim

Pleasure and pain. It has become a very fine line for me so when combining the two, the orgasms are phenomenal. But what most excites me is the amount of trust that a sub gives to her dom by allowing the introduction of electric stimulation into the bedroom.

Sitting naked and apprehensive on the bed I watched him unravel the exension cord he removed from the red bag. Placing a black plastic case on the bed he removed the wand and the attachments and assembed the unit to his pleasurable specifications. I layed myself out for him and he began by kissing me. My body trembled. With excitement. With fear. He placed the blindfold over my head and everythng went dark. Almost immediately I became disoriented. Losing track of where he was in the room I could hear him prepare. And then the crackle.

The first touch of the current through my body felt similar to that of a nine volt battery on your tongue. A humming tingle, sharp and contiuous; more of a nuisassance than pain or pleasure. It was on low and making contact with my upper arm. As the current was increased the sensation became more piercing. On the nipple it sent my entire chest up to my neck into a spasm. On my clit I was rendered helpless, writhig with the most pleasurable pain. If only there was another way to descibe  it.

He would kiss every part of my body and work in shocks between the kisses. Sometimes he would pause. Sometimes he woud not. I never knew what sensation was going to touch me where. At times when it hurt really bad I allowed myself to be aroused my the accomplishment to breathe through the pain.  But the real reward came when he whispered, "Good Girl". It truly pleases me to see him pleased.

While there is so much sensation involved with this type of play, once again for me I am so turned on by having someone who expects nothing of me than to be me. No promises or committments, no expectations than to respect and have a good time....and that is enough for him from me. I can trust him when I am most vulneable. There is nothing sexier than that!

xo Belle

50 Shades: Cuckolding

Fetish # 32: Cuckolding

I have always been a sexual being. I love sex. And I've been lucky enough to have lived out most of my sexual fantasies, cuckolding being the most recent. We spent time online searching for a third, a man to have his way with me as my master coaches him. Finding interested parties proved not to be a problem. But finding one we both connected with took a little time. And then we foud him. Anthony.

We met in a hotel room, he arrived at the specified time. I paused at the door after he knocked to look back at my Sir. He smiled and gave me the nod. I opened the door and welcomed him in. He said hello and walked past me into the room. After removing his coat and shoes he led to Sir with his hand out for a shake. I was quick to intervene as there was no reason for formalities here.

As my master watched from the desk chair I wrapped my arms around Anthony and kissed him. I kept my soft lips on his, my tongue gliding along the inside of his mouth as he allowed his nerves to pass and his shaking subsided. And with that he regained his power and gave me a gentle but definite push onto the bed. "Get undressed" he instucted. And so I did. He stood at the foot of the bed and stared at my naked body as a hunter would his prey; proud, pleased and desperate to devour. He undressed and I made my way to his cock and while kneeling on all fours I began the most seductive, wet blowjob doing all that I could to be sure he was pleased.

I made eye contact with Sir as he made his way to me laying on the bed. Leaning over me he held down my arms and my chest and asked if I was ready. Assuring him I was he instructed Anothy to fuck me, to take me any way he so wishes. And so Anthony did. Sir would kiss me while I was being fucked by another and that excited me. At the same time I looked into both of their eyes. So much passion and desire looking back at me. Anthony came. And not just once. He blew one load on my face then demanded I crawl to my master. When I did my master presented his cock and I blew him. Both had cum over my body and I had cum several times myself.

We sat and chatted on the bed for quite some time then called it a night. I went to bed thinking this is not where I had pictured myself to be at this age. I pictured being secure, successful and settled but this, this life is so much better. Sometimes it's the not knowing what's next, not knowing exactly where you stand, not knowing what tomorrow looks like that's the difference between living and being alive.

50 Shades: I give up (control)

Life as a single mom is tough. Every decision is made by me and the end result of those decisions oftentimes bears heavy weight on my shoulders. Simple decisions like what to make for dinner, more complicted ones like setting consequences for slacking in school, it seems my mind never stops. Being the one in control, the only go-to is exhausting.

But it is not just being mom that is tough. Being a woman, any woman is of no simple task. From what to wear; to our hair to our skin and nails our day is filled with critisism and judgement and we are never more than seconds away from our next decision to be made. We accept this and we suck it up. We are women, it is what we do. But it wears us down. We get tired. I am tired. Like what led me to Belle is likely the same driving force that has led me to the BDSM lifestyle. I need out.

Having spent several nights with my one night fling exporing our deviant kinks I quickly realized that I naturally identify with a submissive's role. I need to give up control. I need to stop thinking, for others, for myself. I need someone to take over. And my partner, he had no hesitation about becoming my dominant. He yearned for the power and respect that would be demanded of his submissive.

Together through much communiction we developed our roles. We talked hard limits and safe words, setting goals for what we would each like to achieve through this relationship. This time, for me, was the most open and honest I had ever been with a man, or myself about my sexuality. I was able to express my desires no matter how dark and twisted without fear of judgement. I was truly free.

And so it was a summer of discovery. He was teaching me to trust, to let go and be his. And I thanked him by keeping him pleased at his every whim. He struggled at first with this new found control. He was excited but he feared where this would lead. Would he know when to stop? Would he take things too far?

Each night we stole a little more from the other, pushed a little further, explored a little deeper. And the bedroom was not enough. This poison running through our veins that once only flowed during the midnight hours now seeped into the light of day. We could not get enough. And I didn't want to.

xo Belle

50 Shades: Intro

I will admit to not having read any of the "50 Shades" trilogy but I did see the first two movies that have been released. The first really piqued my curiosity as I had always been interested in the BDSM lifestyle but lacked any understanding of those type of relationships.  And from what I have learned in that time since seeing the first movie I also know that 50 Shades may not be the most accurate depiction either.  But it was enough for me to want to know more, to research the lifestyle in my local community; immerse myself in it and make a decision based on my personal experience and not that of some glamourized concept by Hollywood.

Sexuality is a beautiful thing and exploring it, pushing your boundaries while keeping an open mind only intensifies not only your relationship with your partner but also your relationship with yourself. The thought of a woman being hit by a man strikes a chord with most everyone, myself included. And giving power to a man to do as he wishes sexually strikes the very same chord. What I have always struggled with is how can I be so turned on yet utterly disgusted by the thought?

Five months ago a conversation broke out with a male friend. The same male friend I have been writing about since my hiatus. We had danced around the subject of bdsm before but this conversation we delved a little deeper into our own dark desires, both I think a little shocked at the others' confessions. While we have known eachother for so many years and always pictured the other in a most respectful way we never imagined these kinks within the other.

It was the most real I had ever been with a man...or with myself about my sexuality. But I trusted him enough to lay myself bare. It felt so good to just say, "This is who I am, this is what I would like to try". I am a grown woman and if not now then when? We had many conversations, joined several social media groups dedicated to the lifestyle and even visited a local sex shop to speak with the counterperson who just so happened to be in a bdsm relationship and was pretty connected in those circles within the community. We learned a lot.

More and more I became aware of my submissive tendancies and gained an understanding of why I yearn to be a part of something I always thought immoral. And, just like escorting I became aware that my disgust was half part misunderstanding and half part society and the social standards we are all raised by. I soon began to accept my kinks and instead of repressing them I chose to explore them.

I will continue to write a 50 shades series as I break down my experiences and share with you my personal journey in the bdsm lifestyle. I just need it to be said, as I have struggled about sharing my experiences that this in no way denotes any changes in the services I provide as Belle. These experiences, interests, curiosities etc. are solely related to my personal life and I in no way intend on offering any such services as Belle.

Xo Belle

Are you in love with me yet? Pt 2

After reading part 1 you may think it was written out of hurt, that I had surrendered and accepted defeat. I can assure you that although staying committed to my pact hasn't been naturally easy, it has been a beautiful blessing. It is still automatic for me to feel a slight hint of jealousy. It is still automatic for me to want to own or limit. I still find myself defaulting to the rules. It had been ingrained in me my entire life to react that way. But now I am aware when those feelings arise and I talk them down. I acknowledge them, rationalize them, then talk them down in my head and they go away. They aren't really how I feel, they are just an auto response.

My relationship with Him, the same Him I've written about in recent posts had been the biggest test in my pact. And I have written so much about him as of late because it was a very defining relationship for me. One I wish everyone had the chance to be a part of. We had great sex. If you read my post about great sex you will know exactly what I mean by that. But it wasn't purely sexual. We hung out a lot. Concerts, pool at the local bar, karaoke, sitting on the front step talking until the sun comes up, road trips, camping...we truly enjoyed one another's company.

He had everything any woman would possibly want in a man, everything a woman could fall in love with. He was attentive, smart, sexy, great in bed, great taste in music. I could have easily fallen in love...if I was the same woman I was many years ago. I could have easily wanted to own him, to call him mine. I could have limited his life, put rules on how he lived it and tried sculpting him into the perfect package of a man I had tried with all others before him.

But He was different. For the first time, the most amazing man walked into my life and treated me better than any man ever had. I trusted him more than any other, opened up to him more than any other, truly enjoyed being in his presence more than any other. He was better in bed than any other, sexier than any other and stimulated me more physically and mentally than any other. And because of all of those things, I did not love him.

After one very passionate night in a hotel room he was getting dressed in the morning and with his sexy swagger walked up to me and hugged me and with a cheeky grin asked, "Are you in love with me yet?". We had talked about love and how we both felt about it so he knew coming up to me and asking me that,  exactly what I would say. "No, I'm not in love with you ". Good", he said. And walked away with the same cheeky grin.

I thought about that conversation when I got home and I smiled. Not loving him was so much better than loving him. Not wanting to hold him back, not wanting to limit his life and place rules on him was so much better than loving him. Seeing him smile every time we are together, having us both look forward to the time we spend doing nothing, doing everything. If we loved one another we would have had many fights by now. We had yet to have one. If we loved one another we would be so cautious in what we say, how we look, how we act. And because we didn't love, we were just ourselves, all the time. No expectations, no hurt feelings, no jealousy, nothing to complicate these two wonderful people just trying to get through life.

No, I don't love you. I love how you make me feel; about myself, about life. I love how you kiss me, I love the feeling of your skin against mine. I love your arms around me, your laugh, your smile, your scent. I love that you're unpredictable and a little crazy, I love your off the wall thoughts. I love our conversations, our silence, our time together, our time apart. I love that you accept me and ask nothing more of me, I love that you can open up to me and feel free to be yourself.  But no I do not love you because not loving you is so much better.

Are you in love with me yet? Pt 1

I was raised as most were, to believe in love and that it is the basis of all relationships. And so as I grew up and began dating I was in search of that love I had heard all about. I fantasized about dating, getting married and growing old with someone that I could love. And with every failed relationship I felt more and more worthless. There was something wrong with me, something unlovable. I had such a strong attachment to relationships and love that when things didn't work out I internalized that failure. Because love, true love is what I was taught embodied the perfect relationship, it is what we as women were to strive for. But time and time again I failed to love or be loved.

So love. What did that look like to me? Love was possession. He was to be mine, I was to be his. When I felt jealous, to me I was in love. I had ownership over him, he was to only want me. And so when a man became jealous because of me it was only natural to assume he loved me. So to me, love was jealousy.

 Limiting. Love was about limits. No longer were you able to go out with friends when you wanted to, nor was he. Why? Because we have each other now? I am not sure how that came to be but love put limits on the who, what, when and wheres of how you live life. You were no longer your own person, free to be who you wanted to be. Now there are limits. He doesn't like how you do your hair or wear those tight jeans, it leads men on. Because love isn't about wearing those jeans because they make you feel good as a woman, it's about toning it down to a level he accepts. That is the love I was taught.

Rules. Love comes with lots of rules. You change how you talk to other men, being sure to not upset him by throwing out a fun flirty smile or even a simple laugh at another man's joke. You take caution in everything you say and do not wanting to upset him. So love becomes fear, walking on egg shells and again not being true to who you are because now you have rules. For all those things he fell in love with you for, the tight jeans, the fun flirty smile, the laughing at his jokes were a threat. And then, because you are no longer that person he fell in love with only because he asked you not to be, he walks away. Or, you decide you can no longer live life that way with him and you walk away.

So love then became very confusing for me. I wanted it so bad. But when I had it I despised it so I destroyed it. And each time i walked away feeling more defeated than before. My last significant relationship ended five years ago. I made sure I beat that one to the ground doing everything I could to get out. The highs were so high but the lows were unbearable. I wasn't allowed to eat, breathe or think without him dictating how I was to do it. When I walked away I made a pact with myself. My love will remain with my kids. They are the only ones that deserve it, that understand it, that will ever hear it come from my lips. I let go of my belief in a romanticized love. And my journey began.

Since then, having had a few relationships I still have not said those words. The difference between then and now is that I feel free having let go of all the limits and rules that come with love. I am truly free. I do not want to be owned, nor do I want to own anyone. I do not want to be limited nor do I want to limit anyone. I want to wear those tight jeans, do my hair or not do my hair, go out or not go out. I just want to be me. I am a strong independent woman. I don't need any man's love to hold me back. And aside from my kids, the only love I need to give is to myself. Love myself enough to allow failure, defeat, be humbled when I triumph and let myself grow as a woman. My love is reserved for me.

What makes great sex, great sex?

I have just in recent years begun to embrace the sexual being that I am. I've begun letting go of the societal norms and accepting that it's okay to be single and explore my sexual desires. And it's okay to do that without love, without commitment.

I've had sex with all types of men. Short, black, old, virgin, professional, thick, gay, trans...I've had them all. So when I speak of what makes great sex great, I do so with much experience. Some say there is no such thing as bad sex but I have to disagree. I've had bad sex. But what I consider to be bad sex, another may not. It all comes down to what you are looking to get out of it. If it's just an orgasm, then bad sex would be hard to come by, especially for a man. But I am not a man and even worse, I am a sexually adventurous woman whose bedroom pleasures are sometimes a little more complex than most women.

First and foremost, the end result for me is not an orgasm. If I get there, then great. I love a good orgasm, don't get me wrong. But some of the best sex I have had did not end with one. I take more pleasure in pleasing my partner than I do him pleasing me. Although the caveat to that would be knowing that pleasing me is the biggest turn on for him. Basically, my highest point of arousal stems from my partner's pleasure. If he is happy, I am happy.

Now good sex, sex that is satisfying to me is uninhibited. Be vocal, be aggressive and allow plenty of time for foreplay! I love touching and kissing, exploring and teasing. Talk to me, let me feel your breath on my skin. Tell me you want me, let me feel it in your touch. Take your time with me, prime me, prepare me before you have your way with me.

As for great sex, mind blowing sex...it takes a little more that you can't just plan for. It's that sex you just get lost in. Where every touch sends shivers down my spine. Call it a connection, call it chemistry, call it what you want but this kind of sex is so rare to find. I never felt it with my husband nor any other sexual partner I had had in my life. And it's not to say it was anyone's fault, that the men I have been with just weren't good enough. I just don't think I had sexually matured enough nor had met anyone else that had embraced their sexuality in its entirety to allow for great sex to be. It is to be celebrated once you find it for it is the most beautiful of all sex but once you have experienced it, once you have felt it, you are changed forever. There is no going back. You see sex so differently that accepting  a relationship with anyone who offers anything less satisfying would be undermining your self worth. You then realise that even no sex is better than just plain sex. That's just how good great sex can be!

xo Belle

Sexual Exploration

Sexuality was introduced to me at a very young age. It was not romantic, loving nor comforting. Perhaps that is where my disconnect began. But with disassociation came curiosity.

Living in a society that begrudges a human the right to sexual exploration it was not until these later years in life that I began to indulge those curiosities. Putting aside all preconceived notions I have allowed myself to be vocal with my partners about my sexual needs and desires. And to my advantage, they have been all too happy to oblige.

I have been blessed having been in love three times in the course of my 43 years. And love is a funny thing because it was a very different love each time. We know different loves exist. A love for a mother, a love for a child, a love for your pet. But even love between lovers can be very unique. My first love was a high school romance minus the school. We met in grade 9, he 2 years my senior. Best looking guy in the school, everyone wanted him...and he wanted me. I was the geeky girl, quiet and reserved. Unnoticed. We dated off and on for four years. He gave me my first orgasm, maybe that's why I fell in love with him. It was a teenage love, plans of marriage and kids; we had our whole lives planned out.

Next was my husband. I was in a very confusing place mentally when we met and I will blame my entire marriage on that very fact. I was pregnant just 6 weeks after meeting. So he was the father of my child, later children. And that's the kind of love I had for him. It wasn't a romantic love but he was a good dad and I loved him for that.

Years after separating I began dating and soon fell in love with someone I had known for years. In many ways I think this is the most "normal" love I have had. We dated, actually went out on dates and loved being around one another. Sex was pretty good. We experimented a little but only in the way of positions. But it was good. I know he loved me and I think that is the very reason I stayed with him for four years. It was the first time I had ever felt loved. But that love soon turned into controlling and obsessive behaviour that I just could not settle for.

In between those loves, I had plenty of sex. Sex without love. It's a concept that is very normal for me as I do not buy into the belief that any one doctrine has the right to dictate who, when and how I have sex. Sex is a beautiful thing that I believe is meant to be shared but I do not believe love has to exist to participate in it.

The most fulfilling love I have experienced is with Him. I didn't add him to the list of my three loves above because what I shared with Him was a love without love. This kind of love existed without emotion, without a contractual possession to one another. I had been scared to ever use that word love with him because I am aware of the connotation that surrounds it and I didn't want to have my use of the word misconstrued. And it was only recently that I myself was able to make sense of it.

We had never planned to marry, we didn't even date. We didn't profess to ever want anything more from one another that what the other was willing to give. So we gave to each other an hour here, an evening there, a morning booty call from time to time. That was all we were willing to give. It sounds so cold but I can assure you it was anything but. Because there were no pressures that naturally come with relationships we were able to open up much more than either of us expected. Hot, steamy, animalistic sex turned into...more hot, steamy, animalistic sex. If we were in a relationship, that would have surely dwindled but with us it just kept getting better.

In the time that we were "not" together, I learned to trust a man, feel safe with a man and be vulnerable with a man. For the first time I felt respected, connected and understood. He cared for me and I knew this not by him telling me things he thought I wanted to hear but by the way he looked at me, touched me and most importantly by the way he made me feel about myself. I not only explored my sexual curiosities with him but I also explored my boundaries and through it all came out the end with a better understanding of who I am as a woman.

I've written about my experiences with Him in previous entries and there will be more to follow. I write about them because I think it is so important to make beautiful again what society is so hell bent on destroying. To not be ashamed of these experiences but to share the raw intimacy and its profound significance in our lives.

Sharing these experiences with you is intimidating as it crosses my personal life with my Belle life. By sharing my exploration I fear as Belle I run the risk of clients having similar expectations in regards to services I offer. It is important for me to be clear that my services have not changed, that these experiences I write about are events I have chosen to pursue in my personal life only as my safety is of the utmost importance always.

xo Belle

The ties that bind

There are some experiences in life that shape us forever. They change how we think, how we feel, how we relate to the world around us. And sometimes those experiences are so intimate, so profoundly raw they can change everything you ever knew about yourself.

Kneeled naked on the edge of the bed, a full wall mirror ahead returns the reflection of a woman naïve and innately exposed. Physical exposure, the naked woman looking back at me by all accounts was familiar. I know her curves, her flaws, her skin. But looking into those eyes looking back at me I see her. Curious, reserved, submissive, ...she is bare. She has not only stripped away her clothing but left laying on the floor with it lies her fear, her distrust, her control.

I am meeting her for the first time. The girl she was before life changed her, before society judged her. The girl before the heartbreaks of love hardened her. She is much more pure than I imagined her to be. I am saddened to only be meeting her now but as I ponder that thought perhaps this is how we were meant to come together. Had I met her through anyone else, in any other way I am not so sure I would see her for the beautiful soul that she is.

I kept my eyes on hers through that glass as he worked his way around the room. He was calm and at peace with his work. Seeing him so involved, completely engaged in his preparations could only make her smile. We were so at peace, so completely unreserved and forgiving to this experience. He broke my view of her as he stood in front of me, holding loosely in his hand loop upon loop of braided utility rope. Was it his fantasy or was it mine? He took his hands upon my face, leaned in to kiss me and in slightly more than a whisper he asked, 'Are you ready?". "Yes, I'm ready".

Looking back, I can so vividly remember the way he moved around me. It was the sexiest I had ever seen him. He was gentle and cautious yet determined and in demand of control which I was all too willing to give to him. Placing the rope around my neck he began the first knot. As he worked that nylon cord I studied him. His face, he was so intent. I could tell it pleased him to prepare my body and his pleasure only excited me more. The first knot was not an aggressive one, a tight one intended to choke me. It was secured just below the base of my throat, like a noose I could easily slip over my head if I so wanted to. The thought never crossed my mind. This first knot set the stage for the others to follow, each knot carefully twisted and tied in a manner he had spent the entire week studying.

This wasn't just about being tied up and having sex. And I suppose for some, that's exactly what it would look like. But no, it was so much more beautiful that that. I began a love affair with that rope. The feel of it against my skin as he would slowly feed it through the bind he was creating. It would send chills of anticipation through me. It was not the soft braided rope intended for this purpose, it was unrefined and raw, bare basic rope which suitably matched the girl in the mirror; bare, unrefined and raw.

He would at times break from his intense concentration to be sure I was okay. With every knot, every twist, every loop he took care of me. He was taking great pride in preparing his canvas. I cannot tell you how long he spent creating this intricate design, a beautiful diamond zipper pattern down my chest and up again through my back, then binding my arms as his final piece of work. Time had no measure. "Do I look pretty?", I asked? "Yes, you look pretty".

Kneeling naked on the edge of the bed, a full wall mirror ahead returns the reflection of a courageous woman. In being bound she broke free from her inner bindings. Encased in a beautiful cocoon spun by a lover who claimed her as his own that night, she was about to emerge a woman who knew no bounds. Strong, confident and free. As for him, he may have only had her that night...but forever they were connected... by the ties that bind.

xo Belle

Part 1:

Life would be such a waste if we were not to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves. Much too short to not go on that trip, eat that good cake, buy those expensive pair of shoes. Feel good moments so often play a second to rationale, maturity and responsibility. I am most guilty of playing it safe. Yeah I know, you're thinking "She's an escort, she's wild and crazy and lives on the edge". But that is not exactly what I mean by playing it safe. I mean to allow yourself the chance to push your boundaries, see just how far you can really go. Now this could apply to so many things in life but tonight, it's going to apply to sex.

I've always had my safe zone. Lines I do not cross for anyone, ever. Why? Because I need rules. I need control. I've always believed that no one will ever take as good care of me as I do. So, do not trust, set realistic boundaries and live safe. And having all the control works for me. If I triumph, I pat my own back and when I fail I have only myself to blame. It's just me out there, so yes, control is my grounding.

When Belle walks into a room, she makes it clear she has the control. She has to. And men respect that, giving it to her most willingly. It is an ego thing as you would expect, having that control and no one that dares to challenge it. It's powerful but it's also my comfort zone. It is the role I have created as Belle, to be confident, mature and always in control. Belle is predictable and in this journey of self-discovery I am learning that I need a little less predictability in my life, a little less "playing it safe".

Sexuality is a beautiful thing to explore. Not just with a man or a woman and switching up positions from time to time. I mean really explore the passion and sensuality behind the sex. I have fulfilled most all my sexual fantasies thanks to Belle. She has been my gateway to learning what I truly like in the bedroom, what turns me on, what drives me crazy and even a few things I didn't enjoy that I thought I would. That's what sexual exploration is all about. I am always learning about my body as it is ever changing. My sexual needs are not the same as they were twenty years ago. Desires change, your mind expands and new ideas emerge. I have become more confident with my body accepting it for all it's flaws. While I still strive to tone it and nurture it, I accept how I look right now. And maybe it is that acceptance that has led me to be a little more adventurous with my sexual curiosities.

What entices me most in the bedroom isn't necessarily the act of sex itself but the foreplay. I enjoy verbal teasing, anticipation and slow erotic caressing. I am most turned on by a man who wants me and makes it clear when we are alone. This night I am going to write about was all about everything above. Control, pushing boundaries, giving the utmost trust to someone else, sexuality, anticipation and total erotica. It is not like any other writing I have ever done, in fact just sharing this experience here is pushing my boundaries. But my blog is all about sexual expression so to hold back would denote a sense of being ashamed when in fact this experience left me feeling anything but.

Post Production

I find this rather amusing sometimes and I hope any clients that may read this do not take offense to it or misunderstand just how I work. I close the door and walk to my car. Somewhere during that drive home Belle gets tucked away. I will spend a few minutes replaying the appointment and then I let it go. The moment has passed and I return to my life. I often change into something comfy, make a tea and then, after a few minutes to myself much like I did in preparation for the appointment, I go about my day.

Often times I cannot tell you what room I was in, what bra and panty set I wore or much else from that hour or two besides being aware that I have a self-confidence in me that I know I gained in that room. I compartmentalize everything in my life, Belle included. It's how I get by. And just like everything else in life, there is a time and a place. It's all about balance. Without the ability to do this I think I would lose myself and that would defeat the purpose for creating Belle. I need her. But she has her place.

When I see a repeat client, I am excited. And for many reasons. First, it pleases me that he had such a good time after our first meeting that he chose to see me again. You see the review boards, the agencies and just how many beautiful young women there are out there to see. And still, he chose me. The first time, it may be by chance but the second time and every time thereafter, he is making that choice based on the way he feels about our time together. That still impresses me every day, even with clients I have had for years. He still chooses me. Some of my clients have lasted longer than my marriage! They have chosen me for longer than my husband did. And while my clients are just about as faithful to me as my husband was, I have had more compliments, more feel good moments and much more respect than I ever got out of that marriage.

Suffice to say, yes, this is a business. I am an escort and you are paying me for sex. There is no need to pussy foot around that, we all know it is what it is. But it is also so much more from my perspective. I want, no I need my clients to understand that about me. I am proud of the service I provide and I gain a great sense of self worth by doing it. I am grateful as are my clients for the time we share together.

During Production

You would think that there isn't much to explain when it comes to an escort's perspective once she arrives at your door. After all, it's not the first time she's had sex, right? Well, most likely not and if it is...she's probably made you pay top dollar for it! Arriving at the door can sometimes be the most nerve wrecking part of the appointment.

Much like real life blind dating, the obvious questions are there. What will he be like? Will he be impressed by me? Pleased by me? Will he respect my boundaries? Is he safe? Is the room a safe environment? While I can tout the fun I have as Belle and  the wonderful people I have met there is undoubtedly a side to escorting that instils risk. We as escorts are placing a great deal of trust into complete strangers, some of whom have absolutely no respect for the escort as a woman but only a means for sexual gratification. This is why my previous post about communication with my clients is so imperative. It makes the knock on the door more easy to bear.

Just as my name is not really Belle (although I do refer her to me as one and the same quite often), my clients rarely offer up their true names making for initial pleasantries a little more complex. Using generic greetings omitting the use of names makes the first meet a little less formal. Yes, this is a business transaction but at no time do I ever want my clients to feel as though that is what this is. By the same token I appreciate when my clients go out of their way to do the same, treating me as their date for the time we are together. Respect, it all comes down to respect.

Upon entering a room, my safety is always my biggest concern. As I am placing my purse upon the night stand, greeting with a kiss, using the restroom, discarding my gum and so forth I am looking for red flags. Is there anyone else in the room? Is there the flashing light of a video camera hidden slightly out of view? I make myself aware of luggage in the room so that at any time if a client makes his way to that area I am sure to watch that no weapons or toys appear that I have no discussed prior with my client. While I have only on two occasions been greeted with such things, that's two too many in my eyes. As long as there is risk I will continue to do all I can to ensure I am safe.

I've been told I have a gift for reading men and perhaps that is true but I believe I just have a natural ability to read people in general. It helps to be intuitive, to pick up on body language and subtle signs that give way to one's mindset in the moment. Some men are very intimidated by a sexually aggressive woman so I turn it down a notch or two for them. I ease into the sex with conversation and caressing allowing them to take lead. For some men this is important for their ego which I am happy to oblige.

Other men have always lusted for a sexually confident woman but have yet to experience her in their lives. Again I am happy to oblige. It gives me great pleasure to give to a man an experience he has yet to play out. While I am not comfortable with erotic fantasies involving BDSM or role play, I am into sensuality, exploration and erotica. To please a man pleases me so when I can enter a room and feel safe I am better able to let go a little and offer the time that he desires.

It is important to be that my client leaves satisfied, that is a given. But how he gets there can be the best part of the experience. It is not my goal to have him reach that moment as quickly as possible so mastering the time constraints is a big part of my responsibility as an escort. I don't want us to be rushed yet I need to be aware of the time lapse. Ensuring the best time possible within that time frame, having it feel natural and unrushed while both being able to fully enjoy our time together can sometimes be challenging. This is where being intuitive to a man's needs become my biggest asset.

Once we have reached that moment I don't just hop up and get dressed. To me, that would be disrespectful...to him and to myself. I enjoy taking the time to talk if even only a few minutes. It makes the transition to leaving much less awkward. I will then make my way to the washroom and bring him a warm cloth. I want him to bask in that moment as I know for some of my clients, it is seldom they are able to share a similar experience in their lives. As he gathers himself I will slip into the shower quickly to freshen up, say a pleasant thank you and a kiss good-bye to end our date.

Having sex is easy. Being an escort, planning and preparing and pulling it all off in a way that to your client is believable, true and with eagerness is also easy. Because I love what I do. I leave that room feeling good about myself which I know for many may be hard to understand. But it is the one place in my life where I feel most free, attractive and accepted. And for that I am very thankful.

Pre-Production Preparation

The life as an escort can be a very interesting yet dynamic one. While it may seem as simple as showing up, having sex and then leaving I can assure you the process is much more complex than that. I cannot speak on behalf of all escorts and perhaps for some it is just that easy but for me it is a process, both mentally and physically to prepare, follow through and even unwind from the appointment.

First and foremost, something to point out that I think may get lost on the clients. I have a life. yes, it's true! I have a full-time job. I have children, I have a house to clean, groceries to be bought and appointments outside of Belle to be met. I have hobbies of my own, I enjoy the gym and a good day of hiking. I like to read a good book, watch a good movie and from time to time socialize with friends. While Belle is a very important part of my life, she is not my entire life. I need balance and I maintain that by the way I do business.

Preparing for an appointment begins with the booking. I check my Belle phone regularly but I do not live by it. I advertise that same-day appointments are seldom possible with me. There has never been a day that I have sat by my phone as Belle, dressed and ready for that call to come in. I am respectful in returning messages as promptly as possible, it's common courtesy to do so but one cannot expect of me to be fully accessible at any given moment. Balance.

I have no problems planning my day around Belle and I have a lifestyle that I am easily able to do this .But to do so, I need notice. Once an appointment is booked, I am committed to my client. It takes a lot for Belle to cancel as my reliable reputation means something to me. I value your time as much as I'd hope you to value mine. If I say I will be there, I will be there.

Communication prior to meeting is important to me. This is not to be confused with sexting. No, that is not something I will not do. But I will answer your questions and be honest if I am unable to meet your expectation. Just as I choose to escort for my own personal reasons I respect that prospective clients have their own reasons for hobbying. There is nothing wrong with being upfront about the service you are looking for and within all respectful boundaries I will be upfront if I feel I can provide for you what you are looking for. It is not to say that I look down upon any particular service an escort may provide or service a client is looking for, it is just safe to say there are some things I am uncomfortable with or that I so choose to keep for my own personal experiences.

I often get requests for particular clothing. I think some clients omit the fact that I must leave my home, my family and then arrive at your door. Stilettos and a mini skirt are not common place to my lifestyle. It is unrealistic for me, in my life to meet such requests. Do you have a preferred colour of undergarment you would like to see? I can work with that. Stockings? Not a problem! But an outfit that screams, "I am for sale", is not a request I can meet. Because while I love Belle, I have a good life that I will always protect first.

Prior to meeting a client I try to be sure that I have some down time. I hate to be rushed and need time to mentally switch to Belle. I like to be excited, I like the anticipation. Neither would be possible if I didn't allow myself the time to be in character, so to speak. I will have my tea and listen to some feel good music as I get ready. I will likely confirm via text if I have not had contact with my client that day. It's just a small window of time but this allows me to give to my client the experience he is expecting by spending time with me, He has chosen me, above all others for this visit. I respect that time together and will be sure to live up to the reasons he has chosen me.

It is important to me to share these small insights. To give a glimpse into what lies on the other side of the industry as I think an escort's perspective can only lead a client into a better understanding of the hobby. Yes, we are escorts but it's important for me as an advocate for what we do to humanize the escort and have men see that we too have lives, we are more than the sex you have ordered and if you can learn to respect us as women first and foremost, the experience you have with an escort will be that much more pleasurable.

I wasn't going to go there...End Note

I did manage some sleep that night. I think I had drained myself so mentally and physically that there was nothing left to do but sleep. I couldn't think any more, I couldn't move any more. My last waking thoughts that night were of how awkward the morning would be. Would he feel ashamed? Would he feel regret?

 No...he felt horny. Maybe the rest was yet to come but the morning started where the night left off. Great raw sex.

It was an early morning, places to go and things to do. Reality was waiting for us just outside that hotel room door. It reminded me of a movie I once saw. A young couple spent the night on a bench I believe. They talked all night long and were totally caught up in each other. I don't remember the details but in the end, they had to step off the bench and life was to return as it was before their night began. I watched that movie and was left wishing for a night to be so engaging, the moments shared to be so memorable, so intense that I feared taking that step down and walking away. This was that moment, this was my bench.

I wore the look of  a great night of sex well, traipsing about the room gathering pieces of clothing that had been strewn about. I don't even remember any of it coming off save for the Canadian's jersey he not-so-jokingly insisted had to come off before he could be with me. My hair was a mess, I wore the smell of sex like the most expensive bottle of perfume. I had no shame in front of him. Feeling so free, so uninhibited around him put a smile on my face as I hedged for the shower. Moments later he joined me.

Another rule to be broken, I shall not shower with no one! Not my husband, not my loves of my life and here, now, with him I stood in the shower. As the water beat upon us I just looked at him and smiled. Hello again, me. Where have you been?

I wasn't going to go there...Part 4

The high of sex. There is no stronger more addictive drug than sex. After that night, I was hooked. Like a hard hit of a crack pipe, a snort of that sweet line of snow, the rush of liquid meth running through my veins, I was hooked. And so here in lies the problem. We committed to just this one night. That's all I wanted from him. That's all he wanted from me. Neither of us are in any place for anything more than just one night. I don't do feelings, I don't do emotions. I don't do relationships. And him. A failed marriage, his chance for a new beginning, a new life, It was his time to discover who he is as a man. I was there once. I know exactly where he is at in life and what he needs. I gave him a "Welcome Back", an intro into life as a single man, something I would never want to take from him. He will always remember that night just as I did my first time after divorce. It is a defining moment, to feel alive and free again. This night was about giving, not taking away.

I lay next to him in bed, both of us completely exhausted. It had been hour after hour of impulsive, animalistic sex. The high began to drain as I listened to him fall asleep beside me. I was coming down. The euphoria being replaced by something all too familiar for me in the dark of the night. My mind was racing, my thoughts bouncing between the synapses in my brain, firing like a war zone only it's a war that's never to be won. Because like any war ever to be fought, it makes no damn sense.

You would think, if I were like any other woman out there, the war would be about love and romance and who is going to be the first to call who. You would think I was laying there hoping he felt the same things I did and that maybe he was really impressed with my hair or found me funny enough to want to see me again. You would think I would be all cuddled up basking in the thought that maybe this is the one. But I am not like any other woman.

I found myself laying on the far side of the bed staring at the wall. I had to make sense of all of this somehow before morning. I tried to rationalize what I was feeling. The connection, was it chemistry? Just pure and natural hormones that were a perfect match in bed? Maybe that's it. But can chemistry make you feel safe with someone you for the first time are getting to know in an intimate way? Because that is not me, I don't ever trust anyone in that way. And the need for more. Not a want but a need. As I thought this I rolled over to look at him. Naked, his sweat now cooled, covered slightly by the hotel's classic white duvet. After acknowledging just how creepy this was, I found myself just wanting to touch him, but he was back to being untouchable. I had allowed my thoughts to interfere briefly with what had transpired that night. I can touch him when he's touching me but I cannot reach out. He wouldn't understand. Hell, I don't even understand.

I didn't want him to roll over to me and say he loved me or shoot me some cheesy line that he thinks I would expect him to say. I'm not a princess, I'm not in need of patronizing flattery. I just wanted to look at him and for the first time in so many years feel like someone was there, I was not alone. Only I grappled with the fact that I wasn't content with just someone being there, but that it was him that was there. So I don't want to date him, I don't want to hold him back, I don't want to talk feelings and emotions and live happily ever after with him but I want him there. And not just tonight. But not every night either. And I don't want obligatory next-day call backs, but I want more of everything else from him. I want him but on my terms. Yeah, fucked up...I know.

I wasn't going to go there...Part 3

Now, a few days later and trying to sum up what just may be the best night of my life I am so overwhelmed by the emotions I have. Not emotions of love, not the traditional after-sex glow from a great orgasm or two. No, this is coming from somewhere much deeper than that. This is definitely not Belle and I'm not so sure it's even me because I have never felt this connected to someone...ever. God, that sounds so wrong to say. Let me explain.

When my husband and I decided we were done, I was devastated. Not because I lost the love of my life. No, there was no love there. But because I was alone. I was now on my own, completely alone in this world. I had kids depending on me, a job depending on me. And for years, it was me being lost in my head, trapped with my thoughts. I was secluded, removed from all people. It was a dark path to travel. I have always felt misunderstood, a little more complex than most. What should make sense doesn't make sense for me. What should be right feels wrong, what's wrong feels so right. The black sheep. The one that doesn't follow the rules or fit the mold others create. I was alone. And when you feel that way you disconnect from the world around you. I am pretty sure it is in that place I created Belle.

Belle could connect with others. She could be wild and crazy, sweet and unassuming. She could be anything I wanted her to be, anything I had ever desired to be as a woman but never felt I had a safe outlet to just be. And people enjoyed her company. They liked to be around Belle.

So that night, although it may have been Belle that showed up, she didn't stay long. Layer by layer he peeled back, revealing me, stripping me down to my soul. There was nothing else that existed outside of his body against mine. Here was the most handsome man, strong and fit, a body that mine melted into, the sex so hot I am not sure where he ended and I began. If he knew just how raw this experience was for me he would have run, I could never expect anyone to understand what was going on in my head.

I stood in front of him, sometimes on the floor, other times kneeling above his body just trying to catch my breath and I wasn't ashamed. I was taking on Belle's confidence. Never had I done that with someone outside of her. And he seemed to accept me for who I was putting out in front of him. Being accepted for me has always been a part of Belle's world. She is easily accepted as her desires, her passion and her sense of adventure is shared by like-minded people. It is something I have yearned for ever since I can remember...to be fully accepted just as I am without someone feeling the need to change me, any part of me. I am in front of a man who is turned on by me, not just my body but he knows me, even if in some small way and he wants to share this night with me. So hot.

It was a night of slight intoxication, the hum of a shared taste in music in the background that every so often we would come out of our heads to take notice of and sweet, sultry passionate sex. He was so intuitive to my body, what pleased me, what put me over the edge. I didn't guide him, I didn't ask him, he just gave it to me. There were moments so intense I would forget to breathe. Get your head around that, moments that had me so caught up that I forgot to take in the one essential need for life...I would have to remind myself to breathe. I would roll out from under him gasping, my head fuzzy and near blacking out. And not just once.

After several hours of nonstop sex, he leaned over me and asked if we were to be leaving the room that night to go our separate ways. I have always said yes. I don't do overnights. If you know anything about me.. I'm out before the sun comes up. It's a rule. It keeps me safe. I should have told him yes, we must go but I couldn't find it in myself to say so. So I told him the choice was his. I acted as nonchalant as possible, not wanting to cite my desire either way and he instantly said we were there for the night. Without a second thought, we were there for the night. And we started the next round...

I wasnt going to go there...Part 2

The kiss is everything. In a relationship the kiss is the biggest form of communication. It can say, "Good morning", "Good night", "I love you", "It will be okay", "I'm here", "I'm sorry", "I want you".. Without the kiss it's just words and you know what little faith I have in words.

He first kissed me in a parking lot of the hotel I chose to meet at. The hotel that we would become naked and unreserved in, using it to explore our sexual desires. If it were possible to orgasm from just one kiss, I would have right there. You can't explain chemistry like that on paper. If I did have any fears or concerns going in, they left me with that first kiss. Never have I anticipated sex with such a hunger, such intense need as I did last night. And his kiss...if he could do that to me with just his kiss..

There is something to be said for anticipation and this very moment, standing before the man I have lusted over for so many years, who has been the object of my borderline obsession, the anticipation was unbearable. I was about to make him mine. Not mine for life, not mine for a year or for month but mine for just this night. Just one night.

For forbidden desires to be fulfilled I felt a need to open up the dialogue. We couldn't go into this like blind fools. That's how I know it wasn't just Belle there last night. I had to be responsible, we both did and be upfront with what was about to happen. Without this conversation we would leave the possibility of regret and if we were going to explore ourselves sexually, I was leaving no room for that. Perhaps it was in that moment that I fell. Our talk was candid, open and honest. To some, the dialogue would have killed the mood but it just made me want him even more. I saw something so sincere in him, I could sense his desire, his fear, his need for what was about to happen.

He reached out for my body and his touch, the heat from his hand somehow sent chills through me. Think about that for a second. His heat sent chills through me. He had me frozen in that moment, that moment that I wanted to last forever. I didn't want to forget how I felt right then, naked and vulnerable in front of him. It was all so wrong but it felt so damn right. He had the power to make me feel so powerless, wanting more of him, all of him. That is anticipation.

I wasn't going to go there... Part 1

It has been a long time since I have felt inspired to write. Life has taken it's turns and somehow I had lost myself in it all. I have been wandering, looking for my place, feeling torn between a life that by all accounts is the one society says I should live; and Belle. And in one night, one hot passionate night, I found my answer.

What I have been doing wrong all along is separating the two, me from her. We are but one yet I have never allowed myself to accept we are the same. So it is to him that I owe my thanks. He saved a woman that has always insisted she didn't need saving.

Looking back on the writing I have done in the past four months I have had time to evaluate and make sense of this love affair. I needed time to compose my perspective to be able to share it freely. When I initially posted this writing, it was without a foreword and so I took it down to have time to explain to him and prepare him and be sure he understood where my writing comes from, And to do that, I had to explain Belle. He had already met her but he had no idea about her. Talks have been had, understandings have been met and now I want to share with all of you reading, what happens when I go there....

It has been a secret lust for years. Everyone has one. That one person you can never have, that is untouchable, forbidden. He is mine. For all the years I have known him, we have been respectfully platonic. There has never been an exchange of glances or sly grins, no sexual innuendos, no teasing or foreplay. We are co-workers. He was a married man, I was a married woman. We are both well respected professionals. But not this night, no, this night we were none of the above.

Both of us now unattached and still I saw him as untouchable and he is most certainly still forbidden. Bound by the constraints of a working relationship, it wasn't until a perhaps not-so-innocent comment he made about not having sex in over a year that I decided to take a huge risk and proposition him. We left work just an hour after that comment was made and my head was reeling. I let that moment go too long, allow time to pass and I may never get another window. And so as soon as I walked in my door, a quick message through social media to him was sent.

"I wasn't going to go there, but you did so...my number is ###-###-####, just say when and where."

And then I held my breath. it is not too often I act without thinking things through. I justified it by telling myself that lusting for him for 20 years was more than enough time to think this through. But I knew this was a great risk. I value my relationships with my co-workers. Their respect means a lot to me. I had so much to lose.

An instant reply and he was in. Just. Like. That. Things don't happen like that in my personal life. As Belle, maybe. But not as me. And just like that night at work, I wasn't going to let any time pass so I set it up for last night. Somewhere in all of this, somehow, Belle took over. Maybe it was just too much for me to handle. I don't behave like this, this is Belle's territory. So I handed her the steering wheel and we went for a little ride.

I booked a room and sent him on a little treasure hunt to find the key. He had no idea what he was looking for until my directions led him to it. Attached to the key was the hotel card and room number. I have never booked a room for random sex. Hell, Belle has never booked a room for random sex! He sent me a text with the assurance he would be waiting there for me and that he was looking forward to it. I had to work last night but knew I would be leaving early. I tried so hard to focus on my job at hand but my palms were sweaty and my heart was pounding. This was becoming a messy combination of Belle and myself and the thought of the two combining terrified the hell out of me. It wasn't all Belle, she doesn't get nervous and sweaty. And this isn't me, I would never approach a man in such an aggressive way. But together the two of us were in such intense anticipation for what the night would bring.

Finally, just 2 hours into my shift (that seemed like a lifetime that night), I was sent home. Home? Oh hell no, there won't be any going home for me tonight....

Belle's blog is undergoing some routine maintenance over the next few weeks. Some pages and comments will be inactive during this time.

Belle

Is This What I Expected?

Is this industry what I expected? When I began my blog back in 2007 it was to answer the many questions hobbyists had about the industry from an SP’s perspective. Having been in the industry off and on for 6 or 7 years now, I have answered any and all questions as openly and honestly as I can. I believe that keeping the line of communication open between the SP’s and the hobbyists can only create a more fulfilling experience for everyone.  Recently I was asked if this industry has been what I expected it to be. It has taken me some time to look back to when I first considered escorting and remember the place I was in back then and compare it to where I am now and see if my perspective has changed through the experiences I have had.

 To answer that question with a simple yes or no would not adequately convey my thoughts on the matter so I felt it a great blog post to explain in detail my response. I realize too that as I experience more as Belle, my perspective has changed some too so answering this question today and answering it five years ago would likely produce different explanations but I do believe that in the end, the answers would be relatively the same.

 When I first posted on GTERB I was simply a single woman with a yearning for some zest in my simple subdued life. While I loved the domesticated lifestyle, I often fantasized about stepping outside of that role but never felt safe doing so. I’ve explained in more detail in earlier posts about taking those first few steps. So I will touch on that aspect first.

 Belle has, without a doubt, allowed me to be this fun, carefree woman living an otherwise conservative lifestyle. I have learned to be comfortable in my not-so-perfect body. I have learned to love my small breasts and other imperfections that I have always been almost ashamed of. What I did not expect was to gain this new found self confidence through Belle. In a world that I envisioned being all about physical attraction I feared rejection because I felt I did not fit the norm for the industry.  But I went for it anyways. I have learned that men do appreciate a confident woman as much as they appreciate a physically flawless one. Men do appreciate a woman that can have a stimulating conversation and find that just as sexy as a woman wearing stilettos. Basically, I have learned that men are not as shallow as I had expected them to be and I have learned that sexy has many different meanings. So no, this industry is not what I expected.

 Safety was never a concern for me. I did my research before Belle. I asked the questions I needed to ask of the agency before I signed on. There are safety calls made in and out of the meetings, drivers who come knocking if you do not make contact, girls who make one another aware of bad clients, rules about drug use and intoxication and the right to refusal if a client is threatening/unclean or simply makes a lady uncomfortable. I learned that we as SP’s have the right to say no and that at any time we can walk away. We have control over our bodies and our time and what we choose to do with both. So yes, this industry is what I had expected.

 I knew going into this that there may be a day and time when my two worlds would collide. While I knew I would do all that I could to protect my personal life from being invaded by society’s perception of what I do as Belle, it may all come to a head one day, and it has. I have had to defend Belle to coworkers and personal friends but I am not ashamed. I have not tried to justify but only to ask they respect my decision to do as I do. I don’t need their approval. I don’t expect them to understand. I just ask that they accept that this is my choice. So yes, this industry is what I expected.

 I am a strong person and consider myself to be well in control of my emotions. I made a pact with myself in the beginning that I would keep emotion out of Belle’s world and for several years I did. I do not let my guard down easy but over time I found myself building foundations for true friendships. I found myself opening up and allowing others in and sharing my personal life with a few that I have met as Belle. And then my writing soon followed, recognizing that it is okay to show emotion. Emotion keeps me human, keeps my spirit flowing. While I still tend to be guarded at times, I have found myself to laugh, to cry, to show fear, to be intimidated and to be humbled. I have entrusted those emotions to people I have met in Belle’s world and have felt safe doing so. So no, this industry is not what I expected.

 While I started my blog out of a passion for expressing myself through the written word, I have discovered my dream to be a professional writer. It has been the support, the compliments and connections I have made through my blog that inspired me to pursue this dream. I applied for and accepted an editorial writing job with the local newspaper last year and wrote several columns for them. Sadly it was only a one year position but the response I received from those articles as well as the response from my blog has left me with a determination to publish the book I have written and see where my writing will take me. I always imagined Belle as an escape from the real world, never as the driving force behind going after my dream in the real world so no, this industry is not what I expected.

 I could go on and on about ways in which this business has changed me, my life, my perspective. There is no answer to this question though as it is like many things in life. We choose a path and we know not where it leads. The expectation is that in the end, when all is said and done and we have reached the final steps we are happy. That’s all we are looking for in life. No matter what decision we have in front of us, no matter the factors that present themselves while making that decision, the ultimate goal is to have it lead us to happiness. And I am happy. So yes, this industry is what I expected.

Lesson from a Street Girl

Have you ever found yourself in the oddest of relationships with someone? Maybe you were the cool kid in school and befriended the nerd or you are the suit and tie banker and your buddy is still wearing his mullet and leather tasselled jacket from the 80’s. Or you being the street smart wise ass married the book smart research assistant. I’ve spent many enjoyable hours just walking around town people watching and have seen many odd couples and wondered just how they came to be. The lady, all of 90 lb soaking wet being held up by the 300lb man; the 7ft man awkwardly bent down to make out with his 5ft nothing sweetheart. There has to be a connection, something they share that the rest of us don’t see that brings these odd relationships together. But as odd as they seem, these types of relationships are common. It is not unusual to see opposites attract one another.

 I walk home from my “outside of Belle” job most every night. My path takes me along the same strip that the ladies of the night walk. I see the same few girls most every night. It was my custom to cross the street opposite to where they stood. I never really put any thought into why I did this, it was just an automatic reaction to do so.

One night, after many weeks of this routine one girl hollered across to me asking for a smoke. She began to cross the street approaching where I stood as I fumbled through my purse for my pack. I was nervous. I couldn’t explain why, but I was. I gave her a smoke, she thanked me and I continued my walk home all the while questioning why I felt so intimidated. I am, after all, one of them. There are names/titles/terms given to different forms of the business but call it what you will, we all share the same occupation. And yet I fear “them”. It bothered me every time after that night that I would continue to cross the street so I finally stopped doing it.

I can’t state enough how strongly I stand by what I do as Belle, no matter what society says about me and what I do. I am not ashamed.  And here I am giving in to something I have spent years fighting against. I am fearing something I am a part of. And why? Because society has told me to? I am one of them as they are one of me. And so every night I pass this same girl I stop. I give her a smoke and we chat. We get hollered at, she turns and smiles and waits to see if they stop. Sometimes they are crude and I wonder how she puts up with that. If it were me, I would walk out of the room. This street is her room, where else is she to go?

Some days as I approach her she smiles, she seems okay. Those days I am happy for her. Other days she staggers and once we are face to face I see emptiness in her eyes and I hurt for her. I shouldn’t because I know how I feel when people say they hurt for me. I can’t speak for her, I can’t say she wants my pity but I feel for her just the same. While I may feel happiness or pity, I don’t feel the fear of her anymore and I am glad for that. I see the strength she has to endure the street life, it’s not for the weak and helps me appreciate even more the atmosphere in which I am able to do as I do.

And so it is now that we have this odd relationship. For those that know me not as Belle, they may pass us on the street corner and wonder just how our two worlds collide. How we can be so clearly opposite yet befriend one another. But the truth is, what’s on the outside... what we let others see has nothing to do with who we are. What’s inside, the her and the I, aren’t as opposite as we seem.  I am one of them as they are one of me.

 

When I people watch now, I don't focus so much on how odd relationships come to be but try to see just how much they are the same. Quite often I notice how they seem to take interest in the same types of novels in the bookstore, how they exit the theatre sharing the same excitement for the thriller they just saw or just they way they touch eachother while they talk..things that clearly make them more alike than one without insight would see.

 

Life is about learning. Not just from books or Google or Discover magazine but from people you don't even know; people that you pass by every day. The bus stop, the coffee shop and yes, even from the girls that walk the street at night.

Super Power not so Super

Coming back to the business after a nearly three year hiatus has been slightly overwhelming. Some may say it’s like riding a bike, hop on and ride away and from the outside looking in it may just seem that simple but for me, not so much. Sure, the inner workings have not changed. But coming back I have had to face what I left behind and that for me is not easy.

What has allowed me to create such a fun, successful persona as Belle is my ability to detach myself. I make it sound like that is some sort of super power I posess, but in reality it has bitten me in the ass more times that I can count. I can walk away. I walk away when I’m hurt. I walk away when I fear rejection and I walk away when I am afraid of something. Now most people when they walk away they take some time to cool down, rationalize the situation then turn around and face it with a clearer understanding. Me...I just keep on walking. Yes, my super power allows me to emotionally remove myself from all that I walk away from.

I left Belle to start a new life, a life I had often wondered if I was capable of living. I did not look back, not once. When I met him, I shut my Belle life down. From that day I never checked my email, visited my website, browsed the boards or had any contact in any way whatsoever with Belle’s world. I simply walked away from it all. I felt it only fair to give this man all of me.

Coming back I have had to face conversations left unfinished, feeling that were hurt, questions people had regarding their own doing in my decision to walk away; friendships that I turned my back on and the aftermath of doing so. And more so this past few weeks than ever I have realized that while I have tooted my own horn for being so good at keeping emotion out of all of this, the reality is that I am human, Belle is a part of me and I hurt for walking away without explanation to those close to me that deserved that much. I don’t regret my time away but I do regret the way in which I left.

It is with mutual understanding for those that participate in this hobby that there is no room for love, jealousy or commitment. That is the beauty of what we all do here. But there is room for caring for those we build friendships with. I only wish I had allowed myself that knowledge three years ago.

Perhaps it was my need for separation to survive in this world but whatever the reason I now realize that I left behind a wonderful circle of friendship and support, people who were truly caring of not Belle, but me.; a humbling yet defining realization in my journey.

The Belle Trilogy

I’ve become one of them and I give you permission to laugh as you roll your eyes, not that you need my permission to do so. Yes, I have become the escort that will retire numerous times in her escorting career, each time insisting it is her last. I used to laugh myself as I saw these girls come and go, although unlike the others my stats have remained true and my age has aged with me. I have never tried to deceive anyone into thinking I am something I am not so at best I can say for myself that I have remained true to me. While Belle may have come and gone over the years; my values, my service and my belief in what I do have never wavered. That being said, welcome my friends to the “Belle Trilogy”.

A synopsis of my life the past three years:

Girl meets boy. Girl and boy have sex. And again. And again. Boy seems different than other boys and girl is interested. Boy and girl date. Girl moves boy et al in with her.  Boy and girl fall in love and plan for future. Boy and girl start a small business. Girl loves boy and gives up all in her life for boy. Boy wants more. Girl has nothing left to give boy. Girl misses her friends/long walks by herself/writing but she loves boy so. Boy mistakes love for control. Girl wants boy’s love and trust, boy wants more control. Girl and Boy break up. Girl cries. And cries some more. And cries some more. Girl gets up, wipes her tears and puts life back together. Boy stops calling. Girl misses best friend. Girl misses sex.  Girl calls up Belle. Belle is more than happy to give girl what she has been missing. And now girl is happy.

And there you have it. In my life I have learned to never regret the choices I have made. Oh, I have made many bad ones but I have learned from them and they have helped to define who I am today. I do not regret falling in love. While the broken heart had been almost unbearable, I needed to know that I can still feel, that I can still allow myself to love.  But I also learned that as much as I wanted it to be, I did all that I could to be sure it wasn’t. I sabotaged the relationship every chance I got. No matter how good, I could find the bad. Looking back I can see that it is just not my time, I am not ready.

 As for Belle, I have such big plans for her. There are a few ideas I have and I can’t wait to post about them. I won’t give away too much but I will say that I hope a little contest I held a few years back will jog a memory in some of you. More of that to come...

And lastly, before I lay my head down for the night I want to thank all of you who continued to write, continued to ask about and who continued to remember me after all of these years. There is nothing more rewarding in my experiences as Belle than to know I have touched some of your hearts as you have mine. I have missed all of you just the same.

 

Xo Belle

Merry Christmas!

Well another Christmas has come and gone. My kids were spoiled as per the usual. And I missed celebrating Christmas with my Nana, as per the usual. It is tough to get through the holidays when you miss having someone special in your life. So I cried, and I laughed and I cried some more but I got through it as I always do.

My daughter was in an accident a few weeks ago. She was hurt but it could have been much more serious. The accident, the phone call I recieved from the officer telling me to go to the emergency room, the sight of her laying there bloody and broken made me see Christmas in a much different light this year. I was reminded just how blessed I am to have my children. Nothing else really matters. I will ache for those I love who are no longer in my life but I will focus on the ones who still are. They are my future, they will keep me going through hard times.

I hope this Christmas all of you reading found some peace, took some time out from the commercialism of Christmas to reflect on how blessed you are for all of the things you do have insteading of yearning for what you do not. Merry Christmas.

xo Belle

Feminists, give it up already!

With the courts battling the specifics of prostitution; what should be legal, what should not be, I find the most interesting news coverage coming from the feminists and their cohorts who insist that legalizing any form of prostitution is degrading to women. Have you ever taken a close look at these women? I have to wonder how long it has been since any of them have been laid.

Now before you jump down my throat for saying that, take a look at my stats on my website. I am not Barbie nor do I pretend to be. I just wonder what gives these women the right to stand up in court and speak on my behalf about something they clearly know nothing about. I am tired of society telling me what I do is immoral and degrading.

I am not naieve enough to believe this will ever change. Prostitution will always exist, feminists will always exist. I just find it so frustrating to listen to them and imagine all the women of the world nodding their heads in agreement as most of their husbands snicker behind them thinking "if you only knew". No, it's not for everyone and yes, there is a very seedy side to prostitution, I won't argue that fact. Does that make it okay to not give sex-trade workers a safe place to practice? It's been hundreds of years people, women exchanging sex-for-money will never go away! Make it legal, make testing more accessible, make it clean.

I am an escort by choice. I have a full-time well paying job outside of Belle and I am not the exception to the rule. I do this because I enjoy it. Yes, the money is a bonus, I will not argue the fact but it is not a means to an end for me nor for many other sex-trade workers. I am just so tired of listening to whiney, overweight, sex deprived women tell me that what I do is wrong.

I meet with ,men who make me feel better about myself and show me more respect than most partners I have had in my personal life. Why? Because I ask for the respect. We as sex workers have a choice. If we are not comfortable with a client or his wishes, we say so. We can leave at any time, we can refuse at any time. What we do and what we do not do is our choice and ours alone to make. The only difference between our relationships with men as sex-trade workers is that we get paid for it and we do it with complete strangers. But let's face it. Have most people not had sex with a stranger? ||||||Do

Lesson #2: Like it or not, kids grow up

Had I written this post 8 months ago I’m sure it would ring a different tune. As they say, hind sight is 20/20.

Long story short, kid snuck out in the middle of the night and I busted her. What followed was a severe grounding.....from everything! Cell phone, computer, extra-curricular sports and of course, the boyfriend who was the reason for the late-night escapade. Naturally she didn’t like that. What I didn’t expect was that she would not come home after school the next day. In fact, she informed me by text that she would never be coming home.

That text was followed by numerous others, accusing me of providing an unfit home for her to live in. Of course, this text came to me from the $350 cell phone I had just bought her the month prior. She claimed to have visited the right people and have been informed of her rights, that she was 16 and able to leave of her own accord. I did not respond as well as I did the first time she experienced alcohol. In fact, I totally bombed at being rational and mature. I demanded the house key and the cell phone and drove right then to pick them up from her. I have never been so angry at my child. Never did I think a child could do something so wrong to ever make me feel the way I did.

The days that followed were hell. She requested her things. Her things? My position was that I bought and paid for everything she left behind, therefore what things were hers? If I had my way, I would have given her nothing. My boyfriend at the time talked me into giving her the basics so the basics is what she got. Not the $300 in clothes she got for Christmas but the clothes she would never have been caught dead in public with. None-the-less, she had clothes. I provided her with the bare necessities. She asked me to drop them off, I informed her they were in bags at the curb

After meeting with her boyfriend’s parents the night prior and them being willing to take her in I made it clear they would not get any help from me, that she had a perfectly good home to be in. For them to allow her to live with them made me sick. I was not going to make this easy....for them or for her.

That week brought not one but two visits from the local police department to try and gain possession of her things. By this time I was just sick. The first time I allowed her to leave with hair products and things but made it clear that the TV, the bed and the remaining clothing was property of my home, not my daughter. Needless to say she was pissed. The second visit by the police I lost the politeness I had the previous visit. I made it clear that without a warrant they were not entering my home, something they told me I had to allow the first visit. A quick call to my lawyer made me aware of my rights. She left in tears, empty handed. As angry as I was, seeing her cry like that tore me up inside. I knew I was doing right. I knew I had to be strong and stand my ground. I had to make this tough on her if only to give her a glimpse of what the adult world is like. But the Mom in me, seeing her baby girl hurting and not reaching out to her was the toughest challenge I have had as of yet, as a parent. And she drove away.

She left behind her siblings, confused and torn, hurting just as I was. I had to be okay. I had to show them that we will be okay. And so it was. My baby gone. This was not how it was supposed to be, but as I have learned, very little in life ever is.The following eight months were spent being angry, even hateful to being hurt, back to being angry and then eventually, accepting our new relationship. It is hard to relate to your baby on an adult level. To back away from mothering and learning to being a friend. To give advice when asked and shut-up otherwise. I learned a lot about myself through this time of her being gone. Mistakes I had made, regrets I had. They are tough to face. But I did.

She came home recently and while the circumstances that brought her home are not the most favourable, she is here and she is safe. I am not so sure she learned all that I had hoped for her during her time on her own but I do think it opened her eyes some to just how much I love her, how important family is and how scary it can be when you turn your back on both.